Boyfriend/pregnancy issues

[lolalo]

Hi

I originally posted on Friday about finding out I'm pregnant, and the fact my boyfriend doesn't want it.

I told him last night that I definitely want to keep the baby. He didn't speak to me all night, and this morning said he couldn't even look at me as he was so angry.

I tried to get him to talk about what we're going to do next, but he said I may as well leave as he won't speak to me. I ended up slamming the door VERY hard

I text him and told him I wanted us to stay together, but he needed to make a decision about how involved he wants to be, as this is happening. he text back saying he thinks my decision is "selfish & stupid" and hopefully in a few weeks I'll "see sense" but for now he thinks we should take a break.

I just don't know what to do, I've had to come home and pretend everything is fine to my parents, as I haven't told them about any of this yet. I'm thinking of writing him an email to explain why I want to keep the baby, as I don't think he understands.

Sorry, just needed to get that out and at the moment I don't really have anyone IRL to speak to.

I think you need to prepare to become a single mum.

He wasn't happy when you told him. He isn't happy now you've decided to have the baby - in fact, he has dumped you. He has made his feeling on this really really clear. Writing him an email isn't going to change his mind.

I think you need to walk away from him now. Start making preparations to have your baby - tell someone supportive. Think about where you are going to live. Go the GP and get the wheels in motion for maternity care. At some point you will need to have a conversation with him about money and access, but you don;t have to worry about that now.

Best of luck xxxx You will be fine. There are millions of single mums out there doing an amazing job, you'll be one of them.

Hi I really feel for you here. I was in the exact situation as you 7 months ago, I kept the baby and am now 8 months pregnant.

My advice would be to do what YOU want with regards to the pregnancy. You say you want to keep this baby, and he has absolutely no right to tell you that you shouldn't. If he were to force you to have an abortion you weren't happy with that would be extremely harmful to you.

He is a real bastard for trying to force you like this. I know its only natural that you want to stay with him, but I would say be aware that he may not come round if he is behaving like this. Also sounds like you would be well rid of him with the amount of consideration he is showing.

You are strong and can do this on your own. A baby is for life, whereas he probably isn't. You will have so much love from your child.

I stuck it out when this happened to me, naively hoping he would come round. He didn't, but I am so happy that I didn't let him force me into an abortion.

It is difficult but you can do it. I wish you all the best xx

How dare he call you selfish! Asking you to abort your child is about as selfish as it comes! I'm sure it's not this easy, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who has this attitude! He sounds awful. This is his child he is talking about and abortion Is not a contraception option... If he feels so strongly about not having a child he should have been responsible enough to have ensure he didn't get you pregnant in the first place. It will be hard on your own but you will be a much better mummy without him making you feel bad about yourself. Good luck... And congratulations!

Hi girls

I agree, it's just so difficult to think that he won't be different and come round, I suppose everyone always thinks that though!

I'm okay at the moment but I know it's going to hit me and it's going to hurt - especially when he finds someone else.

I know I have to stay strong, and I really need to have a chat with someone IRL about it before I tell my parents just so it's off my chest.

Hi Lolalo,

I just want to say that I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the strength you need at the moment.

x

Good luck, I hope you have some supportive friends. You will need all the support you can get. I have found friends great and its amazing what a difference they can make.

I know you aren't thinking about it right now but there are plenty of other men out there too, ones who aren't so immature. You don't need him.

Xx

thank you Pip,

splashy- just finding it difficult as I still have feelings for him and if I could would want his support!hopefully my friends will be supportive, quite a few have recently had children themselves, so hopefully they should be able to help me adjust! xx

Hi!

In terms of what you can do, writing him an email sounds good, as face to face communication between the two of you seems to have broken down. When my dp and i were arguing about the same thing, (he called me selfish too, and doors were slammed!) we communicated via email, and it really helped.

However, you may find that his side of the argument is something you just have to accept. There will be much less money, less socialising, your entire lives will change. It may be that he can't accept that.

FYI I also found counselling helpful, both alone and with dp. If you're under 25 brook are great! Having a mediator keeps things civil, and they've seen it all before.

Lastly, it may be that he is simply terrified. My dp said a lot of things he didn't mean through fear. He may come round, but be ready to take this on by yourself - it can be done!

How long have you two been together, and how old are you both? Apologies if that question is too intrusive.

hello,

lolalo,

that is disgraceful behaviour from your partner!!
im almost in a similar situation and its been 3 months of being ingored or shouted at. I was so upset at his anger towards me i sent an email a few weeks after telling him the news and i wrote why it was important for me to keep the baby, how i felt about him,--everything really. he read it and apologised and that night we started talking but in the middle of this important conversation his mate rang, he put his coat on straight away and F**ked off to the pub came home about 3am!! i was so devastated.
and after that he carried on being rude,crude,inconsiderate,insensitive and i have cried every night for the last 3 months over him!
oh and i have been seriously ill for the last 2 months with hyperemesis and god knows how i got through that alone!!
i dont want to split up because we were actually happy before this happened and he always talked of having kids!
im still trying to get through to him but he either shuts himself in his room or goes to the pub or mates.none of them know.

i think if you can, definately write the email and talk to his freinds.
and then try and talk to him...this what im starting to do.and send him some texts.

then take it from there...i know its scary..im terrified too of the worst case scenario but you cant say you never tried for you the baby and for your relationship.
good luck

Tbh I think there's a point where you can't accept being treated badly anymore.

When dp got angry and started being, well, nasty, I always said, "I have never asked you to stay, or forced you to be here, and I won't allow you to blame me now that you have decided to be a dad and do this with me."

Be willing to be tough with him - I wasn't at first and ended up in a very bad way. You may be pregnant with a child he doesn't want (or more realistically is scared of!) but that doesn't negate your right to be treated well.

And if all else fails make a thread in mums net and show him people's reactions. Worked with my dp!

P.s. Congratulations, lolalo, I remember your previous thread and am so glad you have confronted your bf about his.

Hi Maraih

thank you- to be honest the way he is talking I don't think he will ever come round, and that's just what I'll have to come to terms with.

I've tried to explain how I feel about the baby, but the thing is he doesn't see it as one yet.

he's has even begged me to make the "right decision for both our sakes"... and has said that if I did decide to terminate he would still be here and we would "get through it".

I think he's obviously just saying that to try to convince me, but at the moment I'm actually starting to become really angry towards him.

and breathe!

I have been right were you are 8 years ago.
I was with my BF for a long time and then fell pg with DD anyway he didnt reply to any of my calls or txt and then when he did call me I was 12 weeks and the last thing he said was 'have you got rid of it yet?' needless to say it bloody hurt and I knew I was going to be a single mum from then on.

Thankfully now I have a lovely DD who is 8 next month and I met my DP when she was 3 and he has took her on as his own and we are due to have a boy in 10 weeks.

Needless to say it will be hard at times, I wont lie but you will have a lovely baby to love and will love you back and in time you will find someone new, the are good guys out there just takes time to find them x

he's probably just worried about the money he will have to fork out, hence the reason he is trying to get you to abort the baby. Dont trust him, he has proved what he is really like. Best you can do is move on forwards on your own. You will be stong and love this baby so much - you wont regret keeping it. You'll find a wonderful man who will accept the two of you, and treat you like you desrve.

Congratulations

but what if I don't?

this is not how I imagined my life would be, and I just feel guilty for bringing this on everyone...

Even though I know what he is saying is wrong and awful, I still have feelings for him and it's hard for me not to pay attention to that. it's all made me so confused and I've spent the past hour crying.

I have a consultation at Marie Stopes on the 10th, and he's said we should take a break until then. I want to speak to him already, and I doubt he even cares.

this is all such a mess.

lolalo ... no-one's life turns out how they imagined it would. How have you brought this on everyone? Last time I checked it took two.

Sounds as if he wants to frighten you into submission with this temporary break ... only you can decide whether the chance of staying with him is worth having an abortion for. I think I'd be running for cover regardless of what I decided re the pregnancy ... judging by his treatment of you he doesn't come over as much of a catch.

hi

sorry, I really am all over the place - I agree that I should split up with him permanently, this has just shown the type of person he is, and he is not someone I want to be with. Truth is that's easier said than done when we have been together for nearly two years.

Thing is he's now also someone who I wouldn't want to have a child with. I'm so confused right now.

He's making me feel like I can solve everything if I just have a termination, I don't want to bring any stress or pain to anyone and I just don't know what to do.

I have read how painful it can be, and besides that I just don't now if emotionally I would be able to cope with it.

He's managed to weaken my resolve and have me questioning what the right thing to do is.

dont feel guilty. A child is a blessing, as you will see in time. You are bound to be upset and hurt by this man, but thank god you found out what he is like now. If he cant step up to the mark then he doesnt deserve you.

I know it doesnt seem like it now, but you will get over this.

hi babe x do what you want to do, dont listen to him, he needs to grow up, as you have said, my conclusion is he is not worth it, i was a single mum, for years, had family support, thought i never meet my prince, i met him 3 yrs ago and am now 36wks gone, with our first,x so please think, and get rid of this jerk,the right one will come along, and dont think cos you have a baby no one will want you, your wrong there is someone out there for you xx good luck, tell him where to go,you are worth more than that xx

Hi lucy and whirleywoo

thank you, it all just seems so hard atm, I still really care about him and I don't want to hurt him, but I couldn't bear to hurt myself or the baby either.

I just don't know what to do next to be honest.

You didn't conceive this alone and so have nothing to feel guilty about. He is entitled to his feelings and entitled to express what he thinks you should do, this does affect him too. However he sounds like a selfish child and maybe you would be better off without him.

I had a termination because I thought it would make someone love me and have regretted it ever since.

What you should do next is nothing.

I'm presuming you have only known about the pregnancy a short time - everything is bound to make no sense (to either of you) at this time.

So take some time to just calm down and not panic.

My story is a little different in that I wasn't in a relationship when I conceived (although he wasn't a stranger). I pretty much knew I wanted to go ahead - he was horrified and wanted me to have an abortion. He wouldn't even consider any alternative.

Well since then he has come round a bit, he came to the anomaly scan this week and has kept in touch by phone.

What I'm trying to say is that it's early days. He might be bullying you into a termination now, but when the dust settles and you are still determined to have the baby, well, he might man up a bit. Of course he may not. But you will be alright whatever happens.

I think you need to make the decision for yourself.

Even if he were totally behind the pregnancy, even if you were married, no one can guarantee what is around the corner. At any point we all could end up as single mums. I know of married couples who tried for years to have a baby and then split up before the baby was one. No one definitely knows what is going to happen to a relationship, ever.

Hi Posie

thanks for your post

I wouldn't have the termination to make him love me - it's gone too far for that and I don't think I would want him back anyway. The thing that worries me is the kind of life the child will have. My family and myself have a history of depression, as well as his family, and I'm worried bout the environment the child will grow up in with all of this going on.

paigeturner - thank for your post. all i want is for him to support me, i feel like i'm on my own with this :(

hi lolalo
feeling really sorry for u at this time men they trouble my sons dad left when he was 3 weeks old wasnt there for me dueing the pregnancy out getting drunk when i had my son so i brought him up on my own for the first four years i still loved him though he treated me like shit but still wanted him mad aint it they walk all over u but at the end of the day u still want them ...i even took my son to ireland when he was 5 weeks old to try and get him back looking back now how crazy i was.. but love does crazy things to u ... i soon got over him and so glad i had my son he made me grow up and with out him i think my life would have been a mess was 18 and doing things i shouldnt had been doing my son was the making of me dont get me wrong its hard work on ure own but worth it seeing him now his 14 and how well he doin am such a proud mama still aint seen his dad but we dont need him its his lost lol i wish u luck and if u every wanna chat am allways on here ..

Lolalo, he really sounds like he is bullying you into thinking about having a termination. My dp never had any intention of leaving me if I kept our baby, apparently, but didn't let me know that until i told him i was keeping it, definitely, absolutely.

At this point he will say pretty much anything to get you to abort. Don't do it for him or anyone else. Part of having the opportunity to abort a child is also having the opportunity to consider it, and say no.

If you abort, because of his pressure, do you think that your relationship will be the same, and that you can forgive him and love him like you do now?

I was also worried about my family and his family, both of whom have their, ahem, flaws. I would encourage you to talk to your family about the situation - it can be surprising how families rally round in support of their children, and at least then you will know how much they are able to support you.