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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

With newborn, how soon for visitors?

44 replies

apples82 · 03/03/2011 11:06

When you have just given birth, at what point do you allow visitors?

Of course everyone is eager to see you and the lovely new LO, but in my head I figure when I do give birth, i'd just want to get home with DH and LO and enjoy the first day or two as a new family.

Is it fair to ask your mother not to jump in the car once in labour, or that it would be insensitive to ask her to wait?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

iskra · 03/03/2011 11:10

It's so hard to plan for this in advance because you just don't know how you will feel! If it's possible to leave it flexible that's what I would do. Emphasise to your mum how keen you are for her to meet her grandchild but how you will wait & see how things are panning out...

We had to stay in hospital for 5 days with DD, & my mum came down the day after she was born. It was a godsend, because she did all the practical things that freed DP up to spend all his time with us. If your mum can be unobtrusive & practically helpful I would get her there as soon as, in my opinion! What was also brilliant for us is that my mum didn't stay with us but with a friend who lives nearby.

misty0 · 03/03/2011 11:13

In an ideal world your wishes should be repected. And how lovely to have a couple of days peace like that.

Personaly i had no say it it. Everyone seemed to turn up at once - every bloody day! Don't forget the midwife too.

Just wanted everyone to go away and leave me and my partner alone with babe. Selfish? Dunno. I probably should have said something - but as usual just smiled and put up with it.

pozzled · 03/03/2011 11:15

Depends completely on your relationship with your mother and other relatives. And also on whether they will outstay their welcome or will be happy to just pop in for half an hour and meet the baby.

In my case my mum was really helpful, she gave us a lift home from the hospital (neither DH or I drive) and picked up a few bits and pieces from mothercare etc. So she was in and out over the first couple of days, but never stayed very long and didn't interfere. We didn't see anyone else until about day 3 I think.

As for having anyone around when you are actually in labour - No, definitely not, unless they are an actual birth partner! If you think your mother is likely to jump in the car, then don't tell her until after the baby is born.

misty0 · 03/03/2011 11:16

iskra, your message was SO much nicer than mine :)

Coppernoddle · 03/03/2011 11:17

I had a home birth with my second and had mother in law there with us to look after my little girl while my husband was with me giving birth! Then for the rest of the day I just gave my orders and got her cleaning the house!! It was brilliant!! She cooked aswell freeing up time that we spent together as a family. Then the whole family piled round in the evening for a Chinese which was a little overwhelming and very tiring as all I wanted to do was go to bed! But wanted to show off my little one and the attention is nice! It's very difficult to know how your going to be after your first and usually people give you a few days anyway to settle in before all bombarding round to see little one. But the mother thing, could be more use than you think, especially in times like this, she'll be willing to do anything but definitely don't upset her, you need her on your side! Good luck, tricky subject!!! X x

Crawling · 03/03/2011 11:28

On ds I had vistors every day for 2 weeks. On DD I allowed one visit each, three for grandparents, but I made it so they had one visit the day DC2 was born by grandparents, then I had visiting days. DH set aside two visiting days for each side of the family and a extra one for mine because I have a larger family and grandparents could come up on the days when other family members were coming round. It sounds silly but it meant all visiting was done within a week of DD being born and I then had a week just me and DP and dc to settle things down and get back to normal.

DD born Wednesday, grandparents only visiting today and only 30minutes each leaving a hour for DP and DS.

Thursday my family

Friday DPs family

Saturday my family

Sunday DPs family

Monday my family.

No more visits till DPs paternity leave was up a week Wednesday which meant we hot some peace and quiet and I got all the visitors over with so I could relax and not worry or stress where if I knew they were coming tomorow I would not have enjoyed my private days as much it worked really well for usas I knew the visits would stop, plus when we tried to stop visitors coming straight up on DC1 there was arguments and no one listened.

nunnie · 03/03/2011 11:37

DS was born by EMCS so was in a couple of days had no visitors first day next day had my parents, and then my MIL who brought my DD with her. Then when we coame home, we had no visitors until the following day, then on day 5 my DS was admitted to hospital with Jaundice so me and him got another couple of days without visitors.

Then after that we got visits every few days and everyone brought food and took ironing so it was brill. Then after 3 weeks all were gone and DH was back to work and I felt quite alone as I couldn't drive.

So in my case I made the most of the visits and loved it.

Original poster

apples82 · 03/03/2011 11:38

Oh my, sounds to me like as much as I may like some quality time, everyone wants to see the baby!!! .

Oh well, maybe by the time they're out of nappies I'll be able to have a minute alone with LO and DH.

I guess I should just roll with the punches when the LO arrives, I doubt very much i'll be able to hold my mother off, she is a force of nature!

OP posts:

PipPipPip · 03/03/2011 12:21

One idea is to keep visits short. After an hour, you just announce "I am knackered and am going to lie down" and (pre-arrange) for your partner to say "yes, that is a great idea. I'd better get on with a few things..." to encourage the guests out of the door!

onadietcokebreak · 03/03/2011 12:25

My advice is when you text people to announce the birth. Add we will let you know when we are ready for visitors.

When you arrange a visit make it clear its only for 30mins and do not offer a cup of tea!

CameronCook · 03/03/2011 12:25

When you feel up to it - and keep visits short. Oh and make visitors earn their visit by getting them to make tea etc

Original poster

apples82 · 03/03/2011 12:37

Prob is, both sides of family have to travel for 1.5/2 hrs to see us, I don't think i've got the heart to kick them out after half an hour if they've travelled for two!

OP posts:

PipPipPip · 03/03/2011 12:40

Oh yeah, I didn't think of that Apples82.

Okay, new strategy - just stop thinking about it for now, and wait and see how everything goes.

There's a chance you'll be sky high from the hormones, and desperate to show everyone your wonderful baby. Or perhaps you'll want to lie down and cry.

So perhaps just tell your family "we're going to see how everything goes, and have you around as soon as we feel up to it".

No need to decide now.

mrspear · 03/03/2011 12:45

As mad as it sounds the one good thing about my DS being born early was the ban on visitors. For 3 weeks it was just me, DH and DS (plus medical staff!). It was great being so selfish. If allow myself to forget the fight for life; i can look back very fondly. I remember after we changed hospitals and family could visit; my mum came and it felt weird sharing our baby and seeing her hold him. I sound terrible!

But in your circumstances i would start telling family NOW that they should wait until you invite them!

LifeInTheSlowLane · 03/03/2011 12:45

I think it really depends how the birth goes and you have to see how you feel at the time. With DS1 I had a difficult birth and we didn't have any visitors for the first week. Like you, our relatives live a long way away so they'd be coming for the whole day or staying over and I just couldn't deal with that (plus I didn't want to get out of my PJs or brush my hair for the first week let alone "entertain" people - any my parents are definitely the type who would expect me to put on a feast for them rather than bringing a lovely homecooked meal to me!)

With DS2 we obviously needed people to look after DS1, so DSis and my parents came to the hospital while I was in labour and took DS1 off for a bit, then saw DS2 straight after the birth. With the second (and any subsequent DCs) I think life has to carry on so you don't have the luxury of being able to hide away and enjoy it with just your DP.

mrspear · 03/03/2011 12:45

Plus tell them they will be expected to make their own drinks and food!

iskra · 03/03/2011 12:49

oh, tell everyone they have to bring a meal for the freezer!

megansmummy1 · 03/03/2011 13:11

my mum said that when i was born, both sets of grandparents lived an hours drive away so they arranged to see them all a fortnight after the birth and then they unplugged the phone and she had my dad put a note on the front door saying "its a girl, name ...., weight ...., mother and baby fine but resting, please call back another day" !!!! Ah the days before technology eh?

Seriously though, only allow yourself helpful visitors who know where the kettle is and never refuse their help, my MIL did my ironing for nearly a month while i rested

catwhiskers10 · 03/03/2011 13:24

I thought I wouldn't want many visitors after having DD but I ended up desperate to show her off and loved everyone coming to see her. Luckily DH large family staggered their visits so it wasn't like I had loads of people at once (don't think I'd have liked that!)
I'm also lucky I had DD in the evening so I stayed in hospital overnight and didn't see anyone till the next afternoon, my SIL had her baby at midday and MIL came to visit about an hour after the birth while she was still in the labour room! And she still doesn't understand why SIL wasn't happy about it! I would have been furious at that!
Wait and see how you feel after the birth about visitors and if you want people to wait before visiting be polite but firm with them.

Scruffyhound · 03/03/2011 13:25

Most people visited in hospital I was only in overnight! I was sooo tired! People could not wait! But I must say it did lighten the load when going home my mum came with my husband (at the time) to pick me and my DS up from hospital. She stayed a few hours at mine made us a ll a cup of tea then left us alone. I asked people not to come and visit for a few days it was nice. I was in slow labour for a week in hopsital and was exhausted!! I did not mind people coming after that. However I did mind people coming up to visit from London and expecting us to make drinks and food we were sooo tired!! I said in the end you know where the kettle is! Depends how much you get on with your mum too. Mine was there for the birth with the now ex husband.

quasimodo123 · 03/03/2011 13:30

at megansmummy. Wondering whether I could get away with that ..... doubtful but worth a try

teenyanne · 03/03/2011 13:32

It depends on your relationship with your family i reckon.

My family all live 6-8 hours away, and were desperate to visit as soon as dc was born (first granchild), but when they were arranging it, they arranged to stay in a local hotel and brought us meals / did shopping / did laundry / washing up / the hoovering - basically everything so that me and dp could just learn how to be parents. They were such a great support, I would have been lost without them.

On the other hand, dh's family decided that they would stay with us and expected to be waited on - never even made their own cup of tea - not ideal when you are recovering from a traumatic birth, trying to be a new mummy and not getting any sleep whatsoever!

ShowOfHands · 03/03/2011 13:34

Depends how you feel.

I had people turn up the day after an emcs and I was sore, bleeding, hormonal and exhausted. They insisted on coming in and sat down for hours. I locked myself in the bathroom, bleeding through my trousers, breasts aching and sore, episiotomy wound throbbing and cried and cried until dh forced them to go away. I LOVED these people but I wasn't ready.

Your partner is your friend in making sure that your wishes are met.

NotSoPukeyMum · 03/03/2011 13:45

I spent the first two nights with DD in hospital, just because I had the option and wanted the support.

TBH, I had an okay labour and was running on adrenalin, so probably could have handled my Mum coming to visit whilst there.

PILs came on day three, once we were home. Bad idea. Day three is the boobs-on-fire (milk) and raging hormones day. Avoid visitors on day three!

All visitors MUST bring food for you and them, and something for the freezer. Parents/PILs must help with laundry and ironing. All visitors must be briefed on Facebook/photo etiquette. Any photos of you in your pyjamas are banned.

And visits must be capped to a few hours at most. My PILs stayed all day and I was trying to establish bf. Horrendous.

Absolutely no overnight guests.

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:54

Hard to know until you've had the baby, I would say. But it's your choice, so I would tell everyone you will let them know when you are feeling up to visitors.

With one of mine I felt knackered for a couple of days and the last thing I wanted was visitors - we got home from the hospital to find the inlaws on the step waiting for us - who then stayed for hours, with me drifting in and out of sleep on the sofa. I really just wanted them to p off so I could go to bed!

But with my youngest I felt fine and couldn't wait to show my baby off to everyone - so felt a bit disappointed when everyone kept away for a day!

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