Only pregnant person and feeling out of touch with my friends

[melwood]

Hi, I'm 30 and going through my first pregnancy. I've always put a lot of importance on socialising with my friends. However, none of them are pregnant/have children, in fact a lot of them are single. Now that I'm not drinking and I'm tired a lot, I'm suddenly feeling quite lonely. I do still get invited out but it's to bars/parties that involve lots of boozing, and I just don't fancy going along to drink a sparkling water while they get progressively louder and drunk.

I get the impression they think I've become boring, and I'm beginning to resent them a bit. To be honest I could just do with knowing some other pregnant women who would rather hang out and watch a film, go for a walk or catch up for dinner but I know no one locally. My poor husband is experiencing a new clingy side to me when he's used to a much more independent woman. Help! Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

Hi melwood im sure ur not alone at the moment im pregnant with my first and want to talk about it to anyone who will listen unfortunatley as im not long pregnant its still a secret - how people keep quiet i don't know! i have been buying celeb baby books , jools oliver, mylene klass just to see that how other people feel iv found them quite good as makes u feel not so crazy for ur thoughts! lots of talk of hormones making you paranoid and down. mayb u will get to know people trough ur midwife or birthing class? and theres always here if u want to chat!

I think you need a two-part strategy. Firstly, I don't see any reason why your existing friends wouldn't want to sometimes go to see a film or have dinner with you in addition to their evenings out drinking. Have you tried organising something you would like to do with them?

But honestly once you have your baby you are likely to see less of your existing friends - they will still be your friends but your lives will suddenly be different and you won't have so much in common for a while. You will need to find some 'mum' friends, having a baby is incredibly lonely otherwise. Can you join a local antenatal group, or go to a pregnancy yoga class, or do something that will get you in contact with other mums locally?

Thanks ladies, it feels good to talk to other people about it.

Witches - Keepig it secret was really hard for me too. I ended up telling another pregnant colleague at work which was really helpful because she answered loads of questions for me when I worried about new things I was experiencing. Totally up to each person but I can say it really helped me to have someone to talk about it with.

Alarkaspree - You are totally right, I think I'm a bit p'd off because when I have arranged non-boozey things, they have asked to reschedule due to other social opportunities or arrived late with other mates in tow. I think they're basically all just busy with their lives and I'm not fitting into it anymore. However, I am looking forward to meeting new mums....My NCT classes don't start until Feb, are there other things you can suggest? I'll defo look into pregnancy yoga that sounds like a great idea!

Thanks!!

Oh that is totally pants - remember it well. Although once I'd got through the 1st trimester I went clubbing and to gigs and stuff - it's perfectly possible :)

The asking them to do something else thing is the key - you need to lay the foundations now for a different kind of relationship because you're going to have one once your baby arrives too. I had a tuesday cinema club with one friend - we went for a quick drink and then went to see a film every month. It was really fun.

And congrats :)

Hi, I'm in exactly the same situation (29, pg with first and an accountant, husband works in the City) most of the people we know aren't married and totally career obsessed.

I've joined my local NCT branch. They've been lovely to me so far but I'm still working full time so have yet to have any face time with them. We're going to the Christmas dinner on Friday so I wrote an email introducing myself and everyone replied.

I'm doing NCT antenatal classes in January so I'm hoping to make more friends then but there's no reason why you can't get to know some of them before hand.

I highly recommend the NCT. As well as signing up for a course, see if your local branch has a Working Bumps group (for those people still at work during the day) or Bumps & Babes (usually during the day) that you can get to. I've found them really friendly and now I've done my course I think I've made a whole new group of friends as its been brilliant.

I can really sympathise with how you feel. When I was having DD I had just moved to a new town, and I was commuting everyday to another town to go to uni. I really felt very lonely indeed. However, having babies is a really great and easy way to make friends. It's good that you're doing nct classes - wish I had! I think most local nct groups have coffee mornings each week where you can meet other new mums. I remember when I went there were quite a few were yet to have their babies, so you don't have to wait until after the birth which is nice. I also hear from friends that pregnancy yoga and aqua natal classes are good ways to meet people too.

I believe some forums (am I allowed to mention the names??) also have local mums boards.

I don't know if they do it everywhere but here the health visitor gives you a child record book once you've had the baby. In the back there is a list of local baby groups and times of clinics where you can have the baby weighed etc.

As for your existing friends, perhaps if you arrange to meet up with them during the week, they'll be happier to do something quiet/alcohol free. Especially if they have to work the next day. I know what you mean about having to watch them get drunk and loud, I went out for a friend's birthday last week. Everyone was drinking LOTS. I would recommend trying to laugh at them and appreciate that you don't look as daft as they do :o

See if any of them want to meet up for lunch on a regular basis. Once when the baby turns up it's nice to have something specific to do in the middle of the day.

And definitley check out the local toddler groups - having mum friends for meeting up in the daytime fills the gap of all your old mates being at work all day.

Some of our non-baby friends admitted "oh we kind of socially wrote off Mr & Mrs Mutual Friends With Kids, but I'm sure you guys will be different". We're not, but now much closer to Mutual Friends.

Melwood I could have wrote your post! I'm 29 and pg with my first too. I'm also the first out of all my friends to be pg so finding it tough not knowing anyone in the same situation as me. Some of my friends have been really good and I can see they're trying to include me in non-boozy stuff as much as possible. But others are very obviously fading away!

There's been some really good suggestions here re. Local NCT groups. I'm booked into NCT classes but they don't start till late january. I think I will check out the groups too.

Maybe we should start our own first time loner moms group! Is anyone else in london?

I am also astranged from friends at the moment as I am keeping it secret for as long as I can out of superstition! Maybe we should all get together :) I live in South West London.

I'm SW London too! Putney!

Hi Melwood, I completely understand! I'm in a similar position - 28, pregnant, live in London, have spent the last ten years partying with my friends. My partner (34) and I are one of the first in our group to start a family.

About a fortnight ago, I was at a great 30th party and I burst into tears because I suddenly felt strangely jealous of my friends' freedom. I had to go and find my partner and have a secret weep in the corner.

I try to remind myself that I can still party - as in - I can still hit the dancefloor, make good conversation and have a laugh. I tend to head home once everyone gets too drunk, but at least I can 'sparkle' early in the evening.

In fact, I'm off on a big debauched weekend in the countryside this weekend - out of thirty people going, I'll be the only person not drinking!

I've joined a pregnancy yoga class and it is GREAT. Lovely teacher and nice to meet so many waddling ladies who live in my neighbourhood. It takes a bit of courage to say "want to swap numbers?" but that's what we're all there for.

But I also treasure my old friends, because I need people to remind me of the old days and who know me on a deeper level than being "so-and-so's Mum".

Also, I think us first-in-the-group ladies 'pave the way' for the rest of our friends. So hopefully we can give advice when our friends all start popping sprogs in a few years.

Good luck, and I'll keep reading this post with interest!!

Oh melwood I'm in the same boat... It's my first pregnancy and my closest friends have not had children yet. I went to join them the other evening while they drank cocktails and got louder and drunker - while I sat watching them drinking fruit juice and feeling very boring!

Also in SW London!

Melwood I could also have written this post; I have been feeling a bit lonely since I got married really (first in my group)...and now 2 years later a bump seems to have made it even worse because the married-but-no-kids friends are becoming distant too.

I have moaned about it to good friends and they have said its because people can't relate to us being pregnant which I think is a real shame since it's a really exciting time for us and I can't really relate to hangovers right now, but I still make sympathetic noises in the right places

I have joined a pregnancy yoga class and have found that really helpful in terms of having like-minded people around and it's really exciting to see 39-weekers! I don't find it's terribly social in terms of after class but it is in London after all and maybe I just need to wait till I am nearer my due date. I would recommend going because it's nice to feel part of something when you're feeling a bit excluded, and it's great for all those aches and pains we get.

pippippip it's really interesting what you say about hvaing friends who remember you for who you were before the baby, I will definitely remember that!

I am in Blackheath at the moment but due to move to the stick in January - will still be working in London till maternity leave though.

I'm in the same boat too! I've moved out of London as DP has kids so we're living near where they live with their mum - I still commute into London for work but really see very little of my old friends. Socialising with work friends revolves around drinking completely and I feel like I don't have much in common with my oldest friends anymore (life revolves around pregnancy and being a stepmum to two teenage boys) Their's revolves around latest places to go, holidays, new cars etc. Met an old and good friend for lunch the other day and just felt like we have so little common ground now (and made me feel really boring as trying not to go on about the baby but to be honest I'm not really thinking about a lot else at the moment)

I haven't got any local friends as we moved to a new area and I don't work there so I'm really hoping I get to meet some new people through NCT etc otherwise it's going to be very lonely! My family live several hours away and mum doesn't drive and DP will carry on working in the City so long days. Oh Doom and Gloom!!

Hello can I join the club too? :)
We moved from my hometown to DPs hometown where I dont know anyone at all let alone people with babies or children, this is our first baby, I have SPD and cant go anywhere without crutches so I feel like a total numpty.
I have no experience of children whatsoever which is kinda a bit daunting and we have gone from being the life and soul of the party every weekend to discussing sterilsers and birth plans - which is possibly even more daunting!
I was booked in to do antenatal classes where we used to live and they seemed much better than the ones on offer where we live now so I havent been able to make any new friends that way either which is really frustrating.
What makes it all even more difficult is that Im not bothered that Im not in touch with old friends, as we are all quite clearly in different places now, but that I dont have anyone on the same page as me any more
All offers of new friendship warmly welcomed!
Best wishes x

I'd like to join this club! Soooo could've written your post!

I'm 27, live in London, and am the first of my friends who live in the big smoke/uni friends to get pregnant.

I was always a bit of a social/boozing animal, and a lot of my social life revolved around meeting friends for drinks in the pub after work and on weekends.

Some friends have been great and are happy to meet for dinner after work, or to 'do something' on a weekend, but some have dropped me like a hot potato which has made me sad and has made me question whether we were good friends or not in the first place . In fact, one so-called friend stood me up for my birthday dinner last Friday night , and text at the last minute saying she had a hangover from the night before and had been puking all day so wouldn't be able to make it. I would put money on that she a.) would've turned up if there had been more booze involved b.) had had a better offer to go drinking after work Friday and thought my 'do' would be boring as I wouldn't be drinking...

Melwood- So I know what you mean when you say friends ask to reschedule due to "other social opportunities"- it doesn't make you feel good that you're a less-attractive proposition to them because you can't drink! In fact, it's made me question boozing altogether, and how much some people rely on it to have a good time (myself included in the past).

On another note, I go to a Saturday yoga class, but socialising afterwards isn't something that seems to go on. Maybe I should join an NCT group- the thought of being cooped up indoors with a new baby and having nowhere to go/ no one to talk to scares me shitless! I've been stuck indoors the last few days because of the snow and am going insane!

When are you due cheesechomper? I have joined the NCT but my course doesn't start until March. Does anyone know if they run other courses/events that we can attend?

Maybe we should all go to a yoga class and then have lunch afterwards? I did a few classes on Saturdays at the Life Center in Notting Hill, but stopped going there as I thought classes were inadequate. Women did not really socialise there either. I go to regular yoga classes daily, however, would be happy to go to pregnancy yoga for the spirit once a week! It would probably be useful as I get bigger, too. I hear Katy Appleton who is quite famous is starting a pregnancy yoga class at Elovle in South Ken in January (every Thursday at 5.30pm).

meant to say the Evolve in South Ken

I haven't actually done this myself yet, but it might be a good time to start getting involved in community activities - volunteering locally, joining a charity or club. Like, these things felt too square/boring/time consuming earlier in my twenties (I was always busy and/or hungover) but now I'm realising they're kinda important for communities.

Also, I think the NCT has different branches all over the UK. I think pregnant women are very welcome at their events. If you can't afford an NCT course you could just become a member of the organisation and get involved in their activities? Or perhaps sign up for a course, but start attending events in the meantime.

Also, I think its really important not to blame your old friends. After all, they're still the same old friends you've always loved - it is YOU that has changed. Of course they find it hard to relate to pregnancy, so remember to maintain and interest in their lives too. Holidays, new cars, jobs, travel and relationships are just as valid and interesting as babies :)

I'm in Ealing, West London if anyone fancies a coffee some time.

Crazybutterflylady - i'm due end of Jan/beg Feb

The cost puts me off NCT a bit, but I guess would be worth it if you get to make some new chums. Not sure what other classes or events are out there, haven't heard much from midwives who i've seen! I'm going to two ante-natal classes at the local hospital in 2 weeks time with DP, but tbh I don't anticipate them being big social gatherings either!

Just to add a more optimistic note. Sometimes your friends will surprise you. One of my friends, who I thought would be the most at my being pregnant has been the most considerate and thoughtful. She made me a maternity dress and found us a load of baby clothes at a car boot sale.

But I do identify with feeling lonely.

CheeseChomper

NCT do a bit of informal "means testing" so not everyone pays full price for membership or courses. There are specific discounts if you're young/a student/on benefits etc but they will still take in to account other reasons for not paying the full amount.

Check your local community centre/community hall notice board. Ours has a big sign outside and I've already noticed a baby gym class, baby signing classes and a playgroup I plan to go to. Not sure if they do anything for pregnant women rather than those with babies but I'm working full time so don't have the chance any way.

Perhaps we should arrange a meet-up for some of us in this area - maybe in the new year? Would be lovely to chat to people who are in the same boat.