What on earth am I going to do?

[PinkHairedMum]

Well, after the weekend feeling completely numb and crying constantly, I thought it would be helpful for me to get some advice from the ladies on here..

Here goes:

Well, I am a 32 year old single parent with a wonderful 6 year old little boy. We live together in my small 2 bed apartment.

I got pregnant at the beginning of the year which was a complete accident, with no other option really I chose to have an early termination. I went along and opted for the medical which involved taking these pills, going home and waiting for the inevetible... This happened OK, so I put it out of my mind, got on with my life etc....

Anyway, last week I felt something move in me. You guessed it - I was STILL pregnant. Now I am 20 weeks, no other option but to have this baby now, and it's absolutely terrifying me.

I have NO family at ALL. I really mean zero. No mum and dad around the corner to come bail me out, no siblings, nothing. I am totally alone, just me and my Son in this small little flat, a low income and stress. On top of all this, I was taking the depo jab throughout the entire thing, drinking heavily and partying. It's a total mess.

The Dr thinks I had a twin pregnancy which came away and the other remained, but now what? The baby could be severely deformed because of the abortion pill/depo/drinking. I am having scans this week to determine what's what, but either way, I have never felt so depressed in my life.

Have you ever heard of anything so screwed up in your life? What on earth am I going to do now....

If the baby is severely deformed so that it might not live, then it's not too late to have a termination - the limit is 24 weeks.

It's pretty awful no one thought to get you to take a pregnancy test to make sure! I was told to do that with all my miscarriages.

Do you work in a salary position? If so you'll probably get maternity pay. Maybe CAB or someone could help you with info?

fucking hell. thats a weird one for sure. a few things come to mind here

maybve this baby was saved for a reason, fate? sounds odd but stranger things have happended

could you/would you consider adoption? you can easily read on here of the many many couples that have just a terrible time trying to conceive. what a gift you'd be giving them

can you bear to have this child, could you get benefits to support you for the months you cant work. is surviving with 2 kids in any way feasible?

I feel for you, but end of the day they wont give you an abortion now so you have to play with the cards you have

so so sorry for you, but you can and will get through this one way or another

not much you can do about the fact you were caning it, how were you to know? that said, maybe time to cut down a teensy bit???

Oh really feel for you PinkHairedMum, what a nightmare! Can you get involved in some community antenatal class or group for mums to be, that way making friends and finding new support?! I know they probably wont be the most understanding of people of your situation, but at least you will have people around you with a child the same age as your unborn (if you still have it)...?

They can still terminate in some circumstances, not ideal but certainly do-able in worst case scenario. How horrible not to be in control of whats going on inside you I suggest you call (not really sure, maybe Marie Stopes..?) some helpline to go through your options. Some GPs can be (negatively) biased about late terminations, especially if you are generally healthy.

I really hope you are able to make a decision that works out for you, and you can start to feel better about your future with your little boy and move on either way.

Hugs (in a non-patronising way, lol x

you can have a termination still , if you are in need of one . wait and see what the scans show.

i think there was a poster on here called Hobbgoblin ( i think ) who took the abortion medication but remained pregnant and had the baby who was fine . i was not involved in her threads, but i think that is what happened

you need to have the scan, speak to your mum and dad, surely they can come to suport you in your time of need

you do not have to carry on with the pregnancy . seek some counselling via the GP asap

PinkHairedMum,

I really feel for you, this is such a tough situation you're in. Like Porcamiseria said, it does sound like fate that this baby was meant to be - I'm hoping that doesn't sound too trite.

Please don't beat yourself up over drinking,pill etc as you had no idea and babies are protected a lot and tend to take what they need. Go easy on yourself in this difficult period. Now is the time to reach out for any support you can get, and go for all the support you can get: Gingerbread, Surestart, GP's are good for signposting etc Also your GP might offer (or know of) some free short term counselling, as it just helps to have another adult to chat to, who's there for you at times like this, I'm speaking as someone who's had therapy.

Lastly, if you have a little boy, could you put bunkbeds in your son's room when he's older?

Give yourself time to adjust to the news and all the best.

I am really glad you are all so lovely! I was expecting an arse kicking! (Probably need it anyway...)

So much going on in my head, but I have got some counselling tomorrow which always helps.

To answer your questions:

japhrimel: I am self employed, so just rely on myself for income at the moment, but today I saw a few jobs I could probably do in the quiet times now to save up for the essentials (if needs be).

porcamiseria: I could feasibly have the baby, but in the back of my mind is this little voice which says "You know, you went to that clinic for a reason - to NOT have a child". I feel guilty now that this one is inside me, getting bigger and kicking me and look at the start I gave him? I tried to fucking get rid!

Lulumaam: I don't have parents to talk things through with, sadly. And I suspect my problem is that I am too strong/independant for my own good at times, so when my friends offer help and support I immediately say "I'm Ok..." When I need help. Used to it I guess.

I just feel so vile with myself. I know it sounds vulgar but in a way if this baby turns out to be deformed/ill whatever, then at least the decision will be taken out of my hands... I hope that doesn't sound too indulgent of me?

RoseNoir and liquoriceandtomatoes: You are both so genuinely lovely! If you were here right now I would hug you! As for the late termination, I don't think I could go through with that after feeling it kicking in there if there was no problems with the baby. I am not judging ANYONE by saying that, we are all different, yes? BUT for ME, I just know I wouldn't rest easy about that. It changes everything when you can feel it move, doesn't it?

Well ladies - what a strange situation indeed! I am feeling more pragmatic and positive about things now, but I will let you know what happens with me. Let me be a lesson to girls taking that abortion pill, ey??? x

I agree with what porc said. This baby is still here for a reason. I believe that in time, when you have got your head around it, you will see that you will manage, and this baby will enhance your life more than you ever expected.

Take careX

speak to friends. speak to people you trust, any true friend would be supportive and offer you a shoulder

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Abortion is available up to 24 weeks, and up to term where there are serious abnormalities. However, not all centres will perform abortions after 20 weeks and you may have to travel out of your area if you decide this is the right choice for you.

If you feel adoption is an option for you, I'm sure there is plenty of advice available to you through your GP, who will put you in touch with whoever you need to speak to.

If you feel keeping the baby is an option, again, can you explore what help may be available to you in your area if you go ahead?

I know you are worried about problems which may have been caused by drinking etc, as you were unaware you were pregnant - make sure the person doing the ultrasound knows this, as he/she will be able to look for "soft markers" which could indicate fetal alcohol syndrome - but remember, even alcoholics manage to have normal babies, only some end up being affected.
I don't know what the effects of the Depo could be - but lots of babies are born to mums who were taking the pill while pregnant and I don't think it affects them.

I hope your scans and tests this week will give you the information you need to come to a decision. It's a tough, difficult situation, and I wish you well, whatever you decide.

good luck
am glad you feel a bit better

I completely understand what you mean about late abortion

so....if you dont want to abort and you dont want to keep it???

again good luck xxx

Can't add much more but suspect they are right - it was 'meant to be'. Best of luck

I haven't got experience personally of the termination pill failing, but I do however have experience of falling pregnant while taking the depo jab. My 8yo son was born while I was on the depo jab, I fell pregnent only 6 weeks after having the injection, when it's meant to last 12 weeks. And I didn't find out straight away as I had a bleed, so went back for another depo jab. I was 19/20, out drinking and partying, and didn't find out until I was 19 weeks. He is now a healthy happy 8yo, he's got no learning difficulties, and no health problems whatsoever. They will check you carefully at the 20 week scan, fingers crossed that everything is as ok for you as it was/is for me.

Glad to hear you are feeling slightly better Pink. I have always been very pro-choice, and cant imagine having certain options taken away from you, ultimately whatever other people say/think, it is your body and your/your family's life that will be affected so think of ALL the possible outcomes carefully. I know in my area there are loads of groups and support networks about. I am a strong person (and quite independent and proud) and asking for help doesnt come easily but I think you just have to let go a bit and admit to yourself when you are low and struggling.

Let us know how things go and wishing all the best and positive thoughts whatever your decision

Have you spoken to you HV ? I know locally we have family support network which is people who've had kids (a real mix of ages backgrounds etc) who want to help other families or single parents either with day to day things or just to be there. I know you said your too proud somethimes maybe if they bbecame friends for this reason it would be easier for you.
I hope everything works out.

Just wanted to wish you all the best. DS1 was an unexpected arrival and I was still drinking, partying and so on, and he turned out fine. This happens quite a lot, apparently.

If abortion is out, then I think all you can do at this stage is plan for the birth. Ask for help from GP, hospital, HV and Sure Start, and see the milk of human kindness do its best work.

Wow this is a shocker for you, I'm so glad you're getting counselling, it's definitely the right thing to do. Hopefully this baby will be the thing that gets you thinking about drinking and partying a bit less? (Or not at all?!) This has to be good for your little 6 year old too, right? Sometimes it can be easier to change when you have something like this to focus on.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to your friends, it can be so hard to admit to people that you're struggling, especially when your knee-jerk reaction is to say 'I'm fine'. Is there one person you feel you could open up to a bit more? Someone that would ask the right questions and make you feel supported? Us mumsnetters are always here, there are so many online forums where you can get support, and as well as the counselling, I'm sure you don't have to feel alone right now.

If you are on a low income, you may be entitled to a one off maternty grant to pay for the essentials, the grant is £500...contact your local Department of work and pensions.
Working tax credit and child tax credit are also available.

A close friend of mine went partying to ibizia, skiing in France (fell numerous times) she only drank vodka & coke on lots of nights out.....and when soapy her stomach in the shower felt a resistance kick....turned out she was coming up 5 months pregnant! She'd put 4lb on in weight!

Her beautiful DS is now 14yrs old & a very bright articulate lad

I hope you find the answer, and keep talking on here xx

This happened to my friend's sister. She now has a 3 year old boy. She sued the NHS.

Aw Pink, things get so much easier as a single parent when they get to 5/6 too - but it will be lovely for your son to have a sibling if that's the way things pan out.

I had no idea I was pregnant with DS1 (on Depo) till I felt him move at 5 mnths. (also too late to abort, though looked into that and adoption before accepting we were having this baby). We were sure he would be affected by the staggering amount of alcohol, cigarettes and everything else I'd been (very) merrily consuming. I was also secretly terrified I would not be able to bond with this baby and that he would somehow know I'd tried to get rid . He's now 9 and as bright, sociable and physically able and adorable a boy as you could ever hope to see. No difference between him and his organic siblings!
So glad you are feeling better. You sound absolutely lovely and incredibly sorted. I'm sure whatever happens you'll get through. x

pink I don't agree with 'this happened for a reason, fate etc'. Dunno, it seems odd that there is some 'higher power' out there deciding that you should still be pregnant after you went to the trouble of trying not to be. But if you do believe as others do, then that's OK. It's not up to me to change that!

What I will say is in response to this I tried to fucking get rid Yes, you did. But it didn't go to plan. If you do keep the baby, what went before isn't important. What happens NOW & after it's birth is.

I doubt that you are likely, when it is 16, to tell it you didn't want it/didn't love it & tried to abort it. That happened to me & you have to be a special kind of bitch to tell your daughter (or son) that!

What happens after it's birth it what matters. How you love it & care for it. Your baby need ever know what you did. It only needs to know how much love you have for it & how, just like your other dc, you would do anything to protect it.

Good Luck with your scan.

Your baby need never know what you did

Oh PinkHairedMum, please don't say you feel vile with yourself. You didn't know you were still pregnant - so it's not as if you were intentionally harming a baby.

I second what differnetnameforthis has said. It's all about what you do next and making the best decision for you and your 6 yr old and if there is to be a future with a new addition, how you handle that. Please do not beat yourself up about the situation - you genuinely sought what is normally a workable solution very early on. Things like this, while rare, do happen. You have something big to cope with now, so the best thing you can do is be easy on yourself, especially if you have no immediate support around you.

This place is a remarkable source of help, support and info. Really thinking of you and hoping your scan goes ok. Regardless of the decision you make, there will people here to listen so don't feel alone. Good luck and take care. x

I think there's also some point in thinking of a baby long before birth as a pre-baby, with the bonding process not really having happened yet, and the baby post birth as being more closely linked to you, as the hormones do their work and bring you closer together.

You are only part way through the biological process of welcoming this child into the world and you are not going to feel as you would if he/she was here in your arms. Once that happens, so much will right itself and you will know what to do for the best. So you should not really worry about feeling negative towards the baby later on because nature will most likely take care of that for you and heal the situation. Does that make sense? Please be kind to yourself in the meantime.

If the baby is alive and healthy and you really don't want it, then put it up for adoption. I know a lot of young and capable parents that can't have a child and would give the world to have yours. My friend has adopted a little girl, who is being treated like a princess and will get access to all the best of the best in her life. I know it is very difficult decision but I have seen the other side of things and people do anything to be lucky to have a child.....