Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

DP not as supportive as I thought he would be..

48 replies

jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:47

Hi Guys,
I am 23 years old and just need a vent as my mum told me off earlier because I 'keep crying'. I am just having a bit of trouble atm with my partner we have been together for 6 years and he has always been a recrational drugs user ( smokes weed basically). I know this is never good in any circumstances but you ladies know when you love someone your willing to over look certain things. He always promised me he would stop as soon as I got pregnant anyway I am now 22+3 and he still hasent given up. I have spoke to him time and time again about how worried I am and practically begged him but he just tells me I am moany and that he will give up when he wants and to stop going on and if I dont then he will leave me. Its not just the weed smoking its when he goes out he is gone for like 12 hours at a time he dosent work and isnt really making a big effort to find work he just wants to go out all day and get stonned. I really thought he would be different and more involved and supportive when I got pregnant but it seems like his freaked out and just wants to be out all the time his lost even more intrest since we found out its a little girl he just dosent put anything into things to do with the baby its like he cant be botherd. I just feel really lonely and scared its my first pregnancy and my best friend has recently moved away and my family are fed up of hearing it people just tell me to get rid of him. But I love him and he is the father of my child I just keep hoping he will change soon...any advice ladies you guys are like my guidence angels sorry for the long post xx

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 07/11/2010 20:49

He will not change and you were a fool to think he would. But that can't be changed now. Cut your losses and drop him like the waste of space he is.

BertieBotts · 07/11/2010 20:53

I know that you're fed up of people telling you to get rid, but really, he is never going to change. He has already shown you he doesn't care or he would have made some big changes already. Sorry but I think you need to stop mooning over him and start preparing for life as a single parent. It's not all bad, honest - check out the Lone Parents section on here as we have nice supportive threads inamongst the venting ones sometimes :)

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:53

Thanks for being so sensitive - FYI if people have nothing nice to say to this post dont bother please as I already feel as you like to say a 'fool' as it is so thanks a bunch

OP posts:
thebrownstuff · 07/11/2010 20:53

what Booboo said. You're young, whole life ahead of you, don't waste it. Get rid of him, you'll be much better off.

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:54

ok thanks

OP posts:
SofaKitten · 07/11/2010 20:56

So you'd prefer people to lie to you? - Now THAT'S not nice.

thebrownstuff · 07/11/2010 20:56

Jemsy87, you asked for advice. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, but on the basis of what you've told us it's the truth. I know it's hard to hear, but there's no point getting stroppy with us. We're not deliberately trying to upset you, just trying to help.

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:56

No not lie but not be so harsh - I dont need to be called a fool is all I am saying

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 07/11/2010 20:58

It comes down to this: he has chosen the weed over you and his child. And tbh the chances are he always will. Do you have a job?

thisisyesterday · 07/11/2010 20:59

i was going to say the same as everyone else i'm afraid

well, i wouldn't call you a fool, but if he can't be bothered now do you think he will be bothered when the baby is born?
will you be able to trust him with the baby?
will he support you emotionally and financially?

you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it on someone who tells you they'll leave you if you ask them to stop taking drugs

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:59

Im not being stroppy I just wanted some friendly advice on how to be strong because I am out of ideas- Im quite aware I have done the worng thing believeing in him x

OP posts:
Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:00

Im not being irrational by asking him to stop am I sometimes I question myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:00

Yes I do work x

OP posts:
SofaKitten · 07/11/2010 21:00

OK, well here goes - you have been overly optimistic in his ability or enthusiasm to change.
You need to think if you could carry on with him as he is - or possibly a bit worse - and make a decision.
Look on it as a learning experience! It will be hard but surely long-term happiness would be preferable over some short-term heart break?

japhrimel · 07/11/2010 21:01

If you don't want honest replies, don't post here, sorry.

It really sounds like he won't change, but perhaps if you get yourself more sorted so you could leave him and then tell him to sort his act out or you're off, with his baby, then he might get his butt in gear. It sounds like he's taking you for granted as you've demonstrated you won't leave even if he does exactly what he wants.

Presumably he's about your age? Men do often seem to take longer to grow up, even if they're working & earning, etc. But the drug use isn't good, as he may struggle to give up without help and until he seriously restricts his weed usage, he'll probably struggle to get a good job & be a responsible father.

rubyslippers · 07/11/2010 21:01

6 years and he has smoked weed for all that time?

Am afraid there is no reason for him to change because you have stuck by him for so long

You may love him, but he clearly loves weed more

Believe me, he has no interest now and won't when the baby arrives

I can almost guarantee thAt you will end up doing it all on your own so you should start to look into leaving - get to CAB to work out your entitlements etc and get a a plan into place

I overlook some of my Husbands annoying habits because i love him, but believe me if he was smoking weed and sitting on his bum not working he would be out on his arse

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:02

SofaKitten- I agree with you I just feel so scared to get rid of him - I know it for the best its just being able to pluck up the courage IYKWIM x

OP posts:
mrsbigw · 07/11/2010 21:03

Jemsy don't feel foolish, I dont know anyone who has never been blinded by love. Some people grow out of bad habits, other people live 'normally' & then have a mid life crisis &/ or develop drink/ drug problems. Maybe start looking into the practicalities of living alone etc & spend plenty of time with your family/ friends who love you.
Take care & good luck.

thisisyesterday · 07/11/2010 21:04

jemsy... do you live with him or with your parents?

could you suggest a temporary break to see where his priorities lie?
i mean basically tell him taht you'v;e had enough. it's over, unless he quits the weed and gets a job~?

DeborahDeborah · 07/11/2010 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SofaKitten · 07/11/2010 21:05

So you've made the decision already and just need encouragement? Your best bet is to get to the CAB, and enlist some friends to take your phone off you when you do move out so you don't ring him etc!

Good luck.

Original poster
jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:06

japhrimel- Its not about not wanting honest replies of course I do just feeling a little emotional/sensitive today surely you guys can relate to that and not really wanting to be told I am a fool- But I do appriciate you guys replying to me and giving me advice as sometimes he does make me feel like I am over reacting about the whole sistuation x PS his 26 know what you mean about men maturing taking longer!

OP posts:
cotswolder · 07/11/2010 21:08

Sorry you are going through this with your partner! From what I gather alot of men struggle to engage with pregnancy - easy for us because it is our body - but more difficult for men until much later on when baby becomes more obvious! This may not be helping your situation at present.

Having said that, I think you are being naive if you think your partner will change here. I may be wrong and he might be the first bloke to surprise me, but I doubt it based on what you say of his behaviour. You won't be the first or last to have rose tinted glasses of a partner but you really need to be strong and clear here - baby is and should be your first priority!

Is there any counselling you could get for you (and him of would do it?)to discuss this objectively without family around? might also give you some options?

To be fair, someone who is happy to disappear for 12 odd hours is likely to be of little support to you and I would also be very concerned over recreational drug use around a baby. Children need good role models and he doesn't sound it!

Georgimama · 07/11/2010 21:09

Why do you feel scared to give him the elbow when he doesn't work (but you do), smokes weed, disappears for hours on end, threatens to leave you and calls you moany? What exactly does he do to merit your love? Doesn't sound to me like he does anything.

When the baby that he doesn't seem to want arrives things will get much much worse. You've got four months until your baby is born, leave now and get yourself sorted. If he grows up a bit and starts showing an interest when the baby is born he can have access, naturally.

Violet5 · 07/11/2010 21:09

Hi, i think there's not much point in looking back over whats got you to where you are now as you already seem aware that hoping he would change probably wasn't enough.
Peoples advice can sound really cut and dried, and abrupt but i think thats just because when you're older you look back and can see things differently....hindsight.
My previous relationship was a total disaster area but when you're in it it's hard to be objective.
From the outside it seems like you are the only one 'making' the relationship work and he feels he holds the power because he turns around and just says he will leave.
I really know nothing about drugs so i don't want to give any advice in that area.
Only advice i would give you is to look after yourself and maybe work on building yourself up,strengthening relationships with family and friends and doing things just for yourself.
The stronger you make yourself the better for your daughter, and should you find things just don't work out in the long run then at least you'll have stability within yourself. We can't change other people but we can change ourselves and how we see and deal with things.
Sorry i haven't much in the way of practical advice. Take care.