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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Im right arnt i? Can plan to go to cousins wedding 5 hour drive away at 40+4 when planning home birth

37 replies

nannyl · 01/04/2011 10:14

My cousin is getting married

We are a close family and have grown up with my cousins etc. I am now pregnant and will be 40+3 on wedding date.
I am planning a home birth
Am planning to breast feed baby.
Wedding is a 5 hour drive away (sometimes 7 when traffic issues)

I have said there is no way i can be a 5 hour drive away when im "that pregnant". If i was having a hospital birth i wouldnt worry so much, as the hospitals down there are lovely, and if i had to choose between the hospital up here / down there id choose down there without question...

BUT am planning a home birth in water with pool etc, so need to be at / near home!

Even if i had baby a bit early or at 38 weeks or something, baby will still be tiny, and i imagine a 5 hour journey taking so much longer as baby will need breast feeding regularly.
In the earliest days when im just learning to breast feed, i dont really fancy feeding in service stations either... fine when baby is a bit older, when we are both a bit better at it, but ive not done it yet and not expecting it to be easy!

My cousin (cousins sister) and is due 4 weeks before the wedding. Her baby will have been born by then, and the youngest it will be on the date is 2 weeks. They live round the corner, so no 5 hour journey to do with a newborn (that could also be 4 - 6 weeks old by then). They are going!

My aunt clearly thinks we should plan to try to go. And has made it quite clear that we should aim to be there.
Bear in mind she went to a family wedding 3 hours away heavily pregnant with her 3rd child (but not due or over due) and went into labour AT the reception , had baby up there, and drove home with a 3day old breastfed new born baby. (but it was her 3rd, she had mastered breast-feeding, and 3 hours is a lot less than 5!) so i think she feels that she made the effort to attend her (DH's) cousins wedding, heavily pregnant so, so should i.
I see why she thinks that, but i am further away, and dont want baby in a hospital if possible.

and just to complicate matters further, OHs cousin is getting married 4 hours away, on the very same day. (at a venue about 2 hours away from my cousins wedding)
MY cousins date has been set for 3 years, and I am very close to my cousin. OH is not close to this cousin, and they only announced the date a few months ago.

If we went to my cousins wedding it might upset OH's side of family. (bear in mind i have never even met his cousin who is getting married, but OH has met mine!)

If we go (and i am assuming we cant) It seems we should be attending both . One wedding (OHs cousin) and then my cousins reception!

I really dont want to be doing a 2 hour journey on the day, + 4 hour journey day before + 5 hour journey day after either very heavily pg, or with a tiny newborn do i?

I am trying to say no, but the message isnt sinking in.

OHs cousin wont mind if we dont go to any, but will be insulted we go to my cousins i think

Im not being unreasonable to NOT plan to go to either? am i?

OP posts:

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nethunsreject · 01/04/2011 10:15

No way can you go!

RitaMorgan · 01/04/2011 10:18

No it's ridiculous, of course you can't go.

vaginiasmonalogue · 01/04/2011 10:19

Don't do it!

I think it is unreasonable for you to be expected to be even thinking about it!

Be strong. Put your foot down!

spidookly · 01/04/2011 10:20

No, you absolutely can't go.

Your aunt is being ridiculous.

And you are being very sensible. You're absolutely right that as a first time mother you will probably need time to learn to breastfeed, get your head around motherhood etc before you'll be out and about.

You'd think a woman with 3 children would remember that, but clearly she doesn't.

It's a shame you'll miss your cousin's wedding. But some things are more important than weddings, and giving birth is one of them.

Best of luck with it all :) I hope you have a great birth and perfect breastfeeding nipples :o

Original poster

nannyl · 01/04/2011 10:27

thanks all
I thought i knew i was right

just slightly more difficult given that my aunt did go to couisns wedding pregnant and did even have baby up there and then did a long journey home with a tiny new born (and her other 2 dc!)

Its a shame as i really really wish i could go to the wedding as when i realised i was pg, the very 1st thing i thought about was not being able to make my cousins wedding
Although we were trying, and im delighted to be pg, if i wasnt pg that month i wouldnt have minded so much as could still have gone to the wedding!

OP posts:

mamamona · 01/04/2011 10:30

No no no no no!! I can't believe your family are putting that emotional pressure on you to attend! What is your cousin saying? It seems that your aunt feels like she's superwoman and expects everyone else to be able to be like her, but she really is not understanding the difference in circumstances with you. 40 + 3, my goodness! Noooo!!

I think your views are absolutely justified, even if you have had the baby by that time, you want to be able to get used to the baby and feeding and the baby's preferences and give the baby a chance to get used to you. A newborn on a 5 hour journey, having to endure possibly two weddings with a 2 hour drive in between is unfathomable.

Stay strong, you are totally right.

kviddy · 01/04/2011 10:32

No you cant go!

Stay home!

I've said loud and proud since i got pregnant that for the first 3 months i'll be in bed breast feeding and doing nothing else. Whilst this may not turn out to be completely true, I just want to make sure the family's expectations of what I'll be doing post birth arent that high!

LionRock · 01/04/2011 10:32

I would suggest that you can't plan anything at 40+4, unless you are clear that it's a tentative plan that shouldn't be relied upon (like your local friends are meeting for lunch, you'll make it along if you can...)

It sounds like your aunt is in full wedding mode and is not considering anyone else. It's unlikely that anything said to her will change her opinion - a reasonable person (as she maybe usually is?) wouldn't have said or thought the things you have already written. The nonsense about what she did while pg in the past is irrelevant. She may as well say that she pushed hers out without a CS so you've no need for one. Or she was only in labour for 4 hours so why are you still in labour next day? Can you accept that you have different priorities from her and that she's unlikely to start thinking from your perspective, so there's little point in trying to explain yourself?

I do think you must put your own situation first. I'm in the final weeks too and I know that you don't need the stress and uncertainty.

Oh and I also think the homebirth vs hospital birth thing is a red herring. Even if you planned a hospital birth, your main notes are presumably with your usual hospital and you'd surely be more comfortable knowing you are a few mins from home rather than facing a very long journey home with a newborn baby. Never mind the car full of stuff you'd need to take with you to the wedding! (Wedding stuff, in labour stuff, going home stuff, baby stuff, car seat...)

spidookly · 01/04/2011 10:35

"I've said loud and proud since i got pregnant that for the first 3 months i'll be in bed breast feeding and doing nothing else. "

smart :)

ZenNudist · 01/04/2011 10:40

You are right. Your aunt is an idiot. Point out her experience is neither normal nor desirable and if anything supports your case that you can't go to a wedding heavily pg. Tell her you spoke to a consultant and s/he said no!

buttonmoon78 · 01/04/2011 10:42

Nope. Don't go. I'm so blase about such stuff normally but there is NO WAY I would go!

mamamona · 01/04/2011 10:44

yes zenNudist love the consultant idea!

exhausted2011 · 01/04/2011 10:49

i think you should go

HappyAsASandboy · 01/04/2011 10:49

Tbh it doesn't matter what your aunt thinks. You have (rightly IMO) decided that it isn't sensible to go, so you shouldn't go (unless you change your mind ).

If she insists you should try to go, accept the invitation, with a warning that you might not be able to make it. Then don't make it. Ring on the day and give your very reasonable excuses, and let the aunt deal with the spare dinners and seating plans .

Definitely don't go if you don't want to. It is so so so easy to Thinks back and wish you'd acted differently at such am emotional time - you really don't want to resent your aunt/cousin for ages because you believe they affected such a special (and emotional) time. You have to do it your way so that you only have to make peace with yourself if you end up with 'I should have' and 'I wish i had' thoughts.

Good luck, and congratulations in advance!

exhausted2011 · 01/04/2011 10:50

joke!

Original poster

nannyl · 01/04/2011 10:54

Lion rock, My aunt did take labour stuff, baby stuff and car seat to that wedding just in case. Baby was a girl (supposidly) so packed some pink baby grows etc... well he was a boy and wore pink for his 1st few days!

My aunt is lovely, we get on well, I get on well with all my family. I guess they are just sad that we wont be there. i really really wish i could be there!
Have been looking forward to it for a couple of years etc.

I get on so so well with all my cousins, they will have a fab day withour us etc but it wont be the same without us there too. But hey, thats life, and in the unlikely event baby is born early, so more than just a few days / weeks old, then i will consider going!

But cant be planning it with a newborn / pregnant and over due! (id also love to see other cousin and her new baby too!)

OP posts:

NowPlease · 01/04/2011 10:55

No way can you go.

And if the pregnancy wasn't an issuethen OH's cousin has got to get a grip and understand that you accepted your cousins invitation first.

G1nger · 01/04/2011 11:38

You aunt is a pain in the arse. What she did was her decision. She can't hold you to that ridiculous standard.

slowshow · 01/04/2011 11:41

There's no way you can go! You may have already given birth by then, in which case you won't be up for travelling. And if you've overdue... you won't be up for travelling

One of my friends is getting married 9 days after my due date. I'm gutted I can't go, but there's no way I can. She totally understands!

jellyhead188 · 01/04/2011 11:52

I think it depends on when your baby comes to be honest and how you feel - my Brother in law got married (I was supposed to be 38+6 on the day_ and my daughter was born on the monday (38+1) and we went up to Yorkshire (usually a 3 hour drive) on the thursday for wedding on saturday. I'm really glad we went BUT she was my second baby, had a v easy straightforward birth and felt really well afterwards, had she been my first no way would we have done it - it really just depends on how you feel nearer the time, I would say no you're not planning to go but if when the time comes you feel ok about going then go! xxx

clouiseg · 01/04/2011 14:34

Maybe suggest to your aunt that the cousin moves the venue of one of the most important days of HER life nearer to you? And then explain sweetly that OF COURSE she wouldn't be expected to do that...so why should YOU do the same so near to one of the most important days of your life??!!

Or of course you could crack a joke about giving birth at the wedding and stealing the brides thunder!!

Leilababyno1 · 01/04/2011 14:45

No way can you go, whether you have had baby or not!

You could film a little video message though, which might be appreciated- they can play it at the reception!...

SingingSands · 01/04/2011 14:47

You'll probably get lots of family saying "but you could go 2wks over" and trying to get you to attend! But only you know how you are feeling. If you don't want to go, then don't go and people ought to respect your decision.

I turned down a wedding invite years ago because it was 9 days after my due date with my first baby. She was born on the wedding day so I'm really glad I didn't make the 5 hour trip to Scotland! With my second, I attended a wedding 3 days before my due date, also in Scotland, as I was sure I would be overdue again and I was, by 11 days.

Stay at home, relax, enjoy hearing about the wedding afterwards and looking at the photos!

Good luck with your home birth x

discobeaver · 01/04/2011 14:54

Completely and utterly bonkers to be even considering going. The fact your aunt went into labour at the reception would put me off even more. Stay at home!

Joannezipan · 01/04/2011 16:06

I know how you feel. My brother is getting married when I will be 42+1 and i'm supposed to be a bridesmaid! They are being very understanding about it and have said as long as I and the baby are happy and healthy they don't mind if i'm not there. I'm hoping to be able to make the 4 hour journey with a new born, but if not then ce le vie. I am planning to make a video message for them to put up on youtube so at least we can wish them well. I am gutted about it though, I'm very close to my brother and I feel awful that I might not be there. I'm hoping if i'm late to plead my case with the MW for induction at 41!

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