Husband wanting to go on stag doo?

[hilltop666]

Just had a bit of a row with my husband as he suggested going on a stag doo 3 wks before my due date, I know that chances of me going this early are very slim esp with first baby, but im sure there's still a chance!

He says he doesn't believe I would ever go this early but I said its not really worth the chance is it!? (stag doo would be a flight away too)

Was also cross cos im saving like mad so i can have a few months off on maternity leave, as i only get 6 wks paid and the fact that he would probably blow about £600 on this in total really annoyed me!!

Wish he would have argued as i was so cross about it but he just agreed - im just upset that he didnt come to this conclusion himself without me having to say so!
Am i being unreasonable??

YANBU to ask him to review his priorites given you are about to have a child together.

YABU to be still sulking - he saw that what you were saying was logical and agreed with you. I know you are pg and hormonal but really........

(Good luck with the birth and baby btw )

Let him go and then book a girls weekend away..when there is an important sporting event on you know he wants to attend...!!!

xx

stag do

not stag doo

that's something rather different!

I'd let him go. It's probably going to be the last time he gets out like that for a long time. The chances are that you'll go over with your first anyway.

Let him go and keep the kudos in reserve!

I can totally see where you are coming from.

What a typical man - but not a bad one as he did agree.

Id still be fuming that he thought it was even worth asking about though.

BTW, I had my first 3 weeks and 1 day early.

I then had my second 3 weeks and 1 day early.

Don't under estimate the unpredictability of birth!

My partner went on a stag do (for his brother in law to be) 3 weeks before my due date with the first. He was only a train ride away though. I wasn't worried about giving birth early & I figured he could always get a cab back! (expensive journey though). In the end DD was 2 weeks late anyway.

Where is it?

When I was pregnant last time, DH had bought a Glastonbury ticket (I would have been 32 weeks, with twins). I thought this was too close, as he wouldn't have been able to get off site and home in an emergency. Eventually he agreed, and sold his ticket. That happened to be the weekend that everything went tits up - DTD1 was stillborn and DTD2 was born, obviously quite prem and little.

This time, he has decided not to go on a stag do to Poland when I will be 29 weeks. This may have something to do with the fact that my response was "You can go, I won't stop you, but f you're not there and something goes wrong you will find divorce papers on your return".

Totally depends on how far away it is and if he can get back if you need him.

YANBU - dd1 came 3 1/2 weeks early (totally unexpected)....
my husband and I missed two stag and hen do's last summer with imminent arrival of dc3. in the end she came on time but you can never be sure. You did the right thing!

it does seem to be a bit of a trend, normally nice guys suddenly getting a hugely selfish streak and insisting on an expensive and impractical 'final holiday' just before a baby is born 'because they deserve it'.

looking at your comment about maternity leave i would be having a bit of a convo about the way your finances are arranged: how the two of you are going to decide as a family how to apportion your income when there are 3 of you to cover. take a very calm and realistic look at your finances, what's going where, what costs you're expecting. TBH i wouldn't be expecting you to self-fund your maternity leave, surely as a family you have a joint income and joint available cash which you both agree where it goes. you do not want to get into a situation where somehow you are responsible for covering all your DC's costs and somehow DP's money is his alone.

then if he still feels you can afford him going away, you get to have £600 spent on you having a lovely relaxing weekend at the same time and you both agree what you're going to cut down on in order to fund that £1200 spend...

He asked.
You said you didn't want him to go.
He isn't going.

What is the problem?

And FWIW I would have let him go. It's only a weekend and you're pregnant, not ill.

problem is it all gets symbolically loaded, this kind of issue, doesn't it? He is in essence saying 'I just want to run away from the reality of having a child for a bit' and she is unsurprisingly left feeling 'you WHAT????!!!'

Bloody men! They get ridiculous about these things! My DH has finally come to his senses and started to realise he can't do everything and he cant go on every stag do. He will be missing a stag do in April (I'm due with DC3 in May) partly because I'm pregnant and exhausted, but mainly because we have to prioritise what money is spent on, especially now we have 3rd child on the way. I always get cross about this and finally husband realises that we should use what money we have on the family, not on a drunken boys weekend away!!!

oh, also my DD1 arrived 2 weeks early and friend of mine's arrived 3 weeks early - you just never know!

ds1 arrived 3 weeks early, ds2 arrived 2 weeks and 6 days early.

3 weeks would be too close for me too, particularly a flight away.

'He is in essence saying 'I just want to run away from the reality of having a child for a bit' and she is unsurprisingly left feeling 'you WHAT????!!!''

HUh? Why is everything so loaded, could he not (and this is a stretch, so bear with me) just want to go on holiday? YOu know, those thigns that people go on, ooh, I don't know, all the time?

i know im being unreasonable by still being cross when he didnt really argue- but i was just shocked he would even consider it!

my DH will not argue and it very rarely pisses me off but i just wanted to shout at him- must be hormones cos ive fell out with him twice this wk and we havent rowed for about 6 mths!!

stag is in newcastle- we are in NI- so not really handy!!

omaoma- think i gave the wrong impression on the money front he will contribute equally but im saving more so i can actually have a life and spoil the wee one when im off not just pay the bills and no more! I also earn alot more than him and i guess im just used to my luxuries!

ilythia- im nowhere near ill- have had a great pregnancy so far tbh but i would be devestated if he missed the birth!

maybe i'm way too hormonal when pregnant, but things really felt like a big deal to me. from the sound of OP I thought she might feel the same way.

You sound very level headed! Can i borrow a few of your genes for DC?

I know how you feel. I'm the same...I wouldn't want my DP to go, I know its selfish, but while being pregnant the whole "I need one final blow out before the baby arrives" arguement hasn't really washed (he hasn't tried it to be fair) your both having a child and it shouldn't only be one person making sacrifices. I am massively hormonal though.

Your in the right dont worry. I remember my ex husband wanting to go ti India to be best man I would of been 32 weeks preggers. I said its up to you but what if you miss the birth of you son? It was my first pregnancy as well so I was a bit scared.
(This is also the same arse hole that let me at 8 months pregnant and with a recovering disslocated knee go to my dad house on my own to pick up some clothes for my dad who had been sectioned that day as he was scitzophrenic. I think this pissed me off the most. As I could hardly walk and he was too busy on world of warcraft that really hurt my knee and my emotions).

Im now pregnant for the 2nd and last time!! Im with someone else and he does not want to go anywhere incase! Its quite weird.

YANBU. My DH asked me whether he could go and play bridge (yes I know ) the evening of my due date. When we were standing in the kitchen watching my waters trickle down my leg. I like to think that he wasn't being that serious....

I don't think they fully understand how scary things are from our end.

I'm only 14 weeks but my DH mentioned he would like to go to a family wedding overseas 1 week after I'm due. It took him a while to realise that I might not have had the baby by then or if I had he would be leaving me alone with a newborn.

Sometimes I swear they are on a different planet.

I totally relate to this! It seems there are a few issues:

• the money
• the distance
• the proximity to your due date
• perhaps that he'll be drinking and having fun?

Would you be as upset if he was going away to a work conference? Would you feel better if he was going to a stag weekend in the next town? Or do you generally feel unsupported?

I suspect that the money and feeling of being unsupported are more important than the likelihood of actually going into labour.

Anyway, my point is that its worth working out exactly what is upsetting you about this. Perhaps you could talk through the specific issues and come to a compromise? eg.

• that he holds off from committing until closer to the date (so you can see how the pregnancy is progressing)

• that he goes for a shorter amount of time

• that he doesn't go, but instead has a "big night out" with the groom locally

• that he goes, but under certain conditions (calls home regularly, tries to pace himself)

• that he goes, but understands that he'll need to give you a weekend off once the baby is born

I'd say stick to your guns and don't feel guilty.

My boyfriend was due to go on a stag do when I was 36 weeks pregnant... he was planning on heading up north at 6am on the Friday morning... my waters broke at 4am on the Friday... DD was born at 8:50pm!!! Luckily he would have only been 4-5 hours ago, however he would have missed a lot.

I'm currently 33+ weeks pregnant and luckily he's not taking any chances this time - no more awake trips with work until baby is born!! :)

What I would say though is explain to him how important it is that he is there to support you, you could go into labour at anytime and that you want him there for the birth of his child.

Good luck with the birth!

Hi Hilltop, I can totally relate to that horrible feeling when your partner won't argue back, takes all the fun out of a disagreement. I would also say don't get too hung up on the fact that he didn't manage to come to the sensible conclusion that he shouldn't go all by himself. I really don't agree with some of the posters here that he automatically becomes a selfish arsehole for even considering that he might go. There are plenty of women who post on this forum asking for advice for about going on holiday late in pregnancy and they aren't viewed in quite the same way. Yes it would have been nice if he'd thought the consequences through for himself but sometimes you just need to say things out loud before reaching the right conclusion.

I'm finding waiting for our first child to be born pretty abstract at times and when thinking about the future I find I don't always have a full grasp on what my responsibilities are going to be so I don't see why I should expect my DH to be any different.

Good luck with everything hope you're feeling better about this after a good nights sleep.

TBH I would not have a problem with him going on a stag do (DP went on a work trip to Belgium, a stag do and to a footie match in my last 3 weeks of pregnancy).

However I would have a big issue with him spending £600 on the stag do, that amount of money could have kept me going for 2 months of my MAT leave.