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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone regretted having a third child?

30 replies

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 17:32

I have 2 dc aged 4.5 and 2.5. Have been trying for number 3 for 13 months. On holiday last summer DH & I were lying under the stars watching a meteor shower and afterwards he said he'd wished for another baby. We have used no contraception since last August.
We went on holiday this Sept and when we returned I started having cramps and sore boobs and was utterly exhausted. Googled my symptoms (as never had them in either of my previous pregnancies) and told DH there was a possibility I was pg. He said fine, we have 2 fab kids, if this one's half as good it'll be great. I took a test. BFP on cbdigital 4 days early.

Told DH and am utterly floored by his reaction. He is adamant he doesn't want the baby and feels it would be bad for us as a family to add another sibling. However he did say he is 100% behind me whatever I choose and he appreciates it is my body, my choice. I feel totally torn in two. I can see his point of view but if he had been pleased then I would have no doubts at all. As it is I am confused and wonder if a termination would be best.
If I am honest, I feel if I got rid of this baby I would hate every pregnant woman I saw, and a few of my friends are expecting/ttc at the moment. I don't want to end up bitter and long for another baby as long as I live.

So, is it really so much harder having 3? My eldest has just started school, youngest will get his nursery allowance from Jan.

Please help.

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japhrimel · 08/10/2010 17:37

I don't think having a termination solves the issues. There have been other threads on that before and the consensus was always that if you are not 100% sure about a termination, it will lead to regrets and major relationship strain. I saw a friend deal with that and it really affected her mental health for years.

Why has your DH changed his mind? Have you discussed that? If he didn't want another child, you should've been using contraception (as a couple - it's not just your responsibility!) or he should've had the snip.

My DH is 1 of 3 and although his Mum says it was really hard at times when they were little, it's lovely for him to have 2 siblings. And my MIL had unrecognised PND so that definitely played a role in finding it hard!

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 17:37

I think you already know how you would feel if you terminate this pregnancy.

I had a 3rd child in my 40s. It was hard, but I wouldn't change a thing. I have said this a lot on here, and it may sound trite, but honestly, she is so precious to me, and so loved, I couldn't bear the thought of being without her. She is the apple of her daddy's eye too.

And I felt just the way you describe when I first found out I was pregnant.

Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 17:44

Thank you. I just feel so sad. I have no idea why he's changed his mind. It came as a real shock to me. I can't have a termination. I just can't.
All I want is for him to be ok with it all. Or happy even.

He came home from a meeting earlier and saw me in tears and he was quite shocked. Maybe he'll come round.

The stupid thing is, I asked him to have a vasectomy if he is so sure he doesn't want any more children but he said he wouldn't, in case something happens to one of the dc we already have, he'd want another one.

I am 35. I don't plan to have any more after this one.

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japhrimel · 08/10/2010 17:47

Wow, sounds like he needs to get his head sorted.

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 17:50

I think he will come round. Maybe it is just the initial shock?

Once he thinks of the baby as a "real person" his attitude may change.

I do hope so, because I don't think you will be able to cope with your life and your relationship if you do have a termination.

CheeseandGherkins · 08/10/2010 17:52

I have 3 and I'm 29 weeks pregnant with my 4th. 3 is not harder and I would not give him up for the world. He is a little, gorgeous 3 year old and amazing; of course :o

Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 17:54

I think it's because it took just over a year, he was convinced it wouldn't happen. Still didn't actively try to prevent it though. No 3littlefrogs I don't think it is the right choice for me. I can see myself becoming depressed and bitter. Surely that is worse for the dc than an extra person in their lives?

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Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 17:55

Thank you CheeseandGherkins that is really good to know.

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3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 17:58

All I can say is that my older children love their little sister, I think having siblings is something to be thankful for - after all, dh and I won't be around for ever, and I am glad my 3 dcs have got each other.

I am not saying it was easy, but definitely worth it!

Easywriter · 08/10/2010 17:59

Fiftyfifty I really feel for you, it sounds like an awful position to be in.

Is it possible that your DP has got scared? You know that feeling you get when you know you're expecting a baby even though you've been trying to concieve and you suddenly doubt whether you should be pregnant?

My DP was a bit like this with our third and I could empathise because I was terrified too (though not to the point of considering ending the pregnancy). I was terrified with my first pregnancy too. It just that there is a difference between trying to concieve a baby and actually being pregnant.

Hopefully your DP will get through this if it is that type of feeling. Was he like this with previous DC's?

With my 3rd DC I found the first 6 months mental. I felt like we were out of control and I felt like I'd been selfish to have had her. However, every day since that 6 months has got easier. DD3 is 2.11 and things are v. easy (give or take the odd tantrum).

Like other posters have said, please be sure of the choice you make and why you're making it.

I hope your DP comes around and you can act together.

frogetyfrog · 08/10/2010 18:02

If you are not 110% sure about a termination then it cannot be right surely. Please do be over 100% sure or you could really suffer.

I have three - didnt plan it. At times I think how much easier it would have been with our planned one or two, and still accept it is not ideal as one or two would have been, for us anyway. I cant pretend it isnt harder, more expensive and really gets to me at times. However, the choice was made for me in my view - I got pregnant (God knows how!) and fell in love immediately.

Do I regret it - no. I would never have not had my 3dc and love them all to bits and more than life itself. Our third dc is a delight and we love them all equally. It wasnt planned, and makes life very hard for us in our individual circumstances where we have little time, money and no support. But I would make the same decision again if (God forbid) i became pregnant with number 4 (although I would cry and wail for a few days first!).

Your dh is in this with you - he is a grown up and knew the risks of not using contraception. He is a father - he cant have the fun and not take the consequences.

Easywriter · 08/10/2010 18:02

Oh I forgot to say that I think the trying for a year has had an effect. We tried for over two years and gave up thinking we were just destined to have 2 and then DP was not impressed at the news of DC number 3 in the making.

I think it's what you get used to in your head and what you tell yourself to explain the long period of ttc.

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 18:02

I do also think that number 3 is easier - they just have to fit in, the time goes really fast, you are more laid back, you don't stress about things, because you know that everything is a phase and will be outgrown in due course!

Angeliz · 08/10/2010 18:03

My third was planned very close to my second, there is only 17 months between them. It was hard work for a while and is still full on but i wouldn't have it any other way.
I had two girls and the third was a boy (thought it would be another girl tbh and wasn't bothered), but i ADORE him and we are blessed with them. Thye are 9, 5 and 4 now and i can't imagine not having little ds in our family.
I think you know in your heart that you want it, strange reaction from your Husband, maybe he just got his head around it NOT happening?

Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 19:23

Yes Angeliz, maybe that's it. He has just helped me to dig out my maternity gear so maybe it will seem a bit more real to him now. I hope so.

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Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 20:10

Easywriter at what point did your DP feel ok with your pregnancy? You say he was not impressed with the news...

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KBarns39 · 08/10/2010 20:19

Poor you. How awful to put you in that position when he so obviously wanted a baby to begin with.
Obviously, babies are hard work to begin with but not always so. Your children are already so young, I honestly don't think another would make any difference.
I had my DS when my DD was 8, a huge age gap but now he is running around and into everything she loves him and plays with him loads. That was more like starting all over again, a baby for you now wouldn't be so hard.
As for a termination, would you be able to look your DH in the face again? I know he said he'd be happy with your decision, but would you end up blaming him one day?
Best of luck whatever you decide. xx

KBarns39 · 08/10/2010 20:23

Oh...and we will be trying for our 3rd soon!! xx

spiritedaway · 08/10/2010 20:24

I have 3 and am expecting no.4. This latest wasn't on my shopping list. 3 wasn't harder. I think maybe 2 is saturation point.
You'll probably find you already do all you can for your kids, including time on chores and simply can't do more so number 3 just has to fit in. Also routine wise, you probably already have one and again hopefully you'll find, as i did, that 3rd just fits in cos that's the way it is.
My 3rd child has been by far the easiest and i think that's actually from lack of attention! ie. a lot of times after i'd put her in the cot, she'd cry. With my others i'd have definately gone to them but with no.3 i simply couldn't because i had to finish something with the others. I wasn't focused on the crying and, lo and behold, 20 mins later she was fast asleep! Poor neglected child seems so far to be the most confident and happiest out of all 3...will not even be bonding with number4

spiritedaway · 08/10/2010 20:30

I also read somewhere that from 1 child to 2 is the biggest shock.The book said,

"...the difference between 1 and 2 is like the difference between owning a pet or a zoo."

I hope it works out for you all and you feel at ease with your decision. x

ClareV · 08/10/2010 20:46

We've got 3 and planned it that way (it was number 1 that was unplanned!)
The third is now 1 year old, others are 3 and 6.
The third really has just fitted in. The older ones are delighted with her (so long as she isn't eating lego).
Routines are already established with meals, school run etc, so her routine has just slotted around it.
The only big deal for us, was having to change the car, but as the old one was falling apart anyway that was going to be need doing at some point.
I know 3 was more my idea than DHs - he felt within his comfort zone dealing with 2, but then rarely looks after all of them anyway. He adores them all though. It's quite different I think when the baby arrives - a real adorable person rather than a concept.
I hope it all works out for you.
xx

Original poster

fiftyfifty · 08/10/2010 20:52

Thank you ClareV.
Our little Fiesta died last summer and we bought a bigger car then anyway which fits 3 car seats in the back so no worries there. We already have all the baby equipment from the first 2 babies and have both girls and boys clothes. The only financial outlay I can see will be nappies and possibly formula, although I breastfed the others no problem. I think DD and DS will be delighted. Just need DH to get his head around it.

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ClareV · 08/10/2010 21:51

You sound like you are set up for a third just like we were - I kept everything from the older two (one of each like you!).
Maybe give your DH a little breathing space to adjust and come round....how long has it been now since you both found out?
A new sibling just enriches the mix. Ours keep asking when the next baby is going to come!!

Conundrumish · 09/10/2010 10:26

Three will be fine . The first year is harder, but our DC3 is 4 now and so easy.

Please do not terminate if you have any doubts - I think you would resent your husband and ruin your relationship. If you are not sure, you would feel terrible every time you saw a baby.

He'll come round I'm sure. One of my friends had 3 accidents and thought her husband would leave her each time. Each time he came round and adores their children.

charmander · 09/10/2010 10:38

Our ds3 was very unplanned, with a 6 year age gap between him and ds2.

Because of him we had to cancel plans to spend 4 months travelling round Asia, move to be near my parents for childcare, put eldest 2 boys in one room, buy loads of new stuff as clothes etc had all been given away.

I was very wobbly at first about the whole thing, and somehow expected the pregnancy to miscarry as my second one had. I had non stop morning sickness, bleed badly after the birth, needed surgery and was re admitted with very high blood pressure a few days afterwards.

Not one of us would be without him for a minute. His big brothers adore him as do dh and I.

Good Luck.

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