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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex of the baby - should we or shouldn't we?

29 replies

Franimal · 26/01/2011 11:06

Hi, in a bit of a dilemma, got the 20wk scan next week. My husband wants to know the sex of the baby and doesn't mind telling other people. I don't know how I feel... I used to think I wanted to wait until the birth, but I am very curious now. However, if we did find out I'd prefer to keep it secret, as a surprise for everyone else. But I don't know how easy that would be, as people seem to ask that question all the time. So would it be better not to know to not let it slip? Does it spoil the surprise at the birth if you already know the sex? I know of people where they got the sex wrong too.

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mandy1978 · 26/01/2011 11:08

i think you tend to fall in one camp or the other. love knowing, it gets me prepared in my head and i can spend 20 weeks thinking about names, shopping and getting excited.. so much happens after the birth that the sex wouldnt add to it for me..

its up to you though, wat do YOU think you want to do
xxx

LadySanders · 26/01/2011 11:11

i found out with all 3 of mine - 2nd one at 12 weeks - cannot understand why people want a 'surprise', the whole experience was definitely surprising enough without that, but each to their own. (and i AM a control freak and don't like secrets)

CrawlingInMySkin · 26/01/2011 11:20

I found out on first two but I want to try for a surprise this time. I didn't regrett my decision to find out but would like to experience the other side this time.

CoteDAzur · 26/01/2011 11:24

I don't get this "want it to be a surprise" thing.

Surely it is a surprise whether you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks? What exactly is the point of torturing yourself and delaying the point at which you start calling "the bump" with his/her name?

tlise · 26/01/2011 11:26

I didn't find out with the first 4, but did with the last 2. Glad I did. It is nice to have a surprise, when its your first one or two. You have to remember they could be wrong, so it could be a surprise anyway lol.

We found out at my 28 week one as she wouldn't co-operate before then, but I am telling a few people, but not many as I don't want in laws knowing before they have to, ideally never but thats impossible lol.

littlemisslozza · 26/01/2011 11:30

We haven't found out with our two and won't with DC3 either, we like to find out when the baby is born, just our personal preference.

I know people who have hoped for one particular gender and found out at the 20 week scan then been disappointed which I find so sad. I can't help but feel that if they had waited until their baby was in their arms that they wouldn't have had that disappointment for half their pregnancy. If that could be you I would say wait.

I also know people who have found out but not told anyone, it can be done! I wouldn't tell them you know though otherwise they'll just badger you and ask questions and it will annoy you!

stripeywoollenhat · 26/01/2011 11:33

found out with dd, having a baby such a surprise anyway didn't need additional surprising. but next time, if there is one, will go for the surprise, just to see what that's like...

gastrognome · 26/01/2011 11:44

I found out both times as I simply couldn't think of one good reason why I wouldn't want to know! I'm a control freak too though and not keen on surprises on the whole...

COCKadoodledooo · 26/01/2011 12:12

Sometimes it's blindingly obvious and you don't have a choice but to find out. That's wht happened with ds2 btw! We were undecided, ds1 (who was with us) was desperate to know. As soon as the sonographer had focussed the probe she whipped the screen round so we couldn't see, and then asked if we wanted to know. I think from her actions it was fairly obvious, and we said yes, then the first bit we saw of dc2 was his willy

With ds1 we didn't want to know, but were both sure we didn't want to know.

COCKadoodledooo · 26/01/2011 12:15

Having said that ^^ btw, I just knew^ all the way through ds1 was a boy. My pregnancy second time around was so very different, I honestly had been expecting them to say 'girl' so from that point of view I'm really glad we found out.

snowpeas · 26/01/2011 12:40

I didn't know with DS1 but we had no choice as it was hospital policy not to reveal the sex.

With DS2 we went to a different hospital and decided to ask but as COCKadoodledooo said it was blindingly obvious that he was a boy although I did ask just to make sure.

Both were equally surprising and I didn't feel any differnt 2nd time round just because we 'knew'.

Don't know what we'll do this time, will see how I feel nearer the scan date.

BellaBearisWideAwake · 26/01/2011 12:43

they don't tell here and i'm not paying £70 for something i can find out for free!

Quenelle · 26/01/2011 13:10

We didn't want to know. I made a point of telling the sonographer that we didn't, in case we saw something by accident.

It might still be the same surprise at your 20 week scan (although if they say it's a girl they can't be 100% sure) but it was really nice to have that wonderful moment at the end of 20 hours of labour.

But if people want to feel more in control by knowing the sex I can understand that. What I can't understand is finding out but keeping it from others. It's only a joyful surprise for the parents, everyone else will just say 'oh lovely' and not really give it any more thought so why keep it as a surprise for them?

And from a practical point of view, there's plenty of opportunity to get gender-specific stuff after the birth. I think newborns look most gorgeous in white anyway.

Anyway, clearly there's no wrong answer, but be sure because you can't 'unknow' once you find out.

nunnie · 26/01/2011 13:31

I found out with my other two and told everyone even strangers in the supermarket pretty much anyone who asked if I knew I told.
This time I am going on my own as hubby is working away at the moment, and because he isn't there to find out at the same time as me I am opting to go with the not finding out, then we can both find out together when he/she arrives.

CrawlingInMySkin · 26/01/2011 13:50

I heard a interesting suggestion on another thread if you are unsure ask for the sex to be written down and put in a sealed envelope and then you can decide at your leisure and there is not a one off chance to find out.

CoteDAzur · 26/01/2011 15:38

Unnecessary self-inflicted itch.

pistachio · 26/01/2011 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tlise · 26/01/2011 18:14

COCKadoodledooo the only time I have "known" what I was having by instinct, the only time I was 110% certain it was a boy cos I could feel it, and would have put every penny I had on it being a boy....it was a girl. And having had 3 boys already at that point, that was the only time I was sure it was a boy. I then had another boy...this time I had the same feeling again, but kept an open mind cos I really wanted a girl, so was hoping I was wrong...people kept asking, I know its a boy, I can feel it...they said yesterday its a girl rofl.

Sometimes as strong as they are, you can't always listen to instincts lol. This is the only time I haven't gone off anything and smells haven't affected me out of all 6 pregnancies. yet it did with previous DD.

I think if its a surprise you want, thats brilliant. Its upto individuals. I just think the older I have got, the less patient I am lol.

Bushymoo · 26/01/2011 18:54

We found out with DS1 and that was great for buying things, name choosing etc which all was much harder with DS2 as he was a "surprise" and although we spent weeks after the 20week scan wishing we could have found out the sex I must admit it really made the day of the birth even more special. I'm glad we experienced both ways :)

theonlyhb2 · 26/01/2011 18:55

My other half wants to know but I don't. I don't care what we have, I don't plan on buying anything til I am 7 months or so, and then it doesnt matter what they first wear anyway. I wouldnt do a pink or a blue theme for the bedroom.

but i might be tempted. but then they can be wrong and i bet they would with me.

we also both agree we wont name it til we see it. you dont know what's going to suit it til then.

tebbles · 26/01/2011 19:02

Im finding out. If it is inconclusive at the scan I will be quite upset.

Dont understand the waiting for a surprise personally. I feel that I have already waited long enough and it will be a surprise the moment we find out at the scan anyway. Have never been big on 'surprises' anyway, find them a bit over-rated. I like knowing as soon as I can about everything.

Will tell other people if the topic comes up.

Also it will simplify the name choosing process.

phonix · 26/01/2011 19:07

Haven't read all the comments, so sorry if repeating anyone, but here is an idea for you (this is what we did with our third):
Couldn't bear the thought of finding it out during our scan in a semi-darkened hospital room, we also didn't want an unknown person to make that all important announcement - we found nothing romantic about this scenario, so asked sonographer to write it down on a piece of paper and put it in a sealed envelope. We could then later decide whether to open it or not and also when to open it (we picked a special occassion).
Whether to tell people or not...I personally found it really difficult not to tell. And this comes from someone who didn't at all find out the sex of their first two babies until the birth.

edeluna · 26/01/2011 21:27

By 20 weeks, I couldn't take the suspense any longer and simply had to know. I think it's a "surprise" whenever you find out. Plus it makes planning over the remaining months a lot easier.

A colleague of mine went the "find out but keep it a secret from everyone else route". I personally didn't see the point of this -- I guess because I suspect it's never as big a "surprise" to anyone else as it is to the parents. Plus I immediately started referring to the baby as "she", and I wouldn't have been able, and wouldn't have wanted, to continue using "it" or to alternate between "he" and "she" just to keep everyone else in the dark.

I'm really happy I know what I'm having -- and I've asked it be confirmed in all of my follow-up scans. So that's three different docs predicting a girl, which I think probably makes it pretty definite.

It's really up to you, though. In the end, I say to go with your gut instinct.

edeluna · 26/01/2011 21:29

Whoa. Not sure what happened with all that strikeout text in my previous post. Hmmm, I guess it was the hyphens. Sorry!

pozzled · 26/01/2011 21:37

We also have our scan next week and will find out. We found out with our DD and I liked being able to refer to the bump as 'she' rather than 'it', and just having mentally adjusted to the idea of a daughter, not just a baby IYSWIM. DH is probably more keen than me to find out and one of his reasons is that we only have to choose one name and not two- saves a lot of discussion/agonising over a name that you won't actually use. This time round I also think it will be helpful to prepare DD (she has decided she wants a sister!).

However, I do think it would be weird to know and not tell people, personally I think I'd let it slip. So if you are really keen to keep it a secret from other people maybe you should leave it as a surprise.

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