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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DP not as supportive as I thought he would be..

48 replies

jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 20:47

Hi Guys,
I am 23 years old and just need a vent as my mum told me off earlier because I 'keep crying'. I am just having a bit of trouble atm with my partner we have been together for 6 years and he has always been a recrational drugs user ( smokes weed basically). I know this is never good in any circumstances but you ladies know when you love someone your willing to over look certain things. He always promised me he would stop as soon as I got pregnant anyway I am now 22+3 and he still hasent given up. I have spoke to him time and time again about how worried I am and practically begged him but he just tells me I am moany and that he will give up when he wants and to stop going on and if I dont then he will leave me. Its not just the weed smoking its when he goes out he is gone for like 12 hours at a time he dosent work and isnt really making a big effort to find work he just wants to go out all day and get stonned. I really thought he would be different and more involved and supportive when I got pregnant but it seems like his freaked out and just wants to be out all the time his lost even more intrest since we found out its a little girl he just dosent put anything into things to do with the baby its like he cant be botherd. I just feel really lonely and scared its my first pregnancy and my best friend has recently moved away and my family are fed up of hearing it people just tell me to get rid of him. But I love him and he is the father of my child I just keep hoping he will change soon...any advice ladies you guys are like my guidence angels sorry for the long post xx

OP posts:

japhrimel · 07/11/2010 21:09

Totally understand.

Focus on yourself and what you need. If he realises he can't take you for granted, he might make the tough choices. Quite possibly not because long term drug use is hard to kick, whatever the drug is (and lifestyle drugs like weed can be very hard IMO), but if he still thinks he can take you for granted, there's no way he'll change.

DeborahDeborah · 07/11/2010 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:10

mrsbigw- thank you so much needed them kind words x

thisisyesterday- we live with my mum and sister x

SofaKitten- Am in the process of making the desision but yes I know what needs to be done x

Thanks guys for your support x

OP posts:

SofaKitten · 07/11/2010 21:13

You'll be fine - take care!

Original poster

jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:14

Just feel sick to my stomachto think I was so stupid - of course my baby comes first if his still smoking weed when my baby arrives there is no way on earth his even setting eyes on her- I just dont understand why he dosent want to stop and dedicate his life to making sure she has the best life possible like me...it just baffles me, but then thats me being naive i guess

OP posts:

squirrel007 · 07/11/2010 21:16

I don't think you're a fool - you only believed he would put your and your baby first. Sadly he has shown that he can't, or won't, so if anyone is a fool I think it's him.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask him to give up the weed when he's about to become a father, or to need more support from him. So don't let him persuade you that you are overreacting.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :)

thebrownstuff · 07/11/2010 21:20

Well jemsy, sounds like you do have your head screwed on right.. Get all the support you can from your friends and family and look at how you'll manage practically on your own. Keep posting here, lots of very wise women with good practical advice and support.

Are mum and sister supportive? At least it's more your place so it should be straightforward getting him out. Wishing you the best. You need to be strong right now for your baby, you won't regret it

Original poster

jemsy87 · 07/11/2010 21:26

Thanks ladies you guys are amazing xxx

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 07/11/2010 21:32

i really hope everything goes ok for you jemsy.

can you talk to your mum about this? about maybe leaving him? you need lots of support from friends and family if you're going to go through with it.
think about yourself and your baby... if he wants you he;ll be there. if not then you CAN do this by yourself

nicolamumof3 · 07/11/2010 22:02

do you live together?

if not it should be easier to seperate i would hope.

I know you may feel you 'need' him but you don't need him because basically he's not supporting you, and if he loved you and wanted this he would stop.

Mahraih · 08/11/2010 14:46

"I just dont understand why he dosent want to stop and dedicate his life to making sure she has the best life possible like me...it just baffles me, but then thats me being naive i guess"

Good question! Always one I ask when I see stories abotu parents (mums and dads) who apparently don't care.

It's not you being naive. Addiction is a very powerful thing. Some people are very addicted, habitual users who don't really WANT to stop. He basically doesn't have room in his life for anything but weed. He has proved that by not managing to get a job, and now this.

Please DO leave him. If you feel he deserves one more chance, tell him you'll leave and see what he does. If he changes, then great, but if he doesn't then he has shown you your path.

Original poster

jemsy87 · 08/11/2010 15:02

Hi Ladies,

Had a massive convo with him last night and I feel he actually listerned to me for a change. I gave him an ultimatetum start being a father now or never be one!!
He has now promised he will quit as of today being the first day 'clean' he has said his doing it for his daughter. I am not holdign my breath but still trying to have some faith in him.

Thanks again ladies for all your support this really is his last chance...

OP posts:

Faaamily · 08/11/2010 15:04

He needs to start going out and looking for work while he's at it. Does he think the baby will live off thin air?

fayc84 · 08/11/2010 15:18

My question is does he smoke around you while pregnant and do you think he will smoke around the baby and look after her while stoned?

I don't think smoking weed is all that bad. It has been proven to be no worse than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol.

The problems arise if he is unable to say drive you to antenatal appointments because he couldn't lay off the weed long enough to be ok to drive. Or if he refuses to stop smoking it around you as that can put your and your baby's health at risk. Or if he's lost his job due to drug use. But if he is just a recreational user and you were fine with it for the past six years, why are you expecting it to suddenly stop now?

If there are specific things that you have asked him to do with you regarding your baby/pregnancy that he has refused I can understand why you think he's more interested in weed than your family, but it may be a case of oversensitivity due to pregnancy (we are all guilty of this at times) and he's feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, especially if he's stressed out that he doesn't have a job to provide for the soon to arrive bundle.

Just wanted to offer an alternative view point to those telling you to chuck him. Only you know what he is like and know if his behaviour is going to damage your child and that's what you have to consider now.

Samraves · 08/11/2010 16:07

Hi there,

The important people here are you and the baby. Maybe at some point your partner will realise what he is doing and change - and some people do. If you love him, then I can see why you would hope that he would and why you would stay.

However, my advice is to get yourself in the strongest position you can and start preparing yourself for the eventuality that you may be raising your baby alone (and with the support of your family & friends). I would start with important stuff like making sure that you and the baby have somewhere to live, and what benefits / mat pay you get from work so you know where you stand financially. In my experience, there are some great local groups to get yourself a network of other mums (check out your local children's centres) so you don't feel isolated.

Then, when you are feeling a bit stronger, give him a final chance (just so you know you have tried) but be calm rational and make it clear that you will not let him near the baby if he has been smoking weed.

Whilst your family are there to support you, they may just feel frustrated. Perhaps they will be better if you start speaking to them about how you could manage without your partner and the actions you will be taking to look after yourself and the baby.

Good luck and take care x

Original poster

jemsy87 · 12/02/2011 13:41

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to give an update of my previous post. Since the night that I had a chat with my DP he has been clean off the weed- It has been hard but he did it at first he suffered from insomnia, Loss of appitite and mood swings. Now his over it he is a completely changed man - his been amazing he will not leave my side and has been putting his heart and sole into trying to find a job so that he can provide for me and his daughter, he also does everything for me now cooking, cleaning- helps my out the bath, shaves my legs for me, puts my shoes on ( oh how dignified pregnancy is ). I am 4 weeks till my due date and I think his more excited than I am now typical lol. I just wanted to post incase there was anyone similar who is going through what I was previously and just tell them that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel providing your dp is in teh right frame of mind. Me and my DP have never been better - I love him more now than ever and I am really proud that he has managed to give his addiction up and stay strong - Just proves to me how much he does really love me and his unborn daughter - Thanks again ladies for all your advice previously xx

OP posts:

rain1014 · 12/02/2011 14:56

Im going to say the same as the ladies above, but I speak from experience as I have been where you are. Hoping and praying that once he sees his baby he will all of a sudden change his ways , he didnt!

I will tell you this once your baby is born , you will find an amazing strength and a sense of what is right for yourself and your child who you will do anything and everything to protect and insure has the best life.

So at the end of the day you dont need anybody telling you what to do , you WILL do what is right.

I hope you do get a happy ending and your partner sorts himself out.

jenga079 · 12/02/2011 18:00

Jemsy, I didn't see your original post, but was delighted to read your update. Well done for being brave enough to make a stand and well done to DP for making such a commitment to you and the baby. Best of luck with your last few weeks of pregnancy, the birth and being a mum (how exciting!)

bootus · 12/02/2011 18:25

I second jenga, its great that you stood up for yourself, even when in the haze of pregnanacy hormones, confused and frightened. Its great to hear the positve update and I truly hope he is one of the few leopards who has successfuly changed its spots!! FWIW I know someone very close to me whose partner smoked dope (to be fair he had a good job too and was/is quite responsible in day to day matters) but he promised to give up once bubba arrived as he felt it was a bad example, he did and has never touched it nearly 3 years later so it can be done.

LifesComplicated · 12/02/2011 19:03

Hiya Jemsy,

Firstly, I just want to say that you've made my day! I only just came across your thread and having read it from start to finish I was feeling so bad for you and feeling pretty appalled by the insensitive tone of some of the early responses you were getting to your request for advice. I've not known MN-ers to be so curt, blunt, and unthinking before, and it pained me to think of you being kicked in this way (metaphorically) when you were down, young, scared, pregnant and in a real dilemma. I hope those people can remember back to when they were in a real dilemma and perhaps learn a little tact and compassion from that.

You can imagine my joy at reading your most recent post, and hearing how things have improved for you. Your other half now sounds like he's being everything you could've wished for and more - and is trying very hard to make-up for his earlier shortcomings. You really do deserve every happiness and all the loveliness he is showering you with. I'm so happy that you've bonded as a unit, and you have one lucky little baby there with such a close mummy and daddy.
I wish your other half all the success in the world with getting a job (not easy for anyone in this economic climate but I can and will happen I'm sure). And above all I wish you luck with your labour and happiness as a new family.
Take care.
:)

LifesComplicated · 12/02/2011 19:05

sorry - that last sentence was supposed to read:
...(not easy for anyone in this economic climate but it can and will happen, I'm sure).
x

flamegirl77 · 12/02/2011 21:25

Lots of luck to all three of you!

1Catherine1 · 12/02/2011 21:44

I've just come across your thread for the first time and it almost brought me to tears (dam pregnancy hormones). I'm glad you were so strong to tell him how you felt and I'm even happier to hear how he realized how important the two of you are to him.

Well done the pair of you and good luck!

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