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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

With newborn, how soon for visitors?

44 replies

apples82 · 03/03/2011 11:06

When you have just given birth, at what point do you allow visitors?

Of course everyone is eager to see you and the lovely new LO, but in my head I figure when I do give birth, i'd just want to get home with DH and LO and enjoy the first day or two as a new family.

Is it fair to ask your mother not to jump in the car once in labour, or that it would be insensitive to ask her to wait?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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mamsnet · 03/03/2011 13:58

I think people can get very carried away with their limits and even offend family sometimes but I really, really agree about Day 3.. You are not going to want to see anybody unless they are a very close female.. And possibly not even that..

Original poster

apples82 · 03/03/2011 14:28

Ok, new plan then.

Give birth.

See how we all feel.

Go from there !

OP posts:

frida75 · 03/03/2011 14:31

Luckily I had DS1 3 days before christmas and didn't come home till christmas eve so all family and friends were busy enjoying crimbo and left us alone for a while!

But DS2 was born at home and we counted that we had 37 people round in the first week!! I was bloody exhausted but so high and excited didn't say no to anyone.

I remember reading that some cultures have a 'babymoon' where mum, dad, bub and siblings shut them selves away for 2 weeks and get to know the little arrival. A bit like what megansmummy did. Wish we'd done that!!

JeelyPiece · 03/03/2011 14:35

I'm due in two weeks and also anxious about this. My mum is likely to want to turn up at the hospital while I'm in labour or at best be waiting at home for us to arrive if I'm only kept in a short time. I absolutely don't want this and jokingly said to her I won't tell her when I'm in labour to avoid her rolling up at the hospital - it was clear this would not go down well.

Also DH's mum lives a 4 hour drive away and is expecting to come up asap and stay over. We don't have room and I don't want anybody in the house overnight or for more than a couple of hours at a time but she never has any money (despite obviously having months of notice of this!) so awkward asking her to stay in a B&B.

I might have to run away with the baby.

Apples your plan of giving birth and seeing what happens sounds the only thing to do really, will have to join you!

Original poster

apples82 · 03/03/2011 14:37

Oh JeelyPiece I hope you manage to work it out with your two mothers, both sounds awkward!

I say have the baby then jump on a plane somewhere nice and secluded .

OP posts:

LittleMsH · 03/03/2011 14:46

Difficult one. I'm due early May and have already told everybody that we're having a week just as our new family and then immediate family can come round and then, a little at a time, friends. Family are fine with it, but I have told my mum that if she's needed then she'll get a call to come earlier.

But then yes, I might feel completely different!

mamsnet · 03/03/2011 14:52

If she's needed shell get a call! So why not have her around before to meet HER grandchild..

Original poster

apples82 · 03/03/2011 15:21

Mamsnet I understand that it would be her grandchild, but being a newborn first child, I would imagine wanting a bit of time to bond with the new baby, no passing LO around a room full of people

OP posts:

mamsnet · 03/03/2011 16:16

Yeah.. But there is a rooful of people and then their is your mother.

And I'll leave it at that.

mamsnet · 03/03/2011 16:16

There is... Sorry..

Misty9 · 04/03/2011 12:33

I think this is a difficult one. My brother and his wife had a baby last year and totally subscribed to the babymoon thing. In the event, they didn't text anyone to announce the arrival, didn't speak to anyone apart from parents for the first few days and banned all contact for the first two weeks.

Result? One pretty hurt family (parents, sibs etc) and the general feeling that we weren't allowed to celebrate his birth. It all blew up in the end as our mum lives abroad and my brother wouldn't let her stay over for the first few months. So mum didn't see her first grandchild until 4months old or so. Me and him also had a huge row and it's all still quite raw.

I'm now pg and hopefully will do things quite differently. I'll go for the whole 'see how we feel' but also won't be ruling out visitors for the first week or so - especially my mum! Of course it depends on the birth etc, but I think the birth of a baby is something for the whole family to celebrate! The original babymoon concept was actually for the mum and baby to bond whilst FAMILY helped out with cooking, cleaning etc so new parents don't have to worry about all that. It wasn't about banning visitors as far as I know.

It's whatever is best for the couple and their families I think.

misty0 · 04/03/2011 13:07

The trouble with 'waiting and seeing' is that if you're not prepared and partner is not prep'd on what to say on the phone when announcing the birth to parents, people have a habit of just turning up! Hospital and home.

Its been interesting and distressing for me to read this thread as it's bringing back many uneasy memories for me. You'd think with 3 goes at it i'd have sussed it out - but i'm worrying about this one already. (8weeks)

One is my mum bringing my 2 young daughters into hospital to see new babe no.3 LITERALY 10 mins after i'd finaly got into my ward bed and stopped baby crying. I was tired, sore, bleeding, tearful and didn't want to upset my older girls. Baby started screaming again and i didn't have the energy to be cheerful. Awful.

WHY didn't she ask??

oh4goodnesssake · 04/03/2011 13:38

I think that friends and family should think more about what's right for the new parents and less about what they want. Anyone is is offended and hurt by seemingly insensitive behaviour by people who have just experienced something as life changing as the birth of a new child should grow up. I hope if and when I become a grandparent I'll be mature enough to cut my children some slack, forget what I want and do what's best for them.

LittleMsH · 04/03/2011 15:10

mamsnet - My mum would get a call if I needed her advice/support with something and I think that's fine. Yes, it's her grandchild, but it's my firstborn and I want the option to spend time with us bonding as a family. And yes, it's my mother, but then it becomes, yes sister, brother, mother-in-law etc and it soon becomes a room of people. Granted, people who are close to you, but people who are close to you should also understand your desire to spend time bonding as a family. A few days, a week makes no difference. They have no 'automatic rights'. I feel very lucky to have such understanding parents/parents-in-law.

iloveholidays · 04/03/2011 16:27

I would just go with the flow - you don't know how you'll feel but people should understand if you want time on your own.

I had my mum in with me when I was in labour, then my MIL came in the delivery room once DD was born and stayed with my DP whilst I went for a shower with my mum's help. When I came back both sets of Dad's were also there!! To be honest, I didn't really care at this stage - was in completely shock that everything had gone so well and they were all sent home very shortly afterwards.

I stayed in hospital for 3 days after DD was born because my DD was tongue tied and wouldn't latch on and I loved having visitors whilst I was in hospital, as was on cloud nine, it breaks up the day a bit and they are limited as to how long they could stay. :) I got back home on a Monday and luckily didn't have many visitors until the following weekend so was nice to have a few days to ourselves.

But, I would seriously just go with how you feel at the time - if you have a relatively easy birth you might be more inclined to see people than if you have a difficult birth.

Good luck!!

hogsback · 04/03/2011 16:33

We only admitted visitors who brought cooked meals. They were then under strict instructions to make tea, wash up and piss off :)

starfishmummy · 04/03/2011 16:41

Try to linit early visitors to those who will help out and not the ones who expoect you to be running round making them tea.......

One of my visitors seemed determined to stay for the duration and eventually I offered a cuppa (cos I wanted one) at which point baby needed attention so I suggested that they put the kettle on while I saw to baby, as I would be a while. THey said it was OK, they'd wait. Grrrrrr!

NotSoPukeyMum · 04/03/2011 17:46

If you plan to bf, early visitors should be those who will be okay with sitting in the same room with you whilst you bf for an extended period of time, needed to get the milk flowing.

I got the impression that, even though I kept everything covered with a blanket, my FIL was not very happy to be sat there whilst I did so.

So I took myself off to the bedroom. At which point my MIL barged in. FFS!

They should have been kept away for another day or two.

hippy3 · 04/03/2011 17:54

this is a hard one and me and my DP had a heated discussion about when was a good time for visitors...

He has two weeks off for when the babies arrive, so we have told all family that we want the first two weeks for the four of us bonding ( we are having twins) Then have gladly invited his parents over from ireland for a week. They wont be staying with us but in a b & b 2 seconds away. His dad will probably go back after a couple of days and then his mum will be staying with us. But she is amazing and I am planning on getting her to help in any way she can...

My sisters are coming after this to stay for a week with me each as well..then friends are under instructions that they can come after family have been over to help..... we just decided that we wanted the first 2 weeks it being just the four of us...we are hoping to shut the door not get dressed, and spend time bonding with our boys. Phones off no internet, also dont know how I am going to feel after the birth, or in general??. And dont want to feel like I have to entertain. I have allready told my friends what the plan is and everyone is VERY understanding. My DP goes back to work after 2 weeks and we wont get that time back, Even his mum who is a typical irish mum understands the need for us to bond as a family.

I am saying this now...you watch when they are born Ill want everyone around to show them off..... And IF that happens then so be it ...but thats our plan at the moment..x Good luck with it all. I think its hard to know how you will feel after. I certainly wouldnt worry about offending anyone..its your new family after all. . oh and I second everything that everyone else has said about getting people too cook for you, all my friends who have had kids said its invaluable... x

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