Am I being unreasonable to boyfriends family?

[marie14]

I'm 20 weeks and have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years.
He's amazing and all his family are really supportive, BUT I just feel like they're really interfering.

His mum dad and older sister have already arranged so they're going to be able to look after the baby 3 days a week when i go back to uni. I'm not sure if i want them to, although it's better being with family, i'd rather he/she went to a stable childminder, having the same people every day rather than being muddled about.

My own mum said she wishes she had that level of help with her kids, but I just feel so protective of him/her!

I told my boyfriend i didn't want them all at the hospital and they had to wait until we were home for a day and i'd recovered (if i've just had stitches in my bits and been awake for two days i don't want to be polite to the inlaws). He's really offended since I don't mind having my family come to the hospital. But i've only met them over formal dinners and family parties over the past year, and it's a bit different my relationship with my own sister and mum and his.

I just feel really resentful towards them as i've had a few rows with his mum and sister and i obviously don't want to stop my child seeing his/her family, but while it's me in control should i be more chilled out as it's upsetting my other half how much i don't want them involved right away? Does anyone else feel like this?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

The childcare thing I understand, you need to do what is right for you and not be pushed by them, kind though the offer is.

You can't ban them from the hospital though, you really can't. The baby is as close a relation to your inlaws as it is to your Mum and sister.
You have 4 months before your baby is born to get to know them less formally - these people are going to be in your life forever now and to try and keep them at arms length is of course not fair on your OH.

No advice really other than do what you feel is right. I'm with you on the hospital front, I'm happy for my mum and dad, brother and his GF to come to the hospital but DO NOT want inlaws there until I'm home.

It will prob cause friction but I'm sure that will vanish when they see baby :)

I am with you on this, but I am married so a little different. Im going to be a SAHM mum which is alittle different to your situ but I totally feel for you on not having the in laws at the hospital, especially if you dont get on too well.
I think maybe you should have another talk with your fella and esplain how you feel about the childminding aspect, maybe explain that the child will get more interation with other children be more social which is good for development. Also learn to share and make friends very early.

I think its better to get him to come round to your way of thinking and then he can explain it to his mum and sister, maybe explaining that you are getting very stressed about it all and he wants to keep you calm.

I sometimes wish I didnt have to get along with my in laws, wish sometimes my DH would hate them and disown them so I would only have to deal with my parents, who are supportive but not overdemanding like his Mother!

I sometimes wish I didnt have to get along with my in laws, wish sometimes my DH would hate them and disown them so I would only have to deal with my parents, who are supportive but not overdemanding like his Mother!

Haha I could have written that it's got worse since I got pregnant too...

I'd advise you to tread carefully. Having a baby is such an emotional thing for a woman and having people you're not completely comfortable with pushing into your hospital room and home within hours/days of giving birth can feel very awkward. Believe me, I know. I'm not close to my in-laws either. But you have to take a deep breath and try to see things a bit from their perspective too. This is your baby, but it's also their grandchild/niece/nephew and they're probably really excited. Do try not to alienate them (and your DP), too much over this. TBH, they'll probably all bugger off once they've cooed over the baby and leave you in peace, which might be easier than fighting them off for days on end.

After my DS was born my in-laws came to see us in the hospital and I had to bite my tongue while they cooed over him, took umpteen photos (most of them excluding me, but featuring them and my DH), but once the initial novelty had worn off and they saw that he just slept most of the time they left us largely alone after that.

As for the childcare issue, stand your ground. This is your child and his care arrangements are yours to make.

just smile politely re the childcare - the baby isn't here yet so you've got a good while to go before you need to worry about that

your DP is likely to feel a bit hurt if you're vehemently against his side of the family coming to the hospital but it's ok for yours. however, you might find you're not in hospital long enough for anyone to visit anyway.

i'd chill out about it all for the moment. the ILs are understandably excited but what they say now and what will actually happen may well be very different!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Don't make any decisions now about childcare, you might find you feel quite differently after a few months. If you are student, can you afford to look a gift horse in the mouth over that one? & I would stick for having short visits enforced at the hospital rather than excluding one half of the family.

I'm afraid I don't really have much advice, but maybe check out how long your stay in hospital might be.

My local MW led unit keeps women in for at 2 - 3 nights and positively encourages visitors on the basis that they can then make the tea/look after the in-laws etc, and then when you get home you can have some piece and quiet with just the three of you.

May be worth a thought...

The childcare issue is for you and your OH to work through between you.

However, you simply can't treat his folks and your folks differently IMO. I've never been in hospital long enough to have people visit me there but I would never have banned half of the family.

Please be very careful about how you deal with this. You're setting yourself up for a number 1 granny, number 2 granny situation which will most likely end in tears.

Oops. Posted too soon.

My point is, you can't have different levels of grannyness. They are all your baby's family and should have the same access to your baby.

Preferably accompanied by lots of cake and tea making offers

I think it's rather early to be making childcare arrangements - can you welcome their interest, but tell them that "we won't be making any decisions until nearer the time" (the "we" is important here, as you need to get DP saying the same thing).

I think it's entirely reasonable to want only your Mum in hospital, as that relationship is always so different to that with even the nicest in-laws. You don't know what the birth will be like, or how you'll feel (physically or emotionally). But if your wider family come, then his family should have the same opportunity. And I do think GPs should be able to see the baby as soon as possible once you're home. Have DP to do all the hosting, and retire to bed if you're overwhelmed.

I'd just like to stick my oar in and say i know how you feel -

But i've learnt over the years that dealing with inlaws verses partner is a very careful balencing act. In my experience a bloke will often clearly be able to see when and how his family is being a pain in the ar**, but wont admit if YOU say it! He will jump in and defend them and then it comes between you two. Careful manipulation of the conversation gets them to admit it first...

Sometimes you have to let them think it's their idea that it would be better for you to be a. left in peace at the hospital. b. given a bit of space once you're home ect.

Mind games i know - but it helps. If you can, when you're both relaxed, ask him what he thinks about how you're going to cope/feel in hospital and newly home (tired, sore, tearful even) and try to get him to be the one who volunteers that you're not going to be feeling sociable, and would be better with only your closest family around.

You may even have to say you don't want anyone but him at the hospital.

Same method goes for the child care thing realy. But worry about that a little nearer the time - don't try to tackle everthing now.

I hope you can get what i'm trying to say!
Good luck xx

With DD my parents came and DH's parents were waiting when we got home they came bearing grub so were more than welcome .

With DS I had an EMCS and my MIL wanted to pop in and see him and me and give me some marks and spencers jammies she had got me.

I have a very good relationship with my inlaws so am not in your situation.

Just remember what your family will be feeling will be the same as your partners family. So imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

Going to be the odd one out here and disagree with most of the previous posters.

I think you might be being slightly unreasonable about the childcare - do you know what a fantastic offer this is? Childcare costs a fortune and they're offering to do it for free for 3 days a week when you want to go back to uni. I'm kinda jealous. It is such a long way off too that getting all worked up about it now and burning bridges is a really bad idea. They are at the end of the day only looking out for you and LO. I would also think that family would be a better choice than any "stable childminder" as they view your LO more than just a source of income.

I don't however think you are unreasonable to ask them not to come to the hospital. My parents are coming down to visit me the weekend after the baby comes for 3 days, my OH's parents are coming down either the weekend after or the weekend after that. My parents get priority since I'm the one giving birth, I'm the one who is going to be establishing breastfeeding and sat around recovering in my PJs without having bothered to have a shower that day - this is something I am ok with my family seeing but not something I want his family to see. Remember, your family are coming to see how mum and baby are doing, his are only coming to see the baby with little interest in you - talk to your OH and explain this and maybe he'll see your point of view. I would say though to not upset his family limit your visitors to your mum and dad only in the hospital rather than the whole family.

My advice would be - just take things slowly. Around 20 weeks, you're starting to get a nice bump and the families start getting a bit overexcited!

As your pregnancy progresses, everyone will adjust and start to mellow. And nobody knows how you/they will feel after the baby.

I suggest that you don't worry too much at the moment, and just politely stall by saying something along the lines of 'oh, what a wonderful and generous offer. I'm thrilled to have such support. Let's play it by ear and see what happens'

I've already said the first visitors I'm having is my mum and she's bringing my son with her, and my dad if he's on the right shift at work. The next day then the inlaws can visit when I'm up and washed and dressed :) I'm not happy for them to see me looking shockingly poop.

I had poop last time when I had twins and I banned all visitors from scbu and the inlaws weren't happy in the slightest but I wasn't happy for people to see my babies as they were in there ( they had seen them once or twice but then things went a bit wrong) she still throws that in my face when she's pissed which isn't fair!!

There have been loads of MIL/PIL threads of this type over the past few months, so you are not alone in this!

For what it's worth, I wanted to see my family first but MIL insisted on having the first visit.

Is there any chance you can ban all visitors from the hospital? Hospitals are quite strict on visitors anyway. The one I'm going to this time said they would prefer it if no one visited (except the partner) and they just left the new mum alone to establish bf. Is there any way you can say your scan has changed or been vague about your due date?

We didn't have any visitors at the hospital and I stayed for two nights, which was great. I was able to stay in my PJs and didn't have to think about meals or what I looked like.

Whatever happens, do NOT have your in-laws to visit on day 3, which is when the milk comes in (v. sore boobs) the adrenalin wears off and the hormones hit.

As for childcare, I would say that you need to stand firm on this and get your DP on side sooner rather than later, or your in-laws will be running your life and taking over everything...

I completely understand where you are coming from, my MIL and SIL are very interfering and the worst thing is the emotional abuse they give DP. I have made decisions regarding my body but included DP in making baby based decisions ie. "of course they can come and visit but if I need to feed the baby I don't want them there". or "We'll let them know when they can come in just incase I have stitches and need to recover."

DP understands this more than me barking a whole load of rules at him, it also means that he helped make these rules and will defend them to his family. I hope that helps. Just try to remember that it's your body, your baby and a very emotional time.

Having visitors in hosp might not be as bad as you think as IME everybody is so wrapped up in seeing the baby they don't really notice what I am doing, might be a good time to go for a bath or something while they do a bit of bonding too?

Agree with everyone about the childcare - leave it a bit and see how you feel. Personally I would be stoked that close family want to be so involved AND save you money.

Totally with you on the hospital issue. I want to see my ILs on my own turf, in my own time, when I am comfortable. I like my ILs and they are sensible, nice people so hopefully they will respect my decision (am 24 weeks atm). If you don't want them there it is YOUR perogative, not your husband's or your MIL's!

That said, I have told them my due date is two weeks after it actually is ...

YABU

I totally understand how you feel. my MIL is the most interfering person i have ever met. Worst thing is she lives with us. When i was pg with my DD, we didnt want to tell her until 12 weeks but she found out because she opened my post (!) which was a letter from midwife. A week after she found out, she had bought all the furniture for nursery without even asking us what we wanted.
It was the same all throughout pregnancy and i bit my tongue through it all. She arranged to have 2 weeks off work after baby was born "because we wouldnt possibly be able to cope". She even turned up at the birth! It makes me cringe that she has seen me at my most vulnerable and not to mention that she has seen my bits!!!!
It is worse now baby is a year old and i am 7 months pg with my second.
Dont do what i did and bite your tongue - speak up now. It will avoid awkwardness later on and everyone will know where they stand.

I dont think your being unreasonable at all. You should get childcare from who ever you feel comfortable with.
I always said that my in laws would have to wait until me and baby got out of hospital to visit. I ended up having a home birth. She would walk in when i was (trying) to breast feed.
Please dont bite your tongue like i have. It makes your life a misery. Speak up now!!! and good luck!!!

I was delighted to have visitors in hospital - I was there four days. I think even the postman would have been welcome. No one is going to see your bits, they're not interested in you anyway, they're interested in the baby.

And I agree that three days a week of free childcare is an absolute gift. They clearly want to be really involved in your child's life and I think I'd welcome that.

I think YABU.

I wish my in laws would be a bit more involved (for ds's sake) but that's another post altogether.

However, you post really struck a cord with me. A new baby is exciting for the whole family. And now they are your family too, and will be involved with your ds forever. Maybe they are trying to make up for past bad feeling by getting involved? But more to the point, I would be devastated if in the future my ds has a baby with someone who acts in the way you are. They will love your baby as much as your parents and I really hate this attitude that the father's family come second best. Your child will eventually pick up on your attitude and I doubt it will go down well with them (my DM always hated/still hates her in laws and I don't look kindly on her for it, despite us having a fab relationship, I think she should have hidden it from us - makes things awkward - they are my grandparents and I love them). Your ds/dd will love his/her GPs and you have to accept that.

Perhaps think about how you would feel if you have a ds and your ds's partner doesn't want you around?

However, for the childcare you must do what you think is right - that is important. You must be happy with what happens when you aren't there, and it's a much bigger deal that when they come to the hospital or see you at home.

Pick your battles (if they have to be battles at all) and give your in laws some leeway. They only want to love this child. Please don't create more friction before the baby is even born.