Think I have ante-natal depression.

[Rocklover]

First of all let me apologise, I have posted far too many moany rants lately, so don't want people getting fed up with me.

As I have talked about before, I have constant pregnancy nausea, IBS and various other pregnancy related ailments which are really making me feel dreadful even at 28 weeks.

I am having additional stresses in that my 5 y/o dd is experiencing problems at her new school and is crying each morning and not wanting to go in which I find heartbreaking. I am not coping very well with her being so upset as she loved her previous school and although I am trying to deal with it via the school it's causing me much anxiety.

I live with my dp who I moved nearly 200 miles away from my family to be with. I became pregnant about a year into the relationship, which in hindsight was probably not the greatest idea. I am finding the relationship very difficult at the moment and I am extremely homesick for my family...my Mum is my rock.

Dp is getting a bit fed up I think as I am so miserable all the time. I was crying this morning about the problem with dd and probably being a bit snappy. I phoned him up after I dropped dd off at school as I was upset as she was so clingy and scared before I left (not like her). And although I know he was trying to help me sort things out he kept shouting at me over the phone which just made me cry even more.

He wasn't like this before we lived together, so I can only conclude that my difficult pregnancy and the anxiety it is causing me is making life hard for him.

If I come clean all I really want is to grab dd and run home to my Mum (pathetic as I am 36), because I just can't cope any more. I hate being away from my family, I hate the feeling of isolation I get here, I never feel safe or secure.

I am wondering if I need to go back on anti-depressants to help with this feeling of hopelessness. Sorry to seem so ridiculous, but I just needed to get it all out, any advice would be welcome. Thanks.

You poor thing Rocklover, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. You mention having been on ADs before - was this earlier in your pregnancy or before you got pregnant? If you have dealt with a period of depression before, then what helped you get better then? Was it ADs, talking therapy, family support etc? It seems to me that it might be helpful to talk through options with your GP - your midwife might be able to help too? - and see whether any help is available from that route.

Given all of the stress that you are experiencing with the pregnancy, it's natural that you would feel low and want to escape. It's hard to get a perspective on it when you feel like this, but you will feel better as your pregnancy-related ailments improve (even if only when your baby is born), and you are going through a really difficult time which will get easier to deal with. It sounds to me like you are coping really well, even if you feel desperate. At the same time though, it's important not to ignore how you are feeling. Feeling isolated and insecure is horrible - and it sounds like those might be bigger issues than just pregnancy-related ones?

Have you talked to your mum about how you are feeling? Could she come and stay with you for a day or two to give you some help? It sounds as though you are talking to your DP about things, but he may not realise how bad you are feeling, and maybe he feels powerless to help. But this is a problem that you need to solve together - could you sit down when he gets back from work and try and tell him calmly how you feel, that it's not his fault but you need help in turning things around?

Anyway you don't sound pathetic or ridiculous to me - but I think you need help to deal with your feelings of isolation and insecurity, and talking about them is a really important first step.

My parents, sister and her DH are coming down this weekend to stay in a cottage near my home (my flat is too small to accommodate them), so that will be nice.

I am scared that I have done completely the wrong thing with my life. I was living with my parents after being left broke when I divorced my first husband. I suffered from anxiety quite badly from 2008, I was off work for a year with it (sept 08-Oct 09), hence the anti-d's, I was on Citalopram for the anxiety.

I recovered completely with help from my family and my dp who I met in the middle of my illness and we ended up having a whirlwind romance. My Mum was very against me moving down to be with dp, but I was very unhappy living with my parents (because i needed my own space) so I am ashamed to say I ignored all her advice. I acted like a stroppy teenager , and basically said I knew best, which I really did believe to be true.

But now I am here, miles from my family, having dragged 5 y/o dd away from her reception year at a school she loved and was doing very well in. She is having social problems at her new school (and I have to admit I don't like the school that much myself, it has a good reputation, but is far too laid back in my view). I just feel now that maybe my Mum was right and I should have waited, or got dp to move up to me and I have possibly made yet another complete mess of my (and dd's) life.

I feel ill (sick) all the time due to the pregnancy and being emetephobic (scared of vomiting) makes everything so very hard. I am struggling just to do the school run every day and hardly go out, dp does get dd out of the house for me though and is generally very helpful, but I know he doesn't fully realise how awful I feel. I'm too scared to tell him how unhappy I am and what doubts I'm having as he'd be devastated.

Hi again Rocklover, I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling and about your situation. I have ante-natal depression and have been on fluoxetine for 10 mweeks now but had the dose increased last week as i wasn't getting much better. I now have CPN support and my GP is sympathetic - I know this can be a postcode lottery though and not everyone is in an area with good resources. I would say start with the doctor and see how helpful he is, you obviously need some outside support whether it is medicinal or a talking therapy. I would say from my own experience that the pregnancy ailments definitely make anything else worrying you seem MUCH worse. I was happy and relaxed before pregnancy and now I worry about everything and have dragged myself down. The CPN explained this to me that it is the depression making me have these thoughts and I needed medication to help stop the spiral of negative thoughts. You need help to determine if the problems you feel you are suffering are "real" and causing the low mood, or is the low mood causing you to dwell? It's a tough one... Talk to your DP, he helped you last time and maybe he hasn't realised how much you are struggling just now. It seems hard for men to understand the hormones and ailments we suffer in pregnancy. As for just wanting to run home to Mum, well all I can say is that is natural and it's good you have her, however far away. My Mam has been a rock the last few weeks and apart from DH I feel most safe and relaxed with her. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will all be fine but all I can do is sympathise and say you are not alone. Please speak to your doctor or midwife and see what help they can give you so that you could maybe enjoy some of these last few weeks before baby arrives. x

Another vote for seeing the GP here. I was diagnosed with antenatal depression at 20 weeks and was offered anti-ds and counselling (although I haven't reached the top of the waiting list yet). It sounds like you might benefit from the anxiety-lowering anti-ds you were on before as your anxiety is making the sickness worse... which makes everything else seem worse!

Don't forget it's very hard for someone to support a loved one with depression - they can offer ideas and practical help, but in the end the person with depression has to find a way out themselves. I bet your DP is doing what he can with the skills he has!

Another, more long-term idea - have you thought about moving back to the area where your family are? You seem to do a lot of things for other people ie moving to Devon, all the driving to your XP with your DD... perhaps it's time to think about looking after your own interests? Just a thought.

PS: I have started to feel better in the last few days (32 weeks) as the end is in sight. Won't be long for you now either.

Thanks for your replies, i will definitely make a dr's appt asap and I have a mw appt next week.

Dp has suffered from anxiety and depression before and so he will understand when I talk to him about just how bad I am really feeling.

Dp has lived in this town for most of his life and would be devastated if I asked him to leave and move back to where my family are. He is a rural boy through and through, so living in a large town would not appeal to him at all, even though he can't drive and things would be easier.

Thing is because dp used to suffer from anxiety I worry that making him move away from everything he knows would cause a problems for him also. I am in a catch 22 situation, because I know living near my family would be better for dd and myself as well as the new baby.

Just to be clear though, dp did not pressure me to move down here, that was totally my decision (a grass is always greener thought process). So it really is my fault that I am in this situation.

Don't blame yourself so much - you haven't ruined your life (or your DD's), you just took a decision that you are now reconsidering, it doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. Now is probably not a good time to make big decisions given everything you are going through - just focus on getting through the days and the rest of your pregnancy. Try to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack - you have a lot to cope with at the moment.

Don't say that, you made a decision to try and make a new life for yourself which was very brave. The pregnancy will not be helping you settle in due to how poorly you feel. In the short term try and organise visits like this weekend and maybe you could organise a trip to stay with your parents too, something to look forward to? When baby arrives it will hopefully mean you can make some new friends through mother and baby groups locally? It's hard walking through the door the first time but I have made some great friends locally this way.
How is your DD after school today?

RL big hugs. I think you're coping with things very well given your situation/phobia etc. I live 3 doors away from my parents and I'm having a tough enough time with their support down the road - I would find it unbearable without them near.

I think you need to think if you feel down all the time or if it comes in 'waves' (mood swings). Manic mood swings are common in pregnancy - I have horrific long lasting lows but I do occasionally feel happy. ALso, I think many relationships are put under strain during pg - I know I've been a right pain to my DH and we have definately not got on as well as usual - it's hard as I feel so horrible and useless all the time and he has to do more stuff (like chores) while I sit doing nothing moaning at how bad I feel - and like your DH he's not exactly always very thoughtful in the way he says things, so I often find I cry from his looks or how he says things when he doesn't mean it like that, it's just me being so sensitive.

I think this is something you should bring up with your mw/GP to see what they think. Have you tried doing things that might help you feel more relaxed/better like a pg yoga DVD or relaxation CD or sth?

I truly symopathise as I don't think I'm as bad as you are but I get upset and depressed every single day and often cry as I just want to feel normal again - I feel like I'm constantly fighting nausea and feel so exhausted I can barely do anything and just get so upset at everything. I'm so happy to be pg and lucky, and wouldn't change it, but I'm just feeling like this is so hard.

xx

RL just read your most recent post, Please don't beat yourself up about your decisions - your hormones really are takign over your thoughts at the minute - don't make any moving decisions etc until after you've had the baby. You may find once you have the baby that you cope much better and grow settled where you are, and, if not, then maybe you could meet in the middle and live in a rural position a bit nearer your parents (?). It's not something to worry about now as you ave so much going on. Just trust that everything will work out for the best in the end even if it doesn't seem like it now (that's what I live my life by anyway).

Thanks everyone for all your lovely replies and great advice. I am not going to do anything silly like move again now, I know that alot of the difficulties i am having are being magnified by pregnancy hormones and feeling ill.

I am hoping that once the baby is born and I feel better I can get out and about more and hopefully I will get more used to my local area and meet people.

I think it's just that I am feeling so horrendously ill at the moment that I can barely get through each day, let alone deal with additional day to day stresses and strains.

Sorry, forgot to say hello to you angels .

You sound exactly how I felt when I was depressed.I was also a long way away from my family and had moved to be with a partner - it's amazing how important these support networks are. A lot of what you describe in terms of the way you feel is so typical of depression (the guilt, blaming yourself etc) - not to make light of it - but at least you can just recognise it as the illness and not think there is something fundamentally wrong with you as a person. Please seek help from any source you can - you will be so glad if you do. The MW/GP will definitely go out of their way to help. Because I have a previous history of depression I am asked at every apt how I am feeling, and I get the imnpression there is lots of support out there if I were to need it. You will not be the first person to feel like this - depression in pg is very common - it is a physical and emotional rollercoaster! Trust me, just getting it all off your chest to someone prof and making that first step will make you feel better alone. Good luck. x

Hello, worried about saying the wrong thing but here goes!
I have been in a similiar situation to you, my youngest is 17 months old and I have just come off the anti d's I was given 8 weeks before her birth.I suffer from anxiety/ phobia that I dealt with ok before getting pregnant. I found that pregnancy hightened these anxieties.Due to the nature of my phobia I could barely leave the house and everyday was a living nightmare.My Mum booked me in privately with a hypnotherapist to try and sort the phobia out, i had two visits which involved travelling 150 miles.He couldn't hypnotise me as I was too wound up.It was then I finally went to the doctor who was brilliant,he told me that my hormones could be multiplied 1000 times more in pregnancy, he booked me in with the counsellor and gave me anti d's.I must admit I didn't get on with the councelling sessions as I really wasn't ready to deal with my issues the way he wanted. However I did make excellent progress by myself and put this down to the medication.
Please go to the doctors and tell them how you are feeling, midwives are great but mine tended to skirt round my problems as I think they are not specialised enough to deal with it.After giving birth it was like a big weight had been lifted.
Is there something you like to do such as writing, cooking etc. I started knitting which wasn't really me! I knitted babe a blanket, it gave me a great distraction- now when I look at it it reminds me of what I hve been through but also makes me feel abit warm and fuzzy that I did something positive.

Good luck honey, you are not alone x

Hi Unmumsy, I wish i did have something that could distract me, but I am finding it utterly impossible to concentrate/engage with anything.

The nausea is getting worse, primarily because of the anxiety it is causing me and I am now just living each day in fear.

This afternoon I need to drive dd 8 or so miles to go to her swimming lesson, but I don't think I can do it. She already missed last week's because I was stranded at my parents 200 miles away, too scared to drive home.

I feel like an utter failure and that I will never feel normal again, that I will wake up dreading every day forever.

I am also now finding it very hard to eat, although I am forcing toast, crackers etc down. At least 2 weeks ago I was able to eat properly most of the time. It is a nightmare!

rocklover sending you sympathies/thoughts. I have complete up and down days - some days I can eat normal things and sometimes even enjoy them just a little, other days I need to force simple things down. It's also common for me to sit crying to DH or on my own feeling so fed up about how I've forgotten what it's like to feel normal and how frustrated I am. Right now I feel rubbish and sick and just want to curl up and wish the next few months away until I've had this baby. I can't imagine how much harder it is when you had a DD to look after - I certainly don't think I could manage it. I just wanted you to know that although I don't know if what you're experiencing is normal, I do know that what you say always rings true for how I'm feeling - so you're not alone.

angels you have just described exactly how I am feeling. I tried to go to work this morning but bottled out and stayed at home again. It is reassuring to know others are feeling some of the same things as sometimes you start to think you are abnormal. I just want to wake up in the morning without being sick and actually look forward to the day. The only thing i look forward to at the moment is the 6 hours of sleep I sometimes manage to get.

Well I have decided to give myself a break and not take dd to her swimming lesson tonight (to be fair she has had a few incidences of diahorrea the last few days and i know swimming is not the best idea for tummy upsets).

Plus my parents have hired a cottage nearby for the weekend with a swimming pool,so she will be swimming all weekend anyway.

It's so weird angels, I could have written your last post! I am crying and upset all the time and poor dp is tearful too as he can't help me to physically feel better.

I think the stress I suffered last week at being stuck at my parents has had a very bad effect on my body and my mental health and I am hoping against hope that it will calm down soon.

At the moment, I almost feel like I am living outside of myself and nothing feels real, which I know is a classic sign of severe anxiety. I know I have to go to the drs about this, but I am not sure I can even cope sitting in the waiting room at the moment. Everything is so bloody difficult! Plus exh has dropped the delightful bombshell that he wants to see dd on the last weekend of Nov and I have to figure out how to get her to London again.

Can he not collect her? You seem to do all the running for him. There is no way I could do a long drive at the moment and after your last trip I think the last thing you need is another long trip.
Please see the doctor Rocklover, can you ask for a home visit perhaps? Or could your Mum or sister go with you while they are visiting?

gretna You're so good even managing to get to work - I've been signed off pretty much the whole pregnancy and GP wants to sign me off until mat leave starts now (but then, my job is to teach cooking which is a hazard in itself as I struggle with cooking smells etc).

rocklover I'm glad your parents are coming down this weekend - I'm sure it'll be really good to have them around for a couple of days locally to you. Also - I too get worried/stressed about going to GP (mainly anxious from that I feel sick or if someone else if feeling sick which will trigger me to feel sick etc etc). I try to make appointments either at the very start of surgery so there won't be much of a backlog to wait through and not so many people waiting around, or straight after lunch for the same reason. I've also started doing a pg yoga dvd which really reduces my anxiety as I do it - have you tried anything like that while DD is at school? Btw - you exh is being completely unreasonable making you drive all that way again pg or not pg - if it were me I'd tell him that was fine but he would have to sort out transportation/get a train or sth to you to collect her (I know it's a long way for him - but he is in a fit state to do it unlike you). I know the trip will simply stress you out and make your anxiety worse - so take notice of Dr Angels' advice

The thing that drives me mad is I get alot of 'still feeling bad?' with disbelieving looks from people at work when I go in, oddly especially those who have been pg. It's like they can't understand it and think I'm making it all up, which makes me feel even worse and even more abnormal for feeling as I do at this point!

My Mum keeps reassuring me as she had a difficult pregnancy with my sister feeling very sick and tired etc and she said she used to go to her mw and practically burst into tears saying she didn't think she'd ever feel normal again, but then as soon as my sister was born she said she stopped feeling sick, so I guess at least we have a finishing point to aim for, not that it helps us when we are sitting here in tears at frustration of feeling so down/rubbish/sick/unable to do anything every day.

Plus exh has dropped the delightful bombshell that he wants to see dd on the last weekend of Nov and I have to figure out how to get her to London again.

NO YOU DON'T. He has to figure it out. Your reply is "that's nice, I'm sure she'd love to see you. of course you know I can't drive, how are you going to get her to you?" He needs to start taking some responsibility.

Please go to the docs, you don't have to feel this way.

I have actually been of work most of the last 10 weeks, I've managed a handful of days at the most. Well meaning people keep suggesting that if I just went to work I would have company and wouldn't get so down, I tried and ended up worse than before. I have the CPN coming tomorrow and my Mam and DH will be here so I am hoping she can explain to them better than I have what helps and what doesn't. I know what you mean about people who have done pregnancy with no problems, sometimes they make me feel like a failure for struggling so much. I have friends with 3 and 4 children and they seem to cope so well with pregnancy and being a busy Mum. I know you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors though...
I'm glad you have ditched the swimming RL but I do understand the guilt at letting your DD down, my DS keeps asking me if I will come when he goes out places. Sometimes I manage and other times i just can't face it. My Mam keeps telling me that he won't remember these months and I have to hope thats true!

Recent study reported in the Telegraph was saying acupuncture is a good as anything for depression in pregnancy - if you don't want to go down the drugs route. Worth thinking about

I have looked around for accupuncturists, but they are all £30-£40 a session and with just dp working we really cannot afford it at the moment. I really want to try it as it's supposed to be good for morning sickness and anxiety etc, but with Christmas coming up, money is already spent.

DD was disappointed for about 30 seconds, but is bouncing around happily now and to ease my guilt I am letting her raid her halloween booty ! Now I don't have the pressure of the swimming ordeal I feel less sick...that's anxiety for you.

I am not going to do the drive up to my exh, it would kill me. But in his text he has put the onus fully on me to find a "plan b" to get her to him. It didn't even occur to him to offer to come down here just to help me out. As far as he can see because I moved it's my responsibility to get her to him.

well then can you reply to his tx and place the onus firmly on him to make arrangements? I don't see how it should always be you to organise the travelling feeling sick or not.

The thing with accupuncture (I had it last year) is that they say it's most useful when you have it regularly - I had to start of every week for a month and then every other week for a little while and then every month. SO it really is quite a hefty amount of money if you don't have it. In my area I know you can get accupuncture on NHS for things like back ache, so might get it for other issues too - maybe you GP might know if this is a possibility when you see them.