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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH says he won't have sex for a year!

29 replies

Chocolocolate · 20/04/2011 21:49

At the moment, first trimester, I'm so sick & tired sex is the last thing on my mind but I'm looking forward to when I'm feeling well enough again.

Yesterday DH sighed and said "I'll miss sex for the next year."

I misunderstood and said that I hope my sickness doesn't last for that long, but he then said he couldn't have sex while there's a baby in there and from what he's read I won't feel like it after he/she's born for a while so it'll be about a year!

I explained that sex wouldn't harm the baby, the cervix is in the way etc. but he says he doesn't want to put his erect penis that near his baby.

Help me think of ways to persuade him - I don't want to be celibate for a year!

OP posts:

LDNmummy · 20/04/2011 21:53

Just wait till he really starts to miss sex. Maybe be subtly provocative when you are alone together to speed up the process

pooka · 20/04/2011 21:55

Tell him that unless he's in the guinness book of records, his erect penis is unliely to be that near to the baby. :)

piprabbit · 20/04/2011 21:56

Sounds like he is handling all this very sensitively . Sounds like he's overthinking it all...

You could try showing him these links:
www.nct.org.uk/info-centre/information/view-57
www.nct.org.uk/info-centre/information/view-58

saoirse86 · 20/04/2011 22:00

What about the fact that his erect penis had a lot to do with how the baby got in there!

It's unlikely you'll not feel like it for 6 months after the baby's born. Although some people don't.

My DD was the worst sleeper ever but we first had sex after 7 weeks. We would've sooner but DP thought I was still healing so wasn't interested and I thought DP was too tired so wasn't interested!

I agree with LDN he'll probably change his mind soon enough!

Original poster

Chocolocolate · 20/04/2011 22:03

I hope he does.

Thanks for the links.

He said "Don't worry, I'll still sort you out" (ahem), but it's not the same.

I'm hoping I can entice him when he's getting desperate, but right now he says he's dead set against it - strange man

OP posts:

Loopymumsy · 20/04/2011 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nunnie · 20/04/2011 22:39

My DH was like this with number 1, then my rampant hormones kicked in and he didn't get an option he soon changed his mind.

Beamur · 20/04/2011 22:40

TMI perhaps - but we had great sex during pregnancy, right up the the end. If I had waited from conception to baby sleeping through I'd have had two years of abstinence..

nunnie · 20/04/2011 22:43

DH didn't get any after the birth until I felt my vagina had reduced in size enough not to eat him whole. (Oopps sorry that was way too much information wasn't it)?

lolajane2009 · 20/04/2011 22:58

lol tell him if he wont have sex with you then he can't masturbate either or do anything stimulating.... tell him if he insists you go without he must totally starve as well.

(lol sorry if that is tmi or petty... but it might make him think again.)

EricNorthmansMistress · 20/04/2011 23:09

I'd be hugely fucked off if my DH announced he wouldn't have sex durng the whole pregnancy. Who does he think he is? And doesn't he realise you are still you, and not a bloody baby farm? Grrrr.

Give it a couple of months til you feel better, spoon in bed, snuggle your arse up to his cock, he won't be able to resist

cowboylover · 20/04/2011 23:19

Like others have said there is a difference between saying it and doing it in practice, my DH was the same until we did!

As Loopy said there might be a point where you are glad not to as some have felt pressured and not really been up for it as it was.

Enjoy your pregnancy x

Zipitydoda · 20/04/2011 23:38

My DH is like this and has been for all 3 pregnancies. Very frustrating but at least it puts me under no pressure to start again when with newborn, feeding and not feeling remotely sexy.
He is wonderful in many, many other ways and our sex life has got back to normal eventually after each DC.
I'd never make him do anything if he didnt want to and vice versa although it is frustrating.

mercibucket · 20/04/2011 23:44

lolol
was just about to post, before zipitydoda beat me to it and proved me wrong , my dh was like that with the first
they soon learn
tell him he won't be having sex for at least a year afterwards and he might start altering his position on pre-birth nookie

meditrina · 20/04/2011 23:49

I think some men are put off by the thought there's a baby there, even if their rational mind says it makes no difference.

Still, there's plenty of things you can do other than penetrative sex, aren't there?

kat2504 · 21/04/2011 07:50

Unless he has a 90 degree bend in his penis it will be nowhere near the baby, as the vagina goes backwards and the uterus tilts forwards. Show him a diagram!
It's the last thing on my mind at the moment and I have got it right down to once a week. But I'd hate th think of going without entirely! Is he prepared to indulge you with non penetrative activities? You could use it as an excuse to get lots and lots of foreplay and oral!

mrsravelstein · 21/04/2011 07:54

i pretty much hated having sex in all of my pregnancies and had little/no interest when breastfeeding, so it would have suited me just fine

AppleyEverAfter · 21/04/2011 17:14

My DH said this and lasted till I was about 12 weeks. I did have to explain a bit, bless him, biology is not his strongest subject.

We don't do it missionary style though as this squished my bump last time (TMI, sorry!). Now it's about once/twice a week.

rightontime · 21/04/2011 19:12

My DH was like this last time and we did not have sex from conception until after the baby was born. Even then it was pretty infrequent until I stopped breast feeding. I hated it at the time but this time round I am not feeling too bothered. Although I think he has changed his mind this time. Perhaps a year of no sex has made him never want to go without again!

theonlyhb2 · 21/04/2011 19:16

ha ha ha yeah, will miss sex but still expect blow jobs!

WiiUnfit · 22/04/2011 11:09

Mine was a bit nervous about DTD after we found out I was pregnant, once I explained that our baby was nowhere near where his penis would be he soon changed his mind, lucky for me because my hormones were driving me mad!

loveruthwatson · 22/04/2011 11:20

My XP found me extra sexy when I was pregnant with DC1. So DH's squeamishness really upset me - I am one of those women who become really horny when pregnant and I felt really rejected. He said it "felt weird to think about there being a baby in there", and he didn't like positions being 'difficult'. He was fine going down on me though, which did help a bit.

I didn't feel so much like sex after the DCs were born/establishing BFing but it was different with all of them.

Bogeyface · 22/04/2011 13:25

I am disgusted at the posters suggesting ways to manipulate him into sex. There would be absolute outrage if men were posting those things about their pregnant wives, why is this any different? Pregnancy affects all people, men and women, differently and if the OPs DH is certain that he doesnt want sex then he has that right just as much as the OP would if she had said it.

I am 35 weeks and have had sex once since we conceived and that was before our first scan at 7 weeks. Yes it is massively frustrating and it has affected our relationship alot as I have felt rejected and unwanted. The difference is that my DH didnt talk about it like the OPs DH, he just avoided the subject. when I finally got him to talk it seems that he has no libido whatsoever now I am PG, he doesnt masturbate, doesnt fancy anyone else, has no interest in porn, nothing.

It was difficult but I have come to realise that I must accept that. No one would consider me unreasonable for losing my libido when I am pg, so why shouldnt he have the right to be left alone when the same happens to him? It has worried him, as he has always been a highly sexed person but we are both agreed that we think it purely PG related and we are giving ourselves 3 months post baby to see how things go. If there is still a problem then we will see a therapist, DH really wants to do that as he is concerned it is a permanent thing and doesnt want it to be.

One thing that I would advise is to make sure you dont lose the hugs and kisses along with the sex. DH avoided me physically for a long time because he didnt want me to think he was initiating sex and that was the worst bit. Since we talked about it he will hug me and kiss me and give me cuddles in bed, which has made a huge difference to me feeling less rejected.

Its horrible but if he is adamant then there isnt much you can do about it but accept it and be understanding. Trying to force the issue will put him under pressure and may make things worse, as I found to my cost. Think how you would feel if it was the other way around and how you would feel being put under pressure to have sex you didnt want. Thats what I did and it has helped me to understand.

saoirse86 · 22/04/2011 14:31

Bogeyface the OP said herself:

"Help me think of ways to persuade him - I don't want to be celibate for a year!"

Men do talk about these things too, and it's not like anyone's suggesting she should tie him down and force him into it, just what she can say/do to make him realise it's not going to cause harm, it's not weird, she may well feel like it afterwards, and it may have a negative effect on their relationship (like it has done for you).

I really don't think anyone meant anything but to be supportive and offer ways of making her feel like she can do something about the situation.

Bogeyface · 22/04/2011 15:05

I see what you are saying, but really there isnt anything she can do other than show him the facts. If he still feels that sex is off the agenda then she has to do what I have had to, and put up with it!

Tricking him or pressuring him into sex that he doesnt want wouldnt be acceptable if it was the other way around and it makes me uncomfortable that it seems ok to do because he is a man.

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