Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Reluctant father dilemma...

37 replies

leopardprintmum · 02/05/2011 21:23

I have been with my DP for over 4 happy years, indeed we recently got engaged. We were blissfully planning our future when shock! I discovered we were pregnant. Massive shock as I was told that natural conception was near impossible for me as my tubes were blocked. We decided against IVF as neither of us were desperate for kids, particularly him. He has been quite vocal in not wanting to be an 'old' dad at 41. I am hugely shocked but my instinct is to have this child. I'm 36, healthy, sane, employed & hugely in love with the father. He says he doesn't want to be a Dad BUT doesn't want me to have an abortion as he feels this would end our relationship. However, 2 weeks on, he is moody, sullen & drinking. When pushed on his feelings he says that I should never expect him to be happy about the pregnancy "I'll just have to try to get used to it". Will he? Any tips on making him accept the pregnancy.

OP posts:

Misty9 · 04/05/2011 17:55

oh, in case you thought it meant I was 22yrs old...I'm 30 :)

good advice from booboostoo as well....pretty much what the counsellor said to my OH was that all men have those fears and I think that's what helped him realise maybe he was blowing this out of proportion (before we got pregnant though, so all the more overwhelming for your partner with the inescapable fact already inside you!)

MoreBeta · 04/05/2011 18:04

Boobostoo - very good post. Especially agree with ".. all the other men around them pretend that they are coping fine".

Eviepoo · 04/05/2011 18:50

Ours was a very planned pg and my 40 year old DH is petrified. He also said it's not properly real to him yet as he does not feel what I feel. I would say try to wait it out and see how you OH feels after seeing a scan. Sorry about it not being great just now n hope it gets better soon.

Misty9 · 05/05/2011 15:48

How are things today leopardprint?

Original poster

leopardprintmum · 05/05/2011 18:32

Hi Misty....aww...thanks for asking. Giving myself some quiet time to just let things 'be' for a few days. I am still petrified of being a destitute single mother but am feeling SO preggers today (my basumpas are huuuuge) it feels like there's simply no alternative to expanding & delivering. The OH was lovely last night & this morning, packed me my lunch & told me to eat some greens (weirdly I'm off veggies). I'm being unusually quiet & think this is unnerving him. We're off to vote together after work so we'll see what tonight has in store for us.

Do you find you feel cold more? I'm usually a warm person but am constantly freezing! wore my coat all day at work yesterday & am sleeping in tracksuit bottom & a hoodie....hope it isnt a bad sign.

OP posts:

Misty9 · 05/05/2011 22:54

Glad things have settled down for now....maybe a good idea to let things be. How far along are you again? Maybe see his reaction to a growing bump (and growing other things ;)
Could you do some nice couply things - without talking about baby stuff? Not to deny it or anything, but to make the most of 'two' time before it becomes three :)
As for feeling cold, I feel it a lot anyway and am still waiting for the supposed overheating of pregnancy! I may regret wishing for that...

big hugs x

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/05/2011 23:05

ANother vote for 'letting things be' but that doesn;t mean letting him get away with horrible behaviour such as trying to persuade you to have an abortion or ranting about not wanting to be a father. I appreciate that a surprise PG is a big shock to a man particularly when he had reasonably expected that it wasn't going to happen within this relationship, and that it is harder for men as they don't have the physical changes to help them understand. So it's reasonable to give him time to process what he is feeling - but if what he says is really upsetting for you it's OK to tell him to shut up /go and talk it through with someone else.
FWIW my DS was a huge surprise and his dad didn't want to know during the PG (though we were fuckbuddies rather than a couple) but DS is now 6 and has a loving, devoted, very engaged father who has been that way since DS was a few months old, so it can all work out well. But what you don't want to do is fall into the trap of devoting too much of your energy to placating and reassuring your DP that nothing will change in his life. His life will change and he can either accept that or fuck off.

Original poster

leopardprintmum · 06/05/2011 15:21

I've just been crunching some numbers and turns out I could afford the mortgage & a good local nursery full time with enough living money left over from just my base salary. Made me feel a million times better, generally. Its a relief to know I am my own safety net! It would be far from easy but at least I could make it work practically. To be fair to DP, he hasn't ever been 'horrible' & has repeatedly said he doesnt want me to be have an abortion. But I am realistic..a lot of relationships don't survive babies, specially 'surprise' babies. Fingers & toes crossed. Am roughly 7 weeks..have my first appointment next week.

OP posts:

spatchcock · 06/05/2011 15:50

Do you really think there's a possibility he will leave you, leopard? Or are you thinking of leaving him?

Yes a lot of relationships don't survive babies, just as a lot don't survive infidelity, bereavements, long-term illness. Who knows, it might even make your relationship better. Still, I get where you're coming from - the sense of self preservation for you and your baby is so strong.

Let us know how you get on.

Original poster

leopardprintmum · 06/05/2011 19:57

I'd love us to to this together..so much. He's out tonight with 2 friends who have pregnant partners/wives. I'd like to think he'll confide in them but they'll probably inhale 4 pints & talk endless sillyness.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/05/2011 21:14

It's brilliant that you know you are your own safety net, now you can relax a little rather than being in the sort of panicked mindset of 'I can;t cope without him, I can't let him go, so I have to tie myself in knots to please him' because that's so unhealthy for a relationship (wether or not there are DC or pregnancies involved)

Rootatoot · 06/05/2011 21:53

Hi there. FWIW I think there are some positive signs from what you say. Firstly, at least he has been honest about how he is feeling and with anything as life changing as this, it is a good thing. Ok, it isn't easy to hear some of it but sounds to me like he is processing it and the concern he is showing you for eating healthy etc, is a good sign. Also good he is going out and talking to other people. Think it'd seem far more gloomy if he was bottling it all up and pretending he was peachy?

I know a couple who went to relate after baby arrived and it really really helped. Actually the opposite of your situation in that the bloke really wanted baby but then after he arrived, seemed to carry on trying to do all his own stuff and not helping his wife, which pushed her to limit.

Hope you are not feeling too bad in yourself and you are getting some support from your friends/family ? Don't forget that financially, if you did end up on your own & I very much hope that won't be the case, you will also get tax credits and stuff even if you earn a pretty good salary. I have only just found out about it a bit and I was amazed.

Finally, FWIW, my other half is 40 and we're expecting first baby in August. My mate's bloke is a first time Dad at 43. It's really not old these days at all. :)

Wishing you lots of luck & positive stuff xx

Flip

1 2