Expecting baby boy no.3 - need reassuring words (sorry a bit long-winded)!

[minimuffin]

I am 21 weeks with dc3. I have two boys - ds1 is 4 and ds2 is 2. Obviously I love them more than life itself. We decided to go for number 3 as we didn't feel quite ready to stop, thought 3 would be more fun as they get older, I wanted to experience pregnancy and a baby just one more time and there was the chance we might have a daughter which we would be the icing on that particular cake - so went for it.

After I had ds2 I was in slight shock that he wasn't a girl. We hadn't found out the sex but I think I was just pre-programmed to think that I would have a boy and a girl - I have a brother and a sister, all the families on my street growing up seemed to be boy/girl etc etc. So it took me a few weeks to come to terms with the fact that I had another boy (didn't see myself as the "mum of boys" type - not that there is such a thing) and might never have a daughter because we weren't sure we'd have 3. 2 years on I was so over that - loving having two boys, revelling in their differences and their closeness, really glad it had turned out that way. I don't subscribe at all to the notion by the way that boys are more of a handful or anything like that.

So I thought I'd dealt with all the "might never have a daughter" stuff and thought it safe to start ttc.

Anyway, had scan this week and it's another boy. Decided to find out this time because ds1 badly wanted a sister, and this is our last time and I didn't want to feel like I did immediately following ds2's birth. Initially I felt fine but now I just feel flat. Ds1 was quite crushed when told - and I would have loved to see his little face if it had been the news he wanted. Reaction from other people has been lovely and kind but I know how much higher the level of excitement would have been if it had been a girl. We'd have all been on cloud 9. If someone had said to me 5 years ago that I would have 3 children, 3 boys is the last of the 4 possible combinations I'd have picked.

I'm not as shell-shocked as I was after ds2 but now that I'm dealing with reality of never having daughter rather than possibility I might not, I'm going through some of the same feelings. Can't help feeling I've made my life a whole lot harder (having 3) for no reason. Worried that another boy will be a threat to the closeness of my 2 whereas a little sis would have been a lovely new influence.

Clearly we are adults, we thought of all this before I got pregnant, and we are happy we have been told ds3 will be healthy, so I feel a bit silly raking over old ground - what I'm looking for I guess are just some comforting stories or words of reassurance from people who've been there. Don't like feeling like this when I've got what I wanted, a healthy 3rd child, and feeling flat before Christmas!! Any words of wisdom?

Dont worry about feeling the way you do.

I already have two daughters , and am expecting my 3rd , I was so sure I was going to have a boy and when I was told it was another girl I felt like I was about to burst into tears!

I am off to bed (midnight in NZ) but just have to say
I have 3 boys and it is fab. Ds3 was very unplanned but we all love him to bits. They all play so happily together and have the same interests (with some differences - they are not clones).
It is great that you are being upfront and honest with yourself. Congratualtions, he will be gorgeous and everyone will love him. DS1 may be disappointed but play up all the ways he will be able to help you with the baby.

My 3 have chosen to all sleep in the same room and keep the other bedroom as a playroom.

Kids are kids whatever their gender, have fun.
I hope this is not too incoherent, I have stayed up way past my bedtime to wrap presents.

No real words of wisdom, but I have four boys and do understand how you feel.

All I can say is that four boys is fab,they are aged 9-18 now and i can honestly say the days of wondering about what it would be like to have a girl are long gone.

My boys are so different and to be honest gender doesn't come into it any more. They have all had different interests and each child has been an experience.

I don't know what is like to have three of the same sex so maybe someone else can help you out there as regard to friendship etc.

Don't feel bad about feeling this way it will pass. I didn't know the sex of no3 but when he was born I said "he's the right one" and he was

Why would it be easier to have a girl?
"When you have a boy you worry about one willy. When you have a girl you worry about all the willies."

So I don't think girls are necessarily easier.

I have one girl. I would have preferred my DS2 or DS3 to be a DD, so I do understand and sympathise with gender disappointment. I think it's important to explore what you think you're missing out on. There are always myths to be busted.

Sorry the point about the bedrooms was meant to illustrate what a good time they have together - they are aged 12,10 and 4. It is great because it doesn't matter who has a friend round they all join in and play together.

I don't have any words of wisdom as I am expecting my first, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I had similar feelings when I found out I was having a boy because I had been banging on for 20 weeks that my instinct was that I was having a girl and I just "saw" myself as the mother of a little girl etc. No idea why. I wasn't disappointed to be having a boy - but there was a strange flat feeling that I couldn't picture myself with a little boy. It only lasted a day or two though and now I am very very excited about him coming along.

I know that's not quite the same as your situation, but I don't think you should be hard on yourself. Your feelings are, I think, entirely natural and I'm sure they will fade away like they did after DS2 when you get used to the idea. Then you will be very excited about having a gorgeous trio of little lads.

Congratulations on your 3rd son! He will be wonderful and his brothers will love him and they wont be scarred by having to play with Barbie. :)

There is a certain excitement that goes with expecting the missing sex. It doesn't mean that the child you are having is any less unique and exciting though.

It is pretty common and natural to feel like you do. At the moment, you are kind of mourning the child/family you thought you'd have. You will be able to get this dealt with and out of the way by the time you baby is born and love him for who he is.

I found out that DS2 was a boy shortly before he was born. I was gutted as he was to be the last and went through the whole 'never having my daughter' feelings. He was born just 3 days later and I fell in love with him immediately.

Fast forward 4 years and I found out that baby no. 3 was a girl, the much longed for daughter. I was gutted that she was going to ruin my boy gang! Needless to say I did love her as much, and not more than, the boys when she arrived.

There is no logic to how you feel about this. Boy gangs are fab and there are times that I curse DDs female complexity compared to her brothers' straightforward boyness.

Three boys here, I 'found out' at my 20 (and 21!) week scans that we were having a girl and that there was a chance she would have Downes. When DS3 emerged the midwives giggled and handed me by baby with a 'do you want to see what you've got'. When I looked into his face I felt such a rush of love, (that I'd never had with the other ones). It felt to me like going on a blind date and then finding out the person I was meeting was someone I'd known and loved for a long time. A real 'oh it's you' feeling.

I LOVE having three boys, sometimes it's like raising a pack of lion cubs, someone on here once complained that women with lots of boys seem to wonder round the supermarket with a smug 'look what I made' look and I thought she must have been following me around! I had a brief moment of jealousy when three friends of mine all had DC3's that were girls over the next year, but as they have all turned into complete divas and my friends are now v envious of my all boy household I 'm pretty happy.

Hello,

I can understand how you feel. I'm a mum to 3 boys.

I'm pregnant with baby no4 & decided not to find out the sex, mainly because wanted to fall in love with my baby for being ... my baby.

My children are individuals with different personalities, likes, dislikes etc. I think that would be the case if I'd had a boy/girl mixture !

Many, many congratulations - having 3 boys is LOTS of fun.

Thank you ladies - EXACTLY the kind of things I needed to hear, so understanding. Especially reassuring to hear Maddiemostmerry that the feelings of a lost opportunity for a daughter will pass. Was wondering if I would find myself in 20 years time lingering in the girls section of M&S cooing over pretty dresses in a tragic, forlorn way. But given that I hate shopping and am not normally given to cooing over frilly stuff I guess it's unlikely! Just wondered if it keeps coming back to haunt you at various points in life. A friend is having her 3rd (already has 2 boys) and it's a girl - i'm expecting to find it a bit tricky when she arrives, I have had feelings of "grrr, how come it happened for her and not me" which I am trying to stamp on.

All sounds normal to me

My older boys have girlfriends now and that is nice.

Hi. I could have written your post - disappointed at having second boy, thought we would have another just to see what happened - ended up with DS3! The only difference is that we didn't find out at the scan as I knew I would feel how you are feeling, and I knew that if I found out at the birth I would love him anyway.

When I had him, I had literally a moment's disappointment before they handed him to me - as soon as I saw him I fell in love with him, and (not that I have any favourites!) I absolutely adore him. The relationships between the 3 of them are lovely - they are such a team. It will all work out - and don't worry about DS1 being upset - he will adore the baby when it arrives.

I just found out today that I'm having my third girl, my 2 are 4 and 15 months and like you DD1 desperately wanted a brother, she was a bit deflated to find out it was another girl. I am of course disappointed that I'll never have a son but my overriding emotion was joy that everything was ok with the baby and that reassured me that what I really care about is the baby not the sex. I've already started looking at newborn girlie clothes cause we never had those before cause we never found out before.......silver lining and all that!

also a mum to three boys here, and i have to say it is fab and so so much easier they are the same sex.

DS1 is 11.5yr and from my first marriage, i never thought i'd have any more children when we split up just 15m after his birth.

BUT then i did meet my lovely dh and gone on to have ds2 who is five next week then our little speedy ds3 who was conceived rather quickly and arrived 18m after ds2!

Really really pleased as they play together and share interests, although are completely different in personalities. They share clothes, toys and even a bed some nights. Really adore one another.

I have never really felt the longing for a girl it would be nice to maybe experience the differences but feel so 'programmed' for boys itms?

I am now expected DC4 only 10+5 so a way to go til gender scan!! But fully expecting another blue bundle!!

Congratulations three boys is lovely!!

From the other perspective, I had a dd after two ds's, and even though I just knew I was carrying a girl (was sooo ill!)when it was confirmed it totally freaked me out.......... Took me ages and several good talkings to from my best friend to convince that I could cope with a girl. I have to say, boys toys are LOADS more fun than girls. I would much rather be playing with Scalectrix than Barbie!! Enjoy your boys .

Now prg with no. 4 and dh is hoping for a ds (my boys are with xh, and dd with dh) so we will find out. This time I have not a clue, which is rather nice.

I completely understand what you're feeling. Ds3 arrived 8 months ago after ' trying' for a girl with dates and diet. Sending you big hugs. Won't pretend I'm completely over it but its about that grief that I'll never have daughter. Also upsets me when others have dc3 as a girl but then I look at ds3 and I know I wouldn't change him for the world.

I can't tell you what fun it is having 3 little boys- It's pure chaos- like looking after a pack of puppies. They all love each other so much and are very protective of ds3 even though they are only 4 and 2 themselves.

Whenever I do feel a but sad about it I just try to remind myself how lucky I am to have 3 beautiful, healthy, funny wee men who are all so different. Everywhere there are sad stories of infertility and illness and that is truly humbling-it reminds me to be very grateful for what I've got.

Your post maddiemostmerry is so reassuring for me. I have 2 ds' and I'm expecting dc3 (only 6 weeks pregnant). I'm just assuming now that it's a ds3 so I'm not disappointed.
It's strange because I'd love a girl but the idea of three grown up men sounds really good fun - they'd be much closer surely? The dynamics would be interesting and then fun meeting the girlfriends they might have?!
If there's a fear about being a disliked mil - I don't think it's inevitable. I'm a real people person however I'm not that close to my mum and I don't have sisters and so I wonder, perhaps I'd get on much better with a dil anyway? Sorry bit of a ramble...
Could talk on this subject all day!
One last thing though - the thing I think I'd find mist difficult if dc3 is a boy is the pitying looks from people!

minimuffin just imagine if your dc3 infact was a girl, imagine her as a real madam. You know the ones that moan if their hands are cold or if there's a tiny mark on their tights or their duvet cover doesn't match their dressing gown.... Compare that to your lovely boys :)

Hi minimuffin, I am going to copy you a post I made in April of this year in the "8 boys and wanting a girl" thread:

"I can totally understand the desire for a girl, I am 7 weeks pregnant with my third child (have 2 sons). We were not sure whether to try for a third BECAUSE my desire for a daughter was so strong. We talked and thought about it for well over a year and there have been many tears and much soul-searching. My dh was willing to try for a third to try to give me a girl but I was not willing to try for a baby on that basis. I had to make sure that it was a baby I wanted - not just a girl. I was terrified of resenting a baby boy. I adore my sons and would not want any subsequent children to feel I felt any less about them. I do believe that we have worked it through together and we will be thrilled with a baby of any sex. I will not deny though, that I am a little frightened that my feelings will return if this child is a boy (at the momet I am just happy to be pregnant and feel I will be excited - girl or boy). My gut feeling is that I will adore any child I have but maybe it's my hormones making me doubt myself!
What also worried me before I was pregnant was the reaction I would get from other people. I didn't want anyone to ask if I wanted a girl or to ask if I am disappointed if it turns out to be a boy. I have decided to be honest if anyone says anything and say "of course I would love to experience parenting a little girl but why would I love my little boy any less than I love the other two."
I am aware that there are many, many people out there who would give their right arm to be in my position and I know how very lucky we are. I have not broadcast my feelings and this is a very personal experience dh and I have gone through together. I have not told anyone how strongly I felt about a girl and would never tell my children (even iit is a girl) I am only writing it on here because we are strangers and it feels good to finally confess my feelings and fears.
Please try not to judge me, I can't help my private feelings but I know we have done everything we can to ensure that we have entered into this pregnancy for the right reasons."

Fast forward to today and I am cuddling my beautiful baby boy as I type. I have NEVER, not for one second since he arrived, wished he was a girl. I absolutey adore him, as do all the family.I hope this helps xxxxx

*absolutely

Cath what a great post!

lovely post Cath i agree!

I can understand your feelings, I'm pregnant (34wks) with DC2, DS1 is 20 months and love him to bits, though as someone else mentioned I kind of thought I'd be more of a girls mum and secretly hoped he was a girl, but on arrival, of course fell completely in love with him and agree, it's more about personality than gender. However, those old feelings are still there, and I'm secretly hoping that DC2 is a girl- decided not to find out the sex at the scan and the suspense is killing me. Kind of 'assuming' it's a boy to prepare myself. Of course if it's another boy I'll love him to bits, it's just that wistful feeling that It'd be nice to have a girl- and as someone else mentioned, there's someone else who found out at her scan she's having a girl, and I'm also trying to stamp on those feelings of 'why not me!' People also keep saying 'I think you're going to have a boy- I'm like, but why! And statistically I'm more likely to have another boy after a boy first time round? I think I'm just picking up on those particular comments as I'm sensitive to them. Anyway, I think these feelings are completely normal and I'm sure we'll all feel over the moon whatever the outcome when our babies arrive!

I have 2 lovely boys - 5 and a half and nearly 2 and found out that I am expecting another one.

I am really glad! I always assumed it was a boy and never understood why people kept saying "bet you hope it's a girl".

I know some truly delightful little girls but the "little madam" types send a chill down my spine. My brother has one and I am not keen.

It also appeals to my frugal (stingy) side - ie I don't have to spend money on any new baby clothes - though of course there are so many cute things out there, that I won't be able to help myself....

echo the others - lovely post Cath!

Perhaps the difficult thing to deal with since DS3 arrived is the negativity/pity that I've experienced from other people. When I had 2xDS I never got any comments about being a mum of boys but now it's become three I can get quite a few inferences that I've somehow lucked out or failed. Last week a woman whose third (after 2xDS) was a girl said 'I was lucky, I got a girl' and my best friend said of another friend who had a third 'she's obviously over the moon as she got a girl'. I find these kinds of comments quite hurtful to both DS3 and myself. I'm developing a stock of comments in relatiation to the 'wow-all boys (raised eyebrows)' comments that I'm getting on the bus. The only people who seem to be massively positive are older woman who've had three boys themselves and always come to speak to me - they only have great things to say which is surely a good sign for the future. Think I just need to develop a thicker skin really which I'm sure will come in time.

Anyway - I'm looking at the nursery photo of my three boys on the mantlepiece just now and they look fab together - I'm really chuffed with myself for making such lovely babies . They are so much fun (although very very noisy!!!)