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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

upset at GP reaction to pregnancy

31 replies

panashe · 19/01/2011 09:39

Hello, I find myself drawn back to mumsnet after finding out I was pregnant over Christmas.
Have new GP due to house move and last week registered with nurse told her about pregnancy and she was very supportive and positive..made me appointment with a 'lovely' doctor who I went to see yesterday.
I went in and he was all smiles saying Oh I believe you have good news, is this your first pregnancy ?

and I said no I have 4 children, youngest is 12, but am in new relationship.His attitude changed completely. He started humming and haaing saying Oh well you still have time to change your mind and that he wasn't judgemental !!! Started quizzing me about new relationship , if he had children and if he saw them and I just came away feeling like he thought I was completely mad to contemplate having a child at 41 with new partner, and that I needed to decide whether to continue with pregnancy. I said to him I wanted him to refer me to midwives and he said if I wanted to change my mind I could go back to see him. He also told me he had 4 kids and think the thought of starting again horrified him. Has anyone else had negative experience due to age or family circumstances ?

By the way new partner is 10 years younger, has one daughter who he has custody of and is delighted we having baby. Just waiting until fist scan before we tell my brood :)

OP posts:
missmehalia · 19/01/2011 09:42

Aww.. it's such a sensitive time. I remember telling my sister I was pregnant with my first, and being terribly hurt when she asked if I was going ahead with it (the associated relationship was less than ideal, shall we say.) And if she had an iota of knowledge about how it feels when you find out you're pregnant, she would have known that I probably would never have told her in the tones that I did.

I think people can often say hurtful things without meaning too.

However, the fact that this guy is a GP means he should know better - his feelings or opinions shouldn't come into it!!

truffleshuffle · 19/01/2011 09:42

Oh ignore him the nosy bastard. None of his business and is totally out of order to suggest you may want to consider ending the pregnancy.
Take no notice and CONGRATULATIONS! Smile

missmehalia · 19/01/2011 09:44

And congratulations, by the way, babies are a miracle! Smile

OffToNarnia · 19/01/2011 09:47

Congratulations from another fortysomething.. mum. Unless your gp surgery very small, you could probably avoid this gp for future appointments. Could comment to your midwife that he was somewhat insensitive.

Original poster
panashe · 19/01/2011 09:49

Hi thanks for quick replies, I know I am sensitive but yes he was a nosey bastard !

missmehalia, my sister is another concern she had 3 failed ivf and went on to adopt but know it won't be easy conversation with her either, when I was pregnant previously she wasn't even trying but now its different as she wants to adopt again but her Dh totally against it.

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mamaloco · 19/01/2011 09:53

he was probably concerned. some women are pressurised to do things they don't want to. He had to check and let you know he will be there if you changed your mind. It is his job.

Original poster
panashe · 19/01/2011 09:58

But if I had gone in concerned then I would have understood but I went in happy and came away very upset

OP posts:
truffleshuffle · 19/01/2011 10:02

mamaloco - it is not his job to bring up the subject of maybe not continuing with the pregnancy. This should surely be brought up by the patient.

CrapBag · 19/01/2011 10:06

Sorry but I would complain about him.

What a disgusting attitude. It would have been different if you had gone in there all worried and wanting to discuss the issues he brought up but as you went in all happy and he was originally congratulatory, I would think that he disapproves and its none of his bloody business! Angry

Original poster
panashe · 19/01/2011 10:09

I agreee truffleshuffle, would he have raised same concern if I 33, first pregnancy and married, or if it had been late accident and i was still with father of my children ?

Mamaloco what you are saying could be true re doing his job but there must be many women of all ages who could be pressurised to do things they don't want to do..

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ChunkyChick · 19/01/2011 10:43

Awww, huge congrats to you. Have just had number two at 42 and couldn't be happier. Just ignore the miserable old codger.

jasmine51 · 19/01/2011 10:49

Congrats - we are excited for you! I am going to be 43 when dc arrives. I too have experienced odd reactions from family and my GP. Family = 'well, if you are sure this is what you want' 'you do realise this is a life long commitment'
GP = 'its probably not going to be an easy ride given your age, you need to be prepared to make some difficult decisions'
This is the same GP who refused to refer me for mc investigations after my 3rd mc because the 2nd one wasnt on my record.

I would urge you, if you are not happy with your GP to change now and find one you click with better. Your might be seeing him alot with your little one when it arrives so its important you get on, and have trust in him

PS he sounds like a tosser!

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 19/01/2011 10:54

I'm 24 and married but GP was similar. I don't think they're supposed to assume it's a wanted pregnancy and at 41, with 4 children already and a 12 year age gap it might have been an 'accident' IYSWIM so he might have worried that being smiles and saying good news had put his foot in it.

But congratulations! And good luck!

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 19/01/2011 10:56

Oh and on the subject of continuation I think they have to make you aware that you can choose not to because some women might not feel up to asking so the opening in the conversation needs to be given.

LilRedWG · 19/01/2011 10:56

Congratulations! Silly bugger of a GP, don't give him a second thought and don't tell your DC that Mummy and Daddy were offered an abortion by the GP - it won't make them feel special at all.

I say this because my Mum told me that when she was unexpectedly pregnant with me at the age of 38 our family GP offered her an abortion due to the risks of Downs etc. She wasn't upset by it and knew it had cost him to offer as he and his wife couldn't have children, but for some reason she thought it'd make me feel more special and loved that she hadn't aborted me. Hmm It didn't, especially as said GP was still my GP at the time.

vintageteacups · 19/01/2011 11:04

Definitely make a complaint to the practice manager (perhaps verbally at first but then in writing if you don't get a positve repsonse.

He should not be discussing his private life (he has 4 kids and his own thought about your pregnancy) etc.

This is a very unprofessional attitude and he shouldn't be laying his opinions upon other people, whether he agrees with them or not. He is there to listen, give you informed, well researched information and then either prescribe meds, tell you your options (not put his beliefs upon you) and leave it at that.

Original poster
panashe · 19/01/2011 11:06

GFAM I was never asked in my previous pregnancies if they were wanted. Guess I am assuming that at 41 the GP would think I am capable of making decision but give him his due its first time he has met me and doesn't know me but I do think he should have been lead by me

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vintageteacups · 19/01/2011 11:06

What he should have said (before humming and mumbling etc) was "and how do you feel about the pregnancy?"

A simple question like that would have gauged how you felt rather than turning into the more difficult convo it did.

vintageteacups · 19/01/2011 11:07

The above is such an open ended quesion panashe, that you then could have given him your answer without feeling an pressure or that you were being judged.

NeverThoughtItWould · 19/01/2011 11:11

Put it behind you and ignore anything negative - don't waste your time dwelling on insensitive remarks.

I was similar - 2nd marriage - 4 kids already the youngest was 10 and I was pregnant at 42. Negative comments came from my family who could not believe I'd contemplate it 'at my age!'

Enjoy and appreciate your pregnancy!

Ephiny · 19/01/2011 11:12

Is it normal to go to a GP about pregnancy unless you're considering a termination? I would have thought you'd see a midwife or obstetrician (unless it's your first pregnancy and you're not sure where to go, which might be why he made the assumption on finding out it wasn't your first time?)

Agree it seems a bit weird for him to bring up the subject without you indicating that you were unhappy or undecided about the pregnancy. Maybe they do that just to make sure it's a wanted pregnancy because some people find it difficult to bring up the subject themselves, or to make sure you know you have the choice? Sorry you were upset though, and congratulations on your news :)

Original poster
panashe · 19/01/2011 11:13

what got me was his complete turn around in reaction. It stunned me and I just sat there listening to him, wish i had said something now.

Yes Vintage that would have been the right question not to tell me I had time to change my mind. Even after I said to him that I would like to be referred he still talked about terminating

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funtimewincies · 19/01/2011 11:13

Try to ignore it and congratulations Grin!

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 19/01/2011 11:14

Agree with vintage - it's not the fact the subject was raised because it has to be, it's more how. His whole handling was clumsy, doubly so because of the 180 in terms of attitude from 'good news' (how would that have felt if it hadn't been wanted!) to the opposite.

'how do you feel?' is nice and open, you can give your range of emotions, he can say that you shouldn't feel pressured into continuing and there are options available without making you feel like you're bring judged either way regardless of what you say.

I admit I was slightly Hmm with my GP's 'i assume this is good news, because if it isn't there are a variety of options' opening salvo! Quite often i think they just don't know how to breach the subject and feel they've put their foot squarely in it.

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 19/01/2011 11:16

And yes, it may partly be that it's not typical to see your GP in some places unless you're at least considering a termination or you have concerns. But as you're new to the area you wouldn't necessarily know whether that's the case or not.