To become a mummy or not...?

[blenda]

I really don't know what to do. I have reading these threads for months looking for some insight.

I am 36 years old. I have a great career that pays over 100k per year and I live in a gorgeous European city. I great DP and we really enjoy our life. We spend our spare time sleeping, going out, shopping and generally doing what we like. Life is pretty stress free and a lot of fun.

Both of us had rotten childhoods and neither of us are close with our respective families. Both of us are really unsure about having children. We speak about it a lot. I think we would make great parents, but neither of us are crazy about kids. And do I really want to give up what I have for the lifelong responsibility? We would have no family support and financially things would be very different as my DP earns much less than I do.

Anyone else out there had the same dilemma? Any insights?

Thanks in advance. I really wish I had my mum to speak with about this.

I too have a great career earning over 6 figures living in London, love my shopping in Selfridges, expensive hairstyles, fancy restaurants and exotic holidays.

Before we decided to ttc I felt very similar to you. I do think that parenting is not for everyone but for me our life had become samey - predictable, a bit 2 dimensional. I knew deep down I wanted a child and for me the lifestyle change was just my latest challenge. I work bl*dy hard at my job and now I work bl*dy hard at being a mum too. I thrive on new challenges.

I still work, still buy nice things (not so often) still holiday (although nowhere exotic - yet!) If you embrace being a parent as a new chapter in your life it is easy to make it work for you. We look back on life before DD with fondness and look forwards to life with DD (and more if we are lucky!) with excitement.

It is interesting that you posted in the pregnancy thread. Are you leaning more towards ttc than not?

I am 24 weeks pregnant at the age of 30 and have always wanted to have children but after taking a year off to travel the world and concentrate on my career which I have done and become successful. I was over the moon on finding out I was pregnant and then a few weeks later, the panic set in, what had we done, how our lives would irreparably change, what we were giving up. Then I got a 1 in 2 chance of the baby having a problem and all of a sudden I realised that there was a real chance that there might be something seriously wrong with this baby and everything else just went out of the window as somewhere along the line I loved it more than I thought was possible. We were incredibly lucky and got clear results back. But as I have not been having a great pregnancy, I have finished work early, given up on a promotion that has been discussed and probably had a huge detrimental effect on my career that I have spent years building - but I just don't care any more. Nothing is more important to me and my DH than this little baby that I am growing.

I didn't know it would feel like this but I can't wait to meet this little one. Tbh I don't think it's possible to go into this experience fully knowing the consequences - that's why it's life changing.

It is really hard to look at other people's children children and think 'Wow! They're great. I want one of those.' Because they are 'other people's children. Its a bit like looking at other people's husbands - you don't want their husband (well sometimes ) - you want your own husband.

Also, without a doubt the first stage of a child's life - the first few years are hard and that is when I missed my old life most. I mourned for my pre-child carefree life. Going out with just a purse - not having to pack nappy bags, change of clothes, worrying about feeds.

But children grow! A fact that amazes me. They make you laugh, they make you feel young again. They tell what the current slang is, they rely on you - and they also take care of you. A hug from my son (9) when I'm feeling unwell is just so sweet.

And when they get older, well they tell you about films, books, plays etc - its what I do with my parents. Its this connection to life that I love about children. If I didn't have kids I reckon I might be getting bored by restaurants and weekends away by now or maybe not?

I also think that you don't have to know 100 per cent you want a child. What about all of us who have lovely surprises.

There seems to be a very mixed bag of advice here and I can only add to it I'm afraid.

I was in a similar situation to you - I'm 36 now and I'm the main wage earner - I earn quite a lot and work long hours.

Regardless of which decision you make, you can never go back - I made 'the decision' to have a baby when I was 34 and DP and I spent the next two years trying to get pregnant. The longer it took the more I began to panic and realise that not everything comes down to 'my decision'. Had I known it was going to take 2 years, I would have tried earlier no question but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'm not particularly fond of other peoples children - people seem to detect my feelings which may be a reason why none of my friends have ever even asked me to babysit - ever!! I just don't come across as 'mumsy'.

Having said that - when I tried to imagine the two different lives I would potentially have, the childless carefree one and the life where I had someone to look after for the rest of my life, I knew I wanted the latter.

Baby isn't here yet (due in March) but I just can't wait to meet him - I've only been pregnant for 31 weeks but he's already made my life much richer. I don't need to 'give up my life', it's not an either/or situation but it just means in the first few years I'll need to plan a bit more - after that, there's no reason why we can't do 'what we want' and include our little man.

Good luck with your decision, it sounds like your DP is also very supportive which must be a big help x

I didn't like children. I wasn't even sure that I wanted children - so I was thinking I would allow myself to be led by my partner, whoever he might be. My partner (now DH) wanted children so I thought - ok, let's give it a go. I was 39. We got lucky, DS was conceived on month 3 and born when I was 40. Right up until the day I was induced, I wasn't sure I had done the right thing - I didn't feel maternal, I didn't enjoy being pg, I didn't know if I could cope or how I would manage to be a mum.

I hated loud repetitive noises - I was talking about buying a pair of industrial ear-defenders to shut out the noise when the baby was born! I firmly believed I would be in the strict camp - not necessarily GF but definitely "my rules, not the baby's".

My only real inkling that I might want children was that I knew if someone told me that I could never have any, if the choice was taken away from me (through illness or accident) that I would be upset.

Then DS was born - and it all went out the window. I didn't experience the rush of "mother love" that people talk about - it was like meeting someone I'd known for a long time but never seen and bonding instantly. I was a hopeless case as far as the strict stuff went - co-slept with DS, didn't leave him to cry for any length of time because he mostly stopped when he was picked up (and because he had an inguinal hernia).

I wouldn't be without him - despite having changed my life immeasurably, including being uprooted from the UK and transplanted to Australia as DH is Aussie, meaning working is much harder than it would have been if we'd stayed in the UK - he is wonderful to have around. When he is being particularly tiresome or I am very homesick, I fantasise about "what if I'd never done this" - but tbh, I wouldn't change a thing.

Well, one thing - I would have done it all 5 years earlier if I could have - because we have been ttc no. 2 for 2 years now and are getting nowhere, and I am getting older and our time is running out. It may never happen and that is sad, because I would quite like another one, DH always wanted two and DS is fantastic with younger babies so would probably love to have a little brother or sister.

So - my advice to you - don't leave it much longer to choose because you might find the choice is taken away from you.