got kicks from porn and not his 25wk pg partner

[birchykel]

Ok so not sure if I should this post this under pregnancy or not but I am 25 weeks pregnant and sure I cant be the only person going through this.
I have tried searching on here for others going through the same but nothing. So I need to start my own thread.

Im just going to blurt things out so excuse me if I offend.

Up until a few weeks ago...possibly a month or so, my partner and I enjoyed sex, but it kinda stopped, ok completely stopped. It got me so down that I started getting paranoid. So I spoke to him about it, he reassured me he loves me and tried to explain that he finds it difficult because I am carrying his child and have this bump he feels he needs to protect. He see's me as a new mummy and wants to look after me. All very lovely and I do love him for that.

But I found that he had gone on a porn site one day last week, not like him but still upsetting. So I spoke to him, I explained how it made me feel, that im not the one not wanting sex, or not wanting to touch him it is the other way round. So to me him getting pleasure from a filth site makes me wonder if its more than him wanting to protect me and his child and that he just doesnt find me sexually attractive anymore.
He tried to explain again that it really isnt the case, I do believe him. He is such a good bloke, loves me to bits and does everything for me......but even when I mentioned foreplay he said he just cant. he said he thinks after the birth and when things get back to normal that he will want to again. Should I be worried? Its a long time before the birth and im unhappy.
He said ive made into a big issue and he may have gotten over it but he keeps thinking about the baby and it is off putting (understandably) he thinks I dont understand him, maybe I dont.

Please advise or if anyone else is going through this Id love to hear from you. Even if your the one who is the same as my partner. Need to understand before I go mad.

LOL I Know what you mean. Most of my exes I have caught with porn on their pc's and I suppose it does make you realise the reality. Having said that my now husband I have never caught with anything like that. He is more of a boff though (programmer) and more interested in his work than anything else (he is also older 40) I know my brothers do/have but could never have imagined my dad (a Dr) to do that stuff and I am pretty sure he didnt!! I just think that there are men who exist who are just not into the stuff even though most/many are.

Eeewwww, noddyrocks!,,, never even thought about my dad!!! :)
My hubby has stopped a little too, at the mo he's more interested in work, skiing bikes etc! Think he's stating to slow down a little! Can honestly say that our favourite nights together are just a early DVD night in bed with just cuddles and chocolate!!! I'm sure he wouldn't say no, but there's no pressure! Happy days!! Although now springs here I'm sure that'll change!!

i realise everyone feels differently about this...so i just want to give a different view on this...:P

your DP watching porn dosnt mean your inadequate or that he wants some other woman, or thats what he prefers, as people have said :)if thats what he prefered and what he wanted, he wouldnt have married/gotten with you in the first place.

also, i may be 29 weeks, but i probably watch much more porn than my DP dose. Mainly because i get bored and think "sod it, ive ran out of things to do.." or because my sex drive is pretty through the roof most of the time and its even worse now mwhaha. men masturbate too,and they are only human. sometimes i think women are too harsh on their men.

Copper it is gross :( but I was just trying to say there are men who I just cant imagine doing porn IYKWIM?

Bet my dad did!! He must if, he had 5 kids!!!! Shudder!! :)

Noddyrocks, not sure what the abbreviation is at the end, sorry :( only just figured out darling daughter/ son!!! :) pregnancy brain!

Snap, mine had 5 too! lol .......:) oh abv - if you know what I mean! :)

Errm maybe we should forget about the dad thing.....

Yes, good idea!! :)

It is really interesting to see others points of view.
I think for me its more about how I feel about myself, ive had bad experiences with men from a young young age and that has had an effect on me.

When I told my partner that I found porn on the laptop his first reaction was 'what'!!! but i ignored it and said how I tried to deal with it alone, that I told myself it was fine, he is human, and has needs too. he just went quiet. (this was over the phone). I told him that its ok, but that at first my heart sank. so I asked him if it were true and he said yes, again I had a chill.
Maybe I cant deal with it like others on here can, we have got intimate since posting this thread, he massaged my back and one thing led to another, after that we have been more touchy feely and cuddly. So I dont want to ruin that small bit I have got back by telling him I am not handling the porn very well.
I honestly dont know if its a frequent thing, or just the odd occasion. I dont know if I want to know.

I wish i could be more relaxed about it all, feel comfortable if we did watch it together. but I freak out if theres a sex scene on a film. Maybe Im messed up.
I dont know how to convince myself that he only wants me and although finds other women attractive doesnt mean he would rather have sex with them or touch them. Please tell me this is my hormones.

Babbled on abit there, sorry.

As for the dad thing, yuk. No way can I imagine that, too disgusting lol.

x

Sorry to put you all off lunch ...but... my mum broke down in tears with me once - years ago.

She told me that she had caught my dad masturbating in the bathroom.
Being a lot younger, I laughed my head off, thinking that was really funny.
Now I know how upset she would have been.
My dad is the last person in the world who I would imagine ( sorry wrong word?)doing any thing like that. He never even glances at other women!!

Some of your comments have brought back that bad memory

I'm sorry to hear your thoughts birchykel, sounds like your not relaxed at all at the mo!! Sounds like your a little insecure. I remember when my first experience of porn, and hated it, and felt just like you! I even hated watching films with sex scenes watching my husbands face for and desire what so ever! But at the end of the day, the problem was with me and I learnt over the years to chill out on things like that as I can take over your life and if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't! And let's face it, it's no fun time when your other half constantly on at you for looking at other women! Your partner sounds lovely and getting close is definitely going in the right direction! Sounds like the pregnancy is just effecting him a little bit! At the end of the day, women are from Venus and men are from mars, were completely different and see things like that in completely different ways! We take it to heart and personal as if it's against us and were not doing enough in the relationship to satisfy them especially with all the changes going on in your life! They see it as titillation and that's it! Watched, wanked and forgot about!!! Simple!!! Your in there mind all the time, and whatever there watching last 5 minutes if there lucky, and honey, there not looking at their faces wondering what it would be like to be with them! They want one thing and it's visual not emotional and it's over and done with, whether they look at porn or not!
I think you need to relax, forget about it and concentrate on having some nice evenings in together! Get dressed up, feel like a woman, even sexy with bump!! You can still have fun! Be open minded about it, the more you go on about it, the more he'll be uncomfortable and possibly want to do it more due to your relationship. When baby comes, it'll all change, I promise you x x x x x x big hugs x. X x

P.s, talk to him about all of this, how you feel, he'll respect you even more if you let him know what's going on inside your head, and hopefully know not to offend you and if the times right that you want to spice things up a little, it's done when you feel ready and not pushed x

My DP finds me very sexy right now, I'm only 11 weeks but already have a substantial bump for this far along. I went through a stage where I was put off sex but now we are definitely back to our old routine. TBH, I don't think porn is a big deal, I am very aware my DP uses it and it has never bothered me, though of course not everyone feels that way, which is fair enough. I do wonder how my DP will be when my bump is even bigger and the baby starts to kick though, I have a feeling he might feel a little funny about it then and I don't think that it is strange for men or even women to feel that way.

TBH, whatever you say now, he is going to feel rotten, maybe explain to him why you have this complex issue with this and work through it togeher.

I was pregnant and found not just porn on the laptop, but the tissue evidence next to it! Dirty bugger!

Although I just felt like he needed to have a release. We didnt have sex from 27 weeks onwards as I was in pain, but since the birth Im back to my usual self and its all fine! If anything, its better because Ive missed him.

Just relax, most men look at porn. Unless its animals, I wouldnt worry

Ewwww ren! :(

Birch, I just want to tell you it's ok to feel like that. I too have had bad experiences in my past and I know how it can play on your mind and break down your confidence. I really do feel for you because I know I would feel the same.
Maybe not everyone ( or no one :() agrees with me here but I just don't see why in this world where we have faught for womens rights and freedom we should suffer having to feel bad in our own homes with our own partners and just put up with it.
Ok many women can and thats fair play to them, but many women who have a history of abusive relationships with men in the past cannot come to terms with it and surely they shouldnt be forced to?

As women, would we feel happy doing something that we knew outright our partners would be upset about?
I think we would probably try not to at least or try and hide it as best we could.
I do understand the women here who can and have accepted that their partners watch porn and are ok with it but I also understand Birches reservations and how this can affect a relationship, especially at a vulnerable time.

Again thank u all so much for ur support, I am feeling better, not much but slightly. I'm just taking it day by day. No pressure. He is being so good and loving at the mo and I think if I mention anything it would upset him. Things will get better after the birth I'm sure.
I am insecure and my past hasn't helped but I'm working on it.
U guys have helped me see things differently too. I just need to get in my head that he loves and wants me and other women may be attractive and gorgeous but doesn't mean he wants them. As for the porn I don't think its a common thing for him but I can understand it means nothing more than a quick fix. But saying that I need to adjust cos still find it hard.
Thanks again and hope I can chat to u again.
Xx