DH doesn't want sex now I'm pregnant - need advice

[babygap]

Hi - excuse crappy nickname - everything I wanted had already gone.

I need some advice. I am eight months pregnant and feeling really fed up. My DH hasn't wanted sex for most of my pregnancy (Managed it when I was four months but nothing since) He assures me that he still loves/fancies me but says he is worried about harming the baby. We had a great sex life before pregnancy and I am finding this really hard to cope with (Actually feeling quite horny) It doesn't help that I've put on nearly four stone and gone from a size ten to a size eighteen. I'm not exactly feeling attractive - as you can imagine - and this isn't helping.

Is this the beginning of the end of our sex life? Has anyone else been through this? My DH is still affectionate and isn't shallow - he assures me that normal service will be resumed post baby. But now I'm worried that after the baby he won't be interested either - He is very squeamish and wrinkles his nose at the thought of seeing me breastfeeding so that's another worry. Will he now just see me as a mother and no longer be interested?

Another worry is that he's going to be with me in labour at my insistence even though I know he's worried about it. He won't watch any birth videos because he couldn't cope with it. Am I building a rod for my own back by making him be there? Will he never fancy me again?

I'm aware that this all sounds a bit teenage and I'm 33 so should know better but all advice/experiences of this would be gratefully appreciated. All I can see on other threads is people talking about having sex and I feel really left out.....

Hi babygap

I think this is a really common worry of fathers to be. No matter how much you tell them that there is no way that your baby has any idea what you are doing, it seems to go in one ear and out of the other. Is he shying away from all sexual contact not just penetrative ?

P.S. You could try telling him that orgasm is actually GOOD for you, it'll help tone the uterine muscles ready for labour

My dp onced said that he felt it was weird as if someone else was in the room..... go figure.

Hi babygap. My DH was exactly the same - practically the minute we found out I was pregnant sex stopped. He just found it really strange to have sex when a baby was growing in me (or two as we later found out!). As I got bigger he moved into the spare room because I was uncomfortable and restless and I found this very hurting - I too thought it was the beginning of the end and I thought we would never be intimate again, particularly when two babys were taking up all our time.

I neededn't have worried though - I remember three weeks after the birth, leaving our little DDs fast asleep in their moses baskets in the lounge while we dashed upstairs to see if things still worked! I was desperate to restart that side of things again and DH was absolutely fine now the babies were out, even though I must have looked a bit scary with stitches and stretch marks.

Now 2.5 years on I can't say that sex is as frequent as pre-babies but I guess that is normal. We still have our moments though and I say quality is better than quantity!

Don't worry about it - just try and make an effort after the birth to re-establish some intimacy and everything will get back on track. I think this is a very common problem. My DH actually thought he might hurt the babies by having sex - think he was over-estimating things there!! Hee Hee.

This seems very common - but that doesn't make it less upsetting. Some men seem simply nervous about the effect on the baby, but I think some use that as a front for quite a deep fear about the primeaval nature of pregnancy and childbirth.
Does he have any male friends who are fathers who could talk to him? Are you going to an NCT ante-natal class? They can be quite good for getting fathers to talk about what it is like for them. My DP and I found the discussions acted as a good catalyst for some very frank talks between us and I discovered a lot about his fears for his role in labour, etc.
In a funny way, it might mean he loves you more, not less, that he is taking your pregnancy so much to heart...frustrating when your hormones are sky-high and it's a great chance to enjoy contraception-free sex!

Thanks for this everyone. In answer to your question WSM he is shying away from all sexual contact - not just penetrative. But in fairness to him he has been working extremely hard recently and funnily enough I know he is feeling a bit self conscious himself as he's put weight on too (Partly my fault, I think. I'm one of those women who never usually has anything fattening in the house but has been happily 'eating for two' throughout pregnancy - suddenly there's chocolate and ice cream everywhere) So that could be related.

We have discussed this several times. I told him recently that I would like to feel that something could replace sex - massage, intimacy. But it feels a bit self defeating, in a way. Because if he gave me a massage after a conversation like that it would lose it's appeal - something I've had to nag him for, if you know what I mean? He keeps saying that he just can't get his head round the fact that there's a baby inside me and can't feel sexual. He says he can't help the way he feels....

He is quite a sensitive empathic person and I know last night he made a real effort to be affectionate, knowing that I was feeling a bit down. But his affection is a bit 'cutesy' rather than sexy, if you know what I mean. He ruffles my hair and kisses my forehead - calls me cutie etc. I actually got a vibrator out yesterday (Sorry if this is too much information) when he was at work. But am a bit worried as I'm eight and a half months pregnant and not ready to go into labour yet. (Should i be introducing strange things into the vaginal area? Can't oxytocin be produced by orgasm and therefore set me off?)

Sorry to post so many questions and worries but its really good to talk about it and hear other people's experiences. Glad to hear you've been through the same thing sandyballs! (Great nickname - you can tell I'm not having sex because I've given myself a cutesy, sickly nickname - babygap - Help! I've become a sexless being)

Babygap, you could be telling my story. My situation seems to be exactly the same, except I'm 22 weeks. My dh gives me lots of hugs and kisses but nothing more Sometimes I'll say give me a kiss then and he'll kiss my bump- sweet really! I'll be interested to see if you get any good advice as his reasons seem to be similar to your dh's. Suppose it's just as weird for them as it is for us being pregnant (well not quite...)

Hi babygap, as everyone else has said it is very common for men to be like this and fear they will hurt the baby.Dont worry about anything as I am positive your sex life will return to normal once everything has settled down.
My dh and I were in the same position as yourself and your dh.I used to ask him if he needed sorting but he refused, because he said it was not fair on me, missing out on sex. So I used to pop a porno on when I went to bed, it soon got him in the mood for sex.

When I was pregnant my DP took on that 'cutesie' thing - quite out of character! He didn't go off sex, in fact I was worrying that he was taking quite a perverted approach to the whole thing, but he did change. Our sex life had been very adventurous and full on, but when I became pregnant, he went all conventional and reverent. But like S'balls, it didn't last. Despite DP accompanying me through the most horror-film delivery (the obstetrician and mw got splattered all over with blood as the ventouse connection gave way, and the ob went reeling backwards onto the floor...) I had my first mutually inspired orgasm 8 days later.
Probably too late to change your DH's mind now...but don't worry, anything you do before your waters break is O.K! And the oxytocin will stand you in very good stead....the more the better to get you endomorphins up for a good labour!

MIne never fancies sex wiht me huge.

I wish mine didn't. I know some people think it's wierd when men say they don't like sex when yr pg because it feels like someone else in room, but this is how I feel to some extent.

If yr 8 months, maybe you can persuade him that he might not get any for ages/ it'll help tone up uterus/ loosen perineum (seriously, if you're not having sex, I'd do some serious perineal massage) / it can help bring labour on, if you want it over & done with.

If it's any reassurance, my dh wouldn't sit down & watch a birth video if I paid him. he really hates them & hates me watching them, but he has been absolutely fantastic at both of my last 2 deliveries. While he thought it was 'freaky', it hasn't put him off. i'd take him at his word that he still loves & fancies you.

Good luck

why should they watch birth videos?

IMo there is areason why your head is at one end and your bum at the other

Babygap I could have written your post myself! My dh was exactly the same. Sex is fine now (14 weeks) but I know once I get big it will be a no no. I was very upset when I had dd and this happened. I took it really personally and he said that it was because of the baby and he worried about it and just didn't feel right etc but I also know secretly that he didn't find the heavily pregnant body very attractive but didn't want to hurt my feelings. It became a big issue for me and I got very, very upset at times. Although a lot of my friends said don't be silly and just enjoy my pregnancy who cares about sex. But that did not help one bit because I too felt quite horny but that aside, most importantly, I found it dented my confidence. It was just one of those things I guess and I can assure you that it resumed straight after (about a week after I had dd) and has been excellent ever since and is still good now in the early stages of my second pregnancy. I have thought about it a lot with this pregnancy and have worried about how I will feel again when I get to the same stage and sex goes dry again but I know it isn't personal and that it will get back to normal.
Re the birth. DH wasn't put off by it or didn't seem to be but I did keep him strictly up this end because I wanted it to be that way.
I do definitely understand how you are feeling and I don't think there is anything wrong with using a vibrator, I masturbated a lot in the later stages of my first pregnancy because I was sexually frustrated (and I hasten to add this was the first time I have EVER done that in my life... what an awakening ) and I found it got me through and helped to relieve some of the tension I was feeling. It certainly didn't bring labour on early dd was 10 days late.
Sorry can't really add anything useful but at least you know you are not alone.

BabyGap, you are not alone! I had my DD 9 years ago, but I still remember a few things...we managed to have sex the night before I delivered which I know I have mentioned in at least 10 other threads... but we certainly did not have too much in between. My husband was at the delivery, but I begged him not to look down "there" as I never wanted him to remember my vagina opened to 10 centimeters. Coddy's comment was so right! Actually my deal with DH is, if you don't look at my bum, I won't look at the back of your thinning head! It is our love deal. Sex has still not sprung back to what it used to be (which I have noted in another thread too), but so many of the other Mums on here have said their sex life has recovered almost completely, so I do believe there is hope! I love the comment about "hurting" the baby, there is a thing about that over here about men and their delusions about measurements.

:0 sunchowder
yep, know just what you mean too babygap. I don't know if this will really be consoling or not but I think my dh regretted it once ds was born and I went off all that kind of monkey business for months on end (sorry - obviously lots of other women didn't go through this). I used to tell him he'd missed his chance and served him right (I'm not very nice!).
This time round I've noticed dh is making a lot more effort! No fannying around talking about 'damaging the baby' any more - he's just damn grateful for any interest thrown his way!

My dh was the same the first time I was pregnant. He went off sex when I started getting a little bigger around 5 months. And that was it until after the birth. To be honest I wasn't really in the mood anyway half the time but to know that he seriously didn't want to while I was pregnant was quite hurtful to me.
I'm now expecting #2 and I know that in a few months time the same will happen again. but I know that afterwards things will go back to normal, well as normal as it can get with a new baby and an older child in the house.

Thanks for all your posts. I've found them really reassuring. Morocco - I like the thought of getting my own back post birth! Am having my baby at home and the midwife reassured me yesterday that I can have the lights down low so I"m hoping my birth will be soft focus and sweet music so that DH doesn't get put off me for lifef! (Yeah, right I can hear all you experienced mums mutter) Baby due on October 7th so I'll let you know how it goes!

Babygap ... we have the opposite problem! My poor DS is so patient but I would rather walk on glass than have sex ... was the same with DS (but not as bad). Mainly because, like you, I put on huge amounts of weight when pregnant and for the life of me I just can not see how DH could possibly find attractive about me ...
Also it is me that has a 'thing' about sex harming the baby ... My sensible head tells me that that is ridiculous but my sensible head doesn't come out very often!!

Sorry ... obviously meant that my DH is very patient ... derrr!

Blokes thoughts alert:

• It's very, very common - don't panic. For all sorts of reasons, some guys (myself to some extent) don't like the idea - it's not you - it's the baby being 'in there' - and giving him lots of technical information about how it's fine won't help - sex isn't a technical issue. Fraid to say the porno idea is probably the best - but some laydees don't like that kind of thing!

• Re the birth - you are very used to thinking about your birth choices, but men should have choices as well - and informed choice is the best. He needs to know that his presence will make the birth much, much easier for you - you are less likely to have intrusive interventions if he is present (true from research), and you are likely to report less pain in labour (also true, from research). He needs to know that it's merely his PRESENCE that helps - he actually doesn't need to do much more than just be close to you, let you hit him etc etc. He should know that over 98% of dads say that being at the birth is the most moving experience of their life. He should know that dads fainting is a myth etc. ... BUT... ultimately, he also has to know that he has a choice whether or not to attend - with this freedom, being there becomes HIS choice, not a co-ercion. If he's freely there, he's likely to be happier. He's also got choices about how to operate when he's in the delivery room - there are a range of options between being an observer - very inactive, just being with you and watching... to more of a coach - when he knows more about the process, and helps you regulate your breathing, helps you move around the room changing positions etc etc.

Send him to Fathers Direct - we've got a forum where he can ask this kind of question and get decent replies from other dads without embarrasment, and without having to reveal who he is - it would help alot of dads if someone asked this question.

Good to hear a blokes perspective on this. Bit confused about the porno reference though. I don't have the slightest problem with it but am confused about what you mean. Do you mean I should watch porno or we should watch it together? If you mean the former then don't worry - I have a fertile imagination and am sorting myself out perfectly well sexually. (Suddenly feels a bit pervy sharing this with a bloke!) If you mean the latter then I can tell you now that the thought of DH looking from the porn star on screen to his eight and a half months pregnant wife is the turn off of the century (For both of us I'm sure!)

But thanks for your comments about the birth. He is seeming more comfortable with it by the day and as we are going to be at home he can dip in and out when he likes. (I have two excellent midwives) I'm glad to hear the stats on how moving men find it. Gives me hope. Thanks again

Hey Tom, I tried to get onto Fathers Direct as I needed some men's advice on my situation, but whilst I have registered as a user and logged in, I still cannot post on any of the topics.
Oh and as for sex, our situation is reversed!

Babygap this is so so common. Dh wouldn't touch me from 5 months onwards - I did tell him that there was no chance he'd hurt the baby cos he wasn't that big, but still no go. I also resorted to vibrators (best to use externally though at this stage) cos I was probably the horniest I have ever been.
This is honestly nothing to do with your size. It's just all about the baby being there as well. Normal service can be resumed afterwards (11 days afterwards in my case)

Rhubarb
When you register, you get an email - you have to click a link in it to validate your registration. I've checked your membership and you are active, so as long as you're logged in, you should be able to post.

Tom - have a look here !
Fathers can be good birth partners and can aso be NOT good partners.

The 15 studies I am familiar with all talk about women support in labour - not dads - reducinmg sections, epidurals, instrumental deliveries and PND

• OK Let's debate now