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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Why am I still sad I'm having a boy? :(

32 replies

crazybubbasmummy · 28/02/2011 12:35

2nd boy and just feel really disappointed he's not a girl

I found out 2 weeks ago and thought give it some time and it will pass and thought once it sunk in I'd be over the moon

I've told myself I'm incredibly lucky to have a healthy baby and all the good things about having 2 boys and I believe all of this and felt fine

But everyone else I know are having girls and found out today another friend is having a girl and have just felt extremely jealous and want to cry

I know I'm bad feeling this but I can't shake it :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ShowOfHands · 28/02/2011 12:40

You will shake it, you will. Gender disappointment isn't a rational thing. You know you're having a healthy baby and I bet you do feel lucky about that. It's perfectly possible to acknowledge what you do have, but feel sad about what you won't. You don't actually understand how gender disappointment feels until it happens and then you feel guilty and shocked on top of it because the rational part of your brain tells you it shouldn't be so upsetting.

Atm you know one thing about your baby and that's what's between his legs. It actually tells you nothing about the unique, wonderful person he will be. How you feel about ds1, that all consuming and wonderous love you have will be the same for ds2, though I imagine you can't believe that now.

2 weeks is no time at all. Be gentle on yourself. If you feel unbearably sad or it's affecting you day to day, talk to your midwife. Otherwise, plan for your baby. Do what you normally would. There is every chance that once that little boy is in your arms, this will seem a world away.

nicklenackle · 28/02/2011 12:45

It's not a case of being 'bad', nobody can help their thoughts or feelings - it's just not possible to prevent something popping into your head. Give yourself more time, how far along are you? Was this your 20 week scan?

I felt fleetingly disappointed when I found out my second was another girl because I thought she would be our last and I felt sad that I wouldn't have the experience of having a son (now pg with 3rd btw - no idea what we're having yet!) Please don't beat yourself up about it. Even if you feel this way all the way through, I bet you won't once he actually makes an appearance :)

buttonmoon78 · 28/02/2011 12:48

Cry. It's entirely ok to feel grief because you're not getting what you wanted, especially if you had planned things for you and your daughter (no matter how future or fanciful).

You will feel better soon if you allow yourself to grieve and you will then be happy to welcome your healthy son when he arrives.

If you want to talk, do talk to your midwife. I would be careful who else you talk to as many people won't admit to feeling strong preferences one way or another and might well be unkind.

Please just give yourself some time. It will be ok. I promise.

MrsJamin · 28/02/2011 13:00

Can totally understand your sadness, I've been there, but two boys are lovely together. I think generally that most people would prefer a sibling of the same gender, and that is what you've provided for your DS1. I'm still a little jealous of the cute outfits you can buy for little girls but I make the most of buying gifts for friends' girls and my niece. When you see DS2's face for the first time you will fall in love and won't wish he was a girl, as he will be yours.

babybumpx · 28/02/2011 13:08

I have two boys...I really would love a Daughter, I find out on the 10th with the 3D scan, when I told a friend that if im having a boy I will cry, she said that is terrible which made me feel like a terrible person!

I do understand how are you feeling, i believe it ok to feel sad as you probably got your hopes very high as I have but like everyone else says, dont be so hard on yourself, you will love this baby and he will bring so much joy into your world.

I dont know if you plan to have more after this one but you never know, failing that we will all have beautiful Grand Children :)

TallulahDoesTheHula · 28/02/2011 13:11

What a lovely post showofhands

OffToNarnia · 28/02/2011 13:27

I hope you feel better soon. I have 2 young boys and feel very lucky. I was pregnant with a girl once but the pregnancy didn't go to full term. Maybe because of this I just feel I am 'meant' to have boys. It is not a rational feeling I guess but I just feel my boys are such a gift. My goodness I sound soppy and odd! I am in my 40s and won't have any more kids. When you have your little boy I am sure/hope you will be overwhelmed with love. As others have said - be gentle with yourself. Good luck!!

tothesea · 28/02/2011 13:34

I am pregnant with my second and last baby. I already have a DS and I am having another boy.
I was disappointed and so was DS, he had asked for a sister But that is why we found out at 20 week scan so that I would have time to get my head around it
and to be honest it was other people saying 'Oh are you disappointed?' in that tactless way that folk do - that made me want to stick up for my unborn DS.. I just felt like 'how can you say that about him - of course I am not disappointed!!!! My reply was 'I just want to have a baby, after all it did take us two years to concieve' that shut em up!
It did take a few weeks to get over it but now I am so used to the idea it is fine. I can't imagine having a girl now - I am entirely focused on having two sons.
I am sure you will get over this. Forget about cute clothes and girly things - think about when he is born and looking into his eyes for the first time.

rococopops · 28/02/2011 13:37

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Secondly, please don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. I have two beautiful boys and a third on the way so I can relate to how you feel. For me I found it hard to ignore the silly comments, are you trying for a girl etc but thats all it is silly assumptions based on other peoples stereotypes. I realised too that as ShowofHands said it's an individual that your growing inside you, forget all your friends having girls, your baby is the most precious thing to you at the moment. As others have said 2 weeks is no time at all and I promise you this feeling will pass. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I knew now the pure joy that these boys would bring me then I would have enjoyed my pregnancy a whole lot more.

Give it time, it will all be OK once you are holding him in your arms.

snotdroolanddirtybums · 28/02/2011 16:45

i felt the same when i found out dc2 was a boy. now i have 3 boys and they are great! wouldnt change them for the world. they get on so well and im so proud of them. im now expecting dc4! and hope its another boy . you will get over the fact that your having another boy and they will get on really well

BuckBuckMcFate · 28/02/2011 16:54

Lovely, lovely post ShowOfHands.

My 'disappointment' has just smiled his big gummy heartmelting smile at me and I can't believe now that I felt the way I did when I found out he was a boy. (3DS, 1DD)

But as SOH said, it is grieving for what you haven't got not what you have.

And I still felt it knowing how lucky I was to be having a healthy baby following a mc. Emotions don't always make sense, you are not bad for feeling this way.

Stokey38 · 28/02/2011 16:58

I was the same when I found out I was having DS but now I love having a boy. He is amazing and I love him to pieces and can't believe I ever wanted him to be a girl. Am sure it will get better for you as well.

Original poster

crazybubbasmummy · 01/03/2011 18:17

thank you everyone for your help i feel much better after reading everyones post dont feel as bad for feelin bad xxx

OP posts:

humanfraggle · 02/03/2011 15:32

I haven't even found out what this one is going to be yet (currently 14+5 so a few weeks to go yet before 20 weeks, definitely going to find out, if possible).

BUT I've done all the gender predictions online and everything says I'm having a boy - and I'm gutted! I feel so guilty for being gutted (especially when it's not even confirmed yet!!) especially when this is a very much wanted 2nd baby

But I have a 1 yr old DD and am desperate for her to have a sister, all I wanted when I was younger was a sister (not my brother who's 6 years older, who I don't get on with at all, but that's another story). Maybe that's it, because I don't get on with my brother??

Please tell me I'm just being stupid and hormonal!!

Gurraun · 09/03/2013 06:19

Hi OP

No wise words but yesterday found myself in just your position and wonder how you feel a week or so on. I also feel terrible for feeling this way even though RL friends also say it is normal to feel sad about what you won't have etc. However I want to stop feeling this way and just feel excited about having another lovely little boy.

Sorry for self indulgent post hack - really do hope you are feeling better.

beckie90 · 09/03/2013 09:07

Firstly congratulations on your baby :) secondly you can't help how u feel and the thoughts its just the shock, but I can guarantee you that will change :) I'm pregnant with my 3rd ds, I was convinced he was a she (i knew my other 2 were boys) and when I found out he was a he I was so shocked, I knew before that I'd be fine either way and I loved the baby, but was so shocked to hear boy, but looking at my 2 boys together I now feel incredibly lucky to have been given a 3rd one of these little blessings, and couldn't be happier now. Thing with gender is, you have to think what is gender exactly? It's not important at all when you think about it, the difference is only between there legs, they each become the own unique little person, take my nan for example she has 2 girls and 1 boy, my uncle is more feminine then my mum and my aunt :) I always wanted the mother daughter relationship, but there's no guarantees it would be like that. This is what I've told myself anyway. But did feel exactly like you, but in time you will be fine and he will be loved exactly same. Chin up OP xxx

Mosman · 09/03/2013 09:28

When you have girls they are the princess when ypou have boys YOU are the princess of the house. Enjoy !

Gurraun · 09/03/2013 09:33

Thanks Beckie and Mosman - lovely words from both of you. X

looneytune · 09/03/2013 09:50

Felt the same way too! When I found out ds2 was a boy I grieved for the girl I'd never have, not for him being a boy as such. Also, ds1 wanted a sister, my niece cried as she wanted another girl in the family which made it harder. Fast forward 4 years and a had a little surprise that there would be a dc3! After getting over being pregnant again and all the issues that caused, I began to wonder if I'd get my little girl after all. I was pretty sure from the start it was another boy, just a feeling and yet STILL I cried to myself in the bathroom after having that confirmed, as I had that little hope of a surprise baby girl. Again not helped by both ds1&2 wanting a sister, again my niece cried (even though now 12!) when she found out. I had someone hold my hand and say 'oh no' when I said it was a boy and that made me quite upset even though I know they didn't mean it like that. I just told everyone I was pleased he was healthy and I became very protection of him. Since then I focussed on all the positives of having 3 boys, no need for a loads of extra toys etc. and can't imagine a girl now. Every now and then I have a little wobble (when feeling very hormonal) but generally I am fine apart from struggling with names!

Anyway, you'll be fine, just give yourself time but don't feel bad for feeling how you do, it's quite common :)

ButteryJam · 09/03/2013 09:57

Will thinking about how happy your son will be to have a brother help?

Gurraun · 09/03/2013 11:58

I can see there are lots of positives to 2 boys. I just feel irrationally sad and worried I won't love him as much so it is good to hear that that won't be the case and that this won't take over my life - even if in years to come I have the odd sad moment about what might have been :-)

jellybeans · 09/03/2013 13:04

I have both DDs and DSs and both are equally lovely. It is also lovely to have two or more of the same gender growing up together. I even love buying boys clothes just as much!

BangOn · 10/03/2013 07:38

i had the same thing in reverse when i found i was expecting dd2. i think what helped was realising my feelings were nothing to be ashamed of.

dd2 is now 3. she and her big sister are a real team in a way that i don't think.would be if they were of different sexes. i wouldn't want things any other way. not that i wouldn't still love to have a son, but it doesn't feel like a desperate need the way it did when i was pg. sorry if this souns like a stealth boast btw.

Gurraun · 10/03/2013 15:06

Thanks again all - today did think how nice it would be when I am old(er) and grey to be loved and looked after by 2 strapping lads whereas before I'd just imagined the wedding dress shopping etc I'd never have!!

Bang on - not a stealth boast at all and actually helps a lot to see that is natural to mourn what you don't have rather than build up in my head that women who only have girls don't wish they had a boy because the mother/daughter relationship is so special (if that makes any sense).

BangOn · 10/03/2013 21:47

that does make sense. i suppose because my own relationship with my mother has always been rocky, i wouldn't have thought of it that way. boys can be so sweetly protective of their mothers & you don't get that queen-bee rivalry in the teen years. i've literally just found out today i'm expecting dc3 so i suppose this issue is going to resurface!

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