Scared of becoming a parent

[KnockedUpMell]

I am now 7 weeks pregnant, and have gone from being absolutely ecstatic and overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant to being terrified about all the changes that will come about. It doesn't help that my bf has a lot of reservations about continuing the pregnancy and feels this isn't the right time (he's just started a new job, and we were hoping to spend a couple of years living together first, and get married etc, before thinking about babies). It was a complete shock as we were using contraception. I'm going to be 30 soon (he's 34), and really confused! Part of me is really happy about this, and thinks maybe it was fate, and can't wait to see what our little baby is going to look like, and part of me is wondering that maybe the bf is right, and we should spend a couple of years just enjoying our freedom a little more and then think about the baby...I think I would regret having a termination (which is what he is keen on), but at the same time the thought of all these changes if we continued the pregnancy terrifies me! The bf says he will support me even if I decide to continue the pregnancy so I won't be going it alone. Any advice??

It's normal to be scared even if the pregnancy is planned. I spent half of last night panicking about how we're going to cope and we were trying for this baby for 15 months!

A termination is not an easy option and may well be something that you and your relationship couldn't get over.

Do also take into account that 1, this pregnancy might not be sucessful anyway, and 2, it can take some time to get pregnant when you're trying (especially if you do have miscarriages. which are very very common) and the odds of getting pregnant each month go down as you get older. So if you weren't pregnant now and waited 2 years to start trying, it could easily take a couple more years after that before you had a baby. At least like this, if everything goes well, you'll miss out on the stress of trying to conceive!

As you two would probably like to have a family together anyway, maybe just try to see it as an unexpected gift?

Our DS was very much planned and wanted, but honestly; after the initial 'Oh my God, I'm pregnant!' thing wore of, DH and I utterly shat it. DH later admitted that he couldn't see the positives and was really worried and down about it for about 2 weeks. He and I were mostly really scared about how things were going to change and how we would deal with it.

It doens't help when you tell people and they're like 'oh, enjoy your sleep because you won't be getting ANY EVER AGAIN!' It's like people enjoy giving you the negatives. But my boss was lovely. When I told him, he said 'Oh how wonderful, I'm so happy for you. It'll enrich your lives so much.' I smiled politely and went to leave, but he said 'don't believe people who tell you it stops you from doing anything. Last year my wife and I took a sabbataical (sp) and went touring round India. We strapped our baby daughter to our backs and she loved it. By the time she got home, she was speaking words in Hindi and English and it was the best thing we ever did'. I have no idea why, but I felt like a weight got lifted off my shoulders. And it's true. A baby doesn't stop you doing anything.

It's good to be a bit scared. It shows you want to be a good parent. Give it a couple of weeks, but from your OP; I don't think you want a termination. If you did, you would've dashed off to the nearest clinic the second you got that BFP. xx

I completely agree with JazzieJeff - it won't mean your life has ended.

It may take a bit more planning to do things, but my 2yo DS has been on a plane more times than I had by the time I got to 18!

I think you need to sit down with your BF and have a really good, honest chat.

I think if you had a termination, you would always regret it, and as someone said above, your relationship may never recover.

I had a termination after being raped, and although I could never have gone through with the pregnancy, I still think about that little life that could have been. I had a lot of counselling afterwards, yet still suffered depression.

My DH and I always wanted a child eventually, but our DS was unplanned and just came along a little earlier in our plan I could never imagine being without him now - he is a little treasure.

Also, we have some friends who always put off having children until after their holiday/next year/when they got a pay rise etc.

They are now really struggling to conceive.

I think they imagined that when the time came they would just fall pregnant straight away. It's not always that easy .

Do you mind me asking how long you and your BF have been together?

we've been together 2 years, and have been talking about moving in together and getting married in the near future... and then this bombshell hit us! We're both certain about our relationship, so I have no doubts that it's him I would want to spend my life with and have kids with. He knows that I'll find it difficult to have a termination, and that it may affect the relationship badly, and that is why he has agreed to continue with the pregnancy. But I feel guilty about 'forcing' him to become a parent when he is not ready for it. I think a lot of his fears are the same ones I have (about how much our lives will change and that we wouldn't have had some time where it was just the two of us living together), but I still feel that these reasons aren't strong enough to have a termination. From what you have all said, I think these fears I have will still be there even if we were to wait another 2 years! It would just be a lot easier if he was happy about the pregnancy too.

I think it takes men longer to come round to a pregnancy whatever, partly because they can't feel the physical changes so it remains an abstract concept to them for a lot longer. My DH really wants this baby, but he only started getting positive & excited after the scans and since he's been able to feel her kick, it's meant more to him.

Give your OH time. I bet that by the time you've seen your LO wriggling around on a screen, he'll feel differently.

Pioneer I'm so sorry for you

KnockedUpMell (love the name by the way) I think you will both probably come round to the idea to be honest. I'm 32, currently 13+4 with a 'surprise' pregnancy (sort of planning it for next year but hey ho, it happened now), and although I am a bit of a control freak and was a bit surprised that this had happened outside of my 'schedule', in reality, I have stopped worrying about all the stuff that you are probably worrying abotu. For me it was skiing holidays and dinner parties, but we've both realised that we will still do the things we love, just differently, and now I am thinking about Feb as what something new and exciting happens/arrives rather than when something (our young and fun life) stops.

I also think you are right in your second post that you would probably have these feelings if this happened in a couple of years too, and I think it's just part of getting your head round becoming a parent.

Also, please consider that this has happened naturally and without any planning and stress, and perhaps if you were to terminate, you might have a very different experience when you did decide you were ready. I really feel from your posts like you really don't like the idea of terminating, so trust that instinct. I totally believe in a woman's right to choose, but it doesn't mean it's not OK to make the other choice.

You're going to be doing things differently than you planned, but it doesn't make it better/worse/right/wrong, it just is.

And I really don't think you're forcing him to become a parent. In all honesty, at your/our age, if you're having sex then you kind of accept that even with contraception, there is always a risk that this might happen, and be ready/willing to take responsibility if it does. Termination is by no means an easy option and it really sounds like you both know that and don't really think it's the best decision.

D

Also re pioneer's friends, we were kind of thinking...after we have cleared the credit card/after next ski holiday/after this that or the other, but actually, the 'perfect' time is knid of elusive for a lot of people. Who were we kidding? Clearing the credit card, to presumably rack it up again anyway with baby stuff? I don't really remember why that seemed important!

In retrospect (well as much retrospect as you can have when only 13 weeks) I am actually really glad this happened this way without the 'right now we are trying' thing as I would have felt stressed about that and expecting my body to perform and might have felt I had been silly that I had wasted all those months/years of fertility for actually no 'real' reason.

D

You know, before finding out I was pregnant, I never thought I would ever be scared of becoming a parent. As silly as it sounds, I never realised what a HUGE change it would bring! There's so much we're going to have to learn, not just for when the baby comes home, but later on when we have to worry about schools and all that other stuff too! It really helps to know that everyone else has days when they freak out too. I had gone to the GP yesterday to find out about booking the pregnancy etc, and I think I got really freaked out after that, and it became more real. I know it's early days yet, and I'm hoping things go well... You guys are right, I don't really want a termination, and would do it really because of his reservations, and I think it will be something i'll regret. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll come round and that he'll be thrilled eventually when he's holding his baby in his arms.

knockedupmell I'm sure he will change his mind. DH was really quiet and reserved for a while after we got over the intitial 'OMG!' stage. So was I. Anyone who says they never had a second thought is a liar, pure and simple. You shit yourself, and well you should. It's another life at the end of the day, and if you can take that in your stride with no problems at all, you're a better woman than I!

I think its because, when you think about it... you can get out of everything else in life, can't you? No matter how bad. If you commit a crime, you'll go to jail, do your time and then come out again and start over afresh. If you go bankrupt, you can sort that out too and after 5 years, you get a clean slate. If you marry the wrong person, hell you can get a quickie divorce. (I'm not saying any of these things are OK, I'm just saying it's true!). A baby though, well that's different isn't it? What are you going to do, ask them to put it back where it came from? A baby is one doodle that can't be undid.

But look at all the people who go back for round two, and go on to have second, third or even fourth (or more!) children. It must be such a lovely experience on the whole that they want to do it again. That's the way I look at it.

At the moment, you're looking at everything that you're going to have to deal with, which is scary. But you're not going to have to give birth until next year. That's a long time away! You've got loads of time to gather your thoughts and get used to the idea, and another 3 years before you need to start worrying about primary schools!

When you were 18 and first left home, you didn't look at the next five or ten years of your life like that, did you? You didn't think, right; I've got to pass my A levels, get into uni, complete a course, find somewhere to live, juggle it with a job, get a car, pass the uni course, get a decent job, find a nice man, get a decent lifestyle, buy a house... If you did that, you probably would've curled up into a little ball, whimpering and shaking gently. So why are you worrying about it all in a one-er with this baby? How is it different?
xx

JazzieJeff, you are so right! It's about taking it one step at a time, and I'm working myself into a panic when I don't need to... Big fat hug for you for talking some sense into me!

I think JazzieJeff speaks a lot of sense. Pregnancy is nine months and there are lots of obviously highly scientific medical reasons for this, but for a lot of people it's also the time they need to prepare themselves for a baby. I know early on I was kind of amused by the idea that I am on this road now and there is no 'pause' button whilst I can sit and think about it for a bit, but the thing is, there is actually a lot of time for that really, and you know early on so I am really sure that by the time you are approaching your due date, you will (both) be as 'invested' in this as every other expectant parent.

Do your friends have kids? I sometimes think this helps. We spend a lot of time with our friends and their kids, and it helps to reinforce the idea that you can still have fun and do stuff with them, it's just different (and most people say in lots of ways better) and that sometimes you can (shock horror) get a babysitter and still go out to a glam restaurant or whatever.

D

Aw shucks you guys

knockedupmell I'm just glad I could help you in some way. I remember feeling exactly the same way a few months back... exactly the same. Some days, I collapsed into an incompetant heap sobbing to DH that there was just no way I could do this, and that our DS would be far better off with another family, and could he look into adoption on the internet? It's a horrible thing for me to have said, but it's true.

The way I summarised it was this. As a first time Mum, I think it's harder because you're trying to imagine what it's going to be like loving a baby. You worry that you won't know how to, and as a result; the baby will suffer. But of course you don't know how to love a baby; you've never had one! I think you also worry that there's not enough room in your life for two big loves. Because, when you first struck out with your DH/DP, you pretty much ditched your parents by the wayside, didn't you? Because you didn't need them anymore. Now you worry that because there's a baby on the way, there's no way you'll be able to love it and your partner at the same time; your partner is just going to have to suffer, and shove on out the way, isn't he? Therefore your relationship will suffer and you'll all end up miserable. Well, no actually. I don't know how, but it doesn't If people were going to have difficulty in their relationships, they would've anyway. A baby doesn't make that happen at all. People who say it does are idiots. Anyway, my point is that you don't know how you're going to cope... of course you don't! You've never done it before, never experienced it before!

And another thing, OP... Some people, I am sure must have that lovely feeling where they 'bond with the bump' almost straight away. Well, I can tell you that I bloody well didn't. I forgot I was pregnant all the time, to the extent that I had to re-order in pubs and bars sometimes when I realised that that socking great glass of wine wouldn't go down awfully well. When I was about 4 months (I didn't show for a looong time) DH and I were chatting away on a Friday night in the kitchen, DH casually reaches down to the cooler unit, pulls out a bottle of wine, uncorks it and pours two glasses of wine and plonks one in front of me. Totally oblivious. We weren't being mean, I would've died if anything had've happened to our baby. I just forgot about him most of the time. I also felt a bit resentful sometimes too. I really sodding well love cheese, pate, alcohol of all kind, having sex in baby-unfriendly positions, sleeping on my tummy, scorching hot summer holidays and take away food from unsavoury establishments. But I couldn't do that. (right now anyway... 8 weeks and counting...) All I'd had as my reward was looking at a 12 week scan. Which was nice, he looked less like a crocodile than at the 8 week one, but still not quite... well, you know.

But one day, I felt him move. Although, if I'm honest I thought it maybe a chronic wind problem for about a week. That was quite nice. It felt like the little chap could maybe understand a bit that there was a world outside, and there were people waiting for him. Then we went for the 20 week scan and he blew me away. The sonographer spent a long time looking over the heart area. I didn't know they did thaat at that particular scan, and I got really scared there was something wrong. I thought to myself 'ah well, if there's something wrong with your heart, then you'll just have to have mine. I've had a pretty good run... wonder if they'd crack on and take my heart and give it to DS if they asked, or if I'd have to top myself first and leave a note stating my wishes...' I actually started pondering the complexities of my suicide in order to give him my heart. Of course he was fine. But I came out of the place a different person, because I realised that I did love him, I wasn't a bad mother (yet. Got plenty of time yet...), and that I would die for him. Happily. DH told me exactly the same had flashed through his mind. We've rubbed along, all three of us very happily ever since xx

Jazzie You just made me well up reading that! Could be the hormones I suppose....

Knockedupmell Listen to Jazzie - she speaks sense. After TTC for 5 frigging years, my first words on seeing the BFP were 'Oh fck' and then as it sank in, I felt complete panic, terror and (I'll admit it) doubt. But as Jazzie said, as the scans came and went, and the movement continues, the love just keeps building up, but nothing prepares you for that initial 'oh fck' moment, whether it lasts a day, a week or a month or more!

I spent 9 months in abject terror. Now he's 3 and I'm doing it again in 6 weeks! DP and I have led much fuller lives since having a child - we have more friends, make more time for one another and family, waste less of our free time and find pleasure in things we'd never even noticed before. And I didn't really want kids! Fear is normal, and probably healthy. In 3 months it will be a wriggling kicker and you'll both be dead excited.

I agree with so much of what has been said. Fear and ambivalence is healthy - those who have no anxieties or fears are, IMO, deluding themselves. it's a huge thing. My bf was totally, rigidly against it "it's not a priority for me" and I was fairly ambivalent. We fought over it for nearly a year - I'm just 40 so ticking clock - and we never really agreed on it. We lamely tried every month while fighting. Then in Feb I had regular fertility tests and the results were BAD. Likelihood of getting pregnant fairly negligable - two days later I conceived and I'm now 23 w + 4 and my bf is totally, unwaveringly excited. Far more than me, but then he doesn't have the hormonal rollercoaster. But men are slooooow about these things. It's totally normal; actually, I always find men who are desperately broody to be far stranger (that's just me, though)

There are still lots of days when I freak, when i think I don't want this, but neither do I not want this - and I've just accepted that this is my journey. I worry all the time about having a healthy baby, about whether my relationship will grow or shrink, about whether I'll be able to find time to write and work, but all change is frightening - this is the biggest. And it's a total loss of control which is never good when you're a control freak .

I agree with JAzziejeff - there are a lot of negative people out there who constantly tell me what a slog I've got to look forward to. But there's been a lot - a lot - of people who've said it's been a total joy. I've never met anyone who regrets it (or admits to it). And to people like my sister who is negative, I just don't engage. That's their experience of motherhood, and yours, like pregnancy will be different and your own.

Good luck!!

x

I did not get the rush of love you are "supposed" to get when I had my 2 ds. I was tired, sore and other than checking they had all their fingers and toes I let dh cuddle them whilst I had a nap!!!

I felt intensely protective of them...almost a primal thing, but the all consuming love took a while....you have to remember that you and your baby will be strangers to each other and will have to take time to build up a relationship and for you to be able to understand his/her needs and respond to them.

Babies need food and love. Thats it. You will be fine. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I want to tell you that it's ok to be scared! And it is ok to keep on being scared.

My DS is 2.10 and I know a bit about parenting a 2 year old but I don't know how to parent a 3,4,5,15,20 year old.

The worst thing is to be having all these normal feelings and the hormones and everything and then thinking that it is not normal.

At least with MN you get behind the "fine thanks" that you get in the real world.

When my DS was about 1 day old and I was in the hospital I started freaking out about looking after him and then about him being a teenager going out drinking .

I realised that I can't control everything - and that's the scariest bit for me.

My tip for first time mums is - don't do more preparation for the birth than you do for the how to look after a baby!

I am reading this book 'What do Mothers Do - especially when it looks lke nothing'. I wish I had had it 3.5 years ago!

Oh knockedupmell! Dc1 was planed but honestly despite this I got very nervous and scared similar to you, and although I bonded with bump early on my husband never really got into the whole thing until our daughter was born truth be told. Until then it just seemed like an abstract concept to him whereas I could feel this little person in me, growing and I realized I would do anything, anything in the whole world for her to keep her safe and well. jazziejeff your story was lovely:)

I wasn't the most maternal person (read nearly least) and I'd never actually changed a nappy until she was born but he love I feel for her now - it takes my breath away. It's fierce like nothing else I could have imagined.

I don't think there's ever a good time to have a child - there's always another promotion, pay rise, a something buti've seen sooooo many people wait and wait until it was too late. Sure, you might have to postpone a couple of dinner parties but I promise you after a few months and a good wind behind you you can do this again and you'll look back on the days before your little one arrived and they'll just seem well a bit empty.

That said, you need to do what's right for you but don't feel pressurized into going down a path you don't want to by anyone.

pioneer so sorry

tabouleh I hadn't gotten as far as worrying about the bump being a teenager and going out drinking- I was stuck at the helping out with school homework bit.. you have opened the door to a whole new set of neuroses for me!

and everyone else, you're right- I simply cannot imagine what it's going to be like, and how our relationship dynamics will change. But I guess if our foundations are strong to begin with, this is simply another opportunity for us to grow stronger as a couple.

It's really good to know I'm not alone, so thanks for all your support! None of my friends are (or have been) pregnant (and I have told very few people because we haven't been able to agree what to do till recently, and now he seems to be coming round to the idea that it wouldn't be such a terrible thing to have a baby).