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Original poster

Domestic violence questioning by midwife - bit unimpressed

40 replies

redpickle · 09/08/2010 10:19

I'm new here so hello!

I had a midwife appoinment last week (community) and the lady I saw was filling in a form, asking all the normal questions and she got to a question about domestic violence and she said

"Any trouble at home? No." (answering her own question and ticking the box before I gave any answer then onto the next question!!

It was one of those things that happens really quickly and you kick yourself for not saying anything at the time. I am lucky enough to be in a safe relationship but what if I wasn't? she was hardly giving me the opportunity to ask for help. She said at the beginning of the appointment that there was a lady in the next room about to deliver any moment (its a birth centre) so she might have to shoot off. This let me know she was disinterested from the outset, but I understand she was busy. Lucky for me she's not my allocated midwife and was just covering, but she will be looking after other women.

Just wondering if I should mention it at my next appointment, or to head-midwife? Just concerned that women in need of help might be treated like this too.

OP posts:

daisystone · 09/08/2010 10:22

Some of the midwives do seem very distracted and I am sure this is due to work levels, but it does leave you feeling uneasy doesn't it?

Maybe you should mention it to your other midwife next time you see her?

Jacksmybaby · 09/08/2010 10:23

It's a very tricky question to have to ask. I imagine some people would be offended at being asked the question at all. Not saying what she did was ideal, just that that's probably the reason why she skipped over the question so quickly and didn't really give you a chance to answer.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/08/2010 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalhamM2B · 09/08/2010 10:36

Wow- definitely tell someone. It's an easy fix to give the midwife in question some quick training, and as they say, if it saves just one woman...

LynetteScavo · 09/08/2010 10:42

I'm most shocked that she was doing two jobs at once. I wouldn't be at all pleased if I were you, or if I were the other woman giving birth in the other room!

sounds like they need to employ more midwives!

slimyak · 09/08/2010 10:43

I don't recall even being asked this time. Last time midwives still did their first visit in the home and I distinctly remember her asking me then and asking DH to leave the room while we went through a few things.

Ditraction maybe, or as others have said a case of training for the midwife even just confidence. It is unlikely that someone would disclose something on first meeting out of the blue, but the door should a least be opened so they know that there is someone to help should they feel they want to talk in the future.

PixieCake · 09/08/2010 10:49

I had exactly the same at my booking appointment. Not the violence question, but she was wizzing down a list saying things like "and you're happy to be pregnant (TICK)" - not asking me, but telling me. When I looked at the form at home it said something like "feelings about being pregnant discussed" and she had ticked 'yes'.

In my case I was happy to be pregnant, but I agree that if I had been unhappy or had some sort of problem then I certainly wasn't given a chance to say.

Lavitabellissima · 09/08/2010 10:51

My midwife took me to another room to weigh me and whilst there asked about domestic violence. I was really shocked but it was done in a nice caring manner and I understand the need for it.

I would mention it to someone, maybe send an email as I agree if you were in a vunerable position she didn't give you any opportunity to discuss it.

2ndDestiny · 09/08/2010 11:18

I feel a bit concerned about this too. I have never been asked about DV at all at any midwife appointment. But when I looked through my notes I saw that the midwife, without consulting me, had put something like, 'N/A' in the 'DV discussed' box! Like you I am in a safe relationship, and I do understand that this is a very sensitive and tricky subject to bring up - but it is there on the list for a reason, i.e. 25% of women experience DV and lots of it starts in pregnancy. I have worked/ done research in this area, which I suppose has made me reflect on it more. I just wander what sort of assumptions the midwife made about me to think this discussion was 'non-applicable'? Is it because I'm middle-class, educated, well-spoken, etc.? (non of which actually means I'm not at risk). And in my case, she did not seem rushed off her feet and did take the time to discuss other things with me... I haven't said anything cause I just don't know how to approach it, but I suspect the guidelines to discuss this are fairly recent and I wander if all midwives have had sufficient training to feel confident raising the subject in an appropriate way and deal with it...? I do think it's important... interested to hear others' views.

Meglet · 09/08/2010 11:21

I was asked and my (now) XP was in the room too. She just subtly showed me the form and said something along the lines of 'is this happening' so I was able to answer.

XP was ok at the time, he just went a bit mental after I had the baby.

daisystone · 09/08/2010 11:26

mine worded it as "any problems at home?"

MmeLindt · 09/08/2010 11:30

Difficult one. There was a thread recently where a pregnant woman had been asked personal questions and was a bit peeved about it, why do they need to know that.

I guess that some midwives do not like that they have to ask questions about their client's private lives, and are not comfortable doing so.

Does anyone know if they have extra training to help a woman who does answer, "Well, yes, actually. My husband beats me" (not saying it is likely but if a client did offer some kind of insight into home problems, would the midwife refer to a counsellor or give advice herself?

NYC40 · 09/08/2010 11:34

I don't think an experienced MW's response is based on just the verbal exchange. There are other considerations. My understanding is that there is a tendency for women who are in a DV situation, do not usually attend the session with the MV alone; the partner, being controlling and threatened, will not typically allow them.

applecharlotte · 09/08/2010 11:37

At my booking appointment last week the midwife asked me if i'd ever been abused by family or friends. Which I assume is the same question but I remember thinking it was quite woolly phrasing!

You should def send an email about it.

breatheslowly · 09/08/2010 12:53

I wasn't asked. I assumed that the MW having met me thought that DH was more at risk than me, as I come across as, um, quite confident. Maybe she did ask in one of the vague ways noted above.

NovemberAli · 09/08/2010 14:30

The midwife I saw at booking in went through this is quite a lot of detail with me, explaining how DV often starts in pregnancy etc and if I ever have any concerns they can address them.

She even showed me how they are supposed to mark on your notes with a symbol if you have brought this up so that your other half wouldn't be able to interpret it if he read your notes.

Fortunately for me I don't have this problem but I would like to hope that if somebody was they would get a proper chance to bring it up, so i think it is worth mentioning.

Sadly I've not seen the same midwife twice throughout my pregnancy, but that's another story....

Greensleeves · 09/08/2010 14:31

my mw with ds1 asked me in front of dh

Pidgin · 09/08/2010 15:25

The exact same thing happened at my booking-in appointment - the MW said, 'You're not at risk from domestic violence, are you' as a statement rather than a question, and ticked the box. If I had been at risk, I would have had to be pretty assertive and keen to discuss it to contradict her. Although, as others have said, this is a very difficult question to ask, it's so important to ask it properly that MWs should be able to overcome their embarrassment at asking the question. Interesting this seems to be fairly common.

jabbawock · 09/08/2010 15:27

my MW is awful - she asked me three times about being 'happy to continue with the pregnancy' after I had explained I had suffered some anxiety about life in general when I was made redundant... then... pushed me to elaborate on the quality of my relationaship re the domestic violence thing as I said 'we were a normal couple, no violence'... the rest of the booking in appointment I feel I would have had a better and more fulfilling experience with a trained monkey....

addie81 · 09/08/2010 15:34

I have never had domestic violence mentioned at any midwife appointment - my DH comes to all of them with me though so it would be VERY uncomfortable for her to bring it up! Maybe she can tell just by looking at him that my DH would never lay a finger on me?! I wouldn't be offended if she asked me, I can understand why they might want to ask.

sarah1911 · 09/08/2010 15:40

Same here, but the midwife also claims we've discussed breastfeeding, babies sleeping in your room and in my notes it says I rejected Downs syndrome testing which I was never offered! Yes they short staffed and always running about an hour late but that's not an excuse.

mousymouse · 09/08/2010 15:44

I also found it a bit weird. I think they should rephrase the question so that you can really answer and don*t feel overrun like this by this important question.
but I was more shocked by my HV who asked my 3year old "are you afraid of your dad?".

Jacksmybaby · 09/08/2010 16:14

I think my MW has phrased it as something like "so is your partner supportive?" Which I think is quite a good way of doing it, as if yes (as in my case) you can simply gush "oh yes, he's wonderful" etc but if no it opens the door to discussing it but in a fairly subtle, non-confrontational way.

In my hospital there are also posters up in the ladies loos telling you about some sort of code (cant remember what exactly) you can use at antenatal appointments in front of your DP as a signal if you need help for that sort of thing and that someone will find a way to contact you in confidence. I think that's a great idea - no idea if/how often it actually gets used though.

RosT · 09/08/2010 16:36

This is a perfect example of bureaucratic form ticking replacing common sense. Get rid of the paperwork aimed at proving various initiatives are being met, and focus on ensuring we have experienced, professional midwives who see the same women throughout and so are able to pick up on the signs, not just consider their duty done as they asked a question.

Jacksmybaby · 09/08/2010 17:31

Yes, that is a v good point RosT.

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