got kicks from porn and not his 25wk pg partner

[birchykel]

Ok so not sure if I should this post this under pregnancy or not but I am 25 weeks pregnant and sure I cant be the only person going through this.
I have tried searching on here for others going through the same but nothing. So I need to start my own thread.

Im just going to blurt things out so excuse me if I offend.

Up until a few weeks ago...possibly a month or so, my partner and I enjoyed sex, but it kinda stopped, ok completely stopped. It got me so down that I started getting paranoid. So I spoke to him about it, he reassured me he loves me and tried to explain that he finds it difficult because I am carrying his child and have this bump he feels he needs to protect. He see's me as a new mummy and wants to look after me. All very lovely and I do love him for that.

But I found that he had gone on a porn site one day last week, not like him but still upsetting. So I spoke to him, I explained how it made me feel, that im not the one not wanting sex, or not wanting to touch him it is the other way round. So to me him getting pleasure from a filth site makes me wonder if its more than him wanting to protect me and his child and that he just doesnt find me sexually attractive anymore.
He tried to explain again that it really isnt the case, I do believe him. He is such a good bloke, loves me to bits and does everything for me......but even when I mentioned foreplay he said he just cant. he said he thinks after the birth and when things get back to normal that he will want to again. Should I be worried? Its a long time before the birth and im unhappy.
He said ive made into a big issue and he may have gotten over it but he keeps thinking about the baby and it is off putting (understandably) he thinks I dont understand him, maybe I dont.

Please advise or if anyone else is going through this Id love to hear from you. Even if your the one who is the same as my partner. Need to understand before I go mad.

Oh birchykel, it is a bit tricky isn't it!?

I think a) most couples' sex lives change dramatically during pregnancy and/or after having kids and b) many, many people look at porn.

The two aren't necessarily linked - perhaps he's always occasionally looked at porn, but now that your sex life has slowed down it is a more sensitive issue.

I wonder if your sex started to slow down around the same time you developed a definite 'bump'. Perhaps he needs some time to adjust to your new body, and is temporarily freaked-out by the thought of a baby being in there.

When you write "I need to understand before I go mad" I completely relate, but perhaps your partner just needs a little time to adjust. And it might be a bit intense for him if you ask him lots and lots of questions about it. Perhaps see how things go in a week or so, if you just give him some space on the issue?

PS. Good luck, and I'm sure there are literally THOUSANDS of couples going through similar ups-and-downs.

Sorry you have been upset by this & I am not best placed to advise you but didn't want to see your post go unanswered.

I think this is quite common in men during pg, I know that my partner isn't making moves on me half as much as I have got bigger but TBH I am feeling rough with PGP & he knows it plus I can see that I don't look that hot anymore either & I am very obviously pg now when naked so can't blame him really!

It's probably easier for me not to worry as I have been through this when pg before & I know that normal service was resumed v quickly; he will probably be wanting to make up for lost time a few weeks after baby arrives

Not sure if that helps but I hope you are feeling better soon x

It was exactly the same for us, he uses porn anyway so thats not the new thing as we are rarely in the house together at the same time! If your not comfortable with the porn aspect maybe you can discuss that as a seperate issue than the sex?

DH was fine until we saw the 2nd scan when he said it made it so real as he knew it was his daughter in there and she looked so human it felt wrong. It also took weeks for him not to move his hand from my belly as soon as he felt her moving.

For me it felt like I was just a huge fat blob that the baby had done a takeover bid on my body and pushing DH away and there was nothing I could do about it.

As cliche as it sounds the answer for us was our new pear shaped bean bag and he gives me back rubs ect and just enjoy being close to each other and getting skin to skin is not just important to newborns! After 8 weeks one thing lead to another and we are now having gentle lovely sex which makes us both happy.

I hope you can find a happy balance for you both.

PS I am sooo glad DH doesnt read this or he would kick my ass!!

This is very common about men wanting to protect the bump.

It's more common than that however for men to look at porn. Men masterbate too! It's just one of those things and it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your baby.

Thanks for all the replies, its helped. I am trying not to relate the two.
He now feels awful, disgusted with himself. So I feel bad for telling him I found the site he was on and how it made me feel.
Think its my own insecurities, I don't want him to go off me but its true who would find a pg woman with huge bump sexually attractive? I guess I need to get wiv it, face reality. I was naive to think he only watched porn before he got wiv me. I don't mind tho and understand the feeling it gives u. Just wish he would still want me.
Am going to try the back rub advise tho and try some skin to skin. Wish I had worked this out before talking to him cos now he feels bad and I've prob pushed him further away.

Xxx

He sounds like a great bloke, doing loads of stuff for you and feeling protective of the baby. I too have found the "becoming huge" thing quite hard and it is a challenge to look in the mirror and see anything attractive so the poor guys in our lives must be struggling. As long as he loves you and is willing to give you loads of skin to skin/massage then I think I would be willing to turn a blind eye to the occasional bit of porn - hey he might even pick up one or two moves to help celebrate the return of control over your own body once your DC has arrived

"who would find a pg woman with huge bump sexually attractive? I guess I need to get wiv it, face reality"

Oh love, that's not the case - pregnant women can be really sexy!!

He hasn't necessarily "gone off you" but is just readjusting to things. I suggest just taking some time off from the topic, giving him some love, some space and getting to know each others' bodies in different ways - hugs, back rubs, chilling on the couch.

Be proud of your beautiful, new curvy body.

I wouldn't be surprised if you get your mojos back, as you adjust to your changing circumstances :)

I've only a couple of weeks to go now and haven't had sex with my husband the whole pregnancy! At first it was me feeling weird about it and now it's most defenitely both of us - firstly a baby shifting about during would just be too weird for us (arms and legs often stick out!) and secondly although he would never admit it I don't exactly look like sex on legs with a huge bump, massive - occasionally leaking - nipples etc. I really wouldn't blame him if he wanted to look at porn for now.

Everyone is different but you should try and accept it's very normal for men to do this. He doesn't love the women he might be looking at - it might help for you to think of it as more a mechanical thing. He sounds like a lovely bloke. As for us I'm hoping things will go back to normal after bubs arrives but considering I'll be breast feeding - and there will be the continual presence of a tiny baby - there might be a whole set of different issues putting us off!!

• definitely

I appreciate all the advise, it has helped me understand more. I'm not alone in this, I did feel as though I was the only pg woman whos man didn't wana do anything to but I was being silly. Think I knew deep down.
I don't mind the porn, he doesn't do it every day,week,or even month but on odd occasion...he says. It isn't cheating and to be honest id rather he be doing that then looking else where.
I'm just going to make things ok, cos he feels bad bless him. So think the effort has got to come from me too. Snuggles on sofa, back rubs etc.
I know how lucky I am and that he truly loves me. It is more about how I feel about myself.
He asked me last night why my appearance was so important to me.....thing that popped in my head was because I don't wana loose him, even though I know he isn't shallow. Weird hey.
Xx

It is surprising really how many guys find pregnant women really sexy. Especially if you get that certain "pregnancy glow" like I haven't. But I get whistled at in the street now, never have done before though!

I really hope everything goes well for you, an innocent back rub can soon turn to be not so innocent

My DP wasn't best pleased the other night though, he was a bit randy in the night and went to grope my boob, and it leaked all on his hand :o

Oh no, that has happened to me too. My boobs have leaked so much its mad.
I know some men find pg women sexy and please don't think I was saying pg women are unattractive cos I really don't mean that, its just how I feel about myself.
Things are getting better tho he showed more interest last night and we had lovely cuddles. Think we will be fine I just need to relax abit.
I am still a little worried about the porn tho, not sure how often he does it, is it my business? Don't like to think of him doing that a lot.

Best wishes to u all.
Xx

I would not worry too much. We stopped having sex after about 3 1/2 months. There was loads of stress involved as well. NOw Im 36 weeks pregnant and I sometimes get the urge but not much. I suppose different people are different. I didi mention it to my DP the other night and he said well I did not think you would want me to bother as you have been uncomfortable. He was right I was having a silly moment feeling like a whale and down about things. I will be glad when baby is out. And trust me once your body is back to normal you will be fine. I had my DS and me and (my now ex husband) waited until my stitches and eveything else felt better then we were at it again. I think men get confused what to do for the best.

Read the whole link and thought, I won't type anything as you have tons of advise already, went off it and had to cone back to offer my support!! :)

Firstly, when I get pregnant, I could hump any male that knocks on the door! For some reason which is completely unlike me, I feel horny as hell which does put my hubby off! Then as I start to get bigger, he gets wary about having sex, and then when we get past 34 weeks he can't control himself, he exited about the birth, feels that past 34 weeks if anything happened baby would be in safe hands and he could relax a little! And he's had time to adjust to me and what I look like.

Two, my hubby is porn king and it used to really bother me! And he's a well respected design engineer business man who you would never of thought so it just goes to show that anyone can do it! I used to be really uptight about it saying your idolising other women, you must want to do it with other women and if he had the chance he would take it! Very untrue which does take a while to get your head around! It's just titillation and a quick fix! And after a while, I watched some and quite enjoyed it! Now we watch it together and to be honest, is quite a lifesaver as I would quite happily go to bed at 9pm every night! (children are the best contraceptive :) )

And after baby was born, he could stop! The emotions going on in him was amazing! Wanting to be part of everything, feeling left out although he wasn't, I was just knackered and he had to work, but that I had my body back! Think you find catch up will defo happen!

So maybe relax, and try it together? But don't panic, he seems like he's there to stay x x x big hugs x x sorry I've waffled on x

He couldn't stop!! That was meant to say!! :)

Don't be sorry coppernoddle, its nice to hear what u said.
I have thought about suggesting watching it together but as silly as it sounds I wouldn't know what to do/say. I have watched it in the past and enjoyed it but have never watched it with partner what if I don't like that he is getting horny by other women? Dunno maybe not for me.
Do u still watch it wiv ur hubby?
U don't have to answer just I am so naive about it I guess. Or scared of how is feel.

Xx

When I was pregnant with my first, we were still at it like rabbits. I felt sexy, and thought I looked really sexy with my new curves.
I was really horny too after the first few monhs of morning sickness.
I thought, the way DH spoke to me, looked at me and had sex with me that he idolised me.
One day I went on the internet, and he had not shut it down properly, there was a porn site on there.
So, I looked through the history, and found he had spent the night looking a porn sites whilst I had been at work.

It totaly shattered my world!!
I was naive to think he only looked at me, and I was the only woman who he found attractive!!
I asked him, and he denied it, which made the situation even worse.
Eventually he admitted to it, and said he had lied, because he didnt want to hurt my feelings?
He said that he felt a bit odd having sex with me whilst our baby ws inside me. That he didnt want to hurt me, and didnt feel right knowing the baby was with us.

I went right off sex with him, and felt betrayed. I thought that if I let him close to me, that he would be thinking of another woman.
It took me a long time to come to terms that he did love and fancy me, and I am 'the one'.

But I now understand that men do like looking at pictures/ videos of attractive women.
That men need to have a wank - regularly.

It took a while to get my head around it, but after speaking with lots of friends, they all said they had caught their fellas looking at some point.

I dont feel the need to have a flick over a picture of a naked man. That doesnt do it for me.

But men are different!!

I am pregnant with number 3, and past careing now
Im not as energetic in bed as I was 4 years ago ( too tired with two under 2's). So if he wants to have a quick release of tension whilst looking at a pair of boobs, then he can go ahead!
As long as its just a fantasy picture, and not a real woman.
It gives me a bit of peace most of the time

Dont worry, I think if ALL men were honest, we would be quite shocked at what they do with their willies!!

del1 I feel how u felt, how did u get to where u are now?
Part of me thinks its fine, he loves me etc but there is still apart of me that hates it. Feels betrayed, stupid for thinking I'm all that he needs and wants. I also feel a tad paranoid now. I want to talk to him about it but I've already made lack of sex or affection an issue and he knows I know about this one time of porn but obviously there is other times. It upset him and made him feel dirty that he had done it. I reassured him it was fine, trying to be adult and to understand but I do feel a little upset about it. I want to be ok about it but the thought of him thinking of other women as he wanks just hurts abit u know?
Really want to stop thinking this way.
X

Me and my hubby still watch it and yes, it gives me a little peace when he's pestering and I don't have then energy (also 3rd baby)

I'll tell you how to get to that stage!!! Children!!!! You really do get to the point when your past caring, and if you can't beat em, join em, it'll help when your just not in the mood but do what to keep hubby happy! Then you have a reLy good time and think, we should do it more often, until two weeks later and the same thing happens again!! It's funny!! :) you might fond, if he's allowed to do it freely, he won't do it as much!! And when baby comes, he won't have time!!! X x x

birchykel, It is probably the hormones that are making you feel even more insecure, and paranoid than you normaly would.
It took me a long time to get my head around it - the fact that he needed to pleasure himself on his own, without me.
I spent a long time dwelling on it, and was probably quite childish they way I acted towards him after that.
Every little argument I would mention it, and say ' oh go and have a wank then' or 'make sure you turn the porn off my computer'.

I realise I was un sympathetic, and I did make him feel dirty and upset him.
I also withdrew from sex a lot,and physical touching, which did make us grow apart slightly.

A few months after I had our first baby, I started to feel a bit more human again, and realised that I was making him suffer for something that isnt really that 'cheap and dirty'.

I also realised that if I carried on, I could risk driving him away to get his kicks from a real woman!!

We started just getting physical again by hugging, massage etc. Then once we got back into it, sex was just as good as before, and somehow I sort of forgot about him watching porn.

I also spoke to loads of friends, who knew there men were the same.

I dont actualy think he has done it since, although he says he does have the odd wank now and then.

So I think sod it, and tell him when ive had a fiddle if hes been at work!!
Whats good for one is good for the other eh!!

coppernoddle is right, it will probably be one of the last things he does when baby come along, as he will be too busy with his new duties!!

You will understand soon, it just takes a while to realise you are never going to be the only woman in the world that he will find physicaly attractive.

Unless you buy him some blinkers xx

Have quickly read through this thread and just wanted to add my two victorian pennies!

Not ALL men watch porn when their wives are pregnant and its ok for you to feel slightly insecure about it and even upset.

I think it depends alot on your confidence too as a woman because I think porn can be damaging to a relationship especially if the woman is not happy about it or feeling its normal when she cant give him sex everyday because she is pregnant. Imagine if your guy had a broken leg for a couple of months and couldnt do it,would you resort to porn or would you consider his feelings and the fact that its just a period of time and think about more important things. Ok so all men need and want sex on a regular basis but I think it also takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to step back for a while when times are tough.

Ok of course he finds other women attractive, that doesnt mean he has to act on it and if he really wants to he can restrain himself from making porn a habit. If its making you upset - its NOT ok.

Sorry I dont gree with all the above posts.

Del1 I am 31 and I still would be unhappy about it, not ALL women are or will ever get to that stage. Just because others accept it or thinks they are being 'mature' by accepting it doesnt mean to say other women have to.

Yeah, good point Noddyrocks.
If I am totaly honest, I still havnt 100% accepted forgiven what he did. I just learnt to shove it to the back of my mind.
Im 34, and my partner is 42, so I thought would have long grown out of that stage!
If he hadnt made the mistake of not turning the computer off properly, or not deleting his history, then I would never have known.
I would still be in my little perfect bubble, thinking how lucky I was that my man didnt do it.

Not posting to try and make OP feel crap; just wanted to chip in. My DH and I are both pretty relaxed about porn, watch together, alone, whatever.

I am now 34 weeks and have suffered from PGP for about the last 12 weeks, which has made sex pretty uncomfortable TBH. Even so, we've done it once every few weeks or so? My mojo disappeared for a while even.

This morning, we woke up. DH was feeling randy, I wasn't. So he simply said, "mind if I stay in bed with the laptop?". "Nope, not at all - tell you what, I'll even go and get it for you!". So I did.

Then I toddled off downstairs to make brekkie.

My DH is a thoroughly decent bloke who I know loves me to pieces and fancies me too. But we're not always on the same page sex drive wise and I think that I'd prefer us to be open about porn and its role. As someone else said, so long as it doesn't become an every night thing I won't care.

Although saying all of that...I can totally understand birchykel's feeling of rejection. Even if you're not 'doing it' you must maintain the physical contact - so like you said, lots of cuddles and reassurance. Sometimes I'll give DH 'a hand', just to stay involved. That might be a compromise? I also ask that he doesn't touch the bump when we are getting close. Even I struggle to get in the mood when I think about the baby in my tum kicking the sh*t out of me!!! Sort of takes the edge off...!!