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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH going away - am I being precious?

41 replies

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 11:06

So DH is in discussion at work about going away for an overnight when I will be 37+3 with our first DC.

The place he will be going is Europe, so not the other side of the world, but there are no direct flights and no option to Eurostar home etc., so realistically, if I had to call him if I went into labour, it would be around 10 hours before he could be with me.

The trip is I guess moderately important, but not crucial (and FWIW, should have been 'mooted' way before this if it was reeeeally important), and there is an opportunity to do this meeting later in the year if people co-operated (it's his Dad's business, and the person he needs to meet is an employee who works remotely from Germany).

I know there are lots of people whose OH's work away a lot (and I'm kind of spoilt because we're almost always within 30 minutes of each other), I'm just not sure whether I'm being really precious saying I really don't think it's a great idea and could they possibly pick a time a bit later on?

I know it's not very likely that I will go into labour then, and realistically, I honestly feel if I did, and had to have my Mum with me instead of DH, I would be 'OK', but my concern is that I know DH would never forgive himself for missing it and dealing with the emotional side of that would be pretty stressful.

Any thoughts/insight? I'm perfectly prepared to be told to pull myself together!

OP posts:

robino · 21/01/2011 11:11

Hmmmmmm. In my irrational 37 wk state I want to tell you to get a grip. BUT I also know that if DH and I had any choice in the matter he would not be working 300 miles away during the week right now and both of us would feel happier if he were working much closer!

How would you feel if the option were for him to have the meeting in the first week after he returned from paternity leave, leaving you with a newborn overnight? Just trying to play devil's advocate - they might suggest that as an alternative...

JBrd · 21/01/2011 11:12

Well, it's a judgement call. But if it was me, I'd make him cancel or postpone the trip... No way he'll be allowed away after 36 weeks

It's not unheard of that people go into labour at 37 weeks, is your DH happy to take the risk on missing this?

pooka · 21/01/2011 11:14

I think he should go.

Chances are that you won't go into labour at that stage.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 11:21

robino good question re him going away early on in baby's life. I think this would be preferable as a) there is little risk of him 'missing out' on something really important and b) I have family close by if I am desparate and need support. Birth is more of a one-time opportunity IYSWIM! FWIW he is going away on another work trip when baby will be 4 weeks old, that's for a week.

JBrd this is the thing, I know he would never forgive himself, ever. His Dad who was present at none of the 3 births of his children, will not get why this might be a concern!

OP posts:

Bue · 21/01/2011 11:21

Sorry, I think you need to pull yourself together on this one. You are incredibly unlikely to go into labour at 37+3. I'm of the 'you can't put your entire life on hold during pregnancy' camp, though.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 11:22

OK, am searching for grip as I type!

Thanks for replies ladies, it is useful to get another perspective on this.

OP posts:

Niecie · 21/01/2011 11:25

How much later on would he have to go later on if he doesn't go as planned this time?

I ask because I would rather have had DH around for the first few months when DS1 was a new born than when I was pregnant. He couldn't do much as I was bf but he was there for support and to at least hold the baby for a while which I think was more important to me.

FWIW it is unlikely you will go into labour and I would let him go. I let my DH go on a day long interview around Europe when I was 38+2 weeks. He had to do something like go to Germany and then fly to Switzerland all the same day leaving the house at 5am and not getting back until 1am in the next morning. Almost entirely uncontactable the whole day as he was either on the move or in the interviews. It was fine and I think other people were more worried about us than we were!

Chances are, that even if you did go into labour early, your DH would have time to get back before you gave birth with labour being longer 1st time around.

Good luck.

Tarlia · 21/01/2011 11:26

Urk, I feel for you. My OH is in the military and has been instructed that he needs to go away to play cowboys and indians to shoot practice for a week when I am 39 weeks. Needless to say, I'm slightly hysterical, as I'm not in my home country and have nobody to call on as a birth partner in the event that I go into labour. He will be a 6+ hour car journey away.

I hope your OH manages to get out of it, I don't see why either his dad cannot go, being a family buisness, you'd think as the GP of your child bhe would be more sensitive and understanding! Or postpone until later in the year. How many weeks are you now? Could he go sooner rather than later?

Tarlia · 21/01/2011 11:27

Delia I didn't realise it was you! I didn't read the posters name .

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 11:39

Tarlia hi [waves]. I think your second para may be the root of my slight pique over this. The reason he kind of should go is that his Dad is meant to be handing over this kind of stuff to him (and has been 'meant to be' doing that for about the last 3 years) but is reluctant to let go, and has now asked him to do this on the one occasion where it has become slightly more complicated. DH has a weird family! (really sorry if this now looks like a drip-feed, wasn't intended to be, and I realise I still need to get a grip).

I'm 36 weeks now and the meeting is at an event so can be at 37+3 or at another event in May, but can't be like, tomorrow, IYSWIM.

Niecie I think the root of my concern is less that I will need support, as I have family and friends to be with me if anything unexpected did happen, but more the risk that he might miss out.

Thanks again ladies for insights, it really has helped. I think I maybe more PO'd at his Dad for putting him in this position given the history, as I think it's a bit of a sh!tty to do at this point.

So I will get a grip and try and be understanding, flexible and accommodating ;-) .

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2011 11:47

Delia - DH has agreed with his company that they won't send him abroad from 36 to whenever 6 weeks post-birth is, and longer if I am having a slow recovery from a section. Partly it is because we already have DS, so it isn't just a straightforward as me needing support.

He's only been there 6 months and doesn't even qualify for full paternity (he has holiday booked though which they have agreed is moveable depending on when the baby arrives).

If it was my FIL, I would be pissed off and letting him know about it

Pink10 · 21/01/2011 11:48

I wouldn't want my DH away from after 37wks. I'm currently 39wks, DHs work wanted him to go to mainland Europe from when I was around 37wks and he's said no due to the risk of missing the birth. So it either won't happen and someone else will go or he'll go after Babys born. I don't think it's being precious it's about not missing the birth and from 37 to 40wks is only 3wks of staying closer to home.

paternal · 21/01/2011 12:05

Hi, it's good that your OH has agreed not to go away, but what I don't understand is why did he even think about it in the first place??? If someone had come to me, I would have said no straight away, there would be no chance of me missing a single moment of this pregnancy. It's just crazy to me that he would even risk it. This should never of came about in my eyes.

"Errrr would you go away on business for us?" "Ummmmmmm NO!"

There you go sorted.

chelstonmum · 21/01/2011 12:10

Hi, I know I had both my children early (ds @ 37 and dd @ 37+2). My husband is luckily not away with work often, that said he is currently packing for a trip, but he will be here at that time. x

Theonlyexception · 21/01/2011 12:23

Tarlia whereabouts are you? I'm in Germany, dh is in Raf.

Op I do feel for you and can see why your worried. If you really don't want to run any risk of your dh not being there I would get him to postpone the trip if he can. My dh went away on a stupid, unneccessary (sp?) staff trip to France when I was in the last trimester and his work told him he had to go. If I had have gone into labour I would have had nobody as I was in Scotland at the time and family were all in Yorkshire sorry, just to add my own little rant there!

Theonlyexception · 21/01/2011 12:23

Tarlia whereabouts are you? I'm in Germany, dh is in Raf.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 12:31

Theonlyexception it's the slightly unnecessariness (sorry for making up a word) of it that is probably making me a bit as well.

OP posts:

cocoachannel · 21/01/2011 12:36

Good to hear your situation has sorted itself out!

FWIW my NCT instructor used the very example of 'you may not want to plan a buisness trip to Germany once your partner is full term', at our class last weekend. Weird coincidence!

neolara · 21/01/2011 12:38

My dh was meant to be going on a stag weekend in the wilderness when I was 37 + 4 with dc1. I went into labour at 37 + 3 and it took 4 1/2 hours between first twinge and baby emerging. Fortunately he hadn't already left as there was no way he would have got back in time.

In subsequently pregnancies, I was very wary about DH going anywhere from about 36 weeks.

The chances are that your baby will not appear while your DH is away. But on the other hand, it just might. If I were you, I would not be OK with him going away.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 12:42

Delia - I can see why you are so annoyed. It's not necessary to go now, FIL could go and he's now, at this time 'handing over' things he can't be done with, when he's had 3 years to do it. Pah! Tell him to do one! Well, get DH to tell him no, go himself or he will go in May. If your DH was to miss the baby's birth for this you would both be soooo angry and that may do real damage to the relationship, far more than saying no now!

growing3rdbump · 21/01/2011 12:43

I would say no to this as my babies have both arrived early and I just wouldn't take the chance personally.

Icoulddoitbetter · 21/01/2011 12:50

Just want to add that I went into labour at 37+3 too (as did my mum with me, wierd!) so however precious people may think I am I would never let DH go anywhere after 36 weeks when we (hopefully!) have more children .

janedoe25 · 21/01/2011 12:50

Hi Delia, i dont think you are being hysterical or need to 'get a grip'. You are preparing for your first baby and bound to be nervous! My Oh works away from home alot however he told his employers he was not working away from my 35 wk point. It is shitty of FIL to put you both in this position, i imagine he would feel guilty too if your OH missed the birth! Hope it gets sorted and will see you over in the feb thread.

bessie26 · 21/01/2011 13:03

You say "DH would never forgive himself for missing it" so surely he should be making the call about whether to go or not?

DH said he wouldn't be going anywhere after 36 weeks for fear of missing it, but DD arrived at 33 so this time he's not going away after 32!

dazedandconfused · 21/01/2011 13:12

On average first babies are born at 41 weeks and it's only overnight. As long as you can call him and demand his return at the slightest twinge of labour, I would say relax, get a takeaway and a good movie and enjoy having the bed to yourself! 10 hours should be plenty of time for him to get back before things hot up. At risk of sounding 'in tune with the moon', I think our bodies wait until the right time anyway. Good luck and hope you can find a decision you feel relaxed with.

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