Home birth - am I being unfair?

[F1rstT1meMummy]

Hi All

Ok a little about me....without sounding like a head case and thanks for your patience if you get to the end!

I am 25 weeks pregnant and really want a homebirth. Since finding out I am pg I have been PETRIFIED about giving birth, for a number of reasons but I suppose there are two main factors.

• Firstly, I am very squeamish and don't like anything medical related ? i have been known to pass out on hearing peoples medical stories. Linked to this, is a completely irrational ?fear? of hospitals. If I make it to visit people, I sit there, cannot look at anything medical like things that are used for drips etc and end up waiting outside until the other people I go with are ready. I even faint at the sight of a needle, let alone having blood taken.
• Secondly, I have a thing about cleanliness in public places!! For example, when I visit people in hospitals, I reluctantly sit down and if I do, when I get home, I take everything off at the washing machine and have a shower. I cannot/will not sit down on public toilets, wait for someone to come in so I don't have to touch the door handle after i have washed my hands etc and always have anti bac hand gel on me, I even used to have a shower when I have been on public transport/the tube (but this got a little tiresome when I was travelling so much with work and having 18 hour days)! Having said that, my home is far from immaculate, and we have a dog, which has meant I have had to curb the hand washing. It is only in public places, and some peoples houses.

I really wanted a home birth, but hubby doesnt want me to, and after doing a lot of research, felt that hypno birthing would really help me. So, I persuaded hubby that if we paid for a course of hypnobirthing, I would go to hospital!! The hypnobirthing has been AMAZING ? the first fear, of giving birth, tearing etc doesnt bother me know, in fact I am ready to take on the ?challenge?, and feel I completely understand the whole process now ? its a complete turnaround to where I was before.

However, it hasnt helped with the ?fear? of the cleanliness in hospital. Plus I want a waterbirth, which i know isnt guaranteed at home. The thought of having to share a toilet, bath, shower etc is horrendous.

I have said to hubby I want a home birth, and he is adament he wants me to go into hospital for a number of reasons, and I think he is a little frustrated I have gone back on the deal with the hypnobirthing (which i had no intention to do at all, and I can completely see his frustration ? he probably feels like i manipulated him, but that wasnt what I wanted). The reasons being:

• We have an ?open house? policy, ie, no one has to call to pop round, if the cars are home, then you are more than welcome to pop in for a cuppa! Hubby is worried someone will turn up (most llikely one of his mates that has the impecable timing!).
• My mum lives around the corner and she has already dropped hints about being at the birth (which so far I have just ignored). Hubby is worried she will come around.
• He said he wants it just be us, and for him not to have to deal with people turning up ? he wants to be there for me 100%, and for him to have to deal with that will just cause him to stress.
• He is also not in agreement with the homebirth camp anyway, and wants me to be in hospital in case I/baby needs medical attention.

I am now really stuck, I cannot see him budging, but I really don't want to go into hospital unless I really have to. I?d rather be at home, where I can be more relaxed and not have to worry about walking bare foot anywhere, or sitting on the toilet etc. I just worry I am working so hard with the hypnobirthing that when i go in to the hospital and see any dirt/blood/stains etc I will lose the plot!!!

I just don't know what to do ? For weeks I have been grinding my teeth, something I do when I am mega stressed, and the only thing I can put it down to is this. Work is not busy ? far from it which is my other usual stress factor.

Is there anything you lovely ladies can suggest? Any thoughts would be gratefully received!

Thanks again if you got to the end!!

If his main worry is people coming round can you not just operate a closed house from week 37 of preg onwards? And tell your mum that you'd rather she wasn't there?

Homebirth is statistically safer for low risk women so it's worth looking at that angle with him.

You're the one who has to do the actual giving birth so I think it's more important he puts any irrational fears aside so you can be totally comfortable. Although it's worth thinking about how you will cope in the event that things don't go to plan, I've had 2 planned homebirths and ended up in hospital twice so I'd suggest doing whatever you need to to try and get over the hospital/cleanliness issues just in case!

We went to a homebirth presentation at our local hospital (Leeds) and this really helped DH get some reassurance. It might be worth finding out if your hospital offers anything similar.

Thanks both. i think I agree, the people dropping by is just a cover and a load of crap! We have managed 5 weeks of hypnobirthing sessions, and i plucked up the courage to say to my mum not to come round, and the only one call we had was his brother in law - if all else fails i said we could unplug the phone!

bhtb - we live about 20 mins from the hospital, but if it was quiet it can be done in 15 minutes and 30 minutes at peak times.

spingsniffle - good point about having to go to hospital, i do think, and this may sound stupid, if i HAD to go there, I would cope. But I keep thinking why should I when I can have the baby at home!!

Is there a midwife-led birthing centre near you? Might suit you both as a middle ground as they tend to be 'home away from home'. From personal experience would be worth investigating, even if it means a longer travel time to get there.

See if there is a local homebirth support group you can go to so he can meet other couples that have had their babies at home etc
Will he read? Try getting him the fathers homebirth handbook to read.
S x

Hi, I wanted a home birth as work in the hospital near me and didn't want to have my baby there due to privacy! Where I live my midwives allowed me to hire a birthing pool which I had in the house from 36 wk, and the midwives brought all the other equipment to my house that me or the baby would have needed. Including pethidine and 4 huge bottles of gas and air! I was able to labour for 40 hr at home, and then as I wasn't dilating had to go into hospital. The transfer was very calm and the home midwives were great. I had water broken in hosp and 4 hr later dd was born. As I was set up for a home birth I was then allowed to go home 4 hr later as the community midwives were already set up to look after me. I found it great to be at home, and when things didn't go according to plan the hospital ended up being great. Have you discussed it with your midwife? Can you hire a birth pool? You need to do what you feel comfortable with as you are the one who is going to have this baby. Keep talking to dh and let him know exactly how you feel, and see if you can maybe compromise?

i think this is one area where i would say that you need to put your foot down and INSIST.

ok, i get that he is worried. and that's absolutely reasonable of him... BUT you are the one giving birth and it's sooooooo important that you are where you want/need to be when you do it

I don't have tme for a really lengthy post here (shame, cos i can wax lyrical about homebirth) but one thing I would really urge you to think about is the fact that you could well end up transferring to hospital.

You need to be able to deal with that, and I would worry that starting off at home and then having to transfer when you're scared and in a very vulnerable state could actually be worse than if you can somehow deal with your fears and go to hospital to start with iyswim?

oh and as for people turning up...././ well surely you would just not open the door??

IME midwives are VERY good at telling people to piss off!!!

I think the less stressed you are the easier the labour. Yet he has concerns about his baby and I think these should be addressed. I second the advice about attending home birth presentations and doing research.

I really recommend giving your Dp a lot of input as sometimes they can feel so excluded from the process and I think that's his main concern.

You need to be black and White to your mum regarding her presence. I think this will help.

I think if you feel so strongly about homebirth your decision has been made, good luck! How would you react if you had to then be sent to hospital (just playing devils advocate)

I think everyone has covered your first point, but how are you going to deal with your other issues once your baby has arrived? I think this needs addressing as well. When you take your baby out he or she will probably need a nappy change. When the child is older it will need to use the toilet. If you project these cleanliness obsessions on to your child it will cause more problems. Or do you plan to stay in the house all the time?

Hypnobirthing has changed your feelings about giving birth. You feel good about yourself and your marvellous ability to give birth. You feel it has been a fantastic, worthwhile investment. So why not do the same for your other worries? Why not have a series of one-to-one sessions with a hypnotherapist, addressing specifically your dirt, medical and hospital anxieties? It would take such a weight of your shoulders to deal with these, regardless of your pregnancy and upcoming labour. Once you have comPleted the hypnotherapy, take another look at the issue of where you choose to labour.

You've tried very hard to come to a comfortable compromise with your dh, but your anxieties get inthe way. There are pros and cons to every birth-location, and most logistical problems can be resolved, but the biggest consideration (as long as there are no health considerations) is the mum's state of mind. Tension, fear, anxiety will hold you back wherever you are. That is why you need to address it. Even with a planned homebirth you might end up in hospital, and you need to be able to cope.

Is anyone able to tell me where I can find out about a hypno birthing course? Is it something that you go to a class for, or just a book you read at home? I really want to learn about it as I too am extremely squeamish and am terrified of all things hospital related! Anything which could help me overcome my fears would be amazing.

Also, I really want a homebirth with a birthing pool because I think I would be most relaxed and at ease there - but my hubby too is against the idea. His reason is that he would rather me be at hospital should I need medical intervention, but my second choice is a midwife lef birthing centre anyway so surely there is no difference?

I've done a hypno-birthing course and am planning a homebirth for #1. We're doing the ward tour etc. just in case as I know there's a chance we'll end up there.

ct148, my midwives and I have already discussed what they would transfer me for. You could make sure that your husband knows that you will have medical attention at home through your midwives, and as said above, far more constant attention than in a hospital. They will use their professional judgement to decide whether you need to be in a hospital. Anecdotally I've read far more horror stories about things going wrong when women are labouring alone in hospital because of shortage of midwives than home births. (Obviously both are rare anyway.) And google hypnobirthing in your area - there's a variety of lengths of courses at different prices. There are books and CDs that I know people rate, but I am too lazy to do that sort of thing without a teacher!

I also think more hypnotherapy for FTM is a great idea. Having those sorts of concerns really will be difficult with a baby in any case.

What are you going to do with the mess that will be created in your house by a home birth if you are a clean freak?

vj32 The OP stated "I have a thing about cleanliness in public places" and as the MWs do most of the cleaning after the birth I can't see that this is a problem.

Wow - thanks for all of your replies ladies :) my reply is shortish as I am in work (of which i have achieved nothing this morning apart from order a book - see below lol!!)

CT148 - look on www.hypnobirthing.co.uk/ that is how i found my instructor.

I have come up a plan, in response to all of your great advice and after a very very heated discussion with hubby this morning! He said if I wanted it, I could do it but he wouldn't be happy. The main issue is medical (80%) and the other 20% is the people in the way thing. He also feels cheated that we have paid for hypnobirthing, and that I still want a homebirth (which i dont blame him for - I would be).

I have been thinking - I would be totally prepared to go to hospital if I needed to, I just wouldn't do it out of choice, so if things were to go pete tong, I would have to cope. A few friends have said i wouldn't notice anyway.

My mum knows I want a home birth I think but that hubby isnt happy. Next time the conversation comes up, I will say we want to be at home so it is just us two, without lots of other people, in the privacy of our own home. If that doesnt work, I will be even more blunt and say I dont want anyone there! And most people have said, midwives are very good at telling people to go away.

SelinaDoula - copy of the book you recommended has been ordered and paid for and will be with us within the next week - thanks!!!!

The cleanliness thing, is linked to anxiety. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all - but other times, I notice I haven't done my hands etc, and it is something I am very conscious of not doing around my baby. I do think, it is something I have got better at. Ie, I now use the shower in the swimming pool and don't have another shower when i get home! For the last few scans I have had, and trip to out of hours Dr at the hospital, I didn't immediately change after.

Canadajin - Unfortunately, our nearest mid wife led unit is miles away, over 45 mins to an hour, and if i had to go to hospital, it wouldn't be my local one. I know our maternity unit was closed due to Swine Flu, but I will call them and ask them to look around, as I am told maternity is very different to normal wards. This would be perfect for me I think - and an perfect compromise.

mrs Vidic - I think you hit the nail on the head, he isn't feeling included. He text this morning and said, why doesn't he just not be there at all and my mate can be there instead. But that is another issue!!

Bhtb and others - thanks for the website, I had a look, and will pull together the info for him there! I said some of the things this morning but we were both in defensive mode so it would have gone in one ear and out the other.

Nigglewiggle - cheers for the suggestion of the home birth presentation. I have found a local home birth support group, that meets one day a month in my local area and have emailed them to find out when the next meeting is!

So my next steps.... talk to my mum, make signs for the front door, get hubby to read the book (which he has just seen in our bought items in ebay - eeeekkkk!!), call the maternity unit and ask to have a look around and attend the first meeting for home birth next month! I have got ages to sort this out.

Thanks again for your help and advice
xx

well it was meant to be short!!!

vj32 - I don't know if you've had a homebirth, but I have to say that our house was probably cleaner after dd's birth than before - I've never seen a clean-up operatino as efficient as the one our midwives performed! DH is a bit of a clean freak and he agrees

Excellent advice/comments here, so not much to add, but thought I should address the suggestions that a home birth makes a mess!

Good luck, OP, whatever you decide, and I really have to agree with thisisyesterday - you're the one giving birth, and really it should be up your decision. It's understandable that your DH is nervous, but he needs to get some information so that you can make a decision without fear.

My DH was so impressed with the equipment the midwives had with them. Minor interventions (I had an episiotomy) can be carried out at home, and they set up whatever is needed (bit hazy on this, but I was told after the event) to resuscitate the baby should there be a problem.

Transfer by ambulance to a local hospital can be made quickly, and remember that if something goes wrong in hospital they still have to prep theatre and mobilise the relevant people, and if you're quite near hospital all that will be happening as you transfer.

I have had two homebirths and there was no mess. Nothing whipping an old sheet off the bed and putting a new one old didnt solve.

OP
I had my HBs for very similar reasons to yours. I have an anxiety disorder type thingy (not going to claim a phobia) about hospitals/medical stuff. My DD was very sick for a long time, she died, its left its mark in many ways.

My OH was dubious at first. I explained how much easier it would be for him, no hanging around for hours and hours, no being ignored by medical staff, no feelings of uselessness etc. He got this because he had experienced hospital births.

Your OH sounds anxious about the safety of HB rather than all that other stuff.

I dont know the name but there is a wonderful Homebirthing website which gives great advice in a 'what if this happens?' sort of way. Homebirth Association maybe (looks round for help)

I totally get you, I was so anxious about going into hosptial that I had a panic attack when my MW phoned the consultant during an appointment (it was at that point she took me seriously).

BUT I felt that if something happened during labour and i HAD to go, I would be ok because it would be totally out of my control.
You really have to make this choice for yourself. Of course it is his baby too but he is making his decision based on 'what ifs' and unfounded fears. You have a very good reason to have your baby at home.

I wish you luck with this.

Oops, x-post with you, OP. Very good luck - let us know how it goes!

Hypnobirthing is fantastic. If you want to have a home birth then that is your right and of course you are not being unfair. Giving birth is so much easier if you are comfortable and I personally think clinical environments do not aid comfort. The damage that can be left from an awful birth experience can be hard to fix so it's worth doing whatever you can in preparation to make it easier for you - whatever that happens to be. Some people tense up just being in hospital and that makes it harder when you have a contraction because you can't relax into it as effectively.

I had wanted a HB but unfortunately needed to be induced. I insisted on having the lights off - I did not want to give birth under strip lighting! The environment is important for how I feel. That birth experience did work out very well btw and was much less painful than my others.

To be completely honest OP - it has absolutely sod all to do with your DH as to where you give birth.

It's your decision. There is no 'going back on any deal' - you're the one who has to get the baby out of your body, not him. DH wasn't happy about me planning a homebirth and to be honest, I didn't particularly care. The baby was his, but the birth was going to be mine, and I got to choose (in the end I went in for induction after 42 weeks, however the plan was for homebirth all along) It's not like you won't be able to use the hypnobirthing techniques at home is it?

I don't like his 'well I may as well not be there' sulk either - sounds like he'll do whatever he likes for you to have the birth HE wants you to have, rather than doing what is best for you. In fact, it's made me quite cross.

And if he thinks a hospital birth is more private, just you and him, visitors can (and do) turn up to labour wards uninvited, and you may have various members of staff popping in throughout (we had the sandwich lady knocking on the door during a VE, trying to get in to offer us some tea )

Also, you may not get the attention from a midwife you want/need on a busy labour ward - but at home you will get two midwives to yourself.

I think you need to care less about what he thinks and wants, and start telling him what you want. Make sure you have a written birth plan too, and that the midwives read it when they get to you, as he doesn't sound like he'd be a great advocate for you if you stayed at home, and would try to talk you into going to hospital at every opportunity.

Flisspaps - well said! I take back all my gentle pussyfooting and second every word you say.