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Original poster

DH going away - am I being precious?

41 replies

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 11:06

So DH is in discussion at work about going away for an overnight when I will be 37+3 with our first DC.

The place he will be going is Europe, so not the other side of the world, but there are no direct flights and no option to Eurostar home etc., so realistically, if I had to call him if I went into labour, it would be around 10 hours before he could be with me.

The trip is I guess moderately important, but not crucial (and FWIW, should have been 'mooted' way before this if it was reeeeally important), and there is an opportunity to do this meeting later in the year if people co-operated (it's his Dad's business, and the person he needs to meet is an employee who works remotely from Germany).

I know there are lots of people whose OH's work away a lot (and I'm kind of spoilt because we're almost always within 30 minutes of each other), I'm just not sure whether I'm being really precious saying I really don't think it's a great idea and could they possibly pick a time a bit later on?

I know it's not very likely that I will go into labour then, and realistically, I honestly feel if I did, and had to have my Mum with me instead of DH, I would be 'OK', but my concern is that I know DH would never forgive himself for missing it and dealing with the emotional side of that would be pretty stressful.

Any thoughts/insight? I'm perfectly prepared to be told to pull myself together!

OP posts:

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 13:56

Dazed - if he had to go for a real reason and not just because his Dad cba then I'd agree, but I think it would cause a huge rift if he went and the baby came while he was away. 10 hours is only 10 hours when it's planned, otherwise it's flight dependant isn't it - not too many airlines fly through the night :(

His Dad can go or it can be done in May - I don't see the point in taking the risk.

PrincessScrumpy · 21/01/2011 14:03

I wouldn't let dh go - but i'm stressy wife and quite demanding! dh loves me though. Actually he works an hour away and hated being so far in case of emergencies (I went into labour at 32 weeks) so I know he wouldn't go anywhere from 30 weeks onwards.

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 14:07

With my 1st I would have been fine with this - although as it happens dc1 was born at 37+0, so I wouldn't have been pg.

With dc2 ex was talking about going to South Africa for a week when I would have been 37 weeks. Given the early arrival of dc1 I was non-happy about this. He didn't go. Dc2 was born at 36+6.

RantyMcRantpants · 21/01/2011 14:13

I had my first 36+3 in 4 1/2 hours. Second in 1 3/4 hours at 38+2 and third in 30mins at 37+2. I am talking from first twinge to birth on those timings, so anything can happen.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 14:23

bessie26 yes it probably is his call, but I think he feels he's pulled in both directions (weird family business obligation thing), and at the moment over the phone/email at work, I am trying to grasp whether he would rather I did a nutty and said no way so he didn't have to, IYSWIM. He doesn't want to go, I just think he is trying to figure out whether he really should or shouldn't.

Dazed Yeah, the ten hours is realistically if I called him mid-morning and he called to get a flight there and then, maybe 1.5 hours to get to airport, 1 hour to get on flight, 2 hours for first flight, minimum 1.5 hours transfer (not very convenient connections), 2 hours second flight, 1 hour at home airport (Manchester immigration notoriously slow at the mo) and min half an hour to get to hospital. That's if everything went swimmingly. If I called at 10pm, then realistically that whole process wouldn't start until maybe 5.30am when flights started up again. If flights were full or whatever, then longer. I pretty much think if anything happened while I'm away, there is a good chance of him not making it home. It's the likelihood of anything happening that is a bit more up in the air. It seems like for everyone who says 'first babies are always late' there's a story of early first babies!

Hmmm...I think we're going to be discussing this further over the weekend!

Thanks again for replies, from all angles, it's been useful.

OP posts:

Loopymumsy · 21/01/2011 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 14:37

Loopy I'm not going to insist either way, I just want him to be able to make a decision he's happy with and of course for baby to stay in so he gets to be there when it's important.

I guess it's become obvious that there is a certain amount of baggage attached to the family business/FIL/obligation side of things which makes this a loaded decision for him either way.

You're right though he does need to make this decision himself. Me being manipulative (whether with good intent or not) isn't the answer, and I wish his Dad wasn't being equally manipulative about the less than ideal timing of this .

Thanks again for thoughts, we'll talk soe more tonight.

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2011 14:46

DH is mid relocation and will be living in England with me in New Jersey. He has an agreement with continential that they will put him on the first flight they have to New York if I go into labour before 39wks. His employer have agreed to pay for any seat on the plane if this happens. If I have not gone into labour, at 38+6 he is flying in and my obn has agreed to induce on June 25th (wk 39) if I have not popped already.

Once I get to 36 weeks I have my mother coming over for a week and then my father will fly in until DH arrives. If you have parents close by you should be fine. Worse case call an ambulance and get them to take you to the hospital.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 16:21

Delia - you insisting he puts you and your unborn baby first is not being manipulative. I didn't want to say this before, but how would you feel if anything was to happen to this baby and DH wasn't there because he was at a meeting that his Father could easily attend instead or which could be put off until May - hardly a long time away and hardly dire consequences if he doesn't go to it.

His Father is being an arse. Just because he didn't attend his childrens births, doesn't mean he should be riding rough shod over his son's feelings.

I honestly think that if DH can't be there at the birth due to this stupid meeting, it will cause a much bigger family rift than if he just says 'No, it's not possible then, you go now or I'll go in May'.

I'm not sure if his Father is dense or manipulative - but it's him causing this issue not you!

Wanttobe I'm not saying a DH should never go away/be away during a pregnancy, it's just that in this case it seems so completely unnecessary when there are at least 2 other really good options. I hope your plans work out well for you :)

robino · 21/01/2011 16:52

I've been thinking about this and think I agree with ChippingIn. It does sound like there are completely acceptable other options and Delia's DH already has a week long business trip booked when the baby will be 4 weeks old (I'm assuming that also means that if Delia goes overdue the baby could be just 2 weeks old?).

Ok, so it's unlikely to be the end of the world if he does go on this trip but it does seem unnecessary.

Original poster

Deliaskis · 21/01/2011 16:54

ChippingIn, it's interesting you are the first person to mention things potentially going wrong, as that has been on my mind a bit lately (just dates getting closer and being a first time Mum, and a close friend recently having an eclamptic fit , whilst another close friend having baby at 35 weeks). Both very very unlikely and you can't like your life assuming bad things are going to happen, but still, I have to confess it is in the back of my mind a little bit.

Anyone ever done risk assessments? I'm thinking about when I used to do them and score likelihood of risk x by potential seriousness of risk! Risk of something (good or bad) happening when he's not here, quite unlikely, but potentially very serious, risk of something bad happening because he doesn't go, not that likely, not that serious. He's an engineer, maybe it will help him to look at it this way. We made our decision about the flu jab in the same way, and it helps sometimes to know you're actually being quite unemotional about it.

Thanks ChippingIn for your thoughts, and FWIW, I'm not sure whether FIL is being dense or manipulative either, he has form for both!

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 21/01/2011 20:16

nah no way. I am fairly tolerant of work issues,from being in the workplace and relying on people but your Fil is just being unreasonable.

Times have changed fathers are around to help their wives and are present at the birth. I would just say it is too late, in particular highlighting if something goes wrong he wouldn't forgive himself for being away.

Don't be appologising either ! you are not being precious just practical

PartialToACupOfMilo · 21/01/2011 20:29

I had my first baby at 38 weeks and everyone had told me first babies don't come early. By the time I called out the midwife (planned homebirth) to check me over - I thought I was in labour, but wasn't sure - I was fully dilated and dd arrived 90 mins after the midwife did.

I'm not saying that all births are like this (of course they're not) but just that you can't rule it out. Your baby will only be born once and your dh should do everything he can to ensure he is there.

In my opinion, obviously

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2011 22:25

Deliaskis - get your DH to travel hand luggage only. My DH and I do this when on business trips and it cuts out a lot of time.

Also, if you are in labour the airline will have someone meet him off the plane and walk him through security. Continental did this when I had to fly home from Canada after DH was admitted to hospital. It took about 10mins for them to get me from the plane to a taxi and that was Newark airport at rush hour. I would avoid the budget airlines.

Oneof4 · 21/01/2011 22:26

Delia you should really mess with your FIL's head and do everything possible to go into labour at 37+2. No way of DH going anywhere then!

We are due on the same day so will be thinking of you then. :)

Sparklies · 21/01/2011 22:37

My first was 36+6 and it was a sudden, out the blue labour lasting only 3 hours. I'd been told to expect to go overdue so I went into shock when it all happened when it did! There was nothing in my history or my mother's history to suggest this kind of thing happening.

Frankly DH was not much use at the labour (and I could have cared less if he was there or not) but for his sake I didn't want him missing being there when his first child was born. If he'd been at work that day and I'd had my homebirth as arranged (the transfer to hospital due to being before 37 weeks stalled my labour) chances may have been good he might not have made the 90 minute journey home before baby arrived!

35-36 weeks, probably okay for trips over a few hours away. 37 weeks it had better be something incredibly important, which by the sounds of it, it isn't. Remember the Law of Sod which loves to come into play as well!

I'm assuming you have a non-DH-involving plan to get to the hospital otherwise that would be another complication.

37 weeks is term - babies arrive then - you're definitely not being unreasonable!

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