Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

refusing 2nd hand baby things from friends

35 replies

MoJangles · 08/09/2010 13:51

This is a really nice problem to have but I'm feeling awkward about it and don't want to upset anyone -advice please!

Am 29 weeks and have lots of friends who are ahead of me in the procreation stakes, meaning I've had lots of offers of hand-down baby things. Their generosity has meant I havent had to buy a cot, crib, sling, steriliser, bouncy chair or changing table, and have a supply of baby clothes and towels.

But I'm becoming a bit swamped by offers - eg, 4 car seats - and need to start saying no to things I don't need. Not sure how to do this without causing offence, especially since I really am grateful for the support and generosity, and know people probably see some of their special baby items as family heirlooms that shouldn't be sniffed at.

Anyone else managed to deal with this with grace?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jabberwocky · 08/09/2010 13:53

If it's something you already have just thank them for the offer and explain you don't need a duplicate. If it's something you just don't want, errrr, maybe fib and say the same thing

mummynoseynora · 08/09/2010 13:55

yeah I would just say thanks very much thats really kind of you but I already have one sorted :)

simples

smokeybacon · 08/09/2010 13:57

I'm sure no one would be offended if you said no and explained it was because you already had the item. People are prob desperate to get rid of stuff and create space rather than seeing their items as "special" unless its an antique crib or something.

YunoYurbubson · 08/09/2010 13:57

"That's such a lovely offer, but Gwendolyn has already promised me a carseat so we're sorted. Thanks for thinking of us though!"

slimyak · 08/09/2010 14:06

Be honest, if you're getting swamped just let people know you have everything you need, except for a few special things you'd like to buy yourself. People are trying to be helpful and get rid of useful stuff they no longer need so are unlikely to be offended. Thanks but no thanks shouldn't offend.

If you still have things you'd like and are happy with second hand there no harm in asking if it's in a offer - e.g. cot sheets/blankets. People would rather be helpful to those they know before handing things over to a charity shop.

Dinghy · 08/09/2010 14:07

yyy to fibbing

"We've had an offer of one from dh's [family member]/my mum wants to buy us a new one/we already bought one because it was on sale/ aren't you kind, what a really lovely offer, and yours is a lovely one too, I've always liked it tbh but thank you so much for thinking of our baby."

And make sure you know when people want stuff back, or they're passing it on to you permanently.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 08/09/2010 14:16

I'll take any spare slings off your hands, I am totally overwhelmed with the choice available on that one, and my friends aren't nearly lentil weavey enough, they keep telling me I need a pram.

But seriously, I think people would much rather a "thanks so much but we have one" response than give you something you don't want and won't use. Then they can pass it on to someone who does need it.

Original poster

MoJangles · 08/09/2010 14:24

Thanks for cutting through the cr@p here ladies - I can see I've built this up into too much of a sensitive issue! I will use your lines with enthusiam.

MyThumbs - no spare slings alas but I can do you any number of carseats and swaddling blankets!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2010 14:38

Oh gawd. This is exactly the kind of 'mummy problem' I would have laughed in the face of a few months ago but now I can totally relate.

My SIL offered us her moses basket which is 12 years old. I didn't know what to say on the spur of the moment so I said that would be lovely thanks. Then my very dear MIL cleaned all the linens on it and bought a new mattress for it and brought it round.

And I really don't like it.
Aaargh! Now we're having to come up with all kinds of schemes worthy of a bad sitcom in which we pretend to use the old moses basket when MIL comes round etc.

Also my very dear other SIL has offered us 'bags and bags of clothes' which is so very kind of her but I don't know where we will keep them or if we're expected to keep them in good nick in case she has another baby... etc etc.

I just think that saying no to stuff does have the potential to come across as 'my baby is going to get better stuff than your baby, thanks' which could cause offence.

It's a minefield.

misdee · 08/09/2010 14:41

lol. i am hopiong people offer me blankets. i did a pram/crib blanket cull after dd4 and now have none for dc5

Dinghy · 08/09/2010 14:46

MorrisZapp if this is your first baby why don't you say 'we're buying most stuff new, so we'll have it already if/when we have another baby'

Re;moses basket - real one upstairs, SIL's one downstairs? On the plus side, you don't use moses baskets for very long so hopefully the problem will solve itself. And have some excuses ready for future grotty offers!

My friend's best friend worked at Marks and Spencer, and so she got a good discount, which she made free use of for my mate. Invent someone who works at Mothercare/John Lewis/Argos and say they're getting you cheap deals!

PinkElephant73 · 08/09/2010 14:49

MorrisZapp The baby will grow out of the Moses basket in a few months so dont worry. You could always put it upstairs and say to MIL you only use it at night (if you have another basket or carrycot for daytime naps downstairs).

My SIL gave me loads of clothes that were in a right state once her kids had finished with them. I thanked her politely and then put them out with the textiles recycling straight away.
She also gave me a double buggy that was mouldy! As it had been in her cellar. Luckily, it did not fit in our car and was too heavy to push so that went to the tip.

PinkElephant73 · 08/09/2010 14:50

Dinghy x-posted, great minds!

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2010 15:07

Thanks guys! We live in a flat but maybe I could have 'one on the bedroom, one in the living room' or whatever.

I have definitely learned from this, and will have a raft of handy excuses when the next offer rolls around.

The thing is, for me and DP (both aged 38, decent jobs) we're hardly struggling youngsters, and dare I say I actually want to buy/ pay for lots of lovely new stuff for our baby. I know people are so kind and I do appreciate it, but I'm not sure I even want sacks and sacks of hand me downs.

This is going to be our 'first and only' and we both enjoy shopping so tbh I'd rather we go mad in John Lewis and choose it all ourselves. Precious? Us? Give me a hell yeah :)

clarabellarocks · 08/09/2010 15:12

To be honest, as someone who has had one and is expecting her second - yes people want to help you out but they also want rid of their baby stuff to a good home! You collect so much stuff when you have a baby and if you have finished having them people just want to make some space. Or if like me, when you had grown out of stuff for number one you were delighted to lend it to somebody else so you had space.

Just tell them you have something sorted but I don't think they'll see stuff as family heirlooms - just something taking up space!

Dinghy · 08/09/2010 15:13

I think wanting brand new stuff for a first/only baby is natural and many many people will feel the same way.

you could also hint that you feel that as you can afford to, you SHOULD buy, but perhaps the person offering you hand-me-downs could give them to the nearest women's refuge/chidlren's charity, for people who are in desperate need,but can't afford? In other words, guilt them! But everyone wins in that scenario don't they?

BorisTheBold · 08/09/2010 15:14

Don't suppose you're in Hampshire are you...? I could do with a spare car seat .

potplant · 08/09/2010 15:16

I think sometimes people are just desperate to get rid of stuff so newly PG you become a bit of a dumping ground. Some baby stuff is barely used so its nice to see it go to a good home.

RE: car seats - you might need more than one, one for DH's car, one for yours. It makes life a lot easier if you don't have to keep carting them round everywhere.

I would echo the advice about asking if it is something they will want back. I am still a bit annoyed at my cousin passing on something I lent to her. I specifically told her to give it back when she had finished with it so I could sell it and she gave it to her friend.

japhrimel · 08/09/2010 16:31

I think that if people offer stuff, they shouldn't rely on you hanging on to it in order to give it back - unless they definitely offer something "on loan" in which case you should be able to give it back if you don't like it!

Baby clothes and bits I don't want, but am getting second hand from friends in bundles, I'm donating to our local NCT Working Bumps group to sell at Nearly New sales (assuming it's in ok condition!) in aid of the group. So that's one way of getting rid of extras.

Original poster

MoJangles · 08/09/2010 18:11

I've also been feeling a bit sad/guilty that our first and much wanted DC isn't getting everything new (yes I know, like he'll care!) so will get a selection of new things and use the hand-me-down clothes and blankets for midnight chunder emergencies, at least until he's been sick on everything to the same degree!

Stocking up lots of useful lines here. I wonder if it's overkill to have a car seat for each of mine and DH's cars and one for the PILs!

OP posts:

1Catherine1 · 08/09/2010 19:05

Is it wrong for me to be completely jealous of the lot of you?

I'm 25 and having my first baby. Everyone I know seems to be on track with me and also currently pregnant or completely childless. This child is going to be the first grandchild in both mine and my DP family and the last child born into either family was 19 years ago. I'm dying for generosity from either friends or family since I have no idea how I'm going to afford it all if I have to buy every single bit.

MorrisZapp - I think its safe to assume people who are offering you this stuff probably know how daunting it is when you're in my position and just want to offer support. They're not going to be offended you say no, just happy to know that you're sorted.

colditz · 08/09/2010 19:09

"We've actually got one now, but thank you so much for your kind offer!"

You can say no whilst still being grateful.

sailorsgal · 08/09/2010 19:12

1Catherine1, find out if there are any baby sales near you. NCT do them nationally so check out their website. It is possible to get things cheaply and in good condition.

colditz · 08/09/2010 19:13

1catherine1 - go to ccharity shops and you will also completely kits yourself out at a car boot sale for about £80.

MiniMarmite · 08/09/2010 19:13

By the way, you need an ongoing solution for this one - it won't stop once the baby arrives - people will see you as a recycling facility be kind enough to keep offering you things on an ongoing basis.

Flip

1 2