Am I being unreasonable to boyfriends family?

[marie14]

I'm 20 weeks and have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years.
He's amazing and all his family are really supportive, BUT I just feel like they're really interfering.

His mum dad and older sister have already arranged so they're going to be able to look after the baby 3 days a week when i go back to uni. I'm not sure if i want them to, although it's better being with family, i'd rather he/she went to a stable childminder, having the same people every day rather than being muddled about.

My own mum said she wishes she had that level of help with her kids, but I just feel so protective of him/her!

I told my boyfriend i didn't want them all at the hospital and they had to wait until we were home for a day and i'd recovered (if i've just had stitches in my bits and been awake for two days i don't want to be polite to the inlaws). He's really offended since I don't mind having my family come to the hospital. But i've only met them over formal dinners and family parties over the past year, and it's a bit different my relationship with my own sister and mum and his.

I just feel really resentful towards them as i've had a few rows with his mum and sister and i obviously don't want to stop my child seeing his/her family, but while it's me in control should i be more chilled out as it's upsetting my other half how much i don't want them involved right away? Does anyone else feel like this?

This thread is so depressing. Why do people have such a horrid attitude to their inlaws?

If they are awful people then that is one thing, but if they are 'sensible, nice people' then surely the best way to break that relationship is to keep them at arms length once there is a baby on the way and treat them as a second class family.

I agree with pirate - if my DS marries someone like many of you on this thread I will be absolutely devastated, it would break my heart. Those of you expecting boys or planning future babies that could well be boys just think about it for a moment.

I think that you're being a bit unreasonable over the issue of letting your family visit you in hospital but not the in-laws. I think that to save arguments you should consider banning all visitors from hospital but sending out picture images to allow everyone to feel included.

And while I too am envious at the offer of free childcare, I do take your point about it being an example of interference. It sounds like a very generous offer, but that they're going about it in the wrong way and it comes across as patronising and controlling of you.

I would recommend too that you spend the next few months getting to know them much closer. It's going to be easier to overcome the little irritations now than if you wait until you're sleep deprived.

I think you really have to do what you feel is right for you at the hospital, its going to be hectic as it is even without having to worry about family 'politics'.

I understand what you mean about the uni situation. I was in a similar position where the inlaws came to look after my newborn over a 2 week revision period and everyone said how lucky i was to have them 'help' however for me it was the most stressful time as they didn't know how to look after LO, not even change nappies/make infant formula/wash bottles properly etc despite having been taken through it all and insisting that they knew how to do everything. and they couldn't settle LO and LO wasn't happy with them. so i wasn't able to concentrate on studying and ended up having to do everything as well as sorting out things which weren't done properly and entertain the inlaws. So they didn't really 'help'. But that may have just been them. It may have been ok if they were able to look after LO to a decent standard. So for me a childminder may have been better.
It is definitely important to be comfortable with who you leave your baby with as leaving them will be difficult and you don't want to be worrying during the time you leave them.

However i agree you dont need to worry about it now. when the time comes you'll know what the right thing to do is and what is best for LO. you don't want to burn any bridges now, i agree that maybe trying to get to know them and seeing if that works out before the baby is born, may be a good idea.

Good luck

I get on incredibly well with my MIL but I wouldn;t have wanted her at the hospital when I was in with DS. Its not just about them seeing the baby, you will be there too, in nightclothes, in who knows what kind of state (sorry) and if you are not close why would you want anyone there who you weren't VERY comfortable with. Your DP could easily send them photos or even skype call so they can see the baby live if they are that desperate. A compromise might be that they come on the condition that if they turn up when you are feeding or something that they wait elsewhere until you are sorted. As to the childcare, its a long way off yet, so maybe you could (with your DPs help) try and put them off setting anything in stone yet until you've explored the options. It doesn't always come down to money.

If as you say, your BFs family have been supportive and are normally decent people, then I too think you are being unreasonable.

With regards to childcare, I agree that they should not have even thought about it without consulting you. However don't cut your nose off to sp0ite your face. Childcare is very expensive and this could be great for all of you, you could trust them 100% with your child, plus save money, plus they can develop a good relationship with their DGC / DN.

I agree with others that your child would mean equally the same to both your family and your BFs family and both sides should be treated similarly. I understamd how uncomfortable you might feel with them seeing you in a ?not so perfect? state however I think its mean for you to withhold their new grandchild from them but not your mum. This is bound to upset them and rightly so.
I had an EMCS late at night and the next day my in laws (who I really don't have much time for) managed to visit a couple of hours earlier than my own parents. I think DH loved showing off his DD as much to both sets of parents and I do think you need to take your BFs feelings into consideration a bit more.

Oddly enough, there are lots of people here saying 'I wouldn't want DH/DP family to see me in pjs looking a bit ropey'. Have you never stayed over at their house? Not trying to be funny, just wondering!

My in laws have never been to see a baby of ours earlier than about 3/4 days and I look pretty damn good after delivery, if I say so myself - think the hormones must be rushing about! However, they've seen me in pjs, seen me with a hangover, seen me with a tummy bug, in agony with spd, all sorts of situations really. So them seeing me trying to get feeding established or looking tired bothers me not in the least.

And I agree wholeheartedly with a couple of posters further up. I have both sons and daughters. I would hate another woman to feel pushed out of my dds dcs lives because I was granny no 1 and I would be devastated if I was relegated to granny no 2 because I was ds's mum not my dgc mum's mum. If that makes sense?

Perhaps the real thing here is I refuse to overthink things. I don't have rules like who gets to visit when or where or for how long. I go with the flow and end up, generally, being happy with how that flow goes. My current concerns, at 21wks, are not what will happen in 19 or so weeks time but who is watching dd at the dance festival tomorrow night? Will DH get home in time to pick ds up from school so I can go to my obs appointment tomorrow? Are we still going out with friends on Saturday.

Ladies - live for the moment.

I find it incredibly sad that people are worrying about how they "look" after birth and inlaws seeing it - so effectively banning them from coming to see their new grandchild. The baby is as much your partners as yours (ok the woman gives birth - but 50% genetically your partners all the same!)

What gives the Mums parents more "right" to see the new baby than the fathers, really really sad. For all the people agreeing with the OP can you imagine yourself pregnant and your partner telling you that their parents are coming to the hospital but yours arent allowed?

You risk starting resentments in the family that can have lasting effects. This is your partners parents, regardless of how you feel about them and are as related to the baby as your parents.

Do what you feel is best - you know the people involved and random people from the internet don't.

Personally, I feel the same about visitors. I think that anyone who states when they're visiting rather than asks when suits is being cheeky. I have told my mum that we'll wait and see when we're ready for visitors, no-one should plan a hospital visit or to visit on day x at home or whatever. She's fine with this, OH agrees but doesn't want to tell his family. (They have become quite overbearing during the pg, I think because until now, nothing I did or didn't do really affected them. It's clear they now see me as the incubator for the next generation and that has changed things a lot. They feel it's appropriate to say a lot of quite odd things now.)

Back to you. Without being pessimistic, you don't know how long you'll be in hospital for, what will have happened and how you'll feel either in hospital or at home. Friends of mine have had a euphoric surge post-birth then crashed in the first few days, this is supposedly normal. Also, if you plan to breastfeed, an overstimulated baby may have more problems latching on.

Also as a point of principle, i think that during your pregnancy is a great time of adjustment and these conversations with your partner are key to deciding what's best for you as a family and promoting a united front to the extended family. Decide what suits you and stick to it. Unless you're happy for your inlaws to choose the baby's name

Good luck

my own mother doesnt want to be at the hospital, let alone the MIL! but then I depend how long you end up staying in after, but if I had to decide now I would say no visitors.

Perhaps now would be the ideal opportunity to get to know them better, before the baby is born? You can chat about your expectations for it and what you want, all they really want is to be involved and you will have to get to know them at some point x

I'm only a few weeks pregnant with my first, so haven't been through this yet, but why don't you just not decide now.
Chances are you don't know when you're going to go into labour, so for all you know it could happen late at night. In which case you won't have to tell any one until a decent time the following morning. By which point you may know that you'll be home in a few hours, and DH can ring everyone and tell them to wait till you get home! Or you may end up staying in, in which case you can deal with it then.
Who's to know how DH will feel when the baby comes, he may want it to be just the three of you for a while too!
IMO, there are enough things to worry about being pg (nervous first timer talking here!) so leave things like this to sort themselves out. As I say, it may not even end up being an issue!
Good Luck!

Oh yes - definately don't tell parents or in laws when you go into labour.We didn't for the first two (spontaneous) but did for the last one (early induction). Cue very very anxious g'parents. And that was only a day.

My sis was in labour for nearly 2 days and my poor mum and dad were nearly white with worry when it was over.

Also, if anyone has a potential tendancy to just turn up at the hospital (which is something I'm not in favour of BTW) it can help to avoid that.

Besides, it then spoils the whole moment with DH being able to ring people up and surprise them with the lovely news that baby is here and all is well. One memorable time, my dad was on the loo . My sister was in Tesco and shouted it out to the whole shop

Why are you making hospital visit plans 20 weeks before the baby is due??

You might have a horrible delivery, be in pain, be hooked up to a bag that's draining out your urine, be struggling to establish breastfeeding, be in shock.

Then again, you may well have a great delivery, feel on top of the world, and want to show off the baby to all the world.

Tell your DP that no one is invited to visit until after the birth, at which point YOU will decide who can visit and then he can phone the interested parties and tell them what the score is. Trust me, after he's been standing in blood and shit and seen up close and personal what you've been through, he will quickly agree that it's YOUR call!!

And newgolddream, seriously, do you not understand why a person who has just been through the most physically traumatic experience of their lives might want to see their own Mummy, but not someone else's??

I think any in-laws who insist on seeing the baby within moments of birth, regardless of the Mum's feelings and physical condition, are setting themselves up for a lot of bad blood in the future relationship. It's deeply insensitive. After all, OP isn't suggesting she doesn't want in-laws to visit the baby, she's just not sure she wants them to visit on the first day.

My own MIL understood that perfectly, having had 5 of her own, and was quite happy to wait until the baby came home before visiting DC1. The next two were such easy births should could have delivered them herself if she wanted to! But the first... no way, only my Mum, thank you.

Why can't the father's parents come to the hospital an see any of your babies? My MIL was in theatre with me for my section & her husband & daughter were my first visitors to the hospital (within an hour or so of birth, as they were babysitting dd1, who wanted to come down asap).

Why is it OK to include the mothers parents, but not the father's? That's just ridiculous that you want to shut out an important part of the baby's family!

I had c-sections with bot of my children and I would have loved to have had lots more visitors because I was very bored and isolated (and hungry!). Most visitors don't stay very long and it's much less trouble having someone pop in for half an hour with presents than visit you at home and need cups of tea etc.

However that was me, and we all have different experiences and wishes. I endorse other peoples comments that this is much too soon to be planning hospital visits. Who knows how things will go or how you will feel (I didn't even expect to be in hospital).

Of course your relationship with your ILs is different to your relationship with your own family, but your child is joining both families, your partner is becoming a father and his family is probably as important to him as your are to you.

In laws should not insist, I agree, but it's also traumatic for the father. They get so ignored in all of this, it can be unfair on them.

After sisIL had her baby, we were the first 'on the scene' and saw them within 20 hours, in hospital, in the obs ward as she was too unwell to be moved.

We then spent the evening with her DH in tears as he'd seen things most people don't see. Might he not want his 'mummy' for a bit of support too?

I think also we downplay the instinctive and primitive urge on a father's part to show off 'his' child - think Lion King

Yanbu. But you've got months to sort out the childcare issues.

Definately yanbu about the hospital visits. IME it is not nice to be gawped at when you're in pain, bleeding and tired. I did manage to keep XP's family away for 2 weeks after DC2, it made recovery easier TBH.

Agree with many other people - far too early to be making plans (outwardly) about childcare or hospital visits. I think I'd be saying "really don't know how I'm going to feel about any of this, let's keep an open mind and see how it goes at the time"

And newgolddream, seriously, do you not understand why a person who has just been through the most physically traumatic experience of their lives might want to see their own Mummy, but not someone else's??

But its not just "someone elses Mummy" is it - its the babys fathers Mum - dont you think he might want his own Mum there? Or are some woman just so uninterested they want to exclude the fathers family from the start, thus creating Granny 1 ....and the other one type scenario? OP mentioned that her DP was offended - and I can see why!

Sorry to me its just another example of Fathers side if the fmaily being treated a second best. I had a horrendous emergency c section with DS3, wound infected, apgar score 3, loads trauma - but I would have welcomed my MIL with open arms if she had came to see her new grandson, I couldnt care less how bad I looked or how much in pain I was - because it would have meant so much to my DH. But she didnt bother.

It depends on the relationships - my MIL wouldn't have a nurturing or thoughtful instinct towards me (and yes, tbh, after giving birth, I am the most important person around so what I say/want goes, I try to be tactful about how I express myself!!) but I know plenty of people who are closer to their MILs than their own mothers. My Mum died when I was 12, I'd love to have had some maternal support, but only from someone who was prepared to put my needs and wishes first.

I agree with pirate - think about how you would feel as a MIL.

I have issues with my MIL like most people, and I identify with what you are saying about the visiting in hospital after the birth. I had said before I had DD that I wouldn't know how I felt afterwards, and that we would let them know when we were ready for parents/PIL. As it turned out, I was so elated and on such a high after the birth that I let them come to the hospital after I'd had a shower and cleaned up. I had been really stressed about being invaded by visitors, and I explained to my DH that it was really making me upset and worried, which is not what you need when heavily pregnant...and he understood as he could see how upset it was making me and therefore fought my corner.
We told them they could only stay 20 minutes, which was fine by them, and you can always say to the midwives that you'd like them to be asked to leave after a certain time. Then they will have visited and seen the baby, but you won't have to have them hanging around if you don't want them to.

I do and did stress out about MIL taking over and thinking she knew best etc....but tbh I can see now that she is just so happy to be a grandma and loves DD so much, that I would be a really horrible person if I took that away from either of them.

As for the childcare issue - do whatever you feel is right for your DC - but I do agree with some posters that you are very lucky to have them offer to help you out.

Why is the father's family less important than the mother's? I hate this attitude that the paternal side of the family are second class citizens and its all about the mother and her wishes.
Just because you are giving birth to the baby doesn't make him/her all yours? Your DH and his family are just as related to your baby as you and your family are and are entitled to an equal relationship.

i think it depends on the relationship you have with inlaws. i'm lucky in that my inlaws treat me like another daughter and have the care and respect for me as they'd have for their own so ofcourse they have an 'equal' relationship, as they feel like another set of parents.

however i do know that my sister hasn't been so lucky and quite few friends of mine aren't either so i can see how unhappy it is for some people. her inlaws are interfering and just treated her like a vessel for carrying their Grandchild when she was pregnant. they had no regard for how she was, how she was feeling etc (not even ask) and she was always blanked in conversation. yes, my sister is a shy person but doesn't mean she needs to be blanked. her inlaws would make decisions for them and her husband would never speak up. so in her case it was and still is very difficult for her to regard her inlaws in the same way as our parents as they just don't care for her (as your own parents do) and she is 'envious' (if you'd like to use the word!) of people with good relationships with inlaws as she has tried to have that and tried with hers but they just treat her like a 2nd class citizen as though she isn't there.

It is very much a 2 way street, for them to treat you well and for you to treat them well. If that is possible.

At the end of it though, you do have to go with what you think is best and your own judgement.

I would say wait and see how you feel about both issues. On the visiting in hospital, i think it is a bit harsh to exclude them unless you are literally in and out. It is a unique situation and they could be really hurt - its also not fair on your DP. I have a pretty formal relationship with my inlaws; they came to the hospital and it was fine - it wasn't intrusive at all and it just felt right to have them there admiring DS - they didn't comment on how rough I looked (and I still had a catheter in!)- and tbh I don't think they cared. Visiting in the hospital is actually quite a formal situation- there is a limit on how long they can stay and how much they can interfere so it is actually quite a good place to have the first visit- then they might give you more space at home.

Everyone has their own opinion - but one thing seems true after seeing this thread: this issue throws up strong reactions in every woman who has had, or is about to have a baby. I'm sure the original OP has given up reading this thread! lol

I may as well put my bit in too -

I think of course when it comes to baby, both sets of grandparents have 'equal rights'.

When it comes to the mother of the baby - her needs come FIRST. If mother isn't happy - baby may suffer.

The first hours after baby is born is about mother and child. NOT nursing the feelings of relatives. If the babys mum wants her mum and no one else for a couple of days this is fine. If, for some reason, she only wants the avon lady there that should be fine too!!!

She is the one has given birth and everyone else are presumably able to act like adults and wait till the moment is right. Who ever they are....