Giving up seats for pregnant women on public transport

[mamamona]

Bit of a rant warning, please let me know if it is justified!

What the hell is wrong with Londoners?!!? I've always given up my seat on the tube or the bus for an elderly/disabled or pregnant woman and I will continue to do so, but yesterday really took the biscuit.

I left work early on Friday because I started having really bad cramps and was scared of premature labour, (ended up in hospital over the weekend just to check), and I get on the train, visibly pregnant, and visibly in pain, and try to make my way to a seat only to have it grabbed by some selfish woman who just smirks at me! Nobody else then offered to give me a seat and I was left standing, with cramps, crying, not having the energy to even muster a voice to ask someone to let me sit down.

This isn't even the first time its happened, even on the so called 'priority seats' for pregnant, those with children, elderly or disabled, are constantly being occupied by some selfish person who is happy to leave a more needy person while they listen to their ipod or tap away on their blackberry.

Whats happened to manners? What would you do? Would you demand a seat? Request that they get up for you? Stare at them giving them evil looks until they feel so guilty that they have to give up their seat for you? Or just let it go?

So angry!

facefull thats the exact attitude dilemma I've been battling with in my head! Would they want their loved ones to be left standing whilst pregnant??

I don't blame you for being angry. It's disgraceful. DH and I ALWAYS give up seats for pregnant or elderly ladies.

A couple of times my DD has pointed out to me afterwards that the ladies who'd turned down my seat were not pregnant but fat

Still, best to err on the side of caution, I always think

Oh, I really feel for you! I always give up my seat for those who need it (but not children unless they are infirm). It always amazes me that it is usually women who stand up voluntarily (and I commute from Canary Wharf so there are a lot more men and they are not exactly weak!)...

Anyway, please do not feel ashamed to ask for a seat. I was once feeling so very bad (nearly fainting) I did not care of shame when I whispered 'please someone let me sit down, i really do not feel well' and several people stood up straight away.

People WILL let you have some rest if you ask (I hope)!

Hug!!!

oh bless you! how awful!!
Those badges are great for the earlier months when you're at the "is she or isn't she?" stage...but at 29 weeks there is nothing to be gained with a badge that your bump isn't doing already. I know it is really hard to ask for a seat but if you ask the people int he priority seats nicely "sorry, do you mind giving up your seat, i'm heavily pregnant and really need to sit down" it takes quite a bastard to say no (they do exist sadly)

good luck for the next 11 weeks! i hope the commute gets better.

incidentally, I come from the country where children are generally not allowed to sit unless there are spare seats on the bus/train/etc and certainly NOT when his/her mother/grandparent stands. This is a vary valuable early training for the youngster. If they are really young they can usually sit on the lap of the adult. If children learned it from an early age we (londoners) would not have to beg for seats when we are sick or disabled.

Agree.

If you need to sit down, for whatever reason, say so.

"I am not feeling very well/I have hurt my back/I am unstable because I am heavily pregnant please may I have this seat?"

Not all pregnant people need to sit, not everyone who needs to sit has an obvious bump (or is pregnant at all).

Goos luck in being more assertive :)

I am not great at asking for a seat (although I find the jubilee line are pretty good) but I'm good at the passive/aggressive approach.

When you get on the train, move into the carriage if you can (I will 'excuse me' and squeeze past people to get away from the door). Then stand in the part of the carriage with parallel rows of seats,
side on to all the seats and try and make eye contact with as many people as possible. Almost always works! Also, don't try and get middle aged men to move (unless with their wives/girlfriends). They will mostly look, clock the bump, and look away. Many will pretend to be asleep, or engrossed in their Metro.Teenage boys are (surprisingly) great at standing up, as are a lot of women IME.

I had a similar situation last Friday! I'm only 11 weeks but have had really bad MS and low low blood pressure so desperately need to sit down on the tube/train, so I got one of those baby on board badges (just have to whip it off before I get into work!)

I'd had a rubbish afternoon at work, and my DH phoned while I was on the way home to ask how my day was... I just melted! The train was really packed and I was desperately not succeeding trying to hold back the tears. I had my badge on and even said down the phone, "my back is killing me". People sitting down were actually staring at me!

Finally a seat became free and this this lovely lovely lady (who was also standing) led me to it, and an equally lovely man gave me a tissue... that was it, I turned into a blubbering wreck and couldn't even pronounce "thanks". I'm not really a teary person normally but I'm totally on the verge of full on water works about 90% of the time at the moment!

I find the badge works only about 50% of the time. I was even on a train the other day and the only person to offer me a seat was a mum with a newborn on her lap! I said thanks but no as she clearly needed it more than me.

I was hoping that when I start properly showing people will offer me a seat more... but having read all your posts I think I might have to start practising being assertive!

lovemylittlebean if i see a pg lady on the train, I ALWAYS give up my seat. you won't need to ask me

[just to reassure you]

If you need a seat, ask a person in the priority seat "do you mind if I sit down" or ask out loud if there's nowhere in particular designated. As for the smirker I would ask directly. Be polite and nice and show your bump and they have no choice.

ps I once stood waiting for the cubicles in topshop maternity while 4 DHs sat on the thoughtfully provided chairs, not looking up from their phones... I had to laugh!

I have had someone fight me for a seat when heavily pregnant. You just have to smile sweetly and as basana said, ask 'would you mind if i sit down' and you will both have a seat and a red faced seat chaser. Am so sorry for you that this happened - only time I ever didn't have a seat, before being confident enough to ask, a lovely lady got so incesed that she frogmarched the nearest person out of their seat so that I could sit down.

I remember what it was like to need a seat and always offer - unfortunately the last time the lady wasn't actually pregnant and I ended up getting off the train at the next station as was so embarrassed. Not the first time I've done that either. I will now only offer if I am absolutely sure!

Luckily I wasn't using the tube, but I never had any problems with the good people of West Yorkshire offering me their seats when I was visibly pregnant - I often had a choice!
I do recall seeing one pregnant woman get on the train and then march up to the priority seat and politely demand the use of it, the occupier very meekly got up and gave it to her.
Do have the confidence to ask for the seat if you need it.

I commute into London using train and tube (Victoria line - v busy) and am 31 weeks pregnant.

The best thing I've read here about this exact issue is:

You are pregnant. Not mute. Ask for a seat, woman!

FWIW, I say "excuse me, I could really do with a seat, I'm pregnant". Usually at least one person, and sometimes several, people stand up! With no fuss or huffing or anything. Sometimes people stand up without me saying anything, but just pipe up if they don't immediately notice anything.

I do also have a "baby on board" badge, but to be honest, I do have some sympathy with other (non-pregnant) commuters because I used to be a non-pregnant commuter myself, and I basically completely buried my head in a book for the whole of my tube journey just so it would past faster. I didn't look up at every stop to check whether there was someone who needed a seat. And nor should you expect people to.

that really sucks that you didn't get offered a seat.

If I felt I really needed a seat I would simply ask. Politely mind you, not as though I felt I was entitled to a seat (because actually you don't know who that "selfish" person is - they could have a disability you cannot see, they might be preggers too (less visibly so), they might have an injury (e.g. terrible back pain), feel ill, etc etc.

I don't get the "Baby on Board" badges and I would personally be too horrified to wear one. It comes across as a sign of entitlement which I just don't agree with. And at the end of the day, if they're not noticing your bump, then surely they aren't noticing your little badge either - unless you don't have a bump yet and/or wearing a coat that disguises it completely. I'm 25 weeks and have been offered a seat more than 80% of the time since I was around 19 weeks (closer to 90% of the time these days), even though consensus is that my bump is much smaller than it should be. So I think in general Londoners aren't that bad.

Clearly, if you stand away from the seats in the standing room only area, no one is going to see you, so you need to be standing in front of the seats, preferable in a long row of seats (more seats = greater probability of being offered one), and even better in a row where people don't all have their heads buried in newspapers.

Finally, try to be a little bit understanding of all those "selfish" people out there. I for one didn't appreciate the reasons why pregnant women might need to sit before I became preggers myself. I thought it was purely to do with the weight of the bump. I thought it was kinda like carrying some heavy shopping bags after a long day of walking!!! Oops!

PS - not to imply I didn't offer my seat anyway - I was often the first to do so - I just did it because it was the 'polite' thing to do!

I've travelled in on the London tube when pregnant lots and was pretty much always offered a seat. If there was a delay, it was usually because people had their heads in a book or their Iphones, or as someone said earlier in winter clothes it can be hard to be sure that someone is pregnant and if people aren't sure they might feel it safest not risk offence by offering their seat.

I can't imagine wearing a 'baby on board' badge under any circumstances. I never had to ask for a seat but I would have done if one hadn't been offered.

I found it mixed as to whether people would offer a seat or not. If they did, it was usually (and oddly) foreign students, or elderly men. Young and middle aged men were the worst at burying their head in the paper.

I just used to ask for a seat though, if I needed one. I stopped using the tube at about 29 weeks, but before that I'd had a fainting episode on one and lots of unpleasant journeys. If there was someone sitting in the priority seat who looked ok, I just went up, and said excuse me, then pointed at the bump and at the sign. It always worked, and so it should!

I'm pg again now but I'm driving to work so can prob avoid rush hour tube travel for the forseeable. Which I'm very glad about as I've got much worse MS than last time and can't imagine being on the hell that is the Victoria line!

Just ask

It's not just Londoners - I'm 36 weeks (obviously very) pregnant and had to stand on commuter trains twice last week, once Wolverhampon to Reading and once Wolverhampton to London - only for 25 mins ish each time, but it was to the extent that I felt like sitting on the floor - eventually got seats, but don't understand why people won't offer them up...not very good at having a voice with it, which is strange as I'm very assertive!

I had my first baby in Singapore and I could not BELIEVE how rude people there were about giving up seats. The 'khia su' attitude (Chinese for 'out for yourself') was frequently commented on by many, many, people, not just expats. I used to see mass narcolepsy -- sitting people texting, reading newspapers and talking used to suddenly pretended to be asleep. I remember one large Indian family with six children over the age of six or so, husband and wife, sitting and staring hard at
me and my bump, without any of them getting up.

The best was when I changed tube lines and there I queued at the front waiting for the tube doors to open (I was in front) and when the doors opened someone behind me threw a newspaper to 'chope' (a practice of saving seats in places with packets of
tissue) a seat on the far side. The paper flew through the air (it was like slow motion) landed on the seat and he pushed shoved past me and got to the choped seat, where he promptly fell straight asleep.

In London it narks me in that I would get up myself for a pregnant woman but some people don't like to assume you are pregnant and even though you think you look it, others may not think so, especially wrapped up in coats (in Singapore with hot weather clothing it was much harder to miss) Also, I have a
sedentary job on the days I work so I don't mind standing. Plus, although I'm small with a noticeable bump I'm only 18 weeks so people wouldn't necessarily know.

What really gets me is I still carry my 2-1/2 year old in a wrap sling when she wants a nap and we're out and about in London and many's a time when I've stood there, obviously pregnant and carrying a sleeping toddler on my back and everyone studiously avoids my gaze (not that it is actually very easy
sitting with a baby on your back, but that's not the point)

I'm on the tube fairly regularly, and look pregnant (29 weeks) if no-one offers me a seat i ask for one. You have to assert yourself as many people pretend they can't hear, dont' understand, can't be arsed. But someone will always stand for you if you ask.

I have had this issue a lot during my pregnancy - I agree it's sometimes due to not noticing (we Londoners are great at ignoring everything around us!)... but not all the time. I have found that the Northern line people are nicest :) and it's usually young men (often "chavs" that I wouldn't expect to give up their seat!) and women who give me a seat. There have been a few occasions where I've thanked people and said I prefer to stand but usually I accept. I have stood in front of the priority seats a few times and rubbed my bump... that usually works .

I havent yet needed to ask for a seat but if I did feel I needed to, I'd head straight for the priority seats and be polite. I think most people will feel embarrassed and jump up immediately.

Often DH will say really loudly 'are you ok, do you want to sit down?' and that gets people moving too.

I do think people are generally worried about offending someone who isn't actually pregnant though which is why, in the early days, the baby on board badges are really helpful. When I wore them they afforded me a bit of personal space in crowds too, people would give me a wider berth.

I hope things get easier for you, OP. I can't imagine being in such an active role whilst pregnant. I take my desk job for granted I think.

As a regular London commuter, I can understand that some might not 'notice' others who might need a seat more than them as they might not be watching everyone who gets on like a hawk. What I can't understand, though, is why those people take the priority seat. I hate sitting in the priority seat - even whilst PG - as I feel compelled to constantly look out for someone who needs the seat more than me.

I have to say that I haven't found it very difficult to get a seat whilst PG. It is more difficult to notice in winter clothes, but I have found that standing near the seats and placing a hand on your bump usually gets someone to notice. It's almost always been men in their 30s or 40s who have offered me their seats in that case. Otherwise I ask, and if I do ask, I ask those able-bodied people who shouldn't be in the priority seat. No one has ever refused.

Don't be afraid to speak up!