Has anyone had their first baby in their 40s?

[Petal02]

I'm 41, and feeling a bit confused about babies. I've never really been broody, but I now realise I may be in Last Chance Saloon (if it's not too late already) and feel very unsure about whether to go for it (or not).

I admit to being a coward with a low pain threshold, I've got a bit of a phobia about being sick (so morning sickness is a terrifying thought) and comtemplating the actual delivery is, well, unthinkable.

I have thought quite seriously about adoption in the past, but am concerned that given I've never tried to conceieve, this may hinder our application.

Husband is a lovely guy, has two children (16 and 19) from his first marriage, and whilst he's not desperate for any more, would have a baby with me if I wanted one.

If I were 10 years younger I probably wouldn't be posting. But I gather I've a 30% chance of conceiving naturally, then a 50% chance of miscarriage ...... and surely a pregnancy in your 40s is very different to doing it at 22? Am I mad to even think about it?

Thoughts please!

Hi, I am 42, and 10 weeks (ish - first appointment with midwife is tomorrow afternoon) with my first. I never met anyone I wanted to have kids with before DH, we only met in March last year. He really wanted more children (he has one DS, now 8) and I always thought I had missed the boat. I'm not thinking about the delivery just yet, and haven't been sick yet (feel really rough if I don't eat something though, trying to keep it healthy eating fruit but have scoffed alot of cheesy wotsits..).

My mother was 37 when I was born - she said she realised that she had more wisdom to cope with situations than she would have done if she had been a younger mother, but found it harder physically.

Only you and your DH can know if it's right for you, but don't let it be your age that puts you off.

Hi Bonny

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It doesn?t sound like you had any problems conceiving? I suppose I really need a ?should I think about getting pregnant? thread, but they seem to be in short supply!

If you don?t mind me asking, would a Mum in her 40s normally have a c-section? I know it?s not the easy option by a long chalk, but compared with a ?normal? delivery, it seems the lesser of the two evils. At least you know what?s happening and when, rather than it all starting to happen while you?re half way round tescos etc etc (and then ending up with an emergency c-section).

I hope your midwife appointment goes well tomorrow.

Hi Petal,
Thank you! It hasn't quite sunk in yet, despite feeling like rubbish all the time - I think it will after tomorrow, and once I stop fitting into my normal clothes.
Luckily no problems conceiving, as we wouldn't be eligible for any treatment due to my age, and the fact that one of us already has a child. I used ovulation tests every day after I finished bleeding due to not knowing how long my cycle would be, I got the 7-in-a-box Boots own brand and they worked! I got pregnant straight away after coming off the pill in March but lost the pregnancy 2 weeks after testing positive, which could be a result of excess post-pill hormones, my age, bad luck - who knows.

I have no idea about birth options as I've never done this before, but can report back in after I've seen the midwife if you like!

I don't think you should try for a baby unless you are absolutely certain that you want children. You sound very ambivalent tbh.

Well, I had my first aged 37 and just had Nr4 a few weeks before my 44th birthday .
And I had 2 great vaginal births in my 40s - no, mums over 40 would NOT normally have CS; the cons really outweigh the pros IMO. I had a CS with DS2 and it was fine, don't get me wrong (he was never going to come out any other way, anyway ), but a normal delivery is far far nicer. And you recover better.

FWIW, I have never been broody either and I don't particularly like babies, but love all my boys .

Go for it; you are far less likely to regret having given it a go and not had a child, than not tried and always wondered what might have been.

Oh my, pardon the bad grammar in that last sentence - I hope you understand my meaning...

Namey, I always wanted to have children, but, still being single in my late 30s, I changed that to "would have liked to have had" as I realised that I had to meet someone, decide they were the one, and then start ttc, and never having tested my fertility before I had no idea whether or not it was still possible (or, ever had been). I wasn't sure about going for it as I wasn't sure I wanted to have to cope with the disappointment if it didn't happen.

I wouldn't want this to sound like I don't agree with you - it's a lifetime decision after all - but I had reservations about embarking on such a lifechanging process relatively late on. I will be nearly 61 by the time my child is old enough to vote...

I had my children at 38 and just shy of 40 and up until I was about 36/37, I didn't think I wanted them. But then, suddenly, the urge was overwhelming. Thank goodness!

Sorry, just shy of 41.

Hi I had my first baby at 41 ( a year ago now) and do not regret it in the slightest. It probably is a bit harder physically than if you were younger, certainly from a sleep point of view. However, my pregnancy was fine apart from swelling up which I think you can get at any age.

On the CS front, I have been told by a couple of doctors since giving birth that a woman giving birth for the first time over 40 probably should have a CS as your body isn't as flexible as it used to be. Nobody in charge of my ante-natal care suggested that to me beforehand, however. As I went over my due date, I ended up with an induction and for various reasons, attempted forceps and an emergency C-section. As far as I can tell, however, that could have happened at any age and quite a number of younger mums I have met since had similar experiences.

It probably would be worth discussing elective CS with your doctors/midwives if you think it might be an option you would consider and see what they say. I had health problems after my EMCS but was over them after a few weeks and otherwise found recovery fairly ok - I did have a lot of help and support from DH and my family though. I suspect that my problems (a suspected clot on my lung which turned out to be a nasty chest infection) were more related to the emergency nature of my EMCS under GA rather than the C-section itself.

Anyway, one year on, I would say it is all worth it and if you would like children, don't let your age stop you.

I probably don't count as am pregnant at 38 with no 2, but will be 39 by the time it is born. Just to say that according to all Consultants and Midwives I am not considered old, not sure what is........

I was worried as didn't feel 'broody', i.e. didn't want to hug everyone elses baby before I had kids, even whilst wandering past the post-natal ward in labour with no 1, but once I set eyes on my DS a few hours later it was love at first sight!

I do think actually its rather lucky that when you don't have children you don't fully realise what you are missing. Well I didn't anyway, I just saw the hard work and not the profound joy that somewhat compensates for the full-time hours......!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I?m aware this probably isn?t quite the right thread to be posting on, but not sure where else to go!

The thought of having a baby, particularly at my age (even though you?ve all reassured me that it shouldn?t be an issue) terrifies me, and I suspect that if I really did want a child, then I?d get past the terror.

My husband isn?t putting any pressure on me, as he already has two teenagers, but is kind enough to want to make sure I don?t miss out if I did want a family. And every time he brings up the subject, I panic. I?m worried about the implications of NOT trying for a baby, ie would I regret it in later life, and I?m worried about pregnancy and childbirth when I?m not even sure I want a baby.

If the whole process didn?t seem so medically invasive and scary, perhaps I?d feel differently. Not to mention that having a first baby in my 40s would bring about a huge change to my life, that I?m not sure I?m ready for.

Maybe I should phone the Samaritans!!!

It's ok to not want a baby. You might be using the birth/pregnancy/delivery scares to hide the fact that actually you don't REALLY want a child. There is a lot of pressure on women to have children, it's seen as odd if you don't.

So if you are not really sure, then it is a huge step. I wasn't at all maternal, was quite horrified at other people's babies tbh. I have 2 children and am pregnant at 41 with the 3rd - I enjoy them much more as they get older and develop personalities. Not so keen on the intensive baby/toddler stage, though they were cute.

You might regret not having kids, that's a worry, and there's nowt you can do once it's too late.

I had a general anaesthetic and a C section with my 2nd baby - it was brilliant. went in, went to sleep, woke up, the baby was there! I am diabetic, so she was in the baby unit for the first night. I don't remember the C section recovery being traumatic at all, much much worse was the recovery from the 33 stitches from the tear of the first birth!
So I am a firm convert to the c section route, and being knocked out as well, seems very civilised to me.

I think though like others have said, you have to be sure you want a child - it does change your life, if you don't want that, don't be scared to admit it!

Thanks for that Disco. I sometimes think my 'dream ticket' would be to try to a baby, and for nothing to happen - in which case I could put hand on heart and say I'd tried, just that nature had other ideas. In which case you might be right, in that I really don't want children.

And then I feel guilty, because I know some great girls who would make lovely Mums, and they haven't been able to conceive despite every effort. But for all I know, I might have left it too late already, in which case I'm getting into a tizz over nothing.

Did I mention I'd thought a lot about adoption? I'd love to have a child, but not a baby. The whole 'baby thing' terrifies me. But if (in an ideal world) there was a six year old who needed a loving home, then I think we'd have a lot to offer.

Sorry if all that sounds confused. I find the whole subject really upsetting. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

Petal sounds like you want something of your own to nuture other than your stepkids. What about just trying to get pregnant so you avoid thinking in the future, you could have got preg. Also looking into voluntary work helping disadvantage kids. Look up projects local to you & your imput could help many little ones.

Bluecardi - I love your idea about voluntary work with children, I shall certainly give that some thought. The only downside to trying to get pregnant, is that it actually might work, and then there's no going back. Which is terrifying.

Hi Petal

I felt exactly like you do this time last year, approaching 41 and realising that I had to make a decision one way or the other. Although I love my friends' kids I have never felt broody and I also was never in the right relationship to consider having children....so time ticked on. When I sat and thought about it seriously I decided that I did not want the opportunity to be a mum taken away from me and then live the rest of my life regretting not having a child. At the same time, I didn't even know if I could get pregnant having never tried and also reading all the articles about fertility/pregnancy over 40.

Anyway after a lot of soul searching and discussion with my partner (who was desperate to be a dad) I decided to see what happened....and 5 weeks later I was pregnant! To say I was shocked was an understatement, I could not believe it happened so fast! I knew that I was very lucky that it did but it didn't stop me alternating between excitement and panic, which has lasted almost 9 months now :)

I have also been very fortunate in that I have had a healthy pregnancy, not one day of sickness, no aches and pains or other ailments that I read about. Best of all I have become a much calmer, nicer person I think. All the inner turmoil over indecision that I was having with myself has disappeared!

Don't get me wrong, I have the odd day when I am already mourning my old life but weighing up the pros and cons I know I have made the right decision.

Baby is due next week so obviously I still have that bit to get through but all I can hope is that it is as smooth as pregnancy has been for me.

You will make the right decision, for you, but I know it is not easy! Good luck.

I think it's ok to admit if you don't want kids. There is a lot of subliminal and blatant pressure on women to be expected to want children, but it's not for everyone.

Each person's life is fulfilled in different ways.

With regards to the 'unthinkable' labour/delivery - I had a general anaesthetic and C section second time around, the first time was horrendous and it was only 8 hrs which is pretty quick, but I didn't want to go through it again. So I didn't.

The C section recovery was fine, hardly even remember it, probably thanks to the morphine!

The main issue though is do you really truly want a baby. I don't know anyone who has regretted having a child (or anyone who will admit to it!) but it is bloody hard work, you worry ALL the time, your freedom is gone, you have to completely re think who you are.

It is ecstasy and agony, I would definitely have regretted not doing it, but like I say, everyone is different.

btw I am 41 and 10 wks pg, got pg pretty much the first month of hitting the fertile days. I was a bit 'holy shit I didn't actually think this would happen' because I read all the stats on older mothers too.

Disco ? I can honestly say that at this moment in time, I don?t want to have a baby. There ? I?ve said it. Thank you for reminding me that it?s OK to say that, it?s so easy to succumb to the ever-present pressure. But it worries me that in 10 years time, I may regret not having a child, and that scares me. If I DID go down the pregnancy route, I would definitely have an elective c-section, I know it?s not a walk in the park, but seems more planned/controlled than letting nature do it?s thing. And as I admit I?m a coward, it seems like a less scary way of doing things.

Poppy ? I was really interested to read your comments. I?d find it easier to make a decision if my husband had a firm view. As he?s already got two children from his first marriage, he?s not feeling the need to have any more, but has always been generous enough not to deny me the opportunity of a family. He doesn?t want me to feel disadvantaged because I?m his second wife. So whilst I can?t fault his intentions, it?s rather a case of ?the ball?s in my court? and this isn?t helping the decision process. If he felt strongly about having a baby, then I?d got for it, and I?m sure I?d get through it. And I?ve never met anyone who regretted a baby. But if he said clearly that he didn?t want any further children, I?d breathe a sigh of relief and get on with my life. I don?t honestly think he wants to re-start his ?nappy years? age 48, even though he?d do it for me.

It just seems like a huge undertaking when I?m extremely unsure, and with a husband who?s easy either way. To turn our lives upside down, to wreck my body (sorry sorry sorry, I sound so shallow but I?ve had some real battles with my weight over the years, and god knows what a baby would do to my body at my age ? again, sorry for thinking like that) when neither of us is certain ?..

But thank you ladies so much for replying, it?s so nice to hear from real people my age who are having babies.

Petal, I must admit I would probably still be dithering if my partner was not so keen to go for it. But as others have said, it is ok to decide that you don't want to. I have a friend about to turn 42 who married someone with children and she is definitely not going to have her own, through choice. She gets the best of both worlds being a step mum I guess.

I suppose for me one thing that made me realise I probably did want to be a mum was the irrational feelings of jealousy that I had seeing others getting pregnant and having babies while it was something I could have done 3 years ago when I met my partner. It was fear of giving up life as I knew it that was stopping me.

I don't envy you the decision making, as I said, I know how hard it is! It is a massive change to life as we know it but I am relying on advice/experience from others and expecting it to be a change for the better!!

Hope it all works out for you, whichever way you decide to go.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and say I don't really buy some of what's on this thread -

I think women, including the OP, know it's fine not to want to have children. I know plenty of women who didn't have kids - but they were quite clear about it from the off. What I think is difficult is ambivalence; you have posters here who say inane comments like 'if you're not sure then don't have' when I've never really met any thoughtful mother who hasn't been ambivalent at some point in the process. It's natural and quite healthy. And as you get older and you become more settled and scared about making changes, the ambivalence becomes more profound.

I am nearly 41 and about to have my first child. I have never been broody, but last year spent all year arguing over whether to have a child with my partner who was also ambivalent. I was told I probably couldn't have children easily earlier this year - three weeks later I was pregnant. I am scared and excited and obviously know life will change a lot. But I really think it will be one of the best things I do - even if I don't like all elements of motherhood. I've never met any mother who regrets it

I think if you're ambivalent, then it's worth exploring. I also think that thinking about having a baby can be over analysed. It's not an intellectual experience - you'll probably never reach the right answer that way. You have to plunge in, I think - and just see if you can even get pregnant. And then go with the flow

Good luck

Strumble

That is how I felt too....never thought I would be a "suck it and see" person as it is such an important decision and not to be taken lightly....however I was spending too much time thinking about it and going round in circles. As cheesy as it sounds, it is not the end of my life but the start of my new one!! Good luck with your baby!

i agree with what Strumble says whole heartedly

I have just read the whole thread again and what strikes me is how much you seem to focus on the whosle baby thing ie conception, pregnancy, delivery, baby. And assuming that you do conceive in a reasonable time, then the other stages really do not last very long.

Like I mentioned before, I have never been broody, was not at all into other people's kids and find the whole baby stage v v hard work and not very rewarding. However, I enjoy my walking talking children.

And even their childhood will be relative to a life-time, short. So, really the reason I had kids (I think) is to somehow pass something of myself on... Strangely enough, it is also the thought of grandchildren that I find makes me happy. Now of course, there may not be GCs - who knows?? But there is something about the continuity of it all that I find is quite a significant imperative for me.

And pregnancy and childbirth - well, I had my share of problems, complications etc, but I can honestly say that in my entire life I have not found anything as exciting as being pregnant and the actual delivery! Looking after a baby however.... gah!

Hi Pacific, you're right, I am indeed putting a lot of onus on the whole conception/pregnancy/delivery thing - because that's my real stumbling block. Almost like I've developed some sort of phobia. The thought of going through the whole process is so frightening that's it's almost in the same category as 'road accidents' as far as my brain is concerned, which just isn't rational.

It's not the end result (ie, a child) the terrifies me, but the process I'd have to go through. To give you some context, it took me 10 years to pluck up courage to have my tonsils out. Any sort of medical intervention 'below stairs' is unthinkable.

But then I start wondering, if I really wanted a child, then I'd get past all of the above, and I wonder if maybe subconsciously I don't want a baby, and this why I've got this fear?

I saw a new baby last night, one week old, his Mum is 29. My first thought was "I wish I'd done that when I was 29" - I just feel I've become too scared and a bit too old now. Sorry I sound really confused. The whole thing goes round and round in my head. Maybe I need to stick my head back in the sand for a few months !!!