Home birth - am I being unfair?

[F1rstT1meMummy]

Hi All

Ok a little about me....without sounding like a head case and thanks for your patience if you get to the end!

I am 25 weeks pregnant and really want a homebirth. Since finding out I am pg I have been PETRIFIED about giving birth, for a number of reasons but I suppose there are two main factors.

• Firstly, I am very squeamish and don't like anything medical related ? i have been known to pass out on hearing peoples medical stories. Linked to this, is a completely irrational ?fear? of hospitals. If I make it to visit people, I sit there, cannot look at anything medical like things that are used for drips etc and end up waiting outside until the other people I go with are ready. I even faint at the sight of a needle, let alone having blood taken.
• Secondly, I have a thing about cleanliness in public places!! For example, when I visit people in hospitals, I reluctantly sit down and if I do, when I get home, I take everything off at the washing machine and have a shower. I cannot/will not sit down on public toilets, wait for someone to come in so I don't have to touch the door handle after i have washed my hands etc and always have anti bac hand gel on me, I even used to have a shower when I have been on public transport/the tube (but this got a little tiresome when I was travelling so much with work and having 18 hour days)! Having said that, my home is far from immaculate, and we have a dog, which has meant I have had to curb the hand washing. It is only in public places, and some peoples houses.

I really wanted a home birth, but hubby doesnt want me to, and after doing a lot of research, felt that hypno birthing would really help me. So, I persuaded hubby that if we paid for a course of hypnobirthing, I would go to hospital!! The hypnobirthing has been AMAZING ? the first fear, of giving birth, tearing etc doesnt bother me know, in fact I am ready to take on the ?challenge?, and feel I completely understand the whole process now ? its a complete turnaround to where I was before.

However, it hasnt helped with the ?fear? of the cleanliness in hospital. Plus I want a waterbirth, which i know isnt guaranteed at home. The thought of having to share a toilet, bath, shower etc is horrendous.

I have said to hubby I want a home birth, and he is adament he wants me to go into hospital for a number of reasons, and I think he is a little frustrated I have gone back on the deal with the hypnobirthing (which i had no intention to do at all, and I can completely see his frustration ? he probably feels like i manipulated him, but that wasnt what I wanted). The reasons being:

• We have an ?open house? policy, ie, no one has to call to pop round, if the cars are home, then you are more than welcome to pop in for a cuppa! Hubby is worried someone will turn up (most llikely one of his mates that has the impecable timing!).
• My mum lives around the corner and she has already dropped hints about being at the birth (which so far I have just ignored). Hubby is worried she will come around.
• He said he wants it just be us, and for him not to have to deal with people turning up ? he wants to be there for me 100%, and for him to have to deal with that will just cause him to stress.
• He is also not in agreement with the homebirth camp anyway, and wants me to be in hospital in case I/baby needs medical attention.

I am now really stuck, I cannot see him budging, but I really don't want to go into hospital unless I really have to. I?d rather be at home, where I can be more relaxed and not have to worry about walking bare foot anywhere, or sitting on the toilet etc. I just worry I am working so hard with the hypnobirthing that when i go in to the hospital and see any dirt/blood/stains etc I will lose the plot!!!

I just don't know what to do ? For weeks I have been grinding my teeth, something I do when I am mega stressed, and the only thing I can put it down to is this. Work is not busy ? far from it which is my other usual stress factor.

Is there anything you lovely ladies can suggest? Any thoughts would be gratefully received!

Thanks again if you got to the end!!

I have had 2 home births and and planning a 3rd with DC3 due in July. Hubby was not keen when I first brought it up, but after meeting midwives, speaking to NCT lady and touring hospital, reading up on it (me) and doing research on internet (me) he agreed but only if I agreed that I would transfer to hospital if needed.

He just wanted to make sure his baby was going to be safe and I guess that's what your DH wants too. However, there is absolutely no guarrantee that hospital is the safest place. I think it's not myself. Like you, I have a huge fear of the cleanliness of hospitals (have had quite a few bad experiences with me, DD and Nan) so I think your fears are justified re that.

If you are not comfortable giving birth in the hospital then your body will sense that and things may get complicated. I gave birth where I was most comfortable and for me that was at home.

Good Luck

My DH wasn't overly keen about me having a home birth. but he supported my decision and it was a wonderful experience that we hope to repeat with DC3 in a couple of months.

It is your body and your birth and it should ultimately be your decision. I think you should ensure that you aren't disturbed and that people know that no one should be allowed in the house until you are ready to receive visitors.

I was extremely annoyed to have the in laws turn up at the door less than an hour after the birth. I told my DH to show them the baby and then ask them to leave without coming in to see me (I hadn't even had a wash by then ) I will insist this time that no one is allowed in the house until I am ready!

I found being at home to be a much better experience than my first time in hospital and gave us all a chance to bond with him at home without the stress of other people on a ward with you.

Forgot to say that when I was having DD1 in hospital I was left alone for much of the time as the midwives were so busy and they didn't even realise how much I'd progressed until I started spontaneously pushing.
When in labour with DC2 we had two midwives the whole time (it was a short labour) and I felt really well looked after.

I am planning a HB as I don't think I would feel comfortable in hospital, would rather feel comfortable and relaxed at home, have a MW all to myself, etc HOWEVER I am going to have a tour of the maternity ward to familiarise myself with it in case I have to be transferred. I am totally open to the possibility of being transferred but the last thing I want is to get there and be freaked out because I'm out of my element. The unknown is always more scary. So I would recommend you think about the same.

RE people "popping in". Surely you would just lock the door?! And if someone does drop by have DH/MW say "FirstTime is GIVING BIRTH! Goodbye!" I doubt they are going to insist on coming in to watch?!

RE the hypnobirthing class. I would try to frame it as anything that helps you to relax about giving birth, regardless of location, is a good thing for both yours and your baby's health. Money well spent. You shouldn't have persuaded him to pay for it in the premise that you would change your plans when you were unsure that you would but you did and you're sorry. End of.

It's your DH's baby as well and you're his wife and he is probably just really, really worried about both your safety. So you need to involve him in your decision and explain and make sure he really understands why you're doing this. Get the facts and figures so he can see that it's not dangerous or reckless.

This is a good article-
www.homebirth.org.uk/blokesven.htm
Generally blokes tend to feel more included and in control at home than in hospital!
I've known a few that really weren't keen but were totally converted and commited HB advocates after the birth!
S x

If I were you I would ditch hubby at the birth and have your mum instead! and you're more likely to find hypnobirthing beneficial at home with less pain relief options. Anyway hypnotherapy is surely a good way of helping your anxieties?

I was all set for a hospital birth with my son, but after a very quick and intense first stage, and while waiting for the ambulance to take me to hospital, I said 'I'm not going in' and he was born at home!
For ages my OH thought I'd done it on purpose...I think he eventually worked out that you can't just have a quick labour 'on purpose'!!
It was an unusual situation tho as I have a friend who is a midwife and she came to my house and told me I was 10cm

My DH wasn't keen at all of the idea of HB - he thought birthing should be done in a hospital, lying on your back, strapped to a load of monitors and pumped full of drugs. It was actually the videos that our hypnobirthing practitioner showed us each class (and the course) that totally changed his mind and made him realise that "birth" is a normal life event and not some major medical complication that needs to be "managed".

I did have to reassure him a bit though that if there was any problems I would be straight up to the hospital, but I pointed out to him that's just common sense - why would I go through months of TTC, carrying a baby for 40weeks(ish) and then put myself and our baby in danger at the end???? Durr! I think he thought I wanted a HB for hippy-dippy principles rather than the actual researched facts about mine and baby's safety.

Anyway, we'll see how it all works out as i am due at the end of the month :)

Im a midwife in London and our team do quite a lot of homebirths, and I think its really important to get your dh involved and on side about it, otherwise you will find it hard to relax for worrying about him during the labour.

When I go to book someone for a homebirth, I really like to meet the couple together and discuss all the pros and cons of hb, discuss all possible scenarios and how we deal with each. Mostly this will help to reassure the partner that we actually do provide a good service and we know what we are doing, so that if there is any problem, we can transfer in to labour ward and (in our case) we continue the care there.
I think it would also be really helpful if you could visit the hospital a few times to allay your fears as it would be a familiar place rather than an unknown, so it would be worthwhile having perhaps alternate appointments there.

As far as the hypnobirthing goes, it shouldnt be a 'either / or' situation, but something to help you deal with the labour and you shouldnt have to compromise on this.

As for your mother - Id suggest having her at one of your home midwife visits and the midwife can (tactfully:)) tell her she is not welcome as you need your privacy but a doula would be a great asset for you to protect the door too and provide a lot of support and encouragement. Id see this as money well spent in your case tbh.

Definately go to the homebirth meetings and take your dh, very important, and both of you will get a lot of support and positive vibes from this.

Good luck in whatever you decide though.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies!
I had a sort of chat with hubby over the weekend, and unfortunately, there is no compromise as far as this is concerned, it is one or the other! So, the Home Birth option is going ahead

He said he will be happy to support me if I have a home-birth, as it is me that has to give birth. But he has his reservations, and he cannot help that. I am hoping that over time, he will start to feel reassured, through the book I have ordered, meeting the MW and going to our local home birth support group. I think he has even done some research of his own on birth pools on-line after our chat, as when talking to friends about birthing pools, he knew what size they were! .

I feel better already, even just knowing a home-birth is on the cards - even if it doesn't go to plan, and I end up in hospital, I know I have tried it.

Now I have to arrange everything!!!! And convince everyone else around me that I am doing the right thing!

Any tips for a homebirt0, preparing for a homebirth and dos& donts would be gratefully received .

Thanks again for your help and time to give me suggestions to work through this!

xxx