Husband as a birth partner - need clear instructions!!

[Umnitsa]

Could you share some practical advice how DH can help during labour? Neither of us really knows what exactly he is supposed to be doing, and chances are he'll spend hours just hanging around and feeling a combination of boredom and frustration at being unable to help.

I am reading Ina May's book now where a wise midwife is always there to prompt a husband to kiss his wife during contractions, or blow synchronised raspberries with her; I doubt we'll have such guidance at hospital. For a variety of reasons we did not attend the NCT classes where, presumably, birth partners are shown massage and breathing techniques and given other useful tips. I am sure there are plenty of resources around, but most of the stuff that I've come across is either too lengthy, general and descriptive or too graphic which may make even the best-intentioned husband bored and slightly disgusted.

Perhaps I could put together a crib-sheet for DH - dos and dont's during your wife's labour. Something quite succinct and actionable.

I'd appreciate top tips from your experience, and perhaps links to some good videos (not too long or gory) showing particular massage techniques.

It might prove useful for others as well.

[PS. I thought I've become totally baby-brained, but for some reason am now thinking in dry business terms, it feels almost like writing a job spec for a birth partner...]

My husband was instructed to offer me food and a LOT of water regularly, remind me to wee (as you sometimes can't feel that you need to go in labour), do anything I asked, be my voice re the medical team, comfort me, and he was very encouraging when I was pushing - think Rocky style encouragement . Hope that helps a bit!

noone can write a book about how YOU want your bithing partner to be

if he is your husband he will sense what you need and/or take your lead
dont overthink it

Errr, my DH was banished to sit in the corner and not allowed to touch me! I just retreated into a bubble. If he had even tried to kiss me during contractions I would have decked him!

I would just say that you shouldn't prep him to do certain things because you might not actually want him doing it!

My birth prep classes didn't show massage and didn't actually encourage breathing techniques (can't remember why) so you haven't missed anything

Another thing I've herd is that you shouldn't tell your DH to enforce the birth plan. my friend had this agreement with her DH and has never forgiven him for delaying her epidural (as specified as not wanted under any circumstances in her birth plan!!)!!!

DH and I discussed what I felt I needed beforehand. I also told him not to feel offended if I told him to fuck off and leave me alone in the middle of labour. Things that he did that were useful:

Early labour:

• chatted to me, we were doing quiz questions with DS
• offered food/drink

Established labour:

• stopped chatting to me
• kept offering me drinks/snacks
• helped me go to the loo
• did NOT touch my back (too painful) no massages for me thank you!
• physically supported me in some positions
• gave me a cuddle when I asked for it
• told me how wonderful I was

Oooh - it's a tough one as you won't know what you want and don't want until labour starts

I thought the idea of dh giving me lovely back and shoulder massages sounded lovely, until the contractions began and I didn't want anyone near me! The food he's lovingly packed for me to snack on made me feel sick, and I just wanted to sit quietly and zone out of everything around me - not much help for dh

Dd was born in hospital, so dh's involvement was to just be with me, to hold my hand when I needed him to, and most importantly to help me stick to my birth plan. I was adamant that I did not want pethidine, and he was crucial in helping me stick to my plans when the mw offered it and I said yes! It must have been tough for him to remind me of what I wanted when faced with a labouring wife in pain!

Ds was born at home, and dh was able to be much more of an active partner - physically supporting me (as I was so much more mobile than in hospital), making tea and bacon sarnies for the mw's and just being so much more involved.

It's great that you're both thinking of this now, but be prepared for it all to change on the big day! As long as he accepts this, but is clear on your birth plan ideas, you'll be fine

I zoned out during labour. My partner was saying stuff, but something about the pain, just made me focus on the fire alarm on the ceiling untill the very last stages, then I could just hear him say. You can do it, I'm so proud of you. That was enough and great.

Just make sure he's at the head end!

Don't expect too much from him as he will forget it all anyway, as he will be worried and maybe a little freaked out.

Take a bag of stuff to do (magazines, book or whatever)along with your other labour bag incase of a long labour.

Goodluck and congratulations.

P.s Remember to go WITH the pain, not against it , let your body do what it has to do.x

My DH got MW's when I needed one, got me water, held the sick bowl (nice), got rid of the sick bowls, ate my meals because I felt too ill.

He didn't really touch me as I didn't want him too, was externally very calm, and didn't bat an eyelid when I swore at him and smiled at all hospital staff.

Totally go with the flow, and tell him n ot to be offended however you behave.

Lots of luck x

Thank you for your responses! Hmm, it looks like going with the flow is the answer (hey, it's been my policy in life, so not too difficult!) Sounds like the best he can do is just being there and being supportive and saying encouraging things and not being offended if I swear at him. Good tip about being my voice vis-a-vis doctors / midwives.

Sorry, have nothing constructive to add to this thread (I have a thread going where I'm worrying about how little prep DP has done for the birth so I'm pretty clueless myself), but just wanted to double-check - there's a book where the OH is encouraged to kiss and blow raspberries at his labouring wife??????
Seriously, if DP tried this, he'd get two black eyes for his trouble.

I asked my DH if he definitely wanted to be my birth partner as I am worried he'll freak out seeing me in pain. His response was that it'll be OK and if it all gets a bit much for him he'll go for a walk (!!). Cue a patient explanation that he's not there for him, he's there for me. I think he gets it now...

We've talked about having a 10 minute rule for pain meds - i.e. if someone offers pethidine and I'm wavering or if I start saying I can't do it without drugs, ask me to wait 10 minutes and see if I still need it. But that's because I'd like to avoid them if at all possible.

I'm going to want him to help enforce my birth plan unless I definitely change my mind about something.

I'm also going to be relying on him to tell any medical staff about things they need to know about me (SPD, low pain threshold thanks to Fibro, local anaesthetics don't work thanks to hypermobility) as I know that if I'm in a lot of pain, communication is extremely difficult.

Miriram's Stoppard's book and the NCT book 'Happy Birth Day' have suggestions for positions your birthing partner can support you in at different stages.

Combination of frustration and boredom is par for the course in early labour- you will be feeling that too. Dh's job was to share that with me. What I felt was really good was that he was so responsive to my needs at the time: holding hands when I wanted that, chatting when I wanted that, just retreating into silence when I needed him to do that.

If a wise midwife had been instructing dh to kiss me or blow raspberries at me during labour, I'd have decked the midwife!

Or hang on- that would have been a useful little job for dh.

Japhrimel - like your 10 min rule!! I was trying to reconcile the advice above where some MNers' were happy that their DH ensured they stuck with the birthplan whilst others were less thrilled if DH became too inflexible about meds. I think you came up with a very sensible solution. Thanks for the reference to the books, will check them out.

AhickiefromKenickie - apparently kissing during contractions (proper snogging) helps relax muscles and eases the pain and is incredibly sensual (!!?!?!). Also, in terms of breathing techniques women are encouraged to make horse sounds / blow raspberries, and a husband can help by doing it with his wife, to help her focus and keep the slow rhythm, plus it makes him a more active participant. (That's as far as I got in Ina May's book on spiritual birth - quite a few birth stories mention these particular activities that partners were encouraged to do to help their wives' labour. Part one is such anecdotal evidence, and part two is more structured narrative from Ina May herself - but I haven't read it yet.)

Glad it helped! As far as I can see, enforcing your birth plan should be about making sure you don't get pressured into doing something you don't want to do by medical staff. If you decide you want to do something, you're re-writing the birth plan!

The problem of course is that women are all different. What feels incredibly sensual to one woman is downright annoying to another. And if you are busy being annoyed by your partner's actions then presumably those sensual hormones don't work.

Ina May writes about what made her and the women she has interviewed feel good: doesn't mean everybody has to feel the same. What you need is a man who knows you well enough to recognise when you want to be in charge or when you could do with a bit of more active support.

I personally never got to a stage where I wanted dh to think for me: I was perfectly capable of doing that for myself and would have resented any suggestions to the contrary.

10 minute rule sounds good.

I do not like to be touched during labour; snogging is right out, "incredibly sensual" or not .

my dh sat and played on the ds and passed me water when asked . he was just there supporting me and did a fab job keeping me company!
this was fine by me I just want him there doing those things if he touched me he might get a kick somewhere unpleasent cannot think of anything worse than having a full on snog!

I had an epidural so I was just lying on the bed talking mainly from 6cm-10cm. However, I barely topped it up and I was in quite a lot of pain when fully dilated - they made me wait an hour and a half before starting pushing as I was a first time mother and also as the baby had turned a bit so wanted her to get into the right position and that was getting tough again. My husband was very encouraging saying "you can do it, you're doing so well etc". And also forcing the midwives to come and check me as I was convinced the baby was in the right position and I was getting tired so I wanted to start pushing. My midwife said she would have lunch frst and then come back and I could push . I was n't very happy with her anyway so my husband found the senior midwife who I had insisted also checked me etc and she confirmed I was ready to push and I also got him to ask her to stay for the whole thing as I wasn't confident in the other midwife.

My DH needed to remind me to breathe during the latter stages of my first labour. We had talked about what we wanted for labour and birth and what options we would take. He helped my through the thought processes and we reassessed during labour as required.

I've had three DC's and the easiest / best delivery was when DH and I were in a room on our own until we pushed the call button and assistance arrived just as the baby was ready to make an appearane. During the other two births, there were times when I didn't want to speak to anyone else so I spoke to him and he relayed the messages for me.

My DH helped remind me about my breathing etc but like lots of other folk on here I would have KILLED him if he had tried to massage me. He did try a few times to move me into different positions in early labour and was told to 'fuck off' for his pains

Later on when I was pushing I was grateful for him offering me juice boxes to drink with a straw and regular lucozade tablets etc in between contractions, but fundamentally I was in the zone and was doing it by myself. IME it's nice obviously to have a birth partner and one of the midwives was wonderful too, but I had a moment of clarity in transition when I realised that only me and my determination would get the baby out and no one else was really going to help. They could all have buggered off and I would have given birth in the hospital reception area if I needed to. Also I was having trouble focussing on much due to the pain so couldn't really see DH very clearly for quite a bit of it.

Expect him to be even more emotionally exhausted than you by the end though - I felt brilliant afterwards but for my DH every second of the labour was seared on his memory in terrible detail and he was in pieces.

I got DP to count during my contractions as it helped me do long breaths. You might find this incredibly annoying though.

I like the ten minute rule, I'm gonna nick that if I may.
I also really like Ina May's idea of making horse noises. If I'm gonna be plopping all over the place, I may as well whinney and shake my mane at the same time

i think the most important role a birthing partner can have is to nag the medical profession if you are not being looked after. I had to ask dp to go and tell the MW who were in a handover that the baby was coming. He had to do it twice. I was in triage room and was only in labour suite for 23 mins before he was born. Had he not done that I would have given birth in the triage room.

Cold flannels can be helpful if you get hot.

Tell him on no account must he say anything stupid as you might just kill him. DP kept saying 'I knew this would happen' referring to the speedy delivery and I just wanted to kill him.

Oh god, the thought of snogging during labour. Bleeeurrrgghhhhhhhh.

That's one of the most bonkers things I've ever heard.

I'm there with the not wanting to be touched during labour.

I agree with those who recommend going with the flow. You just won't know what you will feel like until the day itself. And yes get DH to articulate your birth plan - might be useful to give him a copy of it. Although that might go out of the window too, literally.

My DH kept busy giving me glasses of water. I have never been so thirsty ever as when in labour.