what can you say to those who tell you "it's hard!"

[bowlingball]

This is driving me nuts, as I don't know how to respond to this. Soooooo many people say to me things along the line of " it will be hard when it's born/it won't be easy!"

I'd understand this if I thought having a baby was going to be a bed of roses but I don't. I may not have experienced it but am fully aware that it won't be easy, but this particular comment is making me feel very incompetent before I've even had the baby!

I don't understand why people have to be so negative all the time and want a response that I can retort with, without being too rude but making it blindingly obvious that i find the comment upsetting and that I'm a fully grown adult who realises that babies don't sleep through the night, that it is painful and that it will be a major life-changing experience.

Anyone got any ideas?

I gave my dsis loads of horror stories about babies when she was pregnant it was very tongue in cheek with lots of offers of help/babysitting. My dd had reflux and screamed loads and was general nightmare.

She phoned me the other day to ask whether she should continue to WAKE my niece up at night for a feed as otherwise she slept till 8 she is 12 weeks and the easiest most content baby i've ever seen.

Am going to keep my gob shut in future

The worst one for this was my SIL and her DH, who I think resented the fact that we were footloose and fancy free for 10 years longer than them- she had two DC, whilst we were out partying etc.

When I got pg (aged 32) she relentlessly told us how awful it was going to be, how we had no idea etc., and took the piss when I suggested hosting Christmas that year, pointing and laughing at us hysterically, saying we were mad if we thought we'd be able to host Christmas with a baby (even though baby would be 10m by then).

ANYWAY, it was FINE. Of course it was hard to adjust, but it was also wonderful and amazing and we wouldn't change a thing.

I used to DELIGHT in telling SIL what a brilliant sleeper DD was. I NEVER admitted to her that I found it in the least bit hard. I was always positive and smiling, and she hated it!

Oh, and we hosted Christmas.

I've since had DS, and it really is brilliant. I'm not having any more, but I feel a bit jealous when I see pg women, as I think the whole birth expereince & early days were the most exciting (albeit challenging) days of my life. There's nothing else that matches it.

I got this a lot last month when folks at work finally realised I was pregnant (now 26+6). I just glare and point out that even if I'm so thick I hadn't worked that out it's a bit late now. TBH this is the main reason I hid it for so long.

I find that it's mostly people my age (late 20's, early 30's) without children who make these comments. They also seem obsessed with tales of miscarriage.

Luckily I have a glare of death !

I can honestly say that I've never had any negative comments but people shouldn't tell you how hard it is because all babies are different. You may well find it to be the easiest thing you've ever done! DD was a really easy baby - slept like a kitten, ate whatever you gave her, didn't cry often (at age three it's a different story just kidding, she's lovely). I'm almost 37 weeks with number two and I'm fully expecting this one to be a non-sleeping screamer but I'll take it as it comes.

I'm sorry to say though, that the comments won't stop. Whatever sex you have you'll get, "girls/boys are more difficult/slower/bitchier/more cuddly/easier etc etc."

I have the same problem with a family member who has two young ones (7 and 5) and on an unsollicited basis tells me how horrible labour, delivery and the first few days are.In great detail and it's ALL negative. It's funny because no one would ever dare be negative with someone going in for heart surgery or with cancer, so why is it OK with pregnancy? I just tell myself that comments and scare stories from people reflect (deep) issues they have with their own choices/experiences and needs. I can tell this person NEEDS to brag, needs to scare, like a war veteran who shows scars and says 'you have no clue what it was like'. I humour them and think of the OTHER people I talk to who aren't intrusive, preachy and negative because there's a lot of them too, so I choose to actually listen to them and let the rest go in one ear and out the other.

All I ever managed to say was "Well, it's too late now!" with a fake jolly laugh to hide the annoyance. I'm not sure that there is anything you really can say that would both be polite and get the message across that this is a horrible and unhelpful thing to say. Depends how far not being rude is important I guess. My worst one was someone whose first reaction wasn't "Congratulations", but "God, rather you than me." I said, "Well, it's too late now, hawhahawhauugh!" and fumed silently.

Anyway, off topic, but my pfb is 8 days old today, and I was honestly expecting to be thoroughly exhausted and thoroughly miserable by now - whereas I'm ridiculously happy, and amazed at how well I'm functioning on less sleep than I've ever had before. I read the entire monster thread on here on advice for the first week with the new baby and have followed it religiously - doing lots of resting and makingletting other people do the housework etc etc - and my overwhelming feelings are those of being so lucky and so happy that I could cry (which, being massively overtired, I have done quite a bit this last week). It's been way easier than I expected (which isn't to say it won't get harder of course - don't want to jinx myself - and am aware that I have been lucky to have had loads of help). Exactly the same applies to the birth - it was way better than I had expected.

Maybe I should be grateful to all those negative horrible people, as perhaps they helped set my expectations far too low and so everything seems eminently doable and amazingly lovely in comparison.

Congratulations to you all, and best of luck!

I got this off a friend but I just say 'no, my baby will be coming out with a tshirt saying I love you mummy and an instruction manual.' most people just laugh.

The one thing that got to me more was a friend who said 'well you haven't got to the hard bit yet' (ie birth) when I was saying I wasn't enjoying pregnancy (currently 26 weeks and been sick since week 4, had a 1 in 2 prob for downs and awful wait for cvs / cardiac results and generally just feel awful) coming from someone who had a dream pregnancy and a planned caesarean!!!

I get really at this too, it's pretty insulting, for people to assume you don't know it's going to be hard sometimes.

And the peple who say this are on the whole otherwise lovely people.

In fact, one of the few really positive comments I got was from the last person I expected it from - a ski instructor friend whose kids are now grown up, he's separated from his wife and spends his life being an aging ski bum/surf bum with no fixed abode. And he, with that lifestyle, was the one person who said it's amazing, we're going to be fab parents and it will be the best thing we ever do.

Maybe it's a timing thing, presumably it is hard having several very young kids and if you 'announce' a pregnancy when someone is having a tough time it is probably harder to muster a positive response, than to someone who has more or less got things together and moved on from the really tough stage.

D

Ignore it. It really isn't that hard - especially for those - of which you obviously are - have already figured this out.

Practise your condescending smile - you'll get lots of use out of it over the next 18 years or so.

yeah people said this to me when I was expecting our first one and to be honest no one can prepare you for what its like, You could just reply "thanks for being so encouraging!", no one ever tells you the nice stuff how when you look at them you think "wow" or how they make you smile by just being them! or all the other lovely bits being a mummy brings! I have it too now I'm expecting number 3!!

well I'd say to you "of course your life will change, but it will be for the better. Who wants to do the same thing forever & ever - how boring would that be? Be cool & remember babies are random especially in those early weeks."

As for all the doomsayers, thankfully I didn't get much of that. My stepmum said "welcome to more washing than you thought possible" and I laughed at her - how could this one small person create ......... oh THAT's HOW

Think of a witty reply, or simply ignore them. Congratulations!!!

Oh - as for those horrific birth stories, prepare yourself for those now. I just cut people off with a wave of the hand and a "Do you really think I want to hear about that kind of thing at this point in my life?" accompanied with a look! Start working on that now.

People that say this piss me off- clearly we are all grown up and adult enough to know that bringing a baby into the world isnt always a walk in the park and of course- like anything else in life- there will be times when it will be hard, but the good things about it far more outweigh the hard times and it really is one of the most rewarding things in life becomming a parent.

If anyone else says this to you just say "well i suppose i will just have to get on with it then"

or if your feeling really pissed off just say "oh i didnt think it would ever be hard having a baby !?? I am really shocked at that- i thought it would be sooooooo easy" (rolling eyes)

Sorry- moody pregnancy hormones are in full swing this morning :) :)

xx

I felt very vulnerable when I was pregnant, I think most women do, and I think it's really shitty to say anything like this to a pregnant woman.

I did a lot of "smile and ignore", it works a treat, (ditto for unsolicited advice).
Some people are just trying to make conversations, others are on some kind of power trip, either way retaliating will either baffle them or give them the upper hand iyswim.

For what it's worth I had a very trying pregnancy and once the baby was born I was just really happy that the pregnancy was over, I truly didn't find the first 6 weeks with a newborn as hard as the pregnancy.
You can tell them that a lot of people feel this way actually.

what lilred said.
Kids take you to every possible emotion. But no-one would ever change their minds! You will love it. Give your belly a little hug of positivity to combat each negative comment. People come out with all kinds of shite.

My DB was like this too, even after DD was born and I was gushing about how amazing she was the only thing he could think to say was 'just you wait'. I wonder if maybe he was trying to make it seem harder because he wanted to be acknowledged for all his hard work.

I also found the first few weeks with a newborn much easier than pregnancy, I got loads more sleep and not everyone finds breastfeeding hard, lots of women do it with only minor hitches or no problems at all. You can always talk to a BF counsellor before your DC is born if you are worried.

And I agree that learning to 'smile and ignore' is one of the most invaluable skills you can have as a new parent! Best of luck with everything.

Ha ha, my DH and I have been moaning about the sheer number of people who use the line "just you wait...". It's been driving us MAD! I've taken to calling maternity leave 'maternity holiday' and telling people that I plan to spend the summer in the garden, drinking gin and tonics. Then turning to them and saying, "that's what it's like, right?".

I just smile and tell people that the best things in life tend to be the things we have to work hardest for .

If done with a certain smile it really shuts them up

Armi....well I tell you what I would permanently be telling you its hard...just to get Haribo!

Ha ha

Mind you...jut had a rude thought. Maybe when male colleagues have been telling me "its hard" i was missing the point and they were giving me the come on...

Now now Jimmy Choo thats what got me in this state ha ha xx

Ha ha I've just done a thread about developing a thick skin as I'm finding this so hard!!

The thing that gets me is I know that if I tell people it has been easy then it will be because "I'm lucky and have an easy baby", and if I find it a nightmare it will be because "I'm doing it all wrong!"

I don't think it will be easy, but I don't think it will be impossible either (as someone else has said, 6 billion others have managed it!), it's a choice I made and I'm really looking forward to it! Why oh why can people just not button it?!!

[wanders off in search of Haribo]

Hows about this:

Annoying friend: "It's going to be hard"
You: "Yes, well the most rewarding things in life usually are"

Smile beatifically. Change subject.

Job done!

love all this - also hate the "Just you wait" lines. Best conversation so far:

"How are you feeling?"

"Quite sick but hopefully that'll pass soon"

"That's nothing - wait til you get fat"

Why do peaople bother asking how you feel when they obviously don't care!

And for the record I'm still waiting to go up 6 dress sizes as I have been told by so many - oh well 19 weeks to do so I suppose!

i had tis when i was pg with my first, and terrified. i already was terrifieid that i wouldnt be able to cope etc etc

and you know what?? i love it, i have loved every second and i adore my little boy more every day.. and i cannot wat for my second.

so there miserable buggers! ;-)

its the beginning of competitive parenting and it doesnt end here sadly. just go with your instin ct, take each step as a new challenge and as my boss said to me ' enjoy every second because it will be gone in the blink of an eye and THESE are the best days of your life'

and it is true, even the bad bits, enjoy as it all changes
xxxxxx

Say Nnnnooooo really , thats not what the book says
They dont know what to say, i found this kind of response great i.e when someone says " its the sleep deprivation that does it"

You say " what ou mean the babys going to wake up " LOL

Everyone who knows us and how difficult pregnancy has been and various other things that happened getting to this point have all been great and mainly comment on the relief we will feel when baby is here.
People who don't know are the ones who have told me it will be hard... sometimes its difficult to bite back the cutting remarks. Those saying it just to wind you up don't realise they are the 50th person to say that to you in the past week!!
What I have found interesting is the ones who I know have had very difficult times with their little ones with the real horror stories (and not broken sleep but poorly babies), have been the most positive as they are just relieved that their babies are now safe and well!

What I have found very funny now is my DH telling me its going to be hard having a newborn after we have gone to our NCT sessions. I must admit I could not help laughing to see the reality of broken sleep, nappies, crying etc dawn on his face! He's read an entire how to care for your baby book before I got to it!

See, i do think its what you are choosing to hear, too. I was the same in my first pregnancy, I used to get furious at people apparently revelling in telling me how hard it was. But i still found it hard, harder than I expected. Most of the time people ARE also telling you how much they love their kids, how they would do it for them a million times over, how they think the sun shines out of their arse. But you don´t listen to that bit. This time all I get is "oooh going from 1 to 2 is a killer" but I just think "maybe, maybe not, we´ll see".

When I am with other parents (friends) we laugh about the hard bits, it is something you have gone through that - lets be honest - can be fucking AWFUL at times and you look back with a kind of "look what we survived" humour. Sometimes you continue having that conversation forgetting that some people present may be 1st time pregnant and not get where the gallows humour is coming from.

Lets face it, when pregnant we do all tend to be a bit oversensitive and think it is all about us when actually, the vast majority of the world is not living their life with that perspective i.e. worrying about what YOU want to hear.

e.g. I met up with a friend and her friend about 4 months post birth. They asked me what it was like and I was still pretty flipped out about it and totally offloaded. Only for them later to tell me that friend of friend was actually pregnant and I´d totally freaked her out. I wouldn´t have let quite as loose if I´d have known she was pregnant and THEY shouldn´t have asked a woman only 4 months post-1st-difficult-birth what it was like if they didn´t want an honest answer. If you asked me now I´d be a lot more "oh it was hard but you know you get your baby at the end of it and some people have a grand ol time of it, you just never know".

[end rant]