Reluctant father dilemma...

[leopardprintmum]

I have been with my DP for over 4 happy years, indeed we recently got engaged. We were blissfully planning our future when shock! I discovered we were pregnant. Massive shock as I was told that natural conception was near impossible for me as my tubes were blocked. We decided against IVF as neither of us were desperate for kids, particularly him. He has been quite vocal in not wanting to be an 'old' dad at 41. I am hugely shocked but my instinct is to have this child. I'm 36, healthy, sane, employed & hugely in love with the father. He says he doesn't want to be a Dad BUT doesn't want me to have an abortion as he feels this would end our relationship. However, 2 weeks on, he is moody, sullen & drinking. When pushed on his feelings he says that I should never expect him to be happy about the pregnancy "I'll just have to try to get used to it". Will he? Any tips on making him accept the pregnancy.

Hi leopard, sorry to hear he's behaving like that, when you talk to him about it perhaps you could remind him that you too are getting used to it and you could do it together, don't think there is anyway you can make him accept it but, if you can drag him along to scans and some appointments you may find he starts to come round to the idea. Seeing your baby at first scans are amazing at making it real, and then when they eventually arrive and clasp there tiny hand round your finger it's a very life changing moment for most. And 41 is not an old dad! Good luck with your pg and dp!

"BUT doesn't want me to have an abortion as he feels this would end our relationship. "

I would point out to him that his current behaviour is also very likely to 'end our relationship' and remind him that he had some input to the present situation! Sorry but he sounds ar*e if hes 41 and sulks like that. You deserve better.

I think finding out you're having a baby can create all kinds of emotional reactions within both the mum and dad - even when it is planned it can be a rollercoaster! So I agree with Almost6. Hopefully if you are patient with him, and try and include him in the appointments/scans etc then he will start to feel more positive.

Obviously he is in shock at the moment as I understand you are too! Hopefully it is just a case of it taking a bit longer for him to get his head around it - it is a massive life change afterall.

Good luck. And congratulations on your pg too.

so sorry to hear this but it can be the case that even with wanted and planned pregnancies the dads are a bit underwhelemed and uninvolved until the birth as it all seems a bit abstract. My DP was happy we were expecting and supportive but not desperately excited or involved (let me choose all baby stuff etc) unitl DS was born and then he was bowled over. He has got a long time to get to grips with the idea and hopefully he's got some mates or family that have had kids that can help him see the positives. Best of luck and stay on here - people check in on things like this to see how its going.

Thanks Almost6 & MsChanandlerBong. Wise words and such a relief to be able to talk about it. Am keeping schtum with everyone at the mo as its been such a bonkers few weeks. After a calm sunny day in the park surrounded by young parents & happy kids his mood lifted and he hugged me all through the night. Progress perhaps. Will broach the appointment question tonight. He came to all the 'reproductive medicine' appointments so ya never know....

Dd came as a bit of a shock to us. I was 35 and DH was 46. It took him a good few months to come round to the idea. An abortion was NEVER discussed but I don't think he was overjoyed at the idea of a baby. By the end of the PG he was very supportive though, and has been an absolutely doting father ever since.

No enthusiasm for a no. 2 though, but when I had a "scare" one month, he said we'd just go with the flow.....

Hi Trixie123....that gives me hope! Actually almost all of his friends & siblings are happy devoted fathers so I'm hoping the same thing. Got a while to go before we can share the news tho...I guess I am only 7 weeks.

Hi Portofino...thanks for the fab message. How did you handle him during the months he was 'coming around' to the idea?

I just left him too it really. He came to the scans with me. Actually thinking about it he announced it to everyone at work really early - much sooner than I would have wanted. I put that down to a "look at me - I am old yet still have it" sort of thing .

I was maybe about 6 months with a big bump and kicks before he told me how happy he was about it. He was never very interested in feeling the baby kick or anything. Bless him - I had an emcs at the end and I think he was totally traumatised by it - so worried he would lose one/both of us. He never wanted to talk about it afterwards. DD and I were fine though.

My friend had this. Actually had termination booked when he said don't do it. He's now devoted dad to two teenagers :-)

Its still very early days, so even if he's freaking out now you've both got plenty of time to get your heads around it. If it's any consolation, even planned pregnancies can come as a real shock to one or both parties and it can take weeks or months for that shock to turn to something more hopeful and positive.

I'm currently 38 weeks pg with #2, which was planned and my DH has been extremely ambivalent all the way through, which has pissed me off no end as we agreed years ago that we'd like to have two children and he was fine with the TTC stage! With our first, it just didn't become real for him until he held his son in his arms, and I'm hoping that's what happens again because if he's this unhelpful and unsupportive when the baby arrives I might just smack him round the head!

Agreed that two weeks is very early days. I have been with my partner for almost seven years and we had always planned to have children. When I discovered I was pregnant (slightly before we'd agreed to start trying!) he was initially over the moon then went very quiet and while he tried to listen to me going on and on he would usually try and change the subject and looked a bit wary at any mention of babies. It wasn't until the three-month scan that it all became real and he realised that there was a little person in there and he would be its father. Now he is really happy and looking forward to the baby's arrival in two months.

And at 41 he is hardly going to be 'an old dad'! Enrol on an NCT course for proof of that! My friend's DP was the youngest at theirs in his North London class - and he was 35!

Congratulations and GOOD LUCK. x

You may well find that he is taking the whole thing very very seriously indeed and like most blokes has no one to talk to about his feelings and he feels a huge sense of responsibility that has left him feeling overwhelmed.

He never expected to be a Dad so you can't expect him to be suddenly over the moon. Take it gently - he might surprise you just like spatchcock has found.

Hey, big hugs to you as it must be such a difficult situation. As Juneau says, its still early days so just try to calm yourself a bit, stress won't do you any good.

Re OH, he has obviously settled with the notion that baby(s) weren't going to be on the agenda. In my experience, this means he has mapped out what he intends to do in life from now, till retirement and beyond! And I mean he has planned not only financially what will happen in the future but whether on the day of retirement you are settling down in a villa in Spain or a caravan in a UK coastal region for the summer season. I don't mean to make this sound trivial. I know you will get so much support from the lovely ladies on here but am just trying to put across some experience of coping with a sulky OH! My DP is 44, I'm 29. We're expecting our first child. When we got together, having a baby was a no no as he already has two teenagers from a previous relationship. Having lost both my parents put us in a more financially stable situation and HE was the one to suggest we have a baby. Following a MC I'm now 36+3wks.

Involving your OH in appointments, etc is the best way of him starting to realise whats happening. But I'd like to think an all night hug is a gigantic move in the right direction, even if he still isn't ready to talk about it yet. Give it a bit more time and hopefully he'll start coming round. But don't stand for any nonsense!

x x x

DH is also a reluctant dad, he was very clear from day 1 that he didn't want kids, but I eventually persuaded him to try for DS1, who was conceived when he was 41 and I was 33. He was OK during pregnancy in that he wouldn't let me carry anything heavy, made the right concerned noises when I had some bleeding and came shopping for nursery furniture and the like. However, he never really got excited about it, he said he couldn't see anything during our scans and that he could be looking at anything, he may even have used the term weather map at one point! He also never felt DS1 kick as he never wanted to feel my bump - he did take me on a rather lovely holiday when I was 6 months though including business class seats on the flight so that i would be comfortable, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that he did his best under the circumstances of him not really wanting a baby.

He adores DS1, although isn't terribly hands on, but was adament he didn't want another. Unlucky for him we discovered I was pregnant (unplanned) about 6 weeks ago. He didn't think a termination was right so we are now expecting our second in November. He is being much the same as last time, not overly excited but has agreed to me having a private midwife after a difficult birth with DS1 on the basis that he does not want to be present at the birth this time so I will need someone else with me. All in all, it's fine, he may not be the doting father to be that I would like but he has so many other qualities that I take it all into account as a whole package if that makes sense?

Sounds like he is panicking, but try not to panic with him! My OH was the same, he lost the plot for the first two trimesters of the pregnancy and was very difficult to get along with. However, he then took two weeks to himself to go on holiday, see mates, family, etc and came back a different man. Breaking away from thinking about it all the time was apparently very helpful to him and a couple of mates/family sat him down and talked to him about it all which helped as well.

Now he is fully on board which is quite lucky as the baby is only 6 weeks max away!

Thanks for your messages. After a terrible night where he said he was 90% not "into the idea" & had "a bad feeling about the whole situation", I'm now definitely panicking about being a single mother. Not sure I can or want to do it alone...the thought of dragging a child, unwanted by its father, around the arse end of London to collect my dole is a bloody nightmare. I work full time in a good job I love but I can't see how I could pay for my own place & childcare in London! It feels inevitable that he will always resent me & the baby & I'm starting to lose the faith in him that he will ever man up & realise this could a great thing. Aaaaargh..this is such a bad situation...can't face gong home to another night of tears.

booboostoo...how on earth did you cope for so long? I presume you were really keen for a baby and could foresee going ahead without him? I've only lived with his shit for 2 weeks! Also, the messages are so mixed its verging on schizophrenic...after a dreadful evening, he woke up, hugged me tightly, made me coffee & told me how lovely i looked in a dress I have worn a thousand times.

Oh hon. That sounds an awful situation for you :(
I can't tell you what will change his mind, but maybe time will help? My OH is 33 (34 v soon) and in his previous marriage had been told in no uncertain terms there'd be no children. When we got together I made it clear I wanted children but he was of the 'one day' opinion. In the end, it seemed as he'd crossed that possibility off the list in his last relationship, it freaked him out to suddenly be thinking about it. In time (two years) he came round to the idea and we unexpectedly fell pregnant 3 weeks before our wedding (having also said he'd never get married again :))

Have you asked your partner WHY he isn't keen on the idea? What is he afraid of/worried about? Mine was fearful his independence would be compromised....and that he'd be too selfish for a baby. We're yet to find that out, but he's now very excited about having a son and is better than me at deciphering the scan pictures! It took a question from our relationship counsellor (v helpful) about his reasons for not wanting kids - and the response of his reasons not being very unique! - for my OH to really churn it over in his mind. Also, I had nothing to do with his changing his mind - he came to that on his own. But he also knew it was a 'deal breaker'....

Does your partner realise that if he's not on board with this he could lose you? Might be worth talking to someone like Relate? I know impending parenthood is often a reason for seeking help? It doesn't mean your relationship is in trouble....

Big hugs - dealing with all this when you're probably knackered, hormonal and anxious about every twinge is not easy I'm sure. Have you got someone to talk to??

Oh hun, he sounds exactly like my OH!!! He had me oscillating from thinking that I would be a single mum (despite us having been together for 10 years already!!!) to behaving like a decent, supportive human being! I'm convinced that it was his hormones!!!

Hang in there, you will not be a single mum. He will drive you a bit nuts, then he will calm down and when the baby arrives he will go totally dotty!

I do SO hope he'll change his mind but feel so teary & negative today...am trying not to look at the Marie Stopes website but have been scanning Rightmove.com all afternoon. Finally caved and called my best friend to spill the beans...I like the Relate idea. Our chats have been singularly awful. I'm usually quite calm & rational but funnily enough those qualities seem to be lacking at the mo.

I'd try not to let your hormones dictate what you do....and definitely don't make any major decisions just yet. It's my first time too, and the mood swings are unbelievable!
Even though my OH is now getting excited, last night after being a bit off all day he finally said he was feeling neglected. Said everything is about baby at the moment, and he was feeling left out. So we hugged and I promised a baby-talk free evening once a week - but also made it clear this will probably only get worse!
Communication really is key - def check out Relate, there's even a bit about impending parenthood on their website. Maybe lean on your best friend for the emotional stuff for now (there's a lot!) and leave off talking about it with your partner to let him get used to it? I think men can feel a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing - especially if you have a comfy 'couple' life currently (eating out, socialising etc) and a baby will completely change that.
Good luck xx
PS. I'm 22+2

good advice Misty9....He says he has specifically never wanted to be an 'old dad'. He's 41. He has always said that, so his reaction is no surprise. We have indeed had 4 years of idyllic coupledom, including elaborate foreign holidays, frequent weekends away, meals out, sporty cars etc etc...am gonna get home late tonight to leave him to his x-box & shiraz. What does the +2 mean??

Just spoke with the OH about your post (hope you don't mind) and he said to tell you the following:

Your OH's feelings are normal. Women have a more direct and immediate connection to the pregnancy/baby which is not easily available to men, so men are more worried about whether the whole thing is a good idea AND then get worried and upset that they are having these thoughts because they are horrible people. Meanwhile all the other men around them pretend that they are coping fine, which makes them feel even worse. In time he came to realise that everyone has these doubts, they are normal and that made him feel happier about the whole pregnancy.

From me now, definitely don't make any decisions regarding the pregnancy now, you are a bunch of hormones!! Talk to him and things will get better!

x-box and shiraz :) love it - he certainly doesn't sound like an oldie!

The +2 means plus 2 days....it's a way of making you feel further along I think! Make sure you have some you-time as well....it's not only him getting used to the idea x