DH doesn't want sex now I'm pregnant - need advice

[babygap]

Hi - excuse crappy nickname - everything I wanted had already gone.

I need some advice. I am eight months pregnant and feeling really fed up. My DH hasn't wanted sex for most of my pregnancy (Managed it when I was four months but nothing since) He assures me that he still loves/fancies me but says he is worried about harming the baby. We had a great sex life before pregnancy and I am finding this really hard to cope with (Actually feeling quite horny) It doesn't help that I've put on nearly four stone and gone from a size ten to a size eighteen. I'm not exactly feeling attractive - as you can imagine - and this isn't helping.

Is this the beginning of the end of our sex life? Has anyone else been through this? My DH is still affectionate and isn't shallow - he assures me that normal service will be resumed post baby. But now I'm worried that after the baby he won't be interested either - He is very squeamish and wrinkles his nose at the thought of seeing me breastfeeding so that's another worry. Will he now just see me as a mother and no longer be interested?

Another worry is that he's going to be with me in labour at my insistence even though I know he's worried about it. He won't watch any birth videos because he couldn't cope with it. Am I building a rod for my own back by making him be there? Will he never fancy me again?

I'm aware that this all sounds a bit teenage and I'm 33 so should know better but all advice/experiences of this would be gratefully appreciated. All I can see on other threads is people talking about having sex and I feel really left out.....

Given that 96% of fathers are the birth partner, this is quite an irresponsible piece.

The reason that most dads are not very well equipped to be birth partners is that NO ONE supports or prepares them to be so. There is no free information given to fathers in maternity wards (we are changing this), the general experience of fathers is that midwives and health professionals fail to include them in the process, and certainly do not cover the issues around how to support their partner in the labour ward. And no one ever asks men how they are feeling in preparation for the birth, despite the fact that we have very good information about the kind of worries (and they are many, and intense) that dads-to-be have.

This study compares TRAINED WOMEN with UNTRAINED MEN and then claims that the women are more effective - well DUH! Of course they will be!!! Train up the dads and THEN compare, and then we'll see what the results are - this is crappy research that is biased against fathers and will not get much credibillity within the fatherhood research community.

Effective Doulas will always involve and engage the father, and most fathers have very positive experiences, as the Doulas are more effective than the midwives at giving the dad an idea of what to do. To set Doulas and fathers up as in some kind of competition is a disservice to labouring women, who can benefit from both.

You have to remember that the dad to be is:

• Becoming a parent - and is already deeply involved - if you exclude him from the birth, you are making step one in excluding him from his child and putting the whole burden of childcare onto the mother - if you all want useless uninvolved dads, then this is the way to go.

• The most important person to the labouring mother - despite being totally unsupported and even at times actively excluded, MOST mothers want their partners present - the woman's choice in birth is paramount, and it is irrelevant how 'effective' the father is as a birth partner - if the mum wants him, he should be able to attend.

Don't know what the rest of you think, but I'm IRRITATED!!

Given that 96% of fathers are the birth partner, this is quite an irresponsible piece.

The reason that most dads are not very well equipped to be birth partners is that NO ONE supports or prepares them to be so. There is no free information given to fathers in maternity wards (we are changing this), the general experience of fathers is that midwives and health professionals fail to include them in the process, and certainly do not cover the issues around how to support their partner in the labour ward. And no one ever asks men how they are feeling in preparation for the birth, despite the fact that we have very good information about the kind of worries (and they are many, and intense) that dads-to-be have.

This study compares TRAINED WOMEN with UNTRAINED MEN and then claims that the women are more effective - well DUH! Of course they will be!!! Train up the dads and THEN compare, and then we'll see what the results are - this is crappy research that is biased against fathers and will not get much credibillity within the fatherhood research community.

Effective Doulas will always involve and engage the father, and most fathers have very positive experiences, as the Doulas are more effective than the midwives at giving the dad an idea of what to do. To set Doulas and fathers up as in some kind of competition is a disservice to labouring women, who can benefit from both.

You have to remember that the dad to be is:

• Becoming a parent - and is already deeply involved - if you exclude him from the birth, you are making step one in excluding him from his child and putting the whole burden of childcare onto the mother - if you all want useless uninvolved dads, then this is the way to go.

• The most important person to the labouring mother - despite being totally unsupported and even at times actively excluded, MOST mothers want their partners present - the woman's choice in birth is paramount, and it is irrelevant how 'effective' the father is as a birth partner - if the mum wants him, he should be able to attend.

• Available - like I said - 96% of dads in the UK attend the birth - they don't cost the NHS or the woman anything, and they are (usually) very committed to the woman and the child - if someone would only pay some bloody attention to them and give them information and support, they could become more useful. But they are a hell of alot cheaper and more widely available than a Doula, and are a completely undervalued and underdeveloped resource available to support the mother.

Don't know what the rest of you think, but I'm IRRITATED!!

You should have seen the news 2 minutes ago on the BBC... saying something similar.

Similar to the story on the bbc website, or similar to what I said?

Well tghe research I know of (and it does not include the one from Toronto) does not compare it to men.

All doulas WORK with dads.... it is very rare that women who hire a doula exclude the father (unless it is his choice not to be there).

In my experience I find that most dads are very anxious - however well prepared they are - and they can be - as they don't always like seing their wife in such pain - losing control... they may encourage their wife to follow a medical course which would be suggested by a midwife whilst the mother herself might not want to. Or he may say "no she doesn't want an epidural... she was qujite insitant...." while the mother has changed her mind but he feels he needs to stay true to her wishes.

Or most commonly - he is as confused as the mother as what would help her best - as he has not been at any other labour (if his first)...

Just some thoughts.

BTW - I think it is FAB that you fight for father's right ! I feel men ARE neglected in labour wards - BIG TIME!

To the website... basically saying that dads are often quite anxious. Not mentioning doulas but showing an independent midwife. Suggesting women to have another women supporter (not saying not having dads by the way!)

Just got off the phone with the woman from the Doula association - our conversation was very similar to what you've said - almost all the men I've spoken to about it have had a very positive experience with Doulas - they empower men by giving support their role as supporters of the women - and reduce the anxiety levels men experience. Doulas form partnerships with the women, her partner and the midwife - so its very irritating to see an untrained journalist attempting to set up a false dichotomy between doulas and fathers.

The danger with this story is that it will cause fathers and mothers to be more anxiety, as they think that the dads presence can be a hindrence. We know that even an inexperienced father is better than no support at all, and that's important.

Bloody Journalists.

Oh - and sorry for hijacking your thread babygap - perhaps if anyone else wants to post on this we can create a new topic?

Tom, I completely agree with you re support offered to Dads, BUT we found that our NCT ante-natal class was extremely helpful for Dads, and I had excellent community m/ws who specialised in home births who were brilliant at supporting my DP to be an EXCELLENT birth partner: they left the two of us alone a lot, sent us upstairs for some private nipple twiddling to speed things up, offered him homeopathic medecine from their case when he had been awake for two nights....
I felt much more confident because my DP had been able to attend all ante-natal appts and classes, and it has helped us deal with parenting together since. I would campaign for paid time off for dads for all ante-natal appts and classes. Not altogether off babygaps post: it helps men and women understand each other on wide range of childbearing issues.

Tom - what do YOU call the doula association ??? British Doula or Doula UK ? 2 very different birds... BD is an (nanny/doula) agency, Doula UK is a not for profit associtaion of doulas.
Just curious !
Thanks

British Doula - I spoke to Jasmine - the woman quoted on the website. Very dad friendly - it's the journo who has it all wrong - turned it into a 'dads are bad' story - complete crap - Doulas are very pro-dads.

we are trying to get Women's Hour to do a program on it with us on.

Blu - NCT (who we work with extensively) are very good for dads, as are midwives working with women planning homebirths (committed and informed dads/birth partners can be very important for positive homebirths)

beetroot - would you say the same to mums?

So if a mum doesn't go out and seek out the support she needs, then it's her fault and tough luck? What if she is unconfident when it comes to talking to hospitals and health professionals? What if she has difficulty reading?

And where is the material for expectant dads? If you're a mum, you go to hospital and emerge laden with info about the pregnancy - but there is nothing for fathers, from their point of view.

96% of fathers attend the birth, so you can hardly say they're unwilling - I think it's a little more complex than this. There are very few services for dads and dads are not encouraged to go out and get the support they need. Even if they try, health professionals will often blank them and argue that it's only women who are service users.

When there is a pro-active health service that is ready and willing to engage fathers, with supporting information and literature to inform them, then sure, blame the dads. But let's hold judgement until that's all in place, shall we?

Tom - British doula (so NOT the association but a private nanny agency) would be friendly to you (and speak a language you want to hear).... they are after all selling a service
Sorry me being sarcastic too !

Of course the Doula UK association would be friendly to you too but they are not selling anything

I've always had very positive feedback from dads who have used Doulas. They help the dads feel useful, and take the pressure off them to get technical decisions right.

On your concern about dh being with you during the birth, I can add that my dh was really spooked before hand. We had a couple of heated discussions because he wanted me to say it was OK if he wanted to leave the room because he didn't like what he was seeing. He was also worried about blood being on ds when he was born and being asked to hold him and he definitely wasn't interested in cutting the cord.

The good news is that in the end he was absolutely caught up in the whole event. I think it is about context. When ds's head crowned the midwife said I should touch it and he asked if he could too. The umbilical cord was too short to lay ds on my tummy right away and the midwife asked him to cut the cord and he nearly leapt across me to get to the scissors. While I was holding ds the midwife asked if I would like to have a look at the placenta - I said absolutely not and dh said 'no problem, I'll have a look and tell you about it later if you want to hear'. I just think with all the build up (he was with me for the last 19hrs), all his qualms just went out the window.

So maybe you don't have to pressure your dh, it may all come together on the day.

Tom - have you seen today's independent ???

Well, my DH AND my mother were with me when I was in labour ... they were fantastic and supportive ... both of them ... I couldn't have asked for more ...
But after 50 hours I still had a c/s
I am not surprised that Tom is irritated by this.
I personally do not see how my sister, mum or best friend would do more than my husband who is the father of the my baby and as much the parent as I am! In fact my sister would be too bossy and my best friend would probably faint

My dh was with me when our dd was born and he wasn't very much help at all. He was there because I had asked him to be there and he wasn't very comfortable with the whole situation but was there for me because I wanted him there. I'm now pregnant again and I've told him that if he doesn't want to be there that's fine. I've said to him that I'd like it if he's there at the beginning which he's agreed to but if he wants to go out at any point or not be there for the actual birth that's fine.
I think I'd get along better without him there anyway.