Partners not going to scans?

[FeralGirlCambs]

Like many I guess my DH is not as super-interested in my pregancy as I am. It's happening to me, and whilst he is happy to be having a child he seems not that interested in the day to day details. I haven't got a bump yet, so externally it's pretty easy to ignore. He came to my first scan - the one we thought was 12 weeks but tuned out to be more like 9 and was prettyunderwhelmed - as was I to be honest as there was not a lot to see though we were both glad all was well. He couldn't make it to the 'real' 12 week scan (actually 13) , by which time the bean really looked like a baby; I found that one much more exciting.

I have my 20 week scan tomorrow and he could easily come - it's at lunchtime and he works about 20 mins from the hospital; he doesn't argue that he can't get away or anything like that. But he's simply not interested in coming - says he doesn't really want to see what's going on in there, would prefer it to be a mystery, etc. I don't really understand that, but am not going to be devastated or hugely resentful if he does not come, just a bit disappointed. We still have a good sex life after an early hiccup (just after the 12 week ultrasound pictures which I think scared him off!) and I guess I can appreciate that seeing a massive great baby in there might make sex seem 'wrong' - he hasn't said this but I think it might be worrying him.

We've agreed he'll be with me in labour but not the final bit: I think we both prefer the traditional pacing the corridor model, though I have reserved the right to change my mind if it all feels too traumatic - I'd genuinely prefer him not to see the gory bits so this is not him trying to escape. After all it did not used to be normal for men to be there and I think I'd prefer just me and mw.

So... I suppose the question is, after a very long post, has anyone else's partner not been to scans; did it matter to you at the time or later; did anyone pressurise a reluctant partner and that have consequences good or bad? I know he'd come if I made a fuss as he is, genuinely, very supportive. MN has become a bit of a habit as first pregnancy is something that a part of me (naturally!) thinks is enormously significant, but a great big other part is carrying on as normal, quite happily, not thinking about babies all the time etc - like getting married I think pregnancy can become all-consuming 'me me me' and I am inclined to steer away from that. So do I only think the scan is significant because norms of nowadays insist on dads being so much more involved, such 'new men'? Thoughts please!

Its tricky because its such a personal decision. If your DH genuinely isn't fussed about being there and you're genuinely not fussed about him being there then why put pressure on and make a situation tense? I'm not a great one for doing things just because that's what everyone else does.

However, looking at it from the other perspective, there is a serious reason for having a 20 week anomaly scan and whilst for most women its confirmation that all seems well and a chance for a quick peek, some women aren't so lucky and find out that all doesn't seem well. I sincerely hope you're not one of that minority, but I'd encourage you to have someone there (be it DH, your mother, sister, close friend - even if they don't come in for the scan to start with) to give you some support, just in case.

Sorry that's got a bit of a dark side to it, but having had 1st and 2nd hand experience of both good and bad news at scans, I know I'd always recommend having a supportive friend to anyone going to a scan.

You sound great and really understanding of where he's coming from.

I'd agree with Tangle, that you might want to have someone with you at the 20 week scan as support. Perhaps you could talk about this with DH so that he knows there's a reason to be there and he would have a role. If he still feels he doesn't want to then you could ask someone else to come along.

FWIW, my DH happily plods along to everything but has been very open about how it doesn't really move him (this is DC3). Obviously, he's happy when the scans go well but, for him, nothing really kicks in until the babies are born and he gets to hold them. It's hard for me to understand because each pregnancy is so real and intriguing for me but I understand that he doesn't feel the same and, really, it's not so surprising. I think you're incredibly wise to not feel there's necessarily anything wrong just because you and DH don't conform to how things are 'done' these days.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with you scan.

your scan .

I agree with the other posters

its fine for him not to be at the scan and birth if thats what you and him want but you must take someone with you. I have had bad news at that scan and wouldn't have wanted to hear it on my own.(everything was fine it turned out after a scan 2 weeks later)

I have gone with my friends to both 12 and 20 week scans when they didn't have to a partner there.

Sorry I'm going to go against the grain here, I would feel very disappointed if dh didn't want to come. He's had to take a days holiday each time due to the nature of his work.

I think I would also feel hurt that he wasn't there to support me.

I would feel hurt if my partner didn't come to the 20 week scan particularly. If there are any problems, then you both need to be involved in any decisions and so I think you both need to be there to be told any relevant information.

The 20 week scan is much more interesting than the 12 week one too.

Do you think he's a bit scared or squeamish and doesn't want to admit to it?

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes Christine I think he is, and in fact does admit it, though his general line is he does not see the 'need' to be there. I've said about the issue with problems and decisions and he's said - correctly I guess - that nothing would need to be decided then and there, and that we would of course discuss at length and in detail somewhere other than in the sonography unit. I do feel a bit hurt, but not sufficiently so to make a big fuss and impose my will against his - why should I get my way if he feels genuinely that he'd prefer not to see? I know he would come if I did kick up, but would that be worthwhile if it was not based on his own wish? I'm with Tangle there.

But I guess he does need to understand that it's not a frivolous thing - just wanting to see the baby - but could reveal important issues. I can't really think of anyone else who would accompany me at short notice, what with jobs etc. I am generally pretty good at dealing with difficult situations, but might of course find it useful to have someone else there to ask questions.

I think that's the thing - its not so much the decision needs to be made then and there, but while you're there you have access to the staff to ask questions of and find out what the options are. However good you are at dealing with difficult situations, trying to keep a rational head on while you (potentially) discuss the pros and cons of different courses of action should it turn out that your baby has a condition that is incompatible with life is a pretty big ask. You'd also then have to retain that information (it may only be given verbally) so that you can present it to your DH such that he is in a position to contribute to a decision.

Personally I would be hurt if my DH didn't want to be there - but that's based on me and him and our relationship. If my DH genuinely didn't want to go then I'd try and respect that and find an alternative warm body for support - but if I was unable to do that then I would ask DH to be there to support me, even if that was against his wish and I would be very upset and offended if he didn't see supporting me in that circumstance as worth doing. But again, that's me and us and our relationship, with reactions based on previous personal experience....

How about a compromise? You could explain about the potential bad news scenario and say you'd rather he was there for that reason (after all, it's a serious scan you have to sign a consent form for) - but if he's not particularly keen on seeing the scan itself then he could sit outside and wait there. The sonographers will be absolutely fine with that and then you can call him in if you need to.

Thats a good thought owlbooty.

I read this thread earlier, b4 anyone had said they'd be upset if their partner didn't come along, and didn't want to go against the flow by saying just that!

But i'd be devistated if he said he'd rather not go. I think i'm more emotionaly highly stung than the OP, and that is not necessarily a good thing - but i realy think he should be there! He was happy to be there at the start after all .....sorry.

I'd have to physically restrain DP if I didn't want him to come. He's been given the dates of the MW appointments, consultant appointments and scan one. He just comes, it's his baby too :)

DP also seems to love finding the HB with the Doppler (we did get it so DSD could participate in the pregnancy but DP has more fun with it)

Don't get me wrong DPs not controlling or anything like that, it's nice to see he wants to be apart of it with me :)

Can't really add a lot to this thread as most of it has been said. I would not go on my own just in case of bad news. Nobody, and I mean nobody will retain all the relevant information you will be told if there is something wrong. You need someone who will ask the questions that don't occur to you and someone else there to make sure you really understand what is being said. It doesn't need to be your partner but he is the most obvious choice as he is the one who will be making any decisions with you.

Oh he could sit in the room with his back to the scanner so he doesn't have to see? I think the point about having someone else there who is listening too if they do identify any issues is critical.

I will give you an example. One of my friends was told her DD had a slightly enlarged kidney at her 20 week scan so they wanted her to come back in and have another scan in two weeks and then see the consultant. If her DP hadn't been with her, she would have had to deal with that fear and all the information she was told on her own and he would have been entirely reliant on her getting her facts straight at a time when she was in shock. And then there's two weeks of anxiety.

The baby is fine now but that's the sort of thing that can happen at a 20 week scan. And if no one else can go with you then I think you need to insist he's there actually.

DH didn't come to our anomaly scan - he was sent to Africa on v short notice. It wasn't the most reassuring scan in the world, lots of mmmms and ahhhs and a recall in 2 weeks.

Now even if there had been problems we wouldn't have terminated and I had felt baby moving that morning so I felt okay about going it alone BUT I do think I'd have been better if someone else had been there. And I made very sure he came to the second one.

He couldn't come to the 32 weeks scan either. I insisted he came for one of the consultant appointments though because there were a lot of questions I wanted to ask and I suspected I wouldn't like tye answers. If it had just been me I'd have cried or given in and felt very resentful, so his presence was invaluable then.

Really you need to weigh it up. If he works 20mins away can you go it alone and him come if you need him to?

DH didnt come to my scans, but that was because he couldnt get away from work. We were both fine with that.
I did however take someone else with me, in case of any bad news. Its not just about remembering everything that might be said to make decisions on, but also that if you do receive bad news you are very likely to appreciate having a shoulder to cry on!

I'd mention to your DH that you really think you should have someone with you. Give him first choice of being that person (the option of him coming but waiting in the waiting room is a great compromise) but make it clear that if he doesnt go with you, then you will be asking someone else in his place (Mum, MIL, friend etc)

My DP was a bit the same, so we compromised and he came to the hospital but not into the scan room itself. We had had a bad scan before though so he could see the importance of being there. There was one he couldn't come to at all so I took my sister with me for that one. I think it is important to have someone there just in case.

If my dp was acting like this I would be so upset.

It's not about him and all this mystery rubbish.

It's about you and the baby.

I think if he really can't put his own needs and feelings aside at such an important time then I would have serious concerns.

The 20 week scan is sometimes called the anomaly scan because they're checking for problems with your baby. So doesn't your DH think he should be there to support you in the very unlikely event that there is a problem?

I would be heartbroken if my DH took so little interest, personally. I really don't get the "I would prefer it to be a mystery" argument.

I don't think its a big deal OP, as long as you don't mind. My DH didn't come to my 20 week scan, although that was mainly because he couldn't get away (he's a teacher and the head said no!). He also said similar things though about not wanting to see inside etc and wanting it to be a mystery. I had 2 further "emergency" scans (as my fundal height was 6 weeks too small on 2 occasions - I just had a small bump) which he also didn't attend.

I didn't mind at all! I quite liked going on my own... just me (and the sonographer) and my baby saying "hello" to eachother. But I had happy scans where all was well of course....

But I wan't in the least upset or hurt by DH!!! As I said, I sorta preferred going alone!

ps - now DD is 5 months old and DH simply couldn't be more interested and involved. I am going back to work full-time in sept and he is going to be a stay at home dad!!

Just to clarify, I went to the "emergency" scans without anyone as well. I actually didn't want anyone else there if it was bad news. But that is just me - I have always been like that about difficult things. I would have needed DH or someone to pick me up though as I wouldn't have been able to drive I expect.

BUT, all was fine...

Agree with 1Catherine1, scans aren't just about a chance to see your baby, they are medical examinations and sometimes the findings aren't good. I couldn't imagine going through that on my own and I think DH would feel very guilty not having been there.

He was there when I had my GD diagnosis, scan and treatment explained and it was very useful. It gave him the chance to ask questions too and he remembered far more of it than I did.

The same is true of the birth, everyone wants a healthy baby but not everyone gets one. My mum had a stillbirth and a baby die when a few hours old. If that happens to me I don't think it will help either of us if DH isn't there. I think it's too easy to envisage it as if everything will go absolutely fine (which of course I hope it will) but I think you also need to consider the consequences of him not being there if it doesn't.

Can I just check I understand? He knows that there is a possibility ( very remote we h ope) of you getting bad information at this scan? But he STILL doesn't " feel the need" to come because you wouldn't have to make a decision there and then?

And he knows you want him to be there and he could come in his lunch hour?

But he still refuses?

Either he is very selfish or he has something like aspergers.

I do all sorts oF small things for my Dh because he wants even though I don't " feel the need" . It's what people do in a relationship.

I'm with legallyblond on the scans - this is our third (DH came to both scans with DC1 and the 12 week with DC2 - he had to be abroad for work for the 20 week). This time he has been to none as he would have to take fully days off work - I asked him if he wanted to come and he said not really, but asked me to call him straight after. I went alone and like legallyblond there is nobody else I would have wanted there - with DC2 I had to ask a friend to babysit DC1 (who was about 18 months) which was much more important than asking her to come with me. With DC3 we live abroad and I have no really close friends close by, nobody I'd want there if it was bad news! I don't have that kind of relationship with my own mother or my MIL anyway and would not want to tell them any bad news til after DH and I had decided what to do, they'd just make me feel worse before.

I know I am very lucky not to have had bad news at a scan, and am very aware scans are not just a look at the baby (which was why I decided against taking my 5 year old to the 20 week scan this time, she really wanted to come and look at the baby) but think I would handle it better alone than with a random warm body with me, and would of course ask DH to come to follow up apts if there had been bad news, that would be different (there is a language issue here too!).

The one thing I do need DH there for is the birth, but I guess if he were out in the corridor right by the door (not off in another part of the hospital and not able to get back in the room at a moment's notice) that would be OK for the OP if she needed him - from what I have heard lots of dads leave the room for this and that during labour, sometimes unintentionally badly timed, anyway. I had a bad experience with my first birth (emergency c-section) and needed DH there and at subsequent ones because I was/ am scared! For me that's a different thing to receiving news at scans...

I don't think the OP should be made that she should feel disappointed in her DH for not wanting to go to the scans, as she says if she made it clear she really wanted him to go he would, I think if the OP is happy with him not going that is fine, there is a bit of a feeling on the thread that she should be upset by his not wanting to go IMO...

My DH has attended all the scans with my previous 2, but he is now working away so I went to 12 week scan alone, luckily all was well. He is coming to the 20 week one, as with DS there was a problem and I will be honest when they said problem I switched off and didn't really listen or understand, so I am glad DH was there as he kept calm and listened to the sonographer and consultant and explained it all to me when we got home. I don't want to be alone incase something happens on this scan.
As for birth he was there right through with DD and was a great help, with DS he was there until I was rushed for an EMCS and sadly he wasn't able to come in the theatre due to me having to have a GA, I think he found this very hard, as he had no idea what was happening, he could look through a gap in the door but couldn't see much.

If mt 20 week scan had of been fine last time, then I would not have asked DH to attend this time.