pregnancy / husband

[hmmmum]

hello i'm in my third trimester and feeling exhausted and hormonal. It feels like my husband just gets to carry on as normal because he is obviously not going through what I'm going through, but I suppose I feel a bit resentful and fed up and also quite alone. It doesn't feel like our baby but like my baby. i'm the one who gets to feel crap and go home early whenever we go out, while he is all carefree and nothing has changed for him. were your husbands /partners supportive and involved when you were pregnant or does that kick in more when the baby is actually born? i guess i just don't feel that supported right now and i feel like a mess. (although my husband does love me, i should point out. He's probably just not thinking).

Cast your mind back to friends when they were pg. I'm guessing you had a few private 'they should get a grip' thoughts? After all, pg is not an illness - it's perfectly natural, no?

I know how rubbish you can feel - I've been there 3 times and having #4 in July.

Even though they love you and care about you, men (and friends) can be a bit blind when it comes to pg, especially if you're not great at saying 'I need help'.

You're going to have to spell it out I think. But just be gentle. He probably has no idea how you're feeling so pick a nice calm time and go carefully or he'll feel side-swiped!

I'm 28 weeks with my first so no experience of coming out the other side, but I think it's probably completely normal to feel this way - it turns out it's not so easy being pregnant.

Button's right - I think your DH just needs a gentle slap reminder that you need a bit of extra TLC at the moment.

Mine is doing his level best to keep me sane and calm, but to be honest I think I'd still find something to have a go at the poor bloke about if he was a George Clooney lookalike who loved nothing more than cleaning, cooking and massaging my feet

I'm nearly ten weeks with our first and could have written your post OP. I'm trying not to let it get on top of me, and I've been very lucky in that I've had no MS, I'm just tired all the time and horribly uncomfortable due to dehydration/trapped wind/constipation. But that I can handle. The bit I can't handle is when he says things like "When this baby comes it doesn't have to be our whole lives, we have other things going on."

Well yes, that's fine for you to say, but this baby is already my entire life, everything I do I have to think through first and when it arrives I imagine that will get a thousand times worse.

I'm hoping that when there is actually a baby he will realise it's not some abstract concept, that we really have a little person to look after and that it will be the centre of his universe (I'm not vain enough to imagine I am, though some will say I should be) His dad is much the same, but was a very hands on, loving father, so I am hoping history will repeat itself!

I will finish with this was a very planned baby, and he can be lovely in some respects, I just don't think he sees the baby as a real thing yet, which I hope will change once we've had the scan. What is it they say? A woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant. A man becomes a father when he sees his child for the first time.

hmmmum While I bear the brunt of this pregnancy lark, I have a rule (a slightly flexible rule, because it has to be) about the need for my partner not to drink wine around me. It's a little red line that I've drawn, to take into account the sacrifices I'm having to make (ie no wine at all). I say this because I'm annoyed on your behalf at the idea of you having to go home from events early while he stays out. Oh my goodness, my partner would not get away with that one...

How about setting some little red lines/compromises of your own?

Your post sums it up well Toria. Until the baby is born, the father has no real concept of parenthood whereas you have this crushing responsibility coupled with crushing tiredness right from the moment you know.

Yes, the baby doesn't have to be your whole lives, you will still be you not just parents, but it will change your lives. And yours has changed now. His has not yet.

hmmmum, it's hard. I'm also in my third trimester. I am lucky enough to have a DH who frankly, is unbelievably good and supportive but I see a lot of people who's DH's simply don't think about it like mine does. I do think you have to tell him what you need and want. eg, on going out, I don't mind DH going out sometimes without me and we've agreed that I will skip certain events entirely rather than both of us being forced to leave early, but I would not like it if we went out and then I had to make my way home alone. Frankly, at the end of an evening is when I most need him as I'm my most knackered and tired and can barely manage the stairs at the train station.

My sister tends not to ask for help so her DH is oblivious to the fact that sometimes she'd love him just to sit her down, bring her a cup of tea and tell her he's going to do the washing up. so she's finally figuring out she has to spell it out for him, "I am tired. Please can you make me a cup of tea and then sort out the pig sty that is the kitchen while I watch America's Next Top Model".

hmmmum I think most of us in the 3rd trimester can relate to your post, i certainly can, 32+4 with DC1 and whilst DH is generally great, I still feel tired, hormonal and frustrated at times. For example DH is currently stripping wallpaper in what will be the babies room, however i had to stop getting tea ready to help find the scrapers and suggest that it might be an idea to move the chest of drawers full of clean baby clothes first. Why couldn't he just get on with it I don't know. My Dh had seemed a little indifferent until he came to mw with me last week, now its suddenly dawned on him its time to start getting busy, i guess everyone is different. Keep :) i'm sure he'll be a great dad when the time comes and if you need a little more support you may have to be direct and ask, men aren't mindreaders or even much good with subtle hints IMHO.

My DH is as supportive as I could ask anyone to be, but he still needs reminding sometimes. As it's not him physically going through it, he doesn't always understand. And to be honest, things change quite quickly. So a few weeks ago, we went for lovely long walks, but now I'm finding it hard just walking 10 minutes down the road. He doesn't know that unless I tell him.

Like BlingLoving - when it comes to evenings out, we try to talk about it and work out whether he'd be better off going by himself (especially if it's really his friends or his thing) or whether we should both go but for a limited time or whether neither of us should go.

I found it worse in the first trimester because the extreme tiredness took me very much by surprise and I found it quite overwhelming - I hadn't expected it at all, and neither had DH. Now at least there's a visual reminder (the bump) - and not just my tearstained face!

Every relationship is different (and it's our first, so can't say whether it's different after the birth), so not sure what best to advise hmmmum but for us, some straightforward communication helps a lot.

i am 39 weeks pregnant with my second and my first child has a different daddy that this one...i feel very very alone in this pregnancy...he has just got on with everything and hasnt really took time to think about what is going on with my body...he had a sore tooth and i had to run after him like he was a 3 year old child and i am just so tired this time and cant do that much now...he is amazing with my wee girl and i am now a little worried that he is going to treat the 2 of them very different and its making me nervous...i have talked to him about it time and time again and he would help me out a bit more for a day or 2 then go back to himself and when i say to him about ttreating the 2 kids different he tells me i am just being silly but it doesnt set my mind at rest and now i am at the end i am getting very scared about it all :( xxx

don't worry about things like "when it comes it won't take over our life". Neither of you yet has a clue how your baby will affect your life and it varies because all couples and all babies are different. You may find that after the immediate first weeks have passed you will have 4-5 months when you can almost carry on as before because tiny babies are portable, sleep a lot and don't move around. Once they start moving and being more aware of strange surroundings it gets harder but you'll have got used to the idea by then. If you exclusively BF it will make a difference too how free you can be and how much your DH can do. there are lots of variables but the key thing is not to have too fixed ideas and also talk to each other. He won't know unless you tell him.

Another third trimester-er here. DH has just got back from a week long ski trip...with MY mates! Six months ago I was very chilled about it all, but then as he went off (couple of days after my 34 week check) I was suddenyl less cool. I asked him not to spend the whole trip boozing and not going off piste...both of which he ignored. I went ape-sh*t one evening about making a few sacrifises (sp) and I won't forget the wimper that came from him "what's happpened? You used to be so chilled". I went mental.

The reality is that from day 1 it's infinitely more real for us. My DH sounds like an arsehole from above (he's not, really). I've found that as i've got bigger, more round and generally less mobile he's got so much more helpful. I am not backwards in coming forwards and simply ask him to do things. Helps that we have a cleaner that comes in every other week...but with washing/cooking etc I do what I can, then ask him to help. He knows that I don't take the p*ss and am not ordering him around just to be a madam, so gets on with it.

Keep him involved as much as poss - appointments, kicks, hiccups, random positions in tummy, NCT, books, MN (when I am not posting whinging posts about him!!).

xx

I think there's a Haynes guide sold in Jojo Maman Baby or somewhere that is a sort of manly guide for men to give them tips on baby care and pregnancy. Might be worth a go!

You can google it and buy it direct from Haynes actually! I've just checked.

The Haynes Baby Manual: Conception to Two Years [Hardcover]
Ian Banks

Ian Banks (Author)

I agree with all the other posters, but am still that he stays out without you when you go out! I am 34 weeks pregnant - and I think that it is the least he could do to show solidarity! give him a wedgie and chinese burn next time!

I recently got a very lovely "OK, now you're allowed to just sit there and do nothing". YIPEE!
This was at 35 weeks.

However, until now it was very much not understood that I needed help unless I said so - the first trimester was hardest as physically I looked the same but my LORD the tiredness! I was almost falling asleep behind the wheel so asked for DP to help out and he'd look at me and not understand AT ALL why I was asking! As far as he was concerned I was the free taxi as I couldn't drink anyway!

I agree that it takes a while for it to be real to some OHs - especially if it's the first.

Agree completely with NarcolepsyQueen! Chinese burns are the way forward!

I'm sure he's just a typical man and isn't thinking about things properly. If you're quite happily getting on with things as far as he can see, why would he think he needs to do anything different.

I'm still in my first trimester, and the exhaustion is incredible... I actually feel pathetic myself when I get home from work and curl up and snooze on the sofa. I have a hige pile of ironing that is never going to get done etc etc.

I expected my dh would just think I was being lazy and not take me seriously (as I am usually a bit of a hypercondriac! (sp)). And in all honestly i think the first few weeks he probably did, but then he started doing some reading and asking me what was on here, so I started sharing some other peoples posts with him, and we've done some reading about what to expect etc on line, and it's made him realise what I'm going through. It's really made it easier, he's suddenly started helping so much more, and doesn't complain when I want to go to bed at 9pm.

Another 3rd trimester-er here - 38 weeks with a 4 year old - DH has been less useful this time than last time just because he's been working for the last 4 months (I've just finished FT work) whereas last pregnancy he was home all the time. AND I've managed to be a good Mum, had to cook more etc. AND he's not pulling his weight with the housework despite me telling him I didn't intend to clean all maternity leave; I've asked for help; begged for help; got cross; got sulky - sorry, this isn't supportive to your post, but you're not alone and I needed to rant.

However,he was really useful the first 2 weeks after baby was born (although, off work all the time then, not so long this time, so watching this space with interest!)

Thoroughly recommend the Haynes Manual: OH loves it, has read it cover to cover and is pretty clued up now... :o

Yes, my DH was like this with DD1 and now again with DC2. My life has changed completely, but his continues as normal!

Buy your OH the 'Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy' and drop some hints about enjoying some couple time (cinema and meals out) before the baby arrives. And talk non-stop about baby stuff.

My DH is a great dad and got better once DD was born, but the reality remains that his life hasn't necessarily changed all that much.

My DH has been overheard saying to people that so far pregnancy has been easy. I had 2 months of keeping nothing down, tears about not knowing what I wanted to eat, lack of sleep, bleeding gums and ....flue. He gets home later than me by which time I am curled up on sofa and he feels that I spend most of my time there. I teach and am on my feet and 'cheerful' all bloomin day. I know he is great with the toddler age but wish he would do more around house without me having to ask especially as I normally do 90% anyway. Made my point by hiring a cleaner that he has to pay for. Thin k bloke based book sounds good. Sympathy to all those with lazy DH, annoying no matter how much we love them x

thanks so much everyone for your comments, i've finished work now which is a great help in terms of the exhaustion. was really nice just to hear about others' experiences - made me feel more normal...
MrsBloomingTroll i think you're right, although my DH is supportive of me, the fact is, his life hasn't changed that much yet. He also has quite a lot of pressure on in his life just now with work etc so I've been trying to support him in that; thankfully that's easing up now.
I don't think hormones/tiredness help much in my perspective of things. but things going ok now and we have been doing lots of nice things together as a couple recently - 37 weeks now so not long!
Thank you for the book reccommendation designergirl, will definitely check that out :)

My hubby has been great but at a wedding do yesterday (his friends wedding) he abandoned me leaving me feeling like...well a spare part at a wedding! Was most annoying as may as well not have been with him (should add that he would be screwing if I did that at my mates wedding preg or not!) I get that it's not easy being the other half and not actually being involved.

He is great normally but I had the sudden realisation of what things I'll be like socially once we are three...

I met lots of preg women there tho and made me realise how little he knows about pregnancy, birth and babies and think now he needs to start learning on order to be some sort of useful support when baby does arrive.

Theres a Haynes manual??? [ shuts down mums net sharpish and slopes off to amazon]

I got the haynes manual for my DH for his birthday 2 weeks ago! He thought it was brilliant! (Though don't think he's quite got round to reading it yet though!)

DH useless pile of poop. But great with DS1. And occaisionally me. Hormones. Bother.