Pros and Cons of having a baby at 20....

[broodyelle]

all opinions welcome!

I am 20 and thinking about having my first. I have wanted to be a mum for ages, years, so 3 years ago I got a dog, love my dog, but still want to be a mummy!

My DP is my soul mate, we have been living together for 15 months. He has a full time job and is up for promotion. I do not have a job I am studying a degree 6 hours a week.

I know many of you will probably talk about what I will miss out on by having a baby early but I do not go out clubbing, I don't have any friends at uni, I am very mature for my age. My best friends are friends that I have had since the age of 15 they are typical 20 year olds and often tell me off for being such a boring adult! I enjoy going on walks and staying in with DP to watch a film. I have been to America five times, france almost every year, sweden, italy, belgium, austria, switerland, australia, spain so have definitely done a lot of travelling.

My DP has saved up twenty thousand pounds so we have a security backup money wise.

I have read the parenting posts, lots of anxious parents and babies eating their own poo! It didn't put me off!

I know it sounds like I have already made my mind up but I am responsible and I want to make sure that I have thought about everything.

Personally, I'd get married first, but I know it's not for everyone.

Other than that, given your situation, I don't see any cons.

I wish I'd had my first at 24 (I was 32) and if my children were in good relationships/married and financially stable at 20 it wouldn't displease me if they decided to start a family then.

I don't think you need years of going out binge drinking under your belt before you have a baby. Twenty thousand pounds might make a deposit on a place of your own for the baby, depending on where you live. Also I would finish your course first, or time it so that you have finished before any baby arrives.

What does you other half think? Do you love each other enough to marry? And does he earn enough to support three (even four) people.

BTW one of the best mums I ever saw was only about 15, although I think she was far from typical.

we have talked about marriage and both don't want to spend all our money on that. We are committed to each other and that is enough.

I also should of mentioned that I own my own 2 bed flat, my parents and grandparents helped me to buy it.

Getting married only costs what the license does. You don't even need rings.

Legally, it does give you a number of protections co-habitating does not.

there are pros and cons of any age

i had my first at 24, and looking back I really wished I had gone to Uni, and got a career first, so that now, when mine are at school I didn't have to go out and do that.

but I have a friend who did career first and babies later and she wishes she did it the other way round

so i think there are always regrets of some shape or form

But if I were you I definitely would finish the degree first, and if it's leading onto a specific kind of job then do that for a little while.
That way you have something to go back to. It also gives you more time to enjoy the relationship with your partner while it's just the 2 of you, because you should never, ever underestimate the strain a child can put on that relationship!

Also... remember that it isn't just a baby you are having. it's a person. It's a 5 year old, a 10 year old, a teenager.... it's a huge commitment to make. Babies are great and i'd have another in a shot- if it stayed a baby!

sorry if this sounds preachy!

Agree (again) with expat weddings cost as much or as little as you like. Don't waste money on a fancy wedding.

I would put your efforts into finishing your degree first.

I would wait, mainly because my soulmate at 20 would now be my worst nightmare, I think you change so much in your early 20s you may as well hold on.

hi i was 17 when i had my little man and im now 20 having my little boy was the best thing that happened to me. Saying that i do think you have to be a very mature minded person to have a baby young, some of my fellow younger mum friends still have their teenage heads on. Also is your partner keen? young men do find it a lot harder then women and you will probably find it will take him a while to get into the flow of being a dad.

it seems like you are quite well prepared with the money and house. i would say you should finish the degree first because 'baby brain' is a total nightmare lol.

also have you been to the library, reading about 100 books on conception, pregnancy, birth and parenting will also help you to be prepared.

hope this helps x

woohoo i had my dd at 20 and i love it pros:
easily get back in shape
can chase toddler everywhere
can still have career when child is at school
will be around longer to see grandkids ect
can have child at wedding if planning on it
will still be young enough to understand street talk
cons:
not much of a social life (didnt bother me)
worth finishing degree maybe whilst pregnant?
thats it really, tiredness and other stuff wouldnt change weather you are young or old x

I had my first dc at 20 in less financially or emotionally secure circumstances than you are describing.

However, it was planned, and I didn't regret it but I know now that I was not as mature as I thought!

The only thing that some people forget when planning young, is that no matter what happens, you will have to put that child first. Every minute of the day for years and years.

Even when they have kept you up all night, you're tired, ill or just fancy a lie in.

It can be like a job sometimes, one you can never leave no matter how difficult and stressful life becomes.

My baby will be 24 tomorrow, yet my work continues. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I'm glad she's not a mum yet.

Hi broodyelle, I am also 20 & currently 17+4 with my first DC. I think you need to make this decision yourselves (you & DP), we can offer you all the advice, pros, cons .etc in the world but only you two know if this is right for you now.

To fill you in on my situation, myself & DP are both 20 & engaged, absolutely madly in love, currently living with his parents, we have a considerable amount of savings between us but not enough for a deposit on a house yet, he is in two part time stable jobs & I am in a role that is stable until the end of March, I'm currently studying for my degree also. Our baby is due June 27th 2011, not planned. So as you can see, our situation was not ideal. But honestly...

We could not be happier :o

We were shocked at first & wondered how we would cope .etc but now we wouldn't have it any other way. Our friends, like yours sound to be, are still in their teenage phase so to speak - they'll go out drinking every weekend taking pictures of their sick & what not whereas me & DP would rather stay in with a nice meal & a film.

You need to make this decision with your DP. :)

Honestly? Don't do it!
You have 20 years to have children. Concentrate on your degree and career.
Have a life.

I had DD at 22 so not too far off you. I felt exactly like you do now at the time, and in hindsight it was the right thing for me and DH to do.

We both really wanted to take the step and I can put my hand on my heart and genuinely say I don't regret it in the slightest. We had DD2 when I was 24, and currently expecting DC3. We are a very happy family

Do whatever is right for you and your DP. All the best.

'You have 20 years to have children.
Concentrate on your degree and career.
Have a life.'

That's not a given, tbh. I wish I'd done my homework and found out just how knackering it is to have a baby at 37 when you have a toddler as well.

And we were lucky we conceived easily.

Careers are not the have all to end all.

Plenty don't have one until later in life.

And btw, having a family is a life.

It takes all colours to make a rainbow.

My husband is younger than I am and in his early 20s when our first was born and he was more mature than I was!

Don't live your life for a future you know nothing about.

I had my first at 20 with hardly any of what you describe and don't regret it at all

I'm 26 now with three children and am studying for my degree and loving the fact that when i finsih my degree my youngest will be at school so I won't have the torture of paying massive childcare cost to pursue the career i want, and won't have to interrupt my career with maternity leave.

I breastfed all of mine, used cloth nappies, did BLW with two of them adn was generally the opposite of the stereotypical young mum. My kids are the greatest thing I've ever done and I wouldn't swap them for any career/lifestyle/money/travelling anyone could name

Can I ask what your degree is in, why you are only doing it 6 hours a week and what you hope it might lead to? I only ask because it is much harder to get a 'first job' in a career when you have family responsibilties and have not worked since uni. Easier if you wait just a few more years and have a bit of experience and a track record to come back to.

You say you feel mature because you don't go clubbing and like to stay home. To be honest I don't think anyone can really be mature until they've put themselves about a bit, taken risks, found what they love, made friends they haven't known since school, made mistakes and generally tried on life for size. This doesn't mean you have to reach a certain rung on someone else's career ladder or have a certain ammount of money in the bank or a certain number of stamps in your passport but it does mean you have to know who you are. Of course you can do all of this with children, but it's harder (especially the risk taking part).

Motherhood can be a safe readymade identity and purpose in life. You can lose yourself in it, especially if you haven't found yourself first.

Hope this doesn't all sound like mystical BS, I just think you sound like you've limited yourself to safe choices in life so far..

I took risks. I put myself out there. I tried life on to the max. If I'd have waited till I 'found myself' to have kids I'd have been 40 and IMO for me, too old.

Let me tell the result of all this for me: financially, I will very likely die in abject poverty. We will never own our own home and live in a council flat.

I have behind me: two divorces, a bankrupcy, a lot of heartbreak, a string of dead-end jobs, a long struggle with addiction and mental health issues and loads of debt.

I wouldn't wish the result of all that on anyone but some real losers.

Everyone is different. I wouldn't for the life of me try to preach my way of living life on anyone else or patronise them that, if they chose differently from me, they are somehow missing out. Because what they miss out on, may not be much positive.

So instead I tell my children that no one has to wake up and be them every day but them. So do what they feel is right in their conscience and live their life/make choices accordingly.

I used to think you couldn't be 'mature' till you'd 'experienced life' but then I met my husband, whose a good bit younger than I am, and he opened my eyes, made me realise how patronising that is and how untrue.

Now, I do have friends who had children at 20, even younger, and are still quite young, including one who is 25 and has three (yes, she is married, they both work and own their own home).

I wouldn't dream of considering her less 'mature' than I am because she didn't make the choices I did or wait as long to have children or 'tried life on for size'.

This is her life, and it's as valid as mine or anyone else's.

From my experience, I would suggest you go for it now. I waited until my 30s (well, I had to, I'd not met anyone yet) by which time I had unforseen medical probelms which have made pregnancy and looking after babies really tough.

But from the experience of friends, I'd suggest you finish your degree. Studying with a baby is really tough, and you can start TTCing 9 months before the course ends!

All this talk of careers... what is she wants to be a SAHM? And if her partner earns enough to support them all what's wrong with that?

If it was me I would finish your degree and get married first. In all likelihood even if you do want to SAH you will have to get a job when your kids go to school so finish your education.

Other than that, you sound like you'll be a great mum.

If you both feel that it is the right time for you then do it. I was 21 and in my final year at uni when I had my DD (who was planned). I'm now 25 and expecting DC3. We are married, DH has a good job, we have our own house etc etc.
The only 'cons' I have experienced of having our children while I was this age certainly aren't major issues -
Most of my other 'mum' friends are older than me, and subsequently have better jobs more money etc. But this doesn't mean we aren't great friends.
Finishing my degree with a newborn wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible either. I only had to be on site for about four hours a fortnight!! I probably could have put in more hours at home but didn't want DD to go to nursery so young - she became my priority and uni work was often put off. Still I got a 2:2, not the end of the world. I have since decided on a change of direction anyway and no longer want to work in that area. I have completed other training and got a decent qualification in another other area.
These are really the only difficult things I have found. Whereas the list of positives is pretty long -
I have the energy to still chase my two kids around, even though I'm 24 weeks pg.
I have got plenty of time to 'have a career' (very few of the people I was at uni with have progressed further than me and they don't have any children) once DC are in full time education.
We conceived all three within a month.
I've no idea if age has anything to do with it but I found it very easy to breastfeed - I seemed to have an abundance of milk! DS only stopped when he was two.
My parents are only in their early 50s so they have plenty of energy to play with my kids too. And hopefully I will still be young when/if I become a grandparent.
Almost every one of my friends says to me on a regular basis that they wish they had had their children younger. Several would like to have more but feel that they are now too old.

20 is a baby! Honestly, you are so young, and you have so much time to have babies. What you don't have is the time to just enjoy being young, without any real responsibilities. The boys that I was madly in love with when I was that age turned out not to be my soul mates, and definitely not the men I wanted to be with at 30 - you go through so many changes in your 20s when you really find out who you are and what you want out of life.

Finish your degree, start a career that you can go back to after children, live your life and then if you and your DP want to have a baby in a few years then I'd strongly suggest you get married (if only for the legal protection it gives both of you) and then have a child.

You sound like that's what you really want to do, so personally I don't see the point in waiting around just to become older, just for the sake of it. If you are secure in what you want, then I would just go for it.
I had my first at 21, second at 23, having 3rd now 24. I don't think being in your early 20s is any disadvantage to having children, and really it is not that young as people make out because you are an adult. I know a lot of people are v immature at that age but not everyone, and as for you having saved up 20 thousand wow that is so good!! so sounds like you would be alright i think?
but how much longer have you got left on your degree, if you're able to finish it will make it easier so if its not too much longer eg this year, next year, i would maybe try to allow for that? or look into the practicalities of studying with a baby if you have a lot longer left eg if you have creche in your uni etc.
but good luck!! i do think its mostly positive than negative to have children at this age. I definitely don't feel like I wish I waited, its not as if children ruin your life or stop you having a life. Also when they have grown up you will still be fairly young and able to travel and do things with your dh rather than by the time they have grown up you are old and ill

Hi

I enjoyed reading your post expatinscotland

I am 20 and 33+3

up until recently I was working 2 jobs which I have been working since I was 18. I gave up one as I couldnt cope with both anymore!!

Im due to finish my 2nd job on the 19th feb. My EDD being 10th March.

I have found this pregnancy such a battle of emotions and posted on here when I first found out I was pregnant that I didnt know what to do and asked for advice I was overwhelmed with the kindness of other mumsnetters and the advice offered.

My DP is self employed and is 24 and we live together with his parent and for the time being that is what I want as I know I'll be scared on my own with a new baby while my DP works. She will be a great help.

I will benefit from maternity pay from my job which helps me lots aswell as my DP's wage also an invaluable thing to have.

we could not be happier and we both know we will be together.

you have all that ontop of savings so I dont see how you will be at any kind of disadvantage.

even the toughest situations people have managed to work through and you seem in a very stable predicament.

Iv only 7 weeks left but I am so ready and everything is falling into place regarding my job and the baby and my DP.

aslong as you have support and love and atleast some financial stability then there is nothing to stop you.

I wish you every success in this. and let us know what happens!

There's no perfect time. And 20 may be considered young at the moment, in our society, but historically and in many other cultures it is a perfectly normal time to be having babies.

My wise friend, who had a baby in her mid-twenties, once said to me "having a baby requires maturity, but not the kind of maturity that necessarily comes with age".

If you PERSONALLY feel that you might be ready, then you probably are.

Good luck either way x