Partners not going to scans?

[FeralGirlCambs]

Like many I guess my DH is not as super-interested in my pregancy as I am. It's happening to me, and whilst he is happy to be having a child he seems not that interested in the day to day details. I haven't got a bump yet, so externally it's pretty easy to ignore. He came to my first scan - the one we thought was 12 weeks but tuned out to be more like 9 and was prettyunderwhelmed - as was I to be honest as there was not a lot to see though we were both glad all was well. He couldn't make it to the 'real' 12 week scan (actually 13) , by which time the bean really looked like a baby; I found that one much more exciting.

I have my 20 week scan tomorrow and he could easily come - it's at lunchtime and he works about 20 mins from the hospital; he doesn't argue that he can't get away or anything like that. But he's simply not interested in coming - says he doesn't really want to see what's going on in there, would prefer it to be a mystery, etc. I don't really understand that, but am not going to be devastated or hugely resentful if he does not come, just a bit disappointed. We still have a good sex life after an early hiccup (just after the 12 week ultrasound pictures which I think scared him off!) and I guess I can appreciate that seeing a massive great baby in there might make sex seem 'wrong' - he hasn't said this but I think it might be worrying him.

We've agreed he'll be with me in labour but not the final bit: I think we both prefer the traditional pacing the corridor model, though I have reserved the right to change my mind if it all feels too traumatic - I'd genuinely prefer him not to see the gory bits so this is not him trying to escape. After all it did not used to be normal for men to be there and I think I'd prefer just me and mw.

So... I suppose the question is, after a very long post, has anyone else's partner not been to scans; did it matter to you at the time or later; did anyone pressurise a reluctant partner and that have consequences good or bad? I know he'd come if I made a fuss as he is, genuinely, very supportive. MN has become a bit of a habit as first pregnancy is something that a part of me (naturally!) thinks is enormously significant, but a great big other part is carrying on as normal, quite happily, not thinking about babies all the time etc - like getting married I think pregnancy can become all-consuming 'me me me' and I am inclined to steer away from that. So do I only think the scan is significant because norms of nowadays insist on dads being so much more involved, such 'new men'? Thoughts please!

Haven't read the other posts but remember the point of scans is to look for abnormalities. This is a real possibility otherwise they wouldn't go to the expense of doing routine scans on the NHS. My DH was abroad with work when I went for 20 week scan with DS2. I went with my mum and they found a possible problem, I had to trek across London for a second opinion and although my mum was with me, I felt so lonely, worried upset without DH there. This time round DS3 I went for private 20 week scan as hospital could not fit me in on a date when DH was not abroad and there was no way he was letting me go through that again.

I also have to say that DH found being with me in both labours an experience that he wouldn't have missed for the world. He intended to stay at the ' head' end but actually did see them both come out and was an invaluable support to me.

My DH missed all our scans - he is in the Navy and was away. It wasn't ideal, but in the long run didn't matter. I did take friends along for a bit of support. And a friend of min whose partner was in Afghanistan asked me (and DS!) along to her scan...I was really touched.

Good luck.

everyone has pretty much said everything above :) and ultimately it is a personal choice - as long as both of you are on board with a decision then it's fine.
However, I agree with the opinions re support etc - unfortunately, I learned the hard way - in my 1st pregnancy I had to have an early scan to rule out an ectopic (spent 5 hrs in emergency room with my husband and they scheduled the scan for the next day). I decided to go by myself and they didn't really see anything other than a "normal" pregnancy ie. in the right place not an ectopic but they asked me to come back in 3 weeks as it was too early to see anything. Again I insisted that I am fine to go by myself as it was just an early scan etc and well, I was wrong - it was bad news (blighted ovum) and I was there alone, started crying uncontrollably and just couldn't focus on anything they were telling me, thankfully the nurse/chaperon was very sweet and she sat with for a while until I calmed down but I cried all the way from the hospital, called my hubby and he came straight from work. I wished I had let him come with me.
So yeah, I guess we need to be prepared for all sorts of things and it is probably easier if you have someone you trust with you.
Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy :)

Everyone, thank you so much for your input. It's really good to get a cross-section of opinion. I must say (hormones!) I have a tear in my eye after reading the last post by 2and1 - so many of the things you say (would not tell mother anything before DH and I had talked; handle things well on my own - only child! and most of all not wanting to feel disappointed just because people think I should be) ring so true. Thank you very much.

I know there are expected norms of behaviour and my DH is not exactly conforming, but he's made it very clear to me that of course he'd be there if I really wanted him to be, and that this would not be with bad grace; he'll come straight in if there's any issue to discuss and I've checked with the hospital there will be time for him to do this. We are both first-timers and I think he was quite shocked that it's the received norm for partners to attend these things, and now feels like he should but still does not want to. I have a small twinge of 'what will people think' that I'm alone but, to be honest, that in itself is no good reason to do something. We are extremely close, but don't necessarily base what we do on what is normal by common consensus (no interesting foibles to reveal, I just mean we like to come to our own conclusions about what feels right for us). Having reflected, I think beyond being a little disappointed that he isn't excited to see the baby (and he still would not be if I dragged him in, and I can kind of understand that, since it's not growing in and kicking him) I am really fine with being on my own. He will be there straight away if there's bad news, and of course on the end of the phone.

He and I both do lots of things to please and help each other when the other person needs or wants this - the main issue here was that I was and am not especially bothered except for feeling that it was not 'normal'; if I were to ask him to be there, as opposed to if he wants to be there, he would be for sure. And at least a few OPs have confirmed that he's not the only husband in the world not to have attended. Thanks again ladies, and anyone who is inclined to think badly of someone you haven't met, just remember how very different we all are - not just men but women in our emotional requirements of our partners. I need DH deeply and am totally confident of his love and support, but I don't need him to pretend to be someone he's not. Of course when I said 'pacing the corridor' I mean literally outside, two seconds away...

PS If it makes things any clearer at the birth ideally we want midwife to cut cord, and the baby cleaned up before being handed to us. So maybe I'm emotionally repressed too!

Don't think I read all the posts very closely - yours was really helpful too legallyblond, so thanks! And I'm really sorry to hear about problems others have had and in no way want to belittle those by seeming to be saying blithely,'I can cope'. Genuinely, thanks to everyone for taking so much time to discuss this.

I'm glad you've got a solution you and your DH are happy with - that's all that's important :)

I'm just pleased that he can get to you quickly if you do need him - but I'm really hoping that there's no need as there are no problems and you can enjoy the chance to see your baby for the first time :)