To become a mummy or not...?

[blenda]

I really don't know what to do. I have reading these threads for months looking for some insight.

I am 36 years old. I have a great career that pays over 100k per year and I live in a gorgeous European city. I great DP and we really enjoy our life. We spend our spare time sleeping, going out, shopping and generally doing what we like. Life is pretty stress free and a lot of fun.

Both of us had rotten childhoods and neither of us are close with our respective families. Both of us are really unsure about having children. We speak about it a lot. I think we would make great parents, but neither of us are crazy about kids. And do I really want to give up what I have for the lifelong responsibility? We would have no family support and financially things would be very different as my DP earns much less than I do.

Anyone else out there had the same dilemma? Any insights?

Thanks in advance. I really wish I had my mum to speak with about this.

Kids are FOREVER.

If you're not sure then best not to go there.

I was 35 when I (accidentally) fell PG with dd. I felt a bit like you - liked the idea of children but couldn't see how they would fit in my life.

She literally rocked our world - but in the nicest possible way! I still worked - I too was the main earner at the time - and we had no local family support.

It was a shock to the system, I have to admit, but nearly 7 years on she is the true light and love of my life. I found the first few months quite hard, adjusting to the change in pace and the responsibility.

As time went on we got a babysitter and got out again. We still go on holiday - though maybe they are more beach/pool based than exciting city breaks. We don't go out so much (on our own) in the evening as we used to. I don't mind though.

To me, the sheer joy that she has brought to our life more than outweighs any negative points. Your attitude changes - you become less selfish I think, but also seeing things through the eyes of a small child makes you think and appreciate simple things more. You see your life afresh ifyswim.

Your maternal instincts are obviously kicking in a bit here but you are correct- it most certainly is a lifelong responsibility that will impede your ability to do as you please, when you please.

I guess you just have to weigh it up for yourself and decide which you want more.

It's a really individual thing.

Agree with StartingAfresh. If you don't want to do it with a burning passion, why do it? For what reason? It doesn't sound like you want children.

Thing is, it isn't something you can do temporarily. It isn't like you have children and then get your life back 16 years later. You NEVER get your life back.

I didn't have a brilliant birth so I'm not sure if it influenced this, but on day 2 of my ds' life I suddenly that I would never be happy again.

What I realised far too late was that a child changes you out of all recognition as you now have someone who you would die for and worry about every minute of every day until YOU do die.

I learnt, over the next few years that that 'suffering' is worth it a million times over, so we went on to have a second and are planning our third, but don't do this if you aren't ready. It isn't fair on anyone.

If you remove the rotten childhood memories and think of the lessons you have learned as a result, it might distil your thinking and make it clearer to you. My childhood was not ideal but I'm an adult now and can forgive what happened, paving the way for my own life. I finally came to the realization that if I want kids, I'll have them and that has nothing to do with my upbringing. I found when I was younger it was easy to dismiss family life because of my career etc and I associated children with unhappy families but if you look around, there are lots of very lovely families. If you truly want it, don't deny yourself. Likewise, don't follow the me too party if it really isn't what you want! :)

I didn't think about why I wanted children. I should have thought about it more but tbh I would still have had them. I would have thought everything would be okay.

I like Portofino's post. Do you think you might look back in years to come and regret not having had a child (or children)? Think of the things you could do, showing this new person everything and everywhere that you love and enjoy. I love Shetland, it's a dear place to me, and showing my DDs it and them loving it too makes me enjoy it so much more.
I hope I'm making sense; parenthood is more a series of adventures and opportunities than a series of limitations. :)

blenda you story sunds pretty much like mine, however DP really wanted kids. One thing he asked me was "can we carry on as we are for the rest of our lives, or do we need something more ?".
I had a good job that I enjoyed, new car every three years, large house, weekends away, holiday home, meals out every weekend, foreigh holidays. I diliberated over the questions for many months but decided I did want more, the material stuff was nice but I needed more.
I had DD 6 months before my 40th Birthday, she is the best thing ever. Nothing much has changed, so we don't go out as much and foreign holidays now have to be child friendly, but I love being a Mum. We enjoy afternoons in the park, walks by the river and rainy afternoons baking and drawing. She is bloody hard work but worth it.

I suppose you need to answer that question, I aslo think the longer you leave it the more selfish you get, but then the longer you leave it the more you can enjoy it.

Blenda for me it was all about the future and where we were going next. We'd done travelling, done living abroad, done wild nights out, done expensive clothes and beautiful houses but what was next ? I hated the idea that the next 30 years was just going to be more of the same.

Sure its lovely to just book a weekend ski break just because you can but I started to tire of it.

I wanted to have more of a reason to life, I loved the idea of all the things we could do with children, where we could take them. They are dual nationality and we wanted to spend time in both countries, giving them the best upbringing we can. Once you have children life is really an adventure, just a totally different kind of adventure.

Thank you everyone for being so open and honest. This is very stimulating and I think I really need to think it through quite some more. Thanks again. All advice is much appreciated.

Blenda,
it is a slightly different decision for women who earn significantly more than their partners, I think - like you, I have a very good salary and our income will take an absolute battering if I get pregnant as I would take a full year's maternity leave. We've managed to save up enough to equal the drop in salary and my husband is pretty confident that he'd be happy to stay at home with a baby after that first year as it wouldn't really be possible for me to do it without us moving house and really scrimping and saving.

I'm also fortunate in that I've reached the point I wanted to be in my career about four years earlier than I'd have planned, so I'm happy to tread water for a bit and focus on other things. There's no question that we want children - we do, very much indeed - but it's a much easier decision to make when you've figured out your approach to the practical things that could become obstacles. If you work them out and you're even slightly unsure, I'd think very carefully for all of the reasons given above.

I think it rocks you to the core. It's like I have a whole new dimension to my life since becoming a mum. I became a mum at 29 but had a good job and great lifestyle but somehow I just felt there was more. I have honestly learnt so much about myself and evolved so much since having kids so if you believe life is a learning journey it will fit for you. However the negatives are the restrictiveness that comes with small kids, the relentless exhaustion and the constant worry. However it truly does feel weird to know you would chop off your right arm with a plastic spoon for them if needs be- it's really a very animal experience which is so far removed from the corporate bubble that I was existing in before. Ps- you make amazing new friends too- people you never would have met before from all walks of life.

Blenda, I'm in a very similar position - good salary, fantastic DP, full social life, not at all close to either of our families. I've known since 19 that I don't want children, and DP feels the same, but that's not to say that I haven't questioned that decision regularly in the intervening years.

I'm an Early Years professional and I have worked with many parents who quite clearly did not want to have children and give every impression of regretting them ever since. It's a horrid situation for parents and children alike. I agree with previous posters that there is NO GOING BACK - it's probably the most massive decision ever and good for you for thinking it over so seriously.
You say that you're not that keen on children - I work with them and love being around them but only for short periods! There is no way on this green earth I could be happy having children around me all the time. Being a parent is damn hard work and I can't imagine how soul-destroying it must be to have to do that job if you weren't sure about it in the first place.

Why do you feel that you're thinking about the possibility? Is it hormones? Or external pressure from friends/family/society?

I had DS two weeks before my 40th. People keep telling me I will have another but frankly there is NO way on earth I am doing that again!
The same people say "I can't imagine life without my children" and I just think "how lacking in imagination are you, it was great!".
I do love DS 6mo very much but the shock to my body, brain, marriage and ability to do the things I like doing has been immense. I too have no family and really did not know how much I needed them.
If I could turn back the clock, much as I love him, I would not have done it. You will not ski, take weekend breaks, enjoy a lie in or a spontaneous night out for the next ten years. All your friends will talk about poo and you will be grateful for them because your child free friends have simply no idea of the horror of sleep deprivation.

I love being a parent, I have two children and would love more, it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done BUT...BUT...my first child? Christ, where do I start? It shocked me to the core. I just wasn't prepared (although I naively thought I was, I wasn't) for the end to my glamourous life as a media diva ....the lie ins, the travelling, the spontaneity, the fashion (the size 8 body to hang the fashion off ).

Fucking hell, it was harsh.Talk about baptism of fire.

And the thing is, I desperately wanted a baby. I was as broody as hell.

Which is why I am always slightly reluctant to say 'yeh, go for it, jump in!' to people who are ambivalent about it.

Athrawes, that is a very brave post, good for you. I wish more parents like you felt able to discuss the negative aspects of parenthood. I don't think it does anyone any favours to discuss parenthood as a magical, life-enhancing, spiritual experience without sharing that it is simply not like that for everyone

I hope you enjoy your DS. He's got a very strong and brave mummy

I don't know why, but I am thinking about babies all the time. Baby names...being pregnant...breastfeading...teaching them to speak...I don't even find babies that cute and hate hearing them cry. All my friends are popping them out all the time. I keep thinking how happy I am sleeping off my hangovers every weekend and doing what I want when I want...but babies keep popping in my head.

Nanny- totally agree about the shock. I honestly thought I'd ruined my life for the first 8 months. I was back visiting work after 2 weeks with him asking when I could come back as I couldn't cope with the lack if control I now had on my life. Life is now complete chaos with 3 boys under 4 but I gave acclimatised in a good way. I have significantly lowered my standards on all fronts. I told my childless sil the other day that I was so glad it was the weekend cos dh could watch the kids for 5 minutes and I could put some make up on for the first time that week. She looked horrified but that's how base it can now be. Haven't even managed moisturiser today but have been in the shower!!

Ps blenda- I'd only held a baby before having one myself. Didn't like them at all really but just felt this hormonal need.

Read interesting article in mil's good housekeeping about life coach who helps with this specific decision. She asked the woman who was feeling the peer pressure but unsure what she saw herself doing of a Saturday afternoon in ten years time. She said sitting on sofa drinking coffee or something abd from that she found the inner peace that she didn't really see kids in her future but she didn't feel any anxiety about it.

Blenda, it sounds like hormones to me! I feel the same sometimes, find myself picturing what our baby would look like etc. I like whoodoo's idea about picturing yourself in 10 years time - what would you like to be doing?

blenda, I think noone regrets the decision to have children, but lots of people regret not having them. I was never into children, held a baby once in my whole life before giving birth to my daughter, and could never imagine myself being a mum.
However, unlike you, we are very close with our parents, and both me and my dh had great childhoods. I fell pregnant very fast after we started trying and of course, going from being childless and being able to just do whatever you want to having a small humany being totally dependent on you, was a big shock. And the first year was very tough. But she's 2 now and is so wonderful, and I can't contemplate not having her. We live in a different country, so our parents try to come often, but most of the time we have to rely on ourselves. It's tough sometimes, but honestly, when they start to walk/talk/sleep by themselves, you do start to get your life back- only enhanced by the beauty of a new person that you are creating.
Good luck ;-).

Athrawes - but your baby is only 6 months old. The hardest bit is when they are tiny and you are getting over the shock of your life being turned upside down. I felt the same at that stage. Just give it a bit of time and I bet you feel entirely differently.

"You will not ski, take weekend breaks, enjoy a lie in or a spontaneous night out for the next ten years. All your friends will talk about poo and you will be grateful for them because your child free friends have simply no idea of the horror of sleep deprivation."

This does not last - honest. We have been on holiday, had weekend breaks abroad, lie-ins, nights out. You just have to take things in turns, find a good babysitter, be a bit more organised. Little babies are remarkably portable.

As someone who thought very hard about this and am now pregnant I really sympathise, blenda. The trouble is you know everything that you will give up / lose, everything that will change for the worse, but you have to take on trust the amazing joys gained by everyone here and (almost) everyone in the wide world who has children. It is much easier to imagine the loss because it's concrete, but that doesn't mean the joy should not be a pull factor, even if it's a matter of faith not reason. After about three years of thought my husband and I decided to go for it because we were pretty sure we would regret not doing so in the future. Neither of us are especially baby people. I love friends' babies but enjoy handing them back. I'm an only child of a frankly child phobic mother (now adoring, and desperate to be a grandmother, so she changed her tune at some point - not till I was about 15 though :)) but I still felt that ultimately having a child is a meaningful thing, perhaps the most meaningful thing one can do. Hangovers (or the means of getting them at least) and hedonism are great but I did not want to wake up old and wishing I'd done something it was now too late for. My personal feeling is that one often regrets not doing things, but rarely doing things (even if they are bad in parts). Having said all that, it took us 11 months to conceive - not so long but I'm 30 and was convinced it would happen instantly - and during that time we decided if it did not happen naturally we would not seek intervention but proceed with our lives satisfied that we had tried and not turned our backs on what seems 'natural'. That's a personal decision, and does not mean we want the forthcoming baby any less, but just that we decided it was not the be all and end all. Maybe that would have changed in later years but I'm not so sure. So I don't agree that you have to be 100% desperate for a child to go for it and commit to being a good parent (not that I am yet!) but you do have to think and consciously commit; in particular think about what happens if everything is not smooth, if God forbid, you have a disabled child, for example. It might not all be violin lessons and high achievement. I still have days of terror about this.

I was lucky in that at the age of 28 I split up with long term bf, met someone else, he lost his job, I quit mine and we moved 300 miles away.

At that point my life had changed so irrepairably that to have a child (we had alot of savings) seemed to lose it's scariness. We didn't spend months weighing up the pros and cons - we just did it as it seemed right.

I was a teacher but I really had no experience with kids under 11. Babies didn't interest me as a group - but my baby is different. I now have two and another on the way.

My uni friends thought and pondered and thought again how much a baby would change their lives and it terrified them. It took the realisation that in 10 years time they would be upset if they didn't have one, to make them take the plunge. They have a beautiful 5m old and very few regrets.

It's life changing. But in a good way. It's like the best possible adventure!