Husband as a birth partner - need clear instructions!!

[Umnitsa]

Could you share some practical advice how DH can help during labour? Neither of us really knows what exactly he is supposed to be doing, and chances are he'll spend hours just hanging around and feeling a combination of boredom and frustration at being unable to help.

I am reading Ina May's book now where a wise midwife is always there to prompt a husband to kiss his wife during contractions, or blow synchronised raspberries with her; I doubt we'll have such guidance at hospital. For a variety of reasons we did not attend the NCT classes where, presumably, birth partners are shown massage and breathing techniques and given other useful tips. I am sure there are plenty of resources around, but most of the stuff that I've come across is either too lengthy, general and descriptive or too graphic which may make even the best-intentioned husband bored and slightly disgusted.

Perhaps I could put together a crib-sheet for DH - dos and dont's during your wife's labour. Something quite succinct and actionable.

I'd appreciate top tips from your experience, and perhaps links to some good videos (not too long or gory) showing particular massage techniques.

It might prove useful for others as well.

[PS. I thought I've become totally baby-brained, but for some reason am now thinking in dry business terms, it feels almost like writing a job spec for a birth partner...]

I can't remember what my dh did during labour, in fact I don't think I knew or cared who was in the room! Really wouldn't have wanted to be touched though, all I can remember is crawling around on the floor and feeling mightily pissed off when midwife told me I had to get onto the bed to be monitored. I also remember shouting 'Nooo, just get it out!' when someone asked if I wanted to feel the head.

Am currently pregnant with number 3 and still don't know what dh is supposed to do really, but I still want him there!!

Not been in labour before yet, so this is our plan at the moment (clearly all subject to change!)

He will:

take me to the toilet every hour (this is from our NCT class)
make me drink between each contraction
throughout a contraction, remind me that I am doing really well and that it will end soon
rub my back as a default, until I tell him not to
not repeat to anyone else anything I say in labour until the influence of pain or drugs!

Have remembered -- DH got to hold the sick bowl between my bouts of throwing up. That was a useful job .

Also remembered that dh was quite useful at holding the bottle of lucozade for me to drink out of during the hideous pushing bit - I got through 4 sports bottles in half an hour....no wonder dd didn't hang about

This would be my list to DH if we did it again:-

Don't eat any strongly flavoured food and breathe the stench all over me.

Don't shout at me to push, I am bloody pushing and it's not my fault that that baby is in a bad position!

Don't be offended when you offer me drinks or glucose tablets and I bat you away. I'm grateful that you are giving me the option but I'm about to have a contraction and I need to concentrate.

Ditto massages.

Don't feel that you have to be doing stuff all the time. Just by being there you are supporting me.

Tell me that I'm doing a great job.

My birth might not go according to plan, but make sure that you stand up for anything that I feel very strongly about. I won't be in a fit state to argue with any medical people, so you'll have to do it for me.

(Talking of which, it pays for you to be very certain of which things you do feel strongly about, and about which you are willing to be flexible. Otherwise your DH will have a huge complicated list and either feel that he had to fight about every one, or will give up entirely.)

oh, thank you ladies for this thread x im 32wks and on my 4th, my mum was with me for the others, but dh wants to be here this time, im writting a birth plan, i having my sister with me, if it gets to much for dh xx lol it has given me something to think about

My DP had a panic attack so had to be allocated his own midwife to look after him!!

A few practical suggestions...

If there's anything your DP says or does that you find mildly annoying, make him aware of it because it will really piss you off during labour. Some examples might be calling you 'good girl' or some unwanted pet name, tapping his fingers on the table, whistling, lifting his leg when he farts, that sort of thing. He needs to try really hard to not be annoying for the duration of your labour.

Tell him to not keep asking if you're ok. It will be alarming for him to see you in pain, screaming etc., but constantly questioning you won't help.

Make sure he has a couple of spare t-shirts and a can of deodorant (and possibly toothbrush/paste if you're going to try the snogging during contractions theory!!). Labour might last many hours and it's not pleasant to have a pongy man sitting next to you.

Take some red bull, and some food for him, to keep his energy up!

Oh yes, and in retrospect would have spelled out in very simple language that when I ask him to pick up some Lucozade Sport on his way to the hospital I do mean Lucozade SPORT and not the fizzy orange sickly stuff which is not what I want to be drinking during labour.

MrsTittleMouse -- I can remember the mw at antenatal classes suggesting a toothbrush and toothpaste for DH as something to have in the hospital bag. She said a huge proportion of labouring women seem to get really annoyed by their husband's smelly breath!

Definitely a tooth brush! DD3 was born in the depths of winter, right in the middle of a horrendous flu bug that everyone seemed to have.

When my older kids came home with it, I panicked that I would get it too and have to labour with flu.

DH decided at breakfast the next morning that he would protect us against it by our eating raw garlic.

He decided to heat it up in honey to make it more palatable and "like lemsip".

I went into labour about an hour later and all I could taste in my mouth all day and smell on DH's breath was raw garlic! Even after tooth brushing..hideous if you feel sick in labour! I still feel sick at the taste of garlic now..

do as he is told.

fetch things for MW

drinks for me & MW

massage back

be there to squeeze during contx

keep his fool mouth shut

not look during the foul bits (pooing etc)

look after other kids/ dog

be incredibly proud of me when baby appears

and not get heinously drunk the night afters

fend off his horrid relations.

i think the last two are particularly imporant.

Have to say I couldnt stand being touched or spoken to during a contraction - appreciated hand holding and compliments in between. Especially in transition if anyone so much as made a tiny sound I growled at them!

DH rubbed my lower back very firmly through every contraction and it really helped me.

As others have said held and got rid of my sick bowls.

Was there for me to put my arms around his neck to hang off and wiggle my hips.

Held water for me with a straw in it to sip when I wanted it and press the boost button on my TENS machine and I was on my hands and knees most of the time so couldn't do it myself.

Was slightly annoying at pushing stage when he, 2 dr's and 1 midwife were telling me to push when I clearly was pushing as hard as I could!

Didn't do a great job of standing up for what I wanted as he ended up telling me I should do what I was told as they were telling me what was best and I was too tired to know, has promised this time he will be on my side if I'm being pressured into something I don't want.

With first dd my dh chatted, milled about, fiddled with the tv screen, no touching or breathing near!! I know a lot of posters really appreciated their dh standing by/being their voice with regards to pain relief but I was the opposite - all my midwives, practical parenting classes etc had told me horror stories about pethedine and we had discussed not having it - but very long spine to spine labour, midwife kept offering pethedine, I didn't want to let anybody down kept refusing it. In the end my dh said take it you bloody stupid woman, you could never let me down etc etc and it was so reassuring to know that at that moment in time I was his no1 priority. Took it, no big issues, helped a lot! With dd2 he wasn't there until the last 15 mins and it was so easy, just concentrated on me,what I felt!! Pregnant with no3, not sure how to engineer a far away work visit the day I go into labour

The 10 minute rule is a great idea - I kept saying I couldn't do it and needed more pain relief, and having a target to aim for really helped. As did him telling me that I could do it and was doing really well, etc.

Other things that helped me (similar to many of the above):

Massaging my lower back during contractions (I appreciate some women can't stand to be touched, but I actually smacked DH's hand when he didn't start quickly enough!)
Act as advocate with the hospital staff - I was a bit out of it on gas and air/adrenaline so having someone who remembered what I actually wanted to have happen was useful!
Providing distraction - DH had prepared a quiz (sounds bizarre I know but it gave me something to focus on - admittedly this was quite early on), and later on he was chatting to the midwife and listening in to their conversation helped to distract me in the space between contractions.
Providing water and reminding me about weeing(and offering food but actually I didn't want anything)

He did try to help me to breathe in and out at the appropriate times but this just got irritating.

This is all really helpful, please keep them coming!

I suppose the most important thing is to find a balance of being supportive without being annoying (sounds very spoilt and ungrateful, but you know what I mean!) I don't think I would enjoy too much cheerleading but I hope he knows me well enough to sense when I need to be silent and focused and when some encouragement and distraction would help.

V good point about toothpaste etc - I've become incredible sensitive to smells so can imagine how any dodgy whiff can be amplified during labour.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread.

It really makes me quite emotional just thinking back to my first labour. I really felt that we were doing it together. YES i know i was the one doing all the work, but I cannot fault my lovely DH for his level of support.

He never doubted my ability to do the job - even when i did (in a loud voice). He was very very positive and just kept saying, "that's it, that's it - you're doing it!"

I think he did various practical stuff for me as well - like getting me water to sip and helping me to the loo when i thought i needed a poo (it was actually the baby's head pushing down). He also helped when i was sick with nerves.

Enjoy it together (I know that sounds daft ), but it was an amazing experience and I often say to people when they talk about how rubbish men are at the birth that i could not have done it without my own personal coach.

Tell him what you need, tell him how you feel and believe him when he tells you that you are amazing!

Wow, thanks for that - this thread has totally made me cry with happy tears (and this all happened 10 years ago )

He also did a repeat performance 3 years later - bless him.

Oh, hippichick, thank you for that. Yes, that's what I am hoping for - being in it together, on all levels.

• good luck honey.