Please tell me I've done the right thing.....(aggresive dog)

[redd82]

Hi, I really need someone to tell me that I've done the right thing....I'll try to keep it brief.
In a nutshell when I met and fell in love with my OH he had a dog that he rescued from a dogs home - the dog was a "lifer" due to aggression but he took him home as he has experience with difficult dogs. In the time that I have known the dog, he has bitten 7 people - including myself. I know it's due to being mistreated and in a way he does it to see if you come back and are worth loving.However, he has bitten strangers.
He is very protective of my OH and me and won't let anyone he doesn't know near us or in the house. I also have a dog - a king charles spaniel that is the totally different end of the spectrum.
When I discovered I was pregnant almost 7 months ago I said that if the dog ever showed any aggression to the baby or anyone wanting to get near baby, the dog would go.
However, after about 2 months I changed my mind and said the dog had to go. I couldn't take the risk. I would never trust him around the baby and our child comes first.
We have had 5 months of arguing and now he is going back to the dogs home next fri (he has to for legal reasons.)
The thing is my OH is absolutely distraught and says I am wrong and that he could be trained. I have desparately tried to change my mind but I can only think that the only way to remove the risk is the remove the dog.
I don't think he'll ever forgive me but I have said I would rather deal with him not forgiving me than put our baby at risk.
I am desparately hoping that when he holds our baby for the first time, he realises why i I have HAD to do this.

I know it will ruin the rest of my pregnancy...i am resigned to that.

Please tell me I did the right thing?,,

xxx

I'm a dog lover, but if they even growled at any of the kids, then it would be dog's home.

In an ideal world, he wouldn't have to choose, but this dog just isn't going to settle with children.

One idea could be to call the dog's home where he was rescued from, and ask if they would have placed the dog knowing there was a baby/child in the house and bet you dollars to donuts they would say, 'no.'

If he was a 'lifer' then he would not be placed in a family environment anyway and your OH is either in shock about his dog, in which case he will beg forgiveness, or he is a total asshole and best you know where you are in the pecking order.

wmmc ah, injuries make sense. They are very clumsy dogs.

Oh for heavens sake - why won't he push the divorce? I'm sorry but if he loved you he would do it. My DH was separated but still married when I met him, and his divorce was through and finalised within 4 months of us meeting.

And why won't your baby have your name? He can have your name, better that than your idiot of 'D'P who won't divorce his wife and won't get rid of his dangerous dog.

oh re the above....there wasn't an affair...they were already separated. I just realised how that sounded....
He was single when we met. Hence the dog bein the only thing he had.

thing is i know he loves me, and would do anything for me...otherwise this wouldn't even be a discussion.
it just hurts that it has taken so much pain and upset to make him do it.

the dog goes next friday.

we move house the following week. another reason to do it now because it's fairer on the dog.

but what should be a really exciting time is now ruined.

what do I do ladies - help me,,,
xx

He wouldn't do anything for you, because he won't divorce his wife.

If you are living in their house, then she has a claim on it and not you. What happens if your DP dies - his wife gets the house and you are homeless.

I am sorry to be harsh, but you need to wake up and take some control here. You are going to be a mother, the time for faffing around and being patient and quiet is over.

u. difficult one. but i doubt very much that this dog should be in a house with children -

this dogs behavious is unpredictable
babies/kids behave unpredictbly.

even if you used dog gates etc to keep the two separate, you could never be sure -

the dog has to be rehomed. what is a small bite for an adult (esp one who hs chosen to live with the dog) could be fatal to a newborn.

point out to your DH tht even if those people were responsible for getting bitten - a baby can easily do something daft to a dog, ad get a fatal bite.

my own dog has had kids pull her ears and tail - and is normally kept separate - make him think about what his dog might do in that situation. Liing in a situation whre your dog can't hve contact of any sort with the bby would be very stressful as sooner or later, a mistake woud be made.

the divorce is being delayed because of her. everything has to be done with consent.
he filed on two years and she refused to sign because she wants to file herself for adultery....

but she won't file....

and we can't afford a contested divorce....

he says its only a piece of paper and he loves me...but it's not is it...i'm entitled to nothing.

so I'm pregnant, trying to move house ,up to my eyeballs in boxes in her house, with a dog i hate that is causing my OH to question me and with a divorce that won't progress and an exwife who feels the need to ring our house phone to harass me....

and the one thing that makes me okay is a cuddle from my OH and at the minute, he doesn't want to give me that because he's so hurt.

my little flump is the only thing keeping me going..... all he has to do it kick to say "hi mum" and i can have a brief moment of joy

xx

You have no option, you will never be able to trust this dog around your baby/child. It's just a pity it is causing you this stress at this stage of your pregnancy You have both given this dog more than enough chances, he is dangerous, he has bitten 7 people, you just both have to accept that the only responsible thing to do is to get rid of him.

He won't do anything for you because the dog is still here, you will pay for it when it goes and he is still married to his wife.

You did the right thing saying the dog had to go, maybe not in getting pregnant with this idiot. Good luck.

oh the house, she doesn't own it anymore, it's his.
I have done EVERYTHING i can to get this divorce done. It's me that's research and written the two petitions, seen and paid for the solicitor, spoken to the Court and spent 2 years trying to get it done.

I haven't got anything left, physically emotionally or legally - he has to do it now.

I have done everything I can with regards to wills, pensions etc so if he dies, I can contess things at court.

she has us exactly where she wants us.
he says it's not worth the upset, to focus on baby and wait for 5 years when she doesn't need to consent.
easy for him eh....

believe me, i have searched my soul to find the patience and strength to leave it to him to sort out.

I can't deal with it anymore - our baby is too important. I have to let it go and trust hthat one day he will say to me, it's done.

xxx

You sound like you've made the right decision for both your baby and the dogs itself.

When the baby arrives, your dp and you will have much less time whether you like it or not to pay attention to the dog, and this may make it's behaviour even worse. Does your dp realise that?

We had 3 King Charles spaniels before DD was born, one of them from a rescue home. He was quite snappy and moody, but was my favourite out of the dogs. Unfortunately out of the blue he tried to bite my godson. My DP tried to dig his heels in, and keep him, in the end I had to threaten to kick him and the dog out of the house before he came to his senses. I would have gone through with it too. I rehomed the dog, and once DD was born and DP bonded with her, he could finally understand why we couldn't keep him. I was gutted as he was my favourite but you have to weigh up the risks.

Trust your instincts.

I still have a scar on my hand from being bitten by our dog at 9 months old. She was incredibly placid but reacted badly to a crawling baby getting under the table with her. It only took my mum turning her back for a minute. It's just not worth it, you are definitely in the right.

Right this is getting worse with every post. YOU have sorted his divorce (as far as it's gone)??

He is a complete and utter twat. If I were you, I would be making my plans to be a single parent rather than wasting anymore time and energy on this idiot.

Is there no way to compromise and give the dog best possible chance i.e get in an APDT registered trainer/behaviourist and ask his opinion. If the trainer says no and/or there is no improvement by the time baby is due the dog goes?

FWIW the trainer will most likely agree with everyone on here that it should be in a home with small children, but at least this way your OH will believe you have tried your best.

Your OH is in complete denial about the dog if he claims it didn't go for your dad when other people saw it! I'm so glad he has agreed the dog must go. He'll get over it.

i think it's coming out alot worse than it is (not the dog situation, that is crap through and through)
I guess the hormones of a pregnant lady mixed with doing the 3 most stressful things you can do all in one year is taking it's toll.

because there are alot of things he does for me, he puts up with me for a start.
i got so upset the other day about the dog that I smashed a cup on the floor and sent a splinter of ceramic into the expensive flat screen tv!
oh the wrath of a pregnant woman.

I'm sorry to have rambled on for two whole pages ladies.

xx

shiny and new... we tried that. he passed with flying colours. unfortunately it didn't involve and assessment of letting him go up to flapping, crying, colicky two month old child....
that;s the problem.

a behaviourist could tell me he's cured - but how do they know that? they don't... i'm not taking anything away from the work they do - they are fab, i do believe that.
But noone could say anything to me to make me say "okay, i'll take that risk...it might be tomorrow, in ten years or never that he bites"....but would you? would any mother?

I haven't touched a drop of alcohol, prescription drugs, liver, soft cheese, raw egg since march.
He doesn't let me walk near the road or carry my own handbag if it's too heavy and he makes me do my pelvic floors religiously......

but then askes me to raise a child with a dangerous dog....

redd, do you have any sympathetic family nearby?

You sound like you need a shoulder to cry on, and to remind you what you're worth.

I have no idea what your DH is like, but you're putting yourself in a hell of a vulnerable position for him.

It sounds like it's time to just focus on yourself and your own needs for now, and to have people around who will enable you to do that.

I'm as pregnant as you, and am coping badly with a far less stressful situation.

TBH I didn't want to say this but I've just read through the whole thread now, I've been watching a lot of The Dog Whisperer lately and although I'm more of a cat person I am starting to understand dogs more than I used to, but there is so much tension going on here that this dog is picking up on I would move it out a.s.a.p before it bites anyone else.

You've done your best, you both need to focus on your baby.

We have a house cat (had a very bad start in life, vet said don't bother etc, she's v nervous which is why she is a house cat) she is v loving but because she is particularly close to me bringing home our 1st baby we were so careful, and still are (now have another baby) they are never alone together.

The only thing that will work for you is that the dog goes. Good luck, hope things improve

seashore, that eejit from The Dog Whisperer knows nothing about dogs. I am sure he would be very good at training wolves. But his techniques are outdated and dangerous.

How/why is the dog biting people? Did you tell the trainer he was agressive?

Would I have children and and an aggressive dog? yes, my dog has nervous aggression. And has growled and snapped at all of the family at some point or another. We are working with him to build his confidence and have trained the children well. He hasn't snapped at anyone for months now.

boodoobedoo,....luckily i do, just the other side of town. I tend to go there at the moment when i feel myself get to tense or upset and as soon as I'm out the house I feel better.
It's not being away from my OH its being out the house, and I think that's one of the fundamental problems. ALthough this is his house legally, it was theirs. and everynight I sleep in what was her bed.
we having been waiting to move for 6 months and tomorrow we sign contracts so I am hoping desparately that once we move, i can leave alot of my tears in this house.

I;ve had two weeks off work (i'm police) as I had a uti and because my doc took one look at me and said you need rest.
I go back on monday and I feel worse that I did two weeks ago.
I have no idea how I am going to manage til dec

I suppose the difference there, Shiny, is that you have chosen to have that dog.

The OP didn't.

shiny and new....I completely envy your situation. Please don't think that I am saying it can never work. I know itt can and I know it takes work and dedication.
THe trainer knew he was aggressive, we don't know his background - only that he was mistreated, possibly by children.
He bites out of fear I suppose and possession and territory but it follows no pattern which makes it impossible to predict or control.
He hasn't bitten me for 2 years and i don;t think he would. But i went through the iniation process....

I know that I can't live with the threat or possibility. I know that is my failing but my love for my unborn child far exceeds any love I will ever have for any animal, mine or anyone elses.
If there was no child, I wouldn't question it. I would live with it because I love my OH.

My baby, our baby is too precious for me to risk or indeed for me to spend the next 10 years worrying if or when he'll turn.

And I know, he'd never let anyone near the baby. That's enough of a problem in itself.
I want our families to be able to hold their grandchild without fear of the dog.

But I do understand your point of view and I appreciate your comments, thank youxx

Hope your move goes smoothly then.

If OH is very angry with you, perhaps it would be worth considering moving out for a couple of nights for a break.

You sound like you need looking after to me.

Yes the dog whisperer is more likly to create a dog that bites due to the rough and cruel treatment of the dogs.
The Dog Listener is the best by far, she does what she says on the tin and Listens to the dogs boby language, find the probleem and cure it by talking to the dog in doggy talk. Much happier and convident dogs all round.
This dog though has deep seated problems that will never go away.
If you cannot trust a dog around a strangers child then why oh why would you trst it with your own?

boo...I asked my OH today how he wanted me to be...whether he wanted me to talk to him or to leave him be, I said I wanted to not hurt him anymore and i just needed to know what I needed to do to make it bearable.

His answer was "there's only one thing I want you to do and you wont (keep the dog)"

I said I couldn't do that and did he want me to not be here. He said it didn't matter either way..."

That hurt, I know he didn't mean it as it sounded - what he meant was it wouldn't change the dog situation. BUt to hear him say it woulnd't make a difference if me and his little bump were here still stung.

He hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me before work.

I don't want to go because when I first asked him to get rid of the dog he said "but then when you leave me i'll have nothin"

I told him that was ridiculous as I'm not leaving him and I'm not risking our child because of an insecurity. BUt if i go, that'll just cement his fears and make him think that the dog really is the only thing he has.

I can't win.....