I thought I wanted a second child but am horrified now that I am pregnant.

[newname3]

For the last 2+ years I have desparately wanted to have a seond child. Desparate can also be interpreted as crazy as I used to convince myself every month that I was pregnant ony to be crushed when I was not. It was the main thing on my mind all the time and I truely yearned for it. DP and I did not "try" for a second but we also did not avoid it as I was so certain that this was something that I really wanted.

About three weeks ago I woke up with the very clear belief in my mind that under no circumstances did I want a second child and two weeks later I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. I have felt absolutely numb for the last week. I am shocked that my feelings could change so dramatically and feel disgusted and ashamed for putting myself and DP in this position. I don't understand what has happened, there are no changes in circumstances, I'm just very sad and cannot see a single good reason to proceed with the pregnancy.

I don't know what to do next because I cannot believe that my feelings can change like that and I don't want to make a decision that I will regret later. Has this ever happened to anyone else and if so how did you manage this?

chocciechip has articulated her feelings around the time of her pregnancies/mc then subsequent preg really well - they echo mine almost exactly, although I didn't explain mine as well!

I think it would really help you to speak to someone - I really hope you manage to find someone supportive and helpful to help you through this.

I have a similar story in that I tried and tried for ages to conceive dc 2, having 2 miscarriages along the way which were terrible. Eventually I got pg and because of my miscarriages I didn't really think about it much, I was pretty much in denial.

It really only struck me that I was going to have another child when I was about 25-30 weeks pg. Suddently I was so so sad about not being able to be there for my ds. We have such a close relationship, loads of cuddles and chats. He was only 18 months old when I got pg, still just a baby and I was so sad that I was going to make my baby the older brother. I felt like I was going to make him grow up too fast.

I didn't really tell anyone this (apart from my best friend who was also pg with her dc2) and did my usual brushing it under the carpet trick. When dd came along, I can't pretend it wasn't hard work. She's totally different to ds, whereas from about 10 weeks he would have a good solid 2 hour nap during the day, plus another one later in the day, she barely slept at all in the day, and badly at night. He was always very chilled and she's much more clingy.

The first year was really tough, but you know what? I am so glad we did it. My sister said to me "you've given him (ds) the best present you could ever give him, a sibling". And I think she's right. I'm so glad that God forbid if anything should ever happen to dh and I, ds has someone who loves him as much as we do (and vice versa) and will always be there for him.

Dd has been great for ds too, he's really learnt to be more considerate and gentle (not easy for a toddler). You do have to try and make sure you spend time with each child seperately, but I think that makes you focus much more on ensuring that time is spent well. When dd went for her naps, I would really make sure that rather than using that time to tidy up etc, I would do some painting with ds, or playing lego with him. Those times became really special. Now ds is at pre-school, I'm able to have those kind of special moments with dd too, we sit and have our girlie afternoons reading books and doing puzzles. They've become very precious moments.

Don't worry that your ds didn't sleep much during the day, your dc2 may well be completely different. Mine certainly are. And having dc1 at school most of the time will make such a big difference. DS was 2.3 when dd was born and still in nappies, so it was tough. I do sometimes envy those who were able to space their children out a bit more (age was a pressing factor for me)

Oh and ignore those friends who seem to make having more than one child look easy. Everyone puts on a front most days don't they? I'm sure they have their fair share of days when they don't manage to get out of their pjs, and have bits of old food stuck in their hair, just like the rest of us!

How awful for you to be feeling this way OP.

What struck me about your OP was that you began feeling very unsure of yourself after you were actually pregnant but before you got your BFP. Perhaps you are one of the many of us who are strongly affected by pg hormones; I know that I have spent some of my previous pg's in a permanant PMT like state & it was awful.

I think it's a great suggestion to see someone who you can talk through everything with, I agree it should be someone who has a good working knowledge of pg related conditions including PND & AND.

Do hope you are feeling better soon & at peace with your decisions.

Hi there,

I feel for you, really I do, this exact time last year I found out that I was pregnant with DC3 and it was planned, I had thought of nothing since else having DC2.

However....almost straight away I started panicking, not sleeping & having extreme anxiety. I lost half a stone in a week.

In hindsight I feel these feeling were most likely caused by a frightening 2nd birth - DD was breech & it ended up a EMCS & bleed afterwards & A WHOLE HEAP of hormones. But I could not see a way out, I had managed to convince myself that me or me & baby were going to die in childbirth and that I was selfish to do something that could mean leaving my other 2DC.

The end result is that I had a termination at about 6/7 weeks. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do & could see no other way.

However, now, I still feel part of me was always meant to have a DC3 but I am not sure that I am strong enough to risk everything that I hold dear, just in case something goes wrong. Also not sure I deserve a second chance & what if I feel the same way again, I can not explain how desperate I felt.

I still feel really guilty for what I done & what I put my DH through but even now I still not sure that I could have gone through with it.

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for YOU & your family....thinking of you.

There's something else I discovered in between my pgs when trying to work out what had gone wrong: when I saw a consultant and discussed all this with him after my second PG (by now I was sure it was hormones driving the feelings but did not understand why they were so extreme and so physical), he told me there is a rare condition where hcg can overstimulate the thyroid, and that can trigger a flight or fight reaction. It's a long shot, but might be worth getting your thyroid checked to see if that is triggering feelings of panic which you then 'explain to yourself' by attaching reasons to them.

The most important thing I want to say to you is you are not alone and this is common - but women will never talk about this openly because its taboo in the scheme of what society considers to be 'normal' pregnancies. I do think it might be helpful for you speak to someone experienced with working with pg women and mental health issues though - stress this to your gp if you feel you can - because otherwise you might be treated very superficially.

I am thinking of you because I still feel shivers of horror at my experiences in those days, and really hope you find a way through.

"Other people manage two children and it works perfectly" - on the surface, maybe, but most of us are very human and have our Cbeebies days with frozen pizza for dinner.

I think it's also easy to romanticise the relationship with the first. I wanted everything to be "perfect" for my eldest, particularly as she had a rough start in life. But life isn't really like that. Could that be an issue - feeling that your DC1 was "cheated" of his early months by the depression, and not wanting to do anything to effect DC1 any more?

I think you are normal. Both of my dc were planned and I had horrors on discovering I was pregnant both times! You will get used to it and it will be ok. It may be tough for a time but you will get through and will not regret your second child.

Have a look at a book called (something like...) one sock, three shoes and a hairbrush...if you google 'sock shoe hairbrush' I think it will appear
It's a very realistic exploration of what life with more than one child is like, and also really interesting on the 'myths' of motherhood society puts onto us - I found it fantastically helpful when dc2 was tiny.
A pregnant-with-no-2-but-unsure friend said it really helped her.
Maybe other MNetters know the title/author?
Does anyone have suggestions for any pregnancy counselling agencies/organisations they could recommend?

I also hope this is normal. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with DC2 and have not been even a little bit excited about this pregnancy and have spent the early part of it really thinking I'd made a huge mistake. I'd just decided that I would be happy with one child when I found out I was pregnant.

I don't want DS to be an only child and have been trying to look at positive reasons for the baby but they have been pretty bad ones to be honest, I think my DH is really worried I won't bond or will get PND due to my reaction.

I love my DS to bits and am really quite negative of this baby getting in the way of that, especially when family members say they'll take him away to give me a break - I'd rather they take the baby away to be honest. I've also been too ashamed to discuss this with anyone in RL apart from my DH.

However, I'm hoping that all of this will change once I get to know the baby and I'm sure it's just because last time with my first was so exciting as it was new.

I hope you find a way to deal with the way you are feeling and come to a resolution you feel happy with. I'll try to post back in a month when I've had the baby, hopefully to let you know it all works out in the end and not to worry.

The book the previous poster referred to is this

Thanks a lot to everyone who posted. I am going to talk to someone about this and try to make the right decision.

GruffalosGirl, I really hope that everything works out positively for you and wish you lots of luck.

I am pregnant with my shock 5th child and I have to say I have felt like this with every single one of my pregnancies.

The worst was my 3rd despite being stupidly broody - I barely left the house for the last 10 weeks due to extreme anxiety. Once she was born those feeling went away and she is 7 now and wonderful.

I always suffer from anxiety particularly in the later stages of pregnancy. I try to think of it as suffering for 3 months for a lifetime of happiness because honestly, once you have your baby, even when its hard, you'll love him/her so much you won't be able to imagine life without them.

My youngest is only 8months old and I am 27 weeks pregnant. I feel very guilty that she will not be the baby for very long but in the long term she will always have a playmate and ally which will be amazing.

Good luck xxxx

I was just wondering what your outcome was in the end.. I realise this was years ago but am currently going through the same feelings