Expecting baby boy no.3 - need reassuring words (sorry a bit long-winded)!

[minimuffin]

I am 21 weeks with dc3. I have two boys - ds1 is 4 and ds2 is 2. Obviously I love them more than life itself. We decided to go for number 3 as we didn't feel quite ready to stop, thought 3 would be more fun as they get older, I wanted to experience pregnancy and a baby just one more time and there was the chance we might have a daughter which we would be the icing on that particular cake - so went for it.

After I had ds2 I was in slight shock that he wasn't a girl. We hadn't found out the sex but I think I was just pre-programmed to think that I would have a boy and a girl - I have a brother and a sister, all the families on my street growing up seemed to be boy/girl etc etc. So it took me a few weeks to come to terms with the fact that I had another boy (didn't see myself as the "mum of boys" type - not that there is such a thing) and might never have a daughter because we weren't sure we'd have 3. 2 years on I was so over that - loving having two boys, revelling in their differences and their closeness, really glad it had turned out that way. I don't subscribe at all to the notion by the way that boys are more of a handful or anything like that.

So I thought I'd dealt with all the "might never have a daughter" stuff and thought it safe to start ttc.

Anyway, had scan this week and it's another boy. Decided to find out this time because ds1 badly wanted a sister, and this is our last time and I didn't want to feel like I did immediately following ds2's birth. Initially I felt fine but now I just feel flat. Ds1 was quite crushed when told - and I would have loved to see his little face if it had been the news he wanted. Reaction from other people has been lovely and kind but I know how much higher the level of excitement would have been if it had been a girl. We'd have all been on cloud 9. If someone had said to me 5 years ago that I would have 3 children, 3 boys is the last of the 4 possible combinations I'd have picked.

I'm not as shell-shocked as I was after ds2 but now that I'm dealing with reality of never having daughter rather than possibility I might not, I'm going through some of the same feelings. Can't help feeling I've made my life a whole lot harder (having 3) for no reason. Worried that another boy will be a threat to the closeness of my 2 whereas a little sis would have been a lovely new influence.

Clearly we are adults, we thought of all this before I got pregnant, and we are happy we have been told ds3 will be healthy, so I feel a bit silly raking over old ground - what I'm looking for I guess are just some comforting stories or words of reassurance from people who've been there. Don't like feeling like this when I've got what I wanted, a healthy 3rd child, and feeling flat before Christmas!! Any words of wisdom?

I found out what the sex was all for all four and experienced a strange flatness on hearing the news even when it was the news I wanted! I think it is to do with saying goodbye to the other gender, effectively it means that the 'baby' turns into a 'little boy' (or girl) from then on. That is the disadvantage of finding out at the scan (although I definitely wanted to know in advance). So I think it is okay to 'mourn' and I found it helpful overall to seperate the finding out from the birth itself, as I was not in the mood for suprises (even the 'right' suprise) at the birth or in the days immediately after the birth. Appreciate that others feel very strongly that they want to find out at the birth tho!

And I would agree with all those others who point out that it is the personality of the child which is most important (and of course you already know that).

Also agree that people make some weird and overly personal comments if you step outside the standard 'two children, one boy, one girl' I found once I went to DC3 and DC4 people would openly ask me if they were a mistake!!! (no, I really wanted them)

Enjoy your brood!!

I have 2 boys and 1 girl and I honestly don't think there is that much difference. I think they are more similar than different. I do think the boys are slighlty more affectionate but I agree with the poster who said they don't see the gender just the individual kids.

I have 2 boys and am 7 weeks pregnant and am kind of having the same feelings. I think if this little one (our last) is our third boy I will obviously love him as i do my other 2 but will mourn a little for the daughter I will never have. Wierd really because if I hear girl at 20 weeks I think i'd worry how a girl would upset the nature of our family. I have had dreams this is a girl, but think its just my mind playing tricks on me and its bound to be a boy. I look forward to finding out and putting those wobbly feelings behind me and moving forward with my complete and wonderful little family (probably of 3 boys)

Oh thank you so much to everyone who's replied, and Cath i loved your post. I too had to go through a whole process to make sure what I really wanted was a third child, rather than a girl, and I know I have "bounced back" quicker than I did efter DS2 so feel that I wasn't just kidding myself. I guess it's because I already know the joy of 2 boys - which I didn't after DS2 was born - and can see how 3 might be all that and more. I feel so much better about things having had a lovely few days with my little boys and good chats with my mum.

Asked DS1 when we were out for a walk today if he was looking forward to meeting his new little brother in May and he said yes, it doesn't matter that it's a boy... but then went on to say that it was a shame there are no girls in our family and could I make a girl. When I said I thought 3 children were enough he said no, four. Hmmm! That's the thing that's still making me feel a bit sad.

A friend with 3DSs and 1DD has warned me that I need to brace myself for the "oooh, 3 boys how do you cope?" comments in the supermarket etc. I am really reassured by those who say their 3 get on really well - has laid my mind to rest a bit about there being two close and one left out.

Thank you and best wishes to those who are pregnant and waiting to find out!

I have three boys. DS3 was very unplanned (on th epill, marriage in trouble, only slept with my now ex DH once in months and got pregnant). I even considered a termination, but couldn't go through with it. Found out at 20 week scan he was a boy and shed a few tears, which was a bit odd as I had wanted boys with my first two. Then whe he was born we found out he had Downs Syndrome too. I split with my husband when he was a few months old, it would have happened regardless.

Now, I love having three boys. They are all quite boyish together and get on well when they are not arguing! I am re-married and have since had twin DD's, who sadly we lost. I am now pregnant again. I am not sure how I will feel about either gender when we find out, which I want to do ASAP so any 'bad' feelings at the birth can be avoided. It will be hard either way.

DS2 wants a sister, not least as he 'nearly' (his words) had two sisters and wants to know what a sister would be like. I know he'll love any baby when it comes along though.

If I have another boy, it will be crazy in this house, but I have mainly female pets, so they balance it out a bit...

I'm not really qualified to post seeing as I have a girl (pfb) and 2 boys. However I must say that "girls" are not some homogenous pink/barbie/doll loving group. The image of girls as sedate and calm, sitting and colouring for hours is as far from reality as possible for me.

Dd is energy +++, has never liked anything girly, never played with dolls, could care less what she wears (unless it's a duck costume ). Girls are as varied as boys, I think the gender factor is overplayed. It is nice to have a girl, but tbh I have exactly the same relationship (she is 7) with her as the boys. Maybe that will change as she gets older, but daughters don't automatically guarantee a certain relationship.

Also a 3rd will change the dynamic whatever the sex. Luckily for me it brought dd and ds1 closer together, they all bicker and ds2 is a bit of a hair puller, but at least the cold war is over .

So sorry about your loss Midori.

Hi there i have 3 boys same ages as yours will be it is full on but fun and they are gorgeous it will be great - ignore all the stupid ooh do you want a girl comments (i never did particularly but constantly asked if we will "try again for the girl")

I have 3 boys and my sister has 4 girls. She receives as much negativity as I do in fact maybe a little more. Her dh was a bit disappointed when told that dc 4 was another girl. I am expecting no 4 and I chose to find out (dh and friends and family do not know the sex) and have been told it's a girl! Obviously I am over the moon, but am already finding myself being very defensive over my boys. I just know the minute she is born, everyone will say, 'Oh how lovely, a girl after 3 boys,' and 'I bet your so glad it wasn't another boy.' I'm already getting 'I bet it's another boy!' as if it's the worst possible thing to happen. I am trying to think of snidey remarks to say to people who make these comments (especially the ones who say it infront of my sons.) I do think it's other people's comments influence the way we feel when we only have one sex. If you say you're disappointed people think your ungrateful and if you say you're really happy, people think you're lying! You can't win

I think a lot of people feel differently from what they expect too. I have both sexes but if I am truly honest I think it would have been easier to have had one sex. I wouldn't have to deal with favouritism from MIL and worried about my relationship with one of my children. oH yes, and MIL comments.

Midori how awful for you and your children, i'm so sorry - best wishes for no.4. I hadn't thought of the favouritism thing IAmReallyFabNow but it's made me think. MIL doesn't know yet what we're having - seeing her day after tomorrow - but DH is fully expecting a "oh that's a terrible shame" reply.

We do all project and have ideas and dreams about how things will be, but it's part of being human. Funny how the little things affect us isn't it? I got a bit wistful when i thought about having a girl when I realised I would no longer be able to refer to my children as "the boys" or "the wee men". I get such a buzz out of hearing DH saying "come on lads!" Now we'll still get to do that! But I won't get to make an angel costume for the nativity play in 2 years time...!

Yes you will, DS1 has just been an angel in his nativity! V suitable in terms of looks (he is v angelic looking, blond and blue eyed) although perhaps less so in terms of his general behaviour...

Have been reading with interest. I am 34 weeks pg with DC3, who is also DS3. This is the only time I have found out the sex - 'knew' (gut feeling) DS1 was a boy, and felt pretty strongly that DS2 also was. And was v glad to have 2 boys. Definitely wanted third child rather than trying for a girl, but also knew that I would feel a bit wistful about not having a daughter if DC3 was a boy - so found out so that I could deal with it, and also so I could tell DSs whether they were getting a brother or sister.

So, found out that DC3 is DS3. DSs both claim to want a sister. Sigh. But I am increasingly thrilled by the idea of 3 boys, notwithstanding some of the pitying comments I have had (some in the hearing of the DSs - how effing rude is that?!) Have realised that what I was feeling a bit wistful about is silly, superficial things like buying lovely, pretty clothes for DC3 rather than boring boys' clothes with skulls all over them. I don't think that a relationship with a daughter would somehow be 'better' than the one I have with my DSs, which is very strong and a source of great joy (and, of course, some frustration, as they are only small, 4 and 2). I'm also not v close to my own mum, so don't glorify the mother/daughter relationship particularly.

Anyway, am rambling now. Just wanted to say that I think your feelings are natural, but am sure that you will fall head over heels in love with DS3 when he arrives - just as I am sure I will with mine. Getting v ready to meet him now - just need to think up some cheerfully withering ripostes to those pitying comments, and I will be all sorted!

I sympathise. I have DS1 and am expecting DC2 (don't know what it is yet). I really wanted/expected/totally believed I was having a girl for DC1 and was completely shocked to get DS. Of course, I love him to bits and the gender thing doesn't bother me any more. He's fab and funny and cute and I have learnt to love the challenge of picking out a really great outfit from all the tosh that is boy's gear out there

However now I am pg again I am finding I am once again really hoping this one is a girl but try to squash those feelings all the time (unsuccessfully). We will be finding out at the 20 week scan but I am so edgy about it I am considering maybe going for a private scan a week beforehand just by myself so that if it's a boy I can get over it privately and not be shocked/disappointed when we find out "together" "for real" at the 20 week scan if it's a boy. (I don't know if I will or not but I am toying with the idea, I don't want DH to guess how strongly I feel about it and also I don't want to influence him negatively if I'm a bit upset I won't have a DD i/e he will also feel more disappointed it's not a DD).

A close friend has just had her 3rd (a girl, after 2 boys) and she's really quite smug about it but then I guess it's relief perhaps rather than wanting to be smug per se. She knows I would like a DD and has been quite patronising and is assuming (without reason! ) that my current pg will be a DS again and not to worry, I can "borrow" her DD and buy girly things for her She should really know better as she was desperate for a DD herself and those kind of comments don't help.

My mum has also insisted she is certain I am having another boy and that has bothered me far more than I would admit to anyone. If it is indeed a boy it's like proving her right and I can only "do boys" like it's written in the stars or something.

I hate feeling so bugged about it all. I really understand how you feel.

Mog yes I am thinking up witty ripostes too as I get ready to face the world again in Jan. It is a bit insulting to existing DS's - a neighbour said to me when I said we were thinking about a third - "ooh but what would you do if it was another boy?" and I thought what the hell kind of reflection is that on the 2 I have?!! But I appreciate there's going to be a degree of oversensitivity on my part . Also totally with you on the tedium of choosing boys clothes - stripes anyone? - and the abundance of skulls and superheroes. Good luck with DS3 when he arrives.

Littleredbus - take it from me that whatever it is it will be fine and 2 boys is lovely, although you may be where I am for a little while as you contemplate a future minus appealing, imaginative clothes, ballet lessons and the different challenges that parenting a daughter must bring. You will get past it! I just needed to be told that by people with 3!

i have 3 grown ds and remember feeling almost inadequate as i went thru life. Looking back i can see it was other peoples attitudes and comments that made me feel that way,they are all individuals tho and all bring something different to the family.ds 3 trained as a ballet dancer so certainly broke the mould there.
Another angle worth pointing out is that you are very young to say that is that,i was 23 when had ds3 then when he was 12 had the urge to try for a 4th.i really couldnt have cared less what sex it was,it took 2 yrs to concieve and i was just excited to have a "baby" after 12 yrs.it so happened it was a girl but i can honestly say it made no difference to me,she was in fact a difficult baby and dh left me when she was 8months prob due to the stress of never sleeping,
I love her dearly now,she is 8 but feel no different about her than the boys and when we all get together its hilarious,they play some awfull tricks on me but i am well looked after.congrats on your 3rd fabulous boy xx

Thank you ledkrs that is interesting - I am 38 so I think this is the last one for me. DH also works long hours so I have no help Mon - Fri and really don't think I could cope with another...! Feel like I have aged 2 years during this pregnancy alone - so much harder 3rd time round

oh sorry,i mis read that you were 21.I thought you sounded mature!haha
I think you will be surprised,i bonded so well with ds3 cos i felt protective that people would see him as 2nd best.i have a close bond with my boys and they proved themselves as men when dh left and took over dd childcare when i was at work eg picking her up from nursery and getting tea and putting her to bed.they used to pack me off out at the weekend and babsit and were delighted when i met now dh.
Its all a hype,every child is special and individual dont get drawn into it.

Oh that's lovely - has brought a little tear to my eyes! Good for them. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I suppose that's how I felt after I had the sex confirmed by the scan - that people's reaction (and perhaps my own to an extent, if I'm being honest) would be that we had missed out on the first prize and got second, and knowing me I can imagine that yes, I will be very protective of him!

I have been watching your thread as I am expecting DC3 and have 2DS. I found out today #3 is a boy and feel I am now mourning the daughter I'll never have although I feel very selfish and ungrateful at the same time and also can't wait to meet my baby.
I know I'd be more excited if I had been told I was carrying a girl and that makes me feel horrible about myself.
I wondered how you are feeling now?

Hi Zipitydoda not sure if you will be checking back on this thread but I just saw your post last night and sent you a message direct