I thought I wanted a second child but am horrified now that I am pregnant.

[newname3]

For the last 2+ years I have desparately wanted to have a seond child. Desparate can also be interpreted as crazy as I used to convince myself every month that I was pregnant ony to be crushed when I was not. It was the main thing on my mind all the time and I truely yearned for it. DP and I did not "try" for a second but we also did not avoid it as I was so certain that this was something that I really wanted.

About three weeks ago I woke up with the very clear belief in my mind that under no circumstances did I want a second child and two weeks later I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. I have felt absolutely numb for the last week. I am shocked that my feelings could change so dramatically and feel disgusted and ashamed for putting myself and DP in this position. I don't understand what has happened, there are no changes in circumstances, I'm just very sad and cannot see a single good reason to proceed with the pregnancy.

I don't know what to do next because I cannot believe that my feelings can change like that and I don't want to make a decision that I will regret later. Has this ever happened to anyone else and if so how did you manage this?

evrything happens for a reason .......

My situation is a little bit different - we can only have children with fertility treatment, and I was so convinced that the treatment wouldn't work second time around (due to age) that it was a complete shock that I was pregnant and I realised that I hadn't mentally prepared myself for another baby at all. It was all fine in the end, and we all love DD2 to bits.

I would give yourself a little bit longer to get used to the idea. What is it about a second child that you don't want, or are scared about?

I have two main fears. First is that DP suffered very bad depression after DC1 and still has problems from time to time. I dread this happening again with a second child as I could not cope with two children, work, taking care of the home and DP suffering and unable to help.

Second, I know that my time with DC1 and DP would be a lot less and I fear that affecting our relationships badly. Right now I just envisage a total stranger invading my family and don't think I could love it.

There is also the normal problem that we would have to move house as our flat is tiny and financially we would be a lot worse off although we would manage.

But I knew all of these things before and for some reason thought it would all be fine but now I just feel sick with dread.

This didnt happen to me, however I dont think its unusual to be less 'elated' about a 2nd pregnancy. I certainly didnt have the same feeling of joy, maybe you are just more circumspect as you know the birth and initial hard work is ahead of you and it can be difficult to imagine yourself loving someone else as much as your firstborn - but as every mother will attest - you love them just as much.
Certainly dont make any decisions in this state of mind.

If you have been 'trying' for two years, was this not just your minds way of protecting yourself from the fear that it was not going to happen again? And now that it has, you are just shocked?

i had similar feelings when i concieved dd - i had prev lost a baby and after a few years of not actively trying, but not doing anything to prevent it, imagining symtoms and being devestated each month my period came, i finally got pregnant again. When i did the test i just burst into tears and thought oh my god what have i done?! I think i had put all hopes it would happen and start to tell myself it would be better if it didnt iykwim? However, when the news sunk in, i was over the moon.

Thinking of you and sending warm wishes. Every thing happens for a reason :)

that's exactly how I feel right now itsybitsy08, just an overwhelming, what the hell have I done, feeling.

DP is concerned about me making a decision that I will regret because he cannot understand this complete 180 on the way I feel. He says he will support me either way but he does not really want a second child, he's happy with just DC1.

Can I ask how long or what it took for you to absorb the news and feel good about it?

test

We started trying for a second child last autumn and I got pregnant almost immediately - and although my feelings weren't as extreme as those you describe, I certainly wasn't overjoyed - looking back I'm sure it was shock as I didn't expect to conceive so quickly, we are in the middle of building a house and the timing was just all wrong. I also had really strong feelings of letting my ds down (he was just over one at the time) as he would no longer be my one and only child, and would get so much less attention as a result.

However, as the weeks went on I became happier about it, but unfortunately had a mc at 6 weeks, and was devastated.

Thankfully I am now pregnant again and delighted (but anxious in case I mc again).

I think your feelings are probably a combination of shock at having finally managed to conceive, and as others have suggested, you have probably been subconsiously protecting yourself. Also it's clear that there were issues with your DP re another baby and that's bound to be causing you anxiety - I'm sure you're worried that to some extent you're doing it on your own as he is not commited to the idea of a second child. This was certainly part of my worry as my DH was so busy building the house I knew I would be shouldering the majority of childcare (not the same situation I know, but there are parallels).

I don't know if any of that helps at all, but I hope so. I really hope that once you've had time to take it all in you will start to be happy about the baby. And however long it takes, I am absolutely sure that when it is here, you will be able to love it more than you can imagine, and these worries will be a distant memory! xx

Just wanted to test this as I am going to give you a different perspective.

I had the same thing - we weren't being terribly careful and I sort of thought if I got pregnant again we would be happy etc.

Except didnt happen like that, complete shock, surprise, BIG age gap and I was devastated.....

I couldn't believe how I felt, my dh was very clear he was happy as we were ( with one) and was realistic as to how much support he could be for no2 ( same as no1 - rather rubbish) he was honest with me about his feelings, but also that he would go with wahtever I wanted to do as it was my body.

I had a shitty 1st preg found babyhood awful, felt isolated ,out of control and basically prob had PND...love dc1 to bits now - but suddenly realised I couldnt do this again.

So I had a termination.

I know there are some very strong views on this and I am not inviting comment on the personal decision that my dh and I made as we are both comfortable with the decision we made.

But to the best of my knowledge I did not want to go through that again without knowing that it wouldnt tear my exisitng lovely family apart. And because I couldnt guarantee that felt that was my decision.

I am not suggesting this is the path you take - could you have a little prenatal depression brought on by the pg that is colouring your view.

FWIW I had several hours of counselling before I made my decision which I found incredibly useful......and maybe something you want to consider?

HTH

From what i can remember, it maybe took two/three weeks. I think when i went for the booking in appointment with the midwife and she asked if baby was planned or not. I remember thinking 'well yes it was. It was. Its happened, its finally happened, its real' and it seemed to sink in and i made peace with it. To get to the over the moon stage was more gradual, as each week passed i got more and more excited until all those inital feeling had disappeared. I would agree with your dp about not making any rash decisons just yet - give your feelings a chance to settle. Its good he is so supportive, and there for you.

I can understand your fears about coping with a second. For what it's worth, I think that you have already gone through the biggest and most difficult adjustment because you have gone from no children to one. I found the second baby easier, not because she was an easy baby (neither were), but because I was more confident as a mother, and because both DH and I had much lower expectations - we didn't expect the baby to sleep through soon, we didn't expect to get anything done in the early weeks, we didn't expect to have any kind of order in our lives.

It might be that having a second baby would be a really big strain on you, as it would have been to notsure - I don't believe that the whole family should sacrifice everything - the parents' marriage, the sanity of the Mum, the happiness of the other children - for the sake of a baby who isn't here yet. But I think that you are still in shock and in no place to make that kind of decision yet. The suggestion of counselling is really good.

Thank you notsure102, all the replies are helping mainly because I can see that I'm not the only person that's gone through this. I feel relieved at that.

I am thinking a lot about termination at the moment and whether it is the right thing for me or not. I went to see my doctor this morning and burst into tears as soon as I sat down and cried the whole way through the appointment. I don't know if it was relief to be talking about it or what as I had't cried up til then. She also suggests counselling and I have a further appointment with her on Friday. She has asked me to try to come to a decision by then.

I am very scared about the impact of having another child would bring on my family. DP is manging pretty well right now and certainly finds dealing with a five year old much easier than a baby and life has been really good for the last couple of years. The age gap would also be quite large and it makes me sad to think of how much DC1 would miss out on time with me.

I just need to somehow clear my head and do the right thing for me and my family and it really does help to hear about other people's experiences.

im now 12 weeks pg with my 3rd dc, my dp was the one who really wanted another, more than me but i did come round to the idea and really wanted to make him happy, but after i got pg i did feel similar to you and although i would not have an abortion i was feeling very confused and dreading what was to come, in the last few weeks this feeling has gone and since having the scan and seeing the baby im really excited, i know and you know that it is hard, can be very isolating and completely takes over your life, im nervous about how another baby is going to affect everything but i know we will cope and will be fine, the first year is the hardest and then you start getting a bit of the old you back!

What im trying to say it that it could be your hormones playing with your mind, i get very very affected by pg hormones but im 12 weeks now and they are calming and im feeling a lot more in control, so bear with it, having 2 children is fantastic and its so good for them to have a brother or sister
xxxxxx

Your eldest is 5? So will be at school for a largish part of the first year? That would make things much easier on you. I had a small gap and was a bit jealous of friends who could concentrate on the baby while the eldest was at school, while I was juggling a newborn and a toddler (who still needed a lot of practical input and a lot of cuddles). The baby would also nap in the day, which can be quality one-on-one time for the eldest.

It would be a bit of a shock to have to have to get back into the whole nappies/breastfeeding or bottles/everything off the floor thing again, but most people find that it comes back again very quickly.

But, as I said, just because it usually isn't as bad as you fear, doesn't mean that it's the right thing for you. There are lots of women who have a third child and love it, but I would still be terrified if I was pregnant with a third - we're all different.

I too went to the doctor and just cried through the whole appt.... it didnt help that she wouldnt entertain what I was saying to her about how devastated I felt, how it was all down to me but just told me that I'd be OK and I'd 'cope'- which I really felt demonstrated that she wasn't listening to me so I went and independently got some counselling and ultimately privately had a termination.

I was also about 5weeks

I have not told Anyone in RL about this other than DH. I have really struggled with the only child thing and ironically the whole experience really settled my mind about doing the best for my family and ultimately and really most importantly me.

My eldest would be in school MrsTittleMouse and you are right that it should make things easier as DC1 would be out of the house a lot of the day. I know other people manage two children and it works perfectly I just don't feel confident that I can. Also DC1 never napped during the day for more than about 10 minutes at a time would you believe, sometime she was awake from 11am til 11pm. I'd forgotten about that.

I also remember being exhausted and I did have PND for a short time after DC1 - even informing DP that we were not able to take care of her and had to take her back to the hospital so she would be looked after properly. I cried a lot at that time and as soon as my PND ended DP's started. I absolutely dread a repeat of that with another child to look after.

I'm going to add my experiences, as it sounds like hearing where other people have been is helping you. In a flash of hormones, I decided I was ready for dc2 - assuming it would take months to happen. A couple of days later the ovulation hormones calmed down, but found out a few weeks later I was pregnant. Was terrified - scared of how I'd cope (ds was only 1 1/2 when I found I was pregnant), felt like I wasn't ready, felt like I was robbing ds of his babyhood etc. Floods of tears and discussions of terminations. Much confusion from poor old DH .

As others have said, I think there's a big difference between the emotional idea that 'another baby would be nice', and the reality of 'OMG, I'm having another baby". Give yourself some time & space, and don't expect to have the same elation you might have had with the first one.

(I had dd, btw - I have to say the pregnancy never felt as exciting as the first one, but after the first week weeks, I enjoyed it)

I can't believe that I can only see negatives everywhere. Just last month I was sad because I wasn't pregnant and here I am pregnant and just as sad. I feel just awful.

I think also I'm not helped by the fact that a lot of our friends have two+ children and each time tell us how thrilled they are to be pregnant and how marvellous and easy everything is now they have more children. It makes me feel even worse so again it's a great relief to hear that other people felt depressed or shocked at first and still went on to have happy pregnancies.

I really do not know what I'm going to do though. I certainly do still feel in shock. I think counselling may be a good plan.

I always say that the best cure for broodiness is to become pg. The reality hits and all those feelings and longings are fulfilled and you wonder what the hell you have done.
I've kind of spent the past year adapting the house for dc3, getting the right car etc and now I'm pg I am terrified!

I hope you and your DH can sort this out and you can come to a decision you are both happy with.

NN3,

The counsellor I spoke with asked me to talk about what I was scared of with having a baby and I'm afraid my list of 'things' was very long ,ranging from my own mental health, to the health of my marriage, the impact on dc1 and how I could see my life with a baby.

I cried through most of the counselling as the only positive aspect that I could come up withhaving a baby was that if me and dh died dc1 would have a sibling.......not really the most convincing argument ( although a valid one though probably not on its own)

I also had issues about what I perceived to be ohters opinions of 'only' children including those of my mother - but also the imaginary ones I imagine people think...

Personally I feel a failure to not feel like I can cope with 2 children, the counsellor did tell me to stop being so hard on myself and that actually by recognising that I felt I was a better mother with one, then I was saving my family from just going down a path because its the right thing to do iyswim.

Also he said why should life be hard - there are no prizes at the end for who has had the shittiest time

It was/is the hardest thing I have ever done and I do still think about it ( it is within the last 4 months). However the main thing I felt afterwards and now is relief, huge massive relief - which reassures me that for me it was the right thing to do

I'm thinking of you

newname My heart goes out to you. My Dh and I planned our first DC and got a BFP second month of trying. I reacted just as you are saying you are now - possibly worse because I recognised I was sliding into a clinical depression (which I suffered from in my early 20s). I was stressed about everything: the size of our house, the impact on dh and I, not being able to travel to see my own family (who live on another continent), our lack of finances, the possibility dh's family would start dominating our lives by visiting grandchild/cousin/neice/nephew etc. I had physical symptoms too: anxiety, palpitations, breathlessness, severe weakness. I thought I'd made the mistake of my life.

I had a MMC discovered at ten weeks and all the physical symptoms disappeared - in fact, I knew it was over before I started bleeding because of the sudden easing of all things related to anxiety. But I did not feel relief at the loss of the child: my devastation was immense even though I felt a lot better - worse I tortured myself that I had subconsciously rejected the baby and that's what caused the MMC. After my MMC, and after the symtoms went, the things I was worrying about seemed trivial in comparison to the loss.

I went to see my GP about all of this AFTER the fact and she referred me to a psychiatrist at a peri-natal mental health unit. I needed to understand why I planned a child, but then felt it was all worng when I was PG. It was an eye-opening meeting. The psych told me that what I'd felt was immensely common; she said she hated society for only depiciting babies and PGs as 'glowing' rosy experiences, and said she saw hundreds of women who experienced it very differently and felt very isolated because they weren't reacting in a so-called 'normal' way. You are def not alone.

But I think it is important you separate whether the feelings you are experiencing are provoked by 'real-life' worries, or whether you don't want the baby - because as I found, there is a difference and its hard to tease it out. I think it would help you a lot to speak to someone - but ask your GP to refer you to someone who deals with PG women (I also saw a psychologist who didn't even know what progeterone was and that did more harm than good).

Finally, just to tell you I got a second BFP some months after my MMC and the same physiucal symptoms happened again - but this time without the worries in my head. After ten years of a high stress candle-at-both-ends kind of job, I think my body couldn't cope with a PG. But with the second BFP, I knew it was my body - not me rejecting it. That the 'anxiety' was a biological response, not one caused by me not wanting the child. I had another MC. But I then spent a year getting fully healthy, cutting down work and stresses, sorting things out, and I am PG again - this time, no worries and no symptoms. It's a very different experience.

I really hope you find your way through this in which ever solution suits you. I totally know what an awful experience it is. But please ask your GP to get you an appointment, urgently, with a proper person, to help you work through this difficult decision.

All the best to you.

Choccie chip speaks a lot of sense - I had similar symptoms with my 1st pregnancy and a 2nd ( which ended in miscarriage) my 3rd preg (the recent one) was much later so many of my other issues has become apparent during that break - but I recognise many of the emotions...

That is why it is important for you to see someone - soon

Newname, you sound like you are in a real mess! So sorry for you.

Ultimately this is a decision you and DP are going to have to make, but please don't rush into it as it really is a major thing to think though. If you still need time/more counselling by Friday, please don't be rushed into a decision by your GP...it's not something you can 'undo', either way.

Lots of the others here are right to say that the 'just pregnant' elation of first time is often not quite the same in subsequent pregnancies.

As well as thinking about how a 'little stranger' will invade the family, balance that against the relationship your (possible) two little ones would have with each other.

I think me and probably everyone pg with no2, however elated, also felt the 'how on earth will I cope with 2?' panic, as well as confusion being really common, as you can see from others' contributions.

Because of your experience of PND, things might in fact be easier this time around because you could get help sooner if you got a bit wobbly!

Hope you manage to get some counselling about it, and also enough space and time to come to the right decision.

I didn't want another baby, but I did want another child, iyswim? The baby days are just an endurance test for me, and ultimately I wanted DC1 to have a sibling, someone that would be there for them with shared history etc (although I realise that there's no guarantee they'll get on). Having said that, I had the 20 week scan and cried for 24 hours after when I found out DC2 was a boy - although up til then I would've sworn I didn't mind either way. I felt awful for what I was going to inflict on DD, throwing a hand grenade into our nice little unit of 3, our relationship felt so precious and it seemed then as if I would spoil it with another child. However, thus far she adores him and although her life is more compromised (doesn't get as much attention/what she wants as quickly or at all) she adapted really quickly. Watching them grinning at each other over breakfast really made my eyes well up this morning, it was so sweet. So, despite feeling it was a terrible mistake for the second half of pregnancy, I do think it was for the best. But having said that, we'd already factored in moving house etc and DH has been fabulous. He panicked a bit after DD was born, but I think that was just adjusting to what having children means, freedom and spontaneity curtailed, dramatically less social life etc. This time round has been easier for both of us as we know we can survive the baby days and it will pass. I don't know if that helps at all...