9 weeks pregnant - feeling a bit down/weird LONG - SORRY!

[Mandymoo]

Hi all - wasnt sure where to post this thread but thought i would plonk it here and see what happens.

Ok - some of you will already know my background - im 31, married with dd who is nearly 3, 9 weeks pregnant with number 2.

Basically, the last 2 weeks i have started to feel quite low. I had pnd after having dd and am very aware of my moods. I am overly anxious about most simple things but my main problems at the moment are:

1. DH is a teacher and rarely around when i need him. Even if he is physically near me, he is always busy working and we rarely spend an evening together. I have put up with this for 3 years and am fed up. I've tried talking to him countless times but nothing really changes. He is a wonderful dad to our dd but i just really need him as a husband atm. Im feeling very vulnerable, scared (of getting pnd again) and lonely. I have few friends who i could talk to.

2. Work - i started a part time job in July and i hate it. I only work 2 days one week and 3 days the next - its an admin job. I feel extremely inadequate when with other women, even tho we are all the same age i resort back to being an awkward, giggly, nervous teenager type figure who has no confidence and who agrees with everyone just so as not to get any attention. I hate myself being this way but i cant help it. I work with 7 other women who are all (on the outside) confident, professional, intelligent women. I am not anything like them. The nature of the job itself is very intense and i am finding it very hard trying to learn it as well as settle in with the office side of things. I have joked about this on the Employment Issues thread but i am seriously hating it and since i found out i was pregnant i have lost all interest in it (not that i had much to start with). I want to work and have done since dd was 4 months old but i just cannot stand this job.

3. DH has recently found out that his father is quite ill. MY dad died 4 years ago and my FIL has been like a dad to me - i am very upset about this but dont really feel that i can show this as he's not MY dad. I am trying to be as supportive as I can to DH (who is a very senstive person at the best of times) and dont want to make matters worse for him by getting upset myself.

Sorry ive gone on too much - basically not really writing this to get replies, just wanted to get it all out of my head and onto a thread where i can just read it and make sense of it.

I am a very lucky person and am extremely grateful to have one gorgoues dd and another baby on the way - i realise that i have no real reason to complain but im just having a bad day and wanted to have a rant so thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this! XX

I want to reply to you, but I'm not sure whether you want to hear comments/suggestions, or sympathy. Either is OK, but I don't want to say 'do this/do that' and so on, if that will upset you more.

Early pg is rough, because you apparently have no reason to feel anything other than normal - but your body is working overtime, and nobody can see that.

Prettycandles - awww thanks for your reply! I am open to anything - suggestions, sympathy - i'm just grateful that someone has read my rant! Thanks X

Wow, things are rough aren't they? not really sure what advice I can give, my DH is a teacher too and the time pressure can be tough - could you try and get a sitter so the two of you could go out for a meal and get some space together? before about 9pm when you collapse in an early pregnancy heap!

Just to let you know we are here. Can you print out this thread to show your dh how you are feeling?

have not time to reply to all of this but GOD you are allowed to feel sad about FIL....he has been like another Dad to you so you are bound to feel sad -- your grief will help your DH not make it worse...

OK, MM , I just didn't want to butt in.

In no particular order, here are a few things that occurred to me while reading your post:

Pregnancy can make you hugely emotional. I know I can be overly sensitive when pg, and tears come really easily, especially at the begining of the pregnancy, when nothing seems real about it.

I had PND with my first child, but not with my second. I was terrified of developing it again, and as a result probably had a bit of AND instead, but the big thing is preparation. I discussed my worries with my GP and HV, got refered to the Peri-Natal Outreach team (who treated me previously) while I was still pg so that they could start looking after me before problems began, filled the freezer with cooked meals, talked with my dh about what it meant for both of us and how we could deal with it, got a cleaner. And, yes, I was knackered, yes, I cried a lot, but I did not develop PND - and that gave me a wonderful boost. Because being scared of the horror that is PND invites it, whereas the longer I knew I didn't have it, the less likely I was to develop it.

Is it possible for your dh to take off one evenign a week, or an hour every couple of nights? My dh is also a wonderful dad, but has had to be reminded many times that he is also a husband. We used to eat in front of the TV, but don't any more, and when the children were babies (they're 5 and nearly 3 now) would set ourselves the task of passing a few hours in each other's company without mentioning them. Making the effort to be with each other fully, was part of dealing with PND and of preventing it.

My dh doesn't really click with my parents - there's nothing bad between them, they just don't 'get' each other. Last year we visited my family abroad and dh told me that he really likes my aunt (mum's sister), and she has told me several times that she likes him. Recently, when my grandfather died, dh expressed concern for my aunt, who had been dgf's main carer for many years, and wanted to go and visit her if we could. I can tell you that hearing him say this made me love him all the more. I didn't feel in the least that my grief or love (for my aunt) were challenged, but that dh really was my partner in life.

I hope that this helps, and that if you want to talk about it any more that you will.

you need time to yourselves! me and my dp are both students and find we have to force ourselves to go out at the weekends. Can u not tell him how u are feeling?

I have read your message and I would not consider it a rant...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Be kind to yourself.

As PrettyCandles suggested, early pregnancy is awful. Hormones all over the place; body working overtime; worries about the pregnancy... I could go on and on. It is only natural that these problems are compounded by the challenges you are facing not to mention your fear of PND.

Your situation with your DH sounds really difficult. If you have already spoken with him about your feelings, I can imagine that it hurts you even more that he still seems distant. Is he worried or upset about anything in particular?

I am sorry about your FIL. It might actually help your DH to know that you are really upset about his father being ill. He may find it easier to talk about if you initiate the conversation by expressing your feelings.

(I have intentionally left out the work situation because I really have no practical advice. I can?t imagine staying in a job that I don?t enjoy but I am spoiled since I am a SAHM who helps make ends meet by caring for friends? children.)

You have every reason to complain and this seems like a good venue...

Thanks for your replies - i am now sat here in tears because its such a relief that people have taken the time to read my thread and try and understand it.

Prettycandles - i am so so scared atm of the PND. The last couple of days i've started to believe that its already back (but as prenatal depression i guess!). Feelings that i havent felt since the depths of despair that was the first 6 months of my dd's life have crept back in and I am simply scared. Not scared of doing anything stupid etc, just scared about having it again i suppose if that makes sense. I got through pnd last time without medication and with lots of support from friends. We both want another baby and up until a few weeks ago PND was something that was in the past. I know there is nothing to say that i will get it again, but its a possibility. In a way, may be i'm pre-empting the PND so that is not such a big thing IF it does happen again. God, now i'm not making any sense!

The big thing for me atm is work. If i could, i would leave right now. BUt i AM hormonal atm and know deep down that i have responsibilities and bills to pay!!

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. You are bound to feel sad and have every right to express that.

As for your job - personally, I would leave! Unless it is detrimental that you stay (due to financial reasons or the like) I would find something else, the admin field is not limited IMHO.

Talk to your DH about how you feel. Have not gone through PND (pregnant with no.1) but remember how emotional/hormonal I was during that first trimester and found talking to DH about my feelings made all the difference. I am a teacher too (was, i should say) and can appreciate what you're DH's workload, however, it is important that he makes time for you EVEN when his workload is as it is. Perhaps you could help him plan a schedule of work.

Hope this helps and that everything goes well.

Sorry, covered a lot of what others have mentioned, you can see how long I sat there thinking!! LOL.

Also hilarious typos for someone who claims to be a teacher Pls ignore.

Cha Cha - thanks for your reply.

DH's school failed OFSTED literally when DD was a week old so for her lifetime (3yrs) he has been in the hell that is Speical Measures. He is the only original member of staff to survive the "cull" and i am so proud of him. But i have to say that its been at the expense of our family and our relationship. Even now they are still in special measures and the pressure on him is so great. I try to be supportive and sympathetic but sometimes i just need him to be there for me.

He's a wonderful person and i dont mean to sound like i'm slating him or anything. I just wish we could spend more time together. We literally have a couple of hours on a Sunday as a family. Saturday he plays football and every evening he works upstairs in his office til 1am!

Oh you're making a lot of sense,MM! Go to your GP or your HV, whichever you feel more comfortable with. Having had PND before, they should take your feelings seriously. You don't have to take drugs to survive PND - but you do need support.

You've not got PND (or rather AND) right now. You are hormonal and that's different. I'm not belittling your feelings, just trying to reassure you that you don't have what you dread. There is very little difference, IME, between how early pregnancy and early motherhood feel, and PND. The first two are normal, and will pass. The third - well, we know about that one!

Can you reward yourself? Just like you would your toddler ! For every day that passes at work and you feel you have done your best/behaved as a mature woman/survived - whatever target you choose - you will reward yourself with...oh, putting on perfume when you get home (I find that a real booster to my spirits), or perhaps after a good week you will buy yourself a little bouquet for your desk on the way back into work.

Prettycandles - you make alot of sense!

Now i've got all this out of my head, i actually feel better. If I can stick it out at work until February 06, i can then go on Mat leave. Its not full time work so i should be able to just get on with it. You've all hit the nail on the head - I AM HORMONAL RIGHT NOW!! So i shouldnt read too much into my feelings. And you're right PC - i havent got PND or AND - i am simply 9 weeks pregnant and very very emotional!

Love yourself - but don't dismiss yourself .

Oh Mandymoo I'm so sorry you feel so down. I'm not sure I can add anything constructive or different to what has already been said.

It sounds like your DH is a good man. You should try and find a moment to sit him down and let him know how you feel. If you have been through PND before would he not want to help you avoid going down that route again?
The job issue is difficult. When I first read it I thought "stick at it girl" but now reading this thread I'm not so sure as it's obviously causing you a lot of upset.

Candles is right -early pregnancy hormones cause havoc and nobody sees it. If you can share the problems with your DH as he does his with you it may lessen the burden. Also if you do need the benefits from work as Candles says try to make the best of a bad thing if you can. I like the flowers idea.
I do feel for you and hope you can manage to get through this.
xxxxx hugs

sorry to hear you are feeling so miserable mandymoo. No real advice other than being 9 weeks pg is a bit shite and you are bound to be on a hormonal rollercoaster. Just keep working towards your 12 week scan when you can start to relax a bit.

And hey! just think, stick at your job and you'll get maternity leave and you dont actually have to go back!

Hi Mandymoo, Enid is right, the early stages of pregnancy are just vile. You sort of get through it the first time on excitement. Then by no 2 you've got all the tiredness of having one added to the exhausion of being pregnant plus you've got other things to worry about. Hang in there and in a few weeks you will probably feel much more on top of it all - hope you feel better soon.

Was thinking about this thread while collecting ds from school. You need support and are asking for it, which we giving you as best we can. But I wonder, should it all be one-way?

Your dh is very stressed by the situation at his school, then there's his father, and I've no doubt that he is also worrying about you and how he will cope with it all.

The pillar of strength cannot stand on its own - it is really an arch, with the two of you leaning on each other, and the keystone is your love for each other. Have you told your dh recently that you love him? Maybe just gone into his study, give him a biscuit with a cup of tea and a kiss on the back of his neck? The little things that let him know that he is appreciated and loved, and that you are there for him too. No expectation of I-give-you-so-you-give-me, just giving for the sake of giving.

Really feel for you. My ds is 7 months old and i turned in early pregnancy to an emotional wreck and lost all my confidence. No real advise for you because all situations are different. However, I think when your pg you tend to think to much about things being perfect and blow certain things out of proportino... I mean you feel that things need to be different.. Am i making any sense. I think its the hormones I suffered from PND and even now I am not the same confident person I was. Keep your chin up and talk to your dh about your worries he may feel a bit left out or maybe not aware how bad your feeling. Take care xx

AWWWWW thanks for all your replies X

PrettyCandles - i've been thinking too and you're right - i do need to be there for DH too but sometimes i just get resentful as we literally spend NO time together and thats down to his job. But i know that we have to be there for each other and i know that he is under so much pressure atm. I will make him a cup of tea tonight and watch the surprised look on his face!! Its just little things like that that makes a difference i guess. Thank you so much for your insightful advice today XXXX

Whoozit - i wonder if my confidence will ever return. I havent got PND any longer but its definitely left its legacy. XXX

Mandymoo I dont really have much advice my DH works away alot and I think this part of pregnancy is quite lonely you know your pregnant noone else does you feel like poo! but nobody pays that much attention till the last few months
I dont know wether I can leave my email on here if I can I will post it and get in touch any time

ps I look confident to but inside I am scared as hell !!!

thanks Sniff - appreciate that X

I'm going to go on about my personal experience again .

PND certainly left its legacy for me too, and for a long time I felt that I was unstable - not loony, just that it wouldn't take much to push me back into PND. What convinced me that I was cured was when dd reached her first birthday and I realised that I hadn't had PND again. Not only that, but that my general state of mind was utterly different to how I had been at the time I conceived her.

We had been advised not to have our children so close in age, as it was likely that I would have PND again, but I felt very strongly that I was as well as I could get at that point without getting on with my life. And waiting to be well enough to have another child felt wrong wrong wrong. It felt that we were putting life on hold and make PND the central feature of our lives. So we went ahead - in great trepidation. But, like I said, I didn't get PND, and when dd was 1yo I realised that my state of mind was much more like it had been before I had had children: generally contented, a sort of under-current of happyness, greater self-confidence, irreverent sense of humour, myself really. These things had been missing after I 'recovered' from PND. TBH I date my recovery from PND from dd's 1st birthday.

BTW, if you want to talk privately with another Mumsnetter, don't post your email but click on Contact Another Talker (otherwise know as CATing)

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