Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Hate pulling the pregnancy card, but seriously.....

27 replies

Binkybell · 29/03/2011 20:30

I'm sure loads of you will think I'm being really unreasonable, but I just had to have a rant! One of my closest friends is getting married a 3.5 weeks after my due date, so if I'm overdue my baby might only be days old, obviously if I'm early, then all the better. But....I've just been talking to her and she asked if I'd do her hair and make-up and the bridesmaids. I tried to be really sensitive, but inside was seething, this is my first baby, so I have no idea how I'm going to be feeling, whether the feeding will be going well, how my baby's going to be, and somehow I'm being made to feeling guilty at explaining that I won't be able to do it.

Then after all of this, I get told her hen weekend is planned for either 3 weeks or 2 weeks before my due date, abroad.....again I couldn't believe that I actually had to explain that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to make it, given the proximity to my due date and with no idea how I'm going to be feeling etc, and plus with it being abroad as well.

I'm sure for many of you I sound really precious, but it's driving me crazy that I should even have to explain any of this, and to be made to feel that I'm somehow letting her down.

I appreciate that her wedding is all she's thinking about at the moment, and obviously she's never been pregnant, but I hate the way she's not showing any understanding to how I might be feeling.....
Okay rant over, am I being unreasonable, or am I right to feel the way I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

growing3rdbump · 29/03/2011 20:37

You're not being unreasonable at all!
We are due Middle of May and have been invited to a wedding at the end of May (no children allowed). We are happy to leave DC1 and DC2 with family, but certainly will not agree to leave newborn DC3, who could potentially be only a few days old. We have had to say that we wont be able to attend as a newborn is not allowed to the wedding! DH isn't going on the abroad stag do either as it's close to due date, so you certainly shouldn't have to explain why you wont be going!!! I'm sure she'll understand herself one day!

SouthGoingZax · 29/03/2011 20:39

You're not being unreasonable.

When people haven't had kids themselves, they cannot imagine what it might be like.

Stick to your guns. Better to tell her you can't do it now than let her down nearer the time!

MillsAndDoom · 29/03/2011 20:40

I think you would not actually be alowed to fly so close to your due date anyway - think 32 weeks is the limit without Drs notes so that rules the hen weekend out.

ChristinedePizan · 29/03/2011 20:41

She's just being a bit caught up in the wedding and probably isn't thinking of how you're feeling - she's probably not entirely aware of your due date either. I know it's the most important thing in your life but her wedding is the most important thing in hers right now.

You should probably both cut one another a bit of slack.

KatieMiddleton · 29/03/2011 20:41

Unless she has dc then yes, you are being a bit unreasonable.

Many people have no clue what life with a baby is like and I don't think you can be cross with her for asking. Just say sorry, but no.

peeriebear · 29/03/2011 20:43

Even though it's not in AIBU, YANBU. When I invited my cousin to our wedding she was due to be around eight months pregnant by the time it came around. I told her it was completely up to her if she came or not depending on how she was feeling. She didn't come in the end and that was fine, she apologised but it wasn't necessary! Tell her she's being a bint.

Original poster

Binkybell · 29/03/2011 20:44

Thank you growing3rdbump and SouthGoingZax, that's already made me feel better.
I'm just praying that I'm either early or on time so that I've got a least a couple of weeks to recover before the wedding. Am actually trying not to think about it too much, as otherwise it's going to get me all stressed!!

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 29/03/2011 20:48

YANBU but she probably doesn't understand.

I did not go to my brother's wedding for similar reasons. New SIL (mother of 1) understood, brother sulked, but Geeky Nephew set me up a webcam.

DS was born early, at a time we would still have been 8 hours drive away at wedding, so just as well!

pirateparty · 29/03/2011 20:49

YANBU at all.

She just doesn't understand. Possibly she thinks you might be offended if she didn't 'ask'? But you can't fly at 37 weeks anyway so no question of going on her hen do.

PaperView · 29/03/2011 20:51

YANBU but you won't be allowed to fly if you are late and i think babies have to be 2 weeks old to fly (i could be wrong)

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 29/03/2011 20:52

Weddings and babies are both big events in someone's life, unfortunately when they collide in two people's lives things get tricky.

Brides get caught up in doing everything and forget that people around them have lives too, especially if your pregnancy isn't blindingly obvious to her yet. Clearly you won't be able to do the hen do abroad, you can't commit to doing the hair/make-up (what if you end up going overdue and then having a CS - worst case scenario) and she's just going to have to deal with that.

However you need to remember that this is her big, special day she's planning and she's a little bit allowed to e a bridezilla. You just need to look after yourself and say no to things you can't commit to.

Coppernoddle · 29/03/2011 20:55

I would tell her to sort something els out purely if things with your pregnancy go not to pan ie over or heaven forbid something going wrong then at least she's got someone she can rely on and she doesn't have to find someone last minute which would stress the hell out of her!! Tell her you don't want to let her down on her big day but if you can make it, you'll be there to support her but not to rely on you. X x good luck, be sensitive but don't be pushed around! You wouldn't want baby crying for two hours wanting to feed which you couldn't do if your doing hair and makeup and that would break your heart!!!!

iskra · 29/03/2011 20:57

I assume she doesn't have kids? None of my friends have kids, so I'm rather used to this. People don't mean to be difficult, it's just worlds away from teh spontaneous non-child lifestyle!

Original poster

Binkybell · 29/03/2011 20:57

You are right SnapFrakkleandPop and contrary to how my first post may have sounded, I do get that this is a major big deal for her, I do remember how it felt to get married, and I recognise that a wedding can be all consuming.

OP posts:

theborrower · 29/03/2011 21:01

YANBU. As SnapCrackleandPop says, what if the unexpected happens and you have a CS overdue? Or even if you don't, you don't know how you're going to be feeling/recovering/what's going to happen and newborns are hard work - 3.5 weeks is very young.

She is probably just not thinking - people without kids don't realise how much your life changes when you have them. Lots of people think that all new babies do is sleep.

valbona · 29/03/2011 21:02

man alive, bridezillas make me mad!

as people have suggested say that if you go overdue and end up having a C-section (which isn't at all impossible, although I of course hope things go smoothly for you) then you will be medically incapable of moving let alone doing hair. say you are just thinking about her and would be devastated to let her down - so she MUST get someone else. stand firm!!
and you're safe with the hen, cos of flying as everyone says. phew.
of course be sweetness and light to her and then gloat inside down the line when she moans to you about somebody being unreasonable to her when pregnant ...

kat2504 · 29/03/2011 21:04

You are being quite reasonable. The hen night is quite clearly out of the question and it would be hard to do all that hair and make up with a newborn attached to your boob. Also you will be tired and just actually attending her wedding will be hard enough work for you I'm sure. i've not got any children yet but I know from friends what those early days are like. If you commit to it but then can't follow through, that's much worse than just saying you can't do it now, as she has time to make other arrangements.

Pootletrinket · 29/03/2011 21:08

I think, even without a child, she is being unreasonable - I had pregnant friends coming to my wedding, so planned the hen night to be earlier etc, local (but also wouldn't have minded if they couldn't come). And I also think you're perfectly within your rights (and to still be very reasonable) to decline to do her hair etc - just tell her there's no way of knowing how you'll be and you wouldn't want to let her down.

LittleDoe · 29/03/2011 21:10

No I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

You need to put yourself first in this situation - your friend might not have been pregnant before or have any kids but she should at least have some comprehension that life with a newborn is unpredictable and it's very unlikely you'll be able to do hair and make up for a wedding!

Having said that weddings are huge events in people's lives and it's normal for your friend to feel that she should put HERSELF first too.

We have a similar-ish issue in that my brother is getting married this summer - no kids allowed so we're not taking our nearly 2 year old DS but as it's a family wedding, ALL our babysitters are going to the wedding, including DH's sister! My brother isn't thinking of our babysitting dilemma in planning his wedding - why should he? But at the same time it's a complete pain in the backside for us!

COCKadoodledooo · 29/03/2011 21:13

No one can make you feel guilty. If you don't feel you can do it, don't do it, but feelings of guilt should play no part in that decision.

Her wedding is the most important thing in her life at the moment. Your pregnancy/dc is yours. Bet she's on a wedding forum somewhere bemoaning the fact her chum is "not showing any understanding to how I might be feeling....."

wobblyweeble82 · 29/03/2011 21:17

YANBU! I get that she's allowed to be a bit of a bridezilla but at a wedding is just one day, a baby is forever and all that jazz. Just explain to her that you simply have to put you and babbie first. If babbie comes bang on due date, I seriously doubt you'd be up to doing all the hair and make up. Even if babs comes early, I'd be majorly impressed if you pulled it off. My DH is being best man at a wedding for very good friends of ours 4 weeks after our DD is due so I completely get where you're coming from. In this instance, the bride is being super understanding - it's the groom who is throwing his toys out of the pram! Tsk. Just stick to your guns like everybody else is saying. And heck, you're pregnant - us preggo's get to say what we like and get away with it

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 29/03/2011 21:18

let her know nicely now you will not be able to help.

then wait a few years and if she has a child, she will no doubt say "god did i REALLY expect you to do hair and makeup for me with a tiny newborn? i must have been bridebonkers!!!" and then have a good laugh about it together. ah the wisdom of mother hindsight ...

AppleyEverAfter · 29/03/2011 21:33

Three of my guests got up the duff after we'd announced our wedding date and we still invited them all, even though they were due a few weeks before. And to the hen do (in UK). I just didn't want to not invite people in case they would be offended but totally understood when one didn't attend either event and one just the wedding. But I wouldn't have asked any of them to do any duties like the make-up, or made them feel bad for not coming!

bessie26 · 29/03/2011 21:41

YANBU, but as others have said she just doesn't realise (yet!) Just explain that you would hate to have to let her down at the last minute, so she needs to get someone else to do the hair & make-up.

Several of my friends were pg or had newborns in the run up to my wedding, so I had a variety of hen doos so that they could make one of them depending on their circumstances! (any excuse for an extra party! )

PenguinArmy · 29/03/2011 22:30

You can't do that stuff. I was still walking at a snails pace at 3 weeks. I wouldn't even commit 100% to going (only for service) let along doing any big jobs. For you all know you might have to have a CS.

I hope your friend understands

Flip

1 2