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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

unplanned(sorta) pg. Advice on sharing the news with DH!!

31 replies

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 12:06

Hi. I know this has been asked before but any advice reassurance from the lovely MNetters would be appreciated!

I'm prob pg with dc3. I have been openly desperate for baby no 3 for ages (DS1 and 2 are 7 and 4) DH is openly not planning to have anymore.(Although he did agree to "one day not just yet two years ago!) I've respected his wishes and haven't debated this stance with him. I've taken emergency pill and we have always used condoms on my fertile days.(My job to be aware of where we are in my cycle) Although I am(was?) planning to sit down and have a proper talk with him about this in the New Year. Frankly I am unhappy because I really want a third child. I love and adore my dcs but when i look at our family I see a missing space.(Sorry if that's a bit HIGH CHEESE!)
Our contraceptive method has also been risky (rhythm) and we are aware of this. We had UPSI on day 9 of my cycle (so really risky but while trying for ds2 I failed to get pg any day before day 12.)
Obviously part of me WANTED to be pg but I def didn't get pg on purpose. One of the things that is worrying me is the THE WHOLE world is aware of my desire to have a baby ( I regret my honesty when asked now) and that DH dosn't. Will it look to everyone including my DH that I tricked him in some way. (I now it takes two. He should have had the snip(though I would have objected!)etc)

I'm not doing a test until he's aware of the possibilty of pg. Cos doing that rather than presenting my whole situation on MN seems more dishonest and behind his back

How do you suggest I bring this up and how do I do it without sounding like I'm taking the blame for this or sounding like I'm lying through my teeth about the "accidental" nature of this.

HELP!!!!!!!

OP posts:

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booyhohoho · 17/12/2010 12:12

well it is very clearly not something you have decieved him on. i am presuming he knows teh precautions you take and has agreed upon them? if so then he is as responsible as you. and it doesn't matter what outsiders think, just what you and dh think.

ChessyEvans · 17/12/2010 12:21

Personally I think it would be better if you knew for sure before raising it with him, otherwise you could be worrying about nothing.

As booyhohoho says, he's complicit if he's agreeing with the contraception as there are far far more reliable methods. So he can hardly blame you!

If it turns out that you are not pg then it's the perfect opportunity to say look, I'm not pg, but tbh I'm disappointed and think we should talk about this. Obviously if you are pregnant then you can honestly say it's a surprise (rather than accident) but that it's a happy surprise for you and you hope he feels the same?

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 12:28

Thanks for your reply! Personnally I don't care what other think but I'm wondering how many times "mates" make "funny" remarks before he starts to question me. Actually having typed that if he takes their opinion over the word of his wife, we've got bigger issues than a poss increasing waistline and increased beans on toast consumption!

Part of me has always suspected (wish ful thinking) that he would be happy to have another (or willing at least ) but he has never liked the idea of admitting to TTC. DS1 was classsed as unplanned even though the point of conception was clearly noted as likely to "cause" pg and we didn't do emergency pill. Ds 2 showed up after over a year of (quite relaxed) trying and DH current come to bed phrase is "let's make a baby (or at least practise!" Which is either Freudian or very,very cruel! Gosh this would almost be funny!!!

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 17/12/2010 12:28

You should not feel guilty.

Clearly you should have already had an honest discussion with him regarding your desire for another child.

However, contraception is not the sole responsibility of one person. He had sex with you without a condom. Ergo - a baby could arise. You can get pregnant not on your fertile days.

Bottom line: Anyone who is against the idea of a baby should not be having unprotected sex, fertile days or not.

You should take a test. You may not be pregnant and there would be nothing to tell.

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 12:30

crossed posts. Thanks. I would never descibe this as an accident, I agree. It is (if I am!) a very lovely surprise!!!

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 17/12/2010 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 12:33

more crossed posts. Shall carry on for a few more days til doing a test makes more sense. Only one day over due and felling crappy and dizzy for a week so still not in "oh could I be?" days yet. If I start doing tests as soon as i'm late, DH will think I'm a bit too unsurprised!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 12:35

Sorry you all prob think I'm being a bit early in my pg predictions but from past pg this feels like I am. And I've had quite a few thought I was but I'm not (espec when trying for ds2)

OP posts:

Prinpo · 17/12/2010 15:16

Is it possible that he's quite happy with the idea of another baby but just finds the whole ttc thing a bit much? It would be really understandable if he was one of those 'let's not try but let's not be too careful' people. If so, perhaps he'd be happy with a fait accompli?

I agree with previous poster in that I would say that your period is late and you're thinking of doing a test. That way, you get the news together. If it's negative then perhaps it can be the prompt for you talking about number 3. You sound as though you can rest easy that this isn't something that you've tricked him into (which is what makes me wonder about whether actually he'd be happy with a 3rd, just doesn't want to be seen to be 'trying'). If other people wonder then, to be honest, let them wonder. Unless they have no life at all, it should occupy them for all of about 10 seconds.

Good luck, I hope you get the result you want.

Smiler80 · 17/12/2010 15:26

Upon reading your post, I thought exactly like Prinpo that perhaps it's the TTC that your DH doesn't like, rather than the baby itself. I can understand that in a way, because I think for some people it becomes very pressurised, and many men see it as a confirmation (or rejection) of their "manliness" how quickly you fall pregnant after starting TTC.

I know what you mean about worrying about what other people think. Of course it doesn't really matter, but pregnancies always come with so much speculation from the outside world that it's hard to completely ignore it.

Perhaps it would help if you do not tell anyone until DH is used to it (and hopefully happy!). Then you give people "the happy news" together. If they then accuse your DH of making an about-turn on the issue, it's easy to say he just said he didn't want any more kids because he didn't want people speculating about it...

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 17:10

Thank you all for your posts. I DO hope (firstly that I am pg) but that DH is (secretly) cool about a happy surprise.

He has expressed concerned about the financial responsibility of children. He's more of a worrier about money than I. He's also worried that our luck will run out and the next child will be the devil compared to our cheeky angels! TBH until he and I sit down and have a proper grown up chat as I planned in the new yr I will not know for sure if he really against dc3 as he broadcasts he is.

I may be forcing that issue earlier than I thought!!!

OP posts:

ghostgirl · 17/12/2010 17:15

Sounds to me that your Dh isnt totally opposed to having another child, he just sounds as if he wasnt 'actively' trying for one with you. I wouldnt worry about it. You've been open to him about what you have been doing so it is not that you have deceived him.

Men who 100% DON'T want children take all precautions against it. Ones who are on the fence about it are more likely to leave it all up to the woman and will not be 100% surpirsed or shocked when they realise their partner is pregnant.

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 17:27

God I DO hope he's a fence kind of guy. It's almost as if he's so used to making "You'll not see me doing that whole baby thing again" line with the outside world that he forgets it's me he's talking to and he's just so anti-dc3 that I can't even begin a proper conversation with him.

Pscychologically though you won't leave your contraception solely to the partner who wants another child even if that partner was respectful of your opinion and has tried against her own feeling and desires to prevent the one thing she longs for? god I'm beginning to worry that he thought our method of contraception was more realiable than it is.

OP posts:

Prinpo · 17/12/2010 17:49

So, dare I ask, what's the plan?

Leilababyno1 · 17/12/2010 17:52

I would definitely take a test first, you might be worrying/stressing for nothing.

Slambang · 17/12/2010 18:02

Honestly - you were actully running quite a high risk of pregnancy really, weren't you? Everybody knows that the rhythm method is not reliable. So, either dh is also secretly hoping an 'accident' might happen (perhaps he wants one but money worries etc mean he would like nature to be allowed to role the dice) OR he genuinely doesn't want a dc3 in which case he has been shockingly lax about taking any responsibility. Either way he'll come round.

millymae · 17/12/2010 20:12

In your shoes I'd just come out with it by saying something along the lines of "you know when you ask me to come to bed you say let's make a baby, well we might have done just that because I've not had a period since.........."

Put that way you're not taking the blame or blaming him. It's something that you did together - he asked and you agreed. As slambang said your mutual choice of contraception wasn't the most reliable so he shouldn't be too surprised that you could have hit the jackpot without really trying.

Original poster

thegingerone · 17/12/2010 21:34

Ta everyone!! I'm going to give it a day or two, in case I'm just on a unusually late cycle and the nausea, diziness, enhanced smell and twinges in lower regions are caused by pre Xmas organising not baby. Then I'll do a test in DH's full knowledge. Then suggest to him we take a few days to just have a think about it in our own time and then late next week sit down and talk about it properly.

It's not like we're the first couple on the planet to have a "extra" child.

BTW is sudden terrible spelling a symptom of pg, cos if it is I'm def.!

OP posts:

autumnberry · 17/12/2010 23:39

Both myself and DP are 'let's not try but let's not be too careful' people. TTC just seemed too contrived for us. We were both contentedly accepting of the pregnancy when it occurred. Maybe this will apply to your DH. All the best!

Hest · 18/12/2010 19:14

Hi, Im 37 weeks pregnant with an "unplanned" pregnancy (had a coil fitted!), although I was rather shocked I knew straight away I would be keeping her and she's already much loved. unfortunately my partner wasn't so supportive and we're recently separated. It was difficult telling him I was pregnant and his initial reaction was to shout at me.It doesn't sound like anything of this kind is going to happen to you, and although he may be surprised you obviously have a much loved family already and I'm sure he'll be pleased once the initial shock has passed, especially as the rhythm method isn't the most reliable so it was always a possibility! If you're concerned about his reaction you could try showing him the post you initially put up - it shows that your pregnancy was honestly unplanned and that you've agonised over the best way to tell him you may be - as long as you think he's not going to be irritated by you discussing it with others before him! shouldn't be - this site is anonymous really so no one knows who you are! Good luck, and i hope it all works out hun xxx.

MumNWLondon · 18/12/2010 19:30

If he is aware of contraceptive method then YANBU - rhythm is fairly effective if used along lines as set out in:

taking charge

and fairly unreliable if just counting days based on prior cycles - I'm not sure what you mean by rhythm.

Either way if he was aware of your method and was happy with it then he would be unreasonable to be annoyed by it - I would tell him your period is late and you are going to do test.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 19:37

DH current come to bed phrase is "let's make a baby (or at least practise!"

It doesn't sound to me like he's against the idea of having a third child!

I'd tell him you are taking a test because you think all of this practising might just be paying off.... of course, if you want to keep practising without worrying him then you wouldn't tell him for a while would you

pedalmonster · 18/12/2010 21:47

wait wait wait - don't say anything yet. Maybe I am the suspicious one here, but unless you are CERTAIN that he will want DC3, don't jump the gun.
This happend to me, I wanted DC3 but DP didn't. Had UPSI (I knew I was fertile but didn't say anything), was thrilled to have positive test. DP not thrilled!!! I figured he would come round but sadly MC around 8 weeks. Now there is NO WAY he will let that happen again, he always withdraws
So from where I am sitting I would say WAIT - until you are around 12 weeks!!! Sorry, like I said, I have problems with trust.
Good luck though!

Mypombearisveryold · 18/12/2010 22:04

I would like to be in your position Gingerone, but my dh is very careful about using condoms.

I think that actions speak louder than words when it comes to having babies.

Best wishes, I hope that you are pregnant too!

MumNWLondon · 18/12/2010 22:18

pedalmonster don't understand your post:

a) why would OP wait until 12 weeks - my DH would go ballistic if I kept a pregnancy secret from him for this length of time, although he would probably be ok with an accidental pregnancy.

b) what is the significance of waiting until 12 weeks?

b) "always withdraws" - its only 80% effective which means that if 100 women use this method, 20 will become pregnant each year. Doesn't sound like effective contraception to me

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