3 year old day 2, should we give up?

[Hedgehogbrown]

Hi,
We are potty training our 3 year old and it's really not working. Everyone told us to wait until he decides himself and it should be easy which I think now is a crock of shit. He is an intelligent boy and understands the concept. I wrote a list of what would happen and he reads it and understands. He has hyperlexia so he can fully read but he's not great at telling us his needs day to day. Not massively connected to his bodily functions either, although he's got a book on the human body and is reciting the excretory system page so understands on an interlectual level.

He just holds it in. He sits on the potty or toilet without too much fuss but could sit there all day, then he reaches crisis point and just wees on the floor. All the nappies are hidden, and he's been having undies or bare bum. We are trying to get him to the potty in time when he wees but haven't managed it. All that is happening is we are causing him to piss himself four times a day. We went to the park this morning for an Easter egg hunt and he weed himself twice. The second time he put his hands to his head and looked like he was in despair.

I don't want to spend the week doing nothing but staring at his arse, waiting for a poo to come out, only to give up and find He will be ready in a few months, and then feel bad for putting him through this. I also don't want to give up if he is just going to be like this no matter how old he is, and we should crack it now.

He doesn't respond to rewards. He doesn't like wearing himself but not enough to tell us.

Help! What can we do? At what point is this method supposed to work?

Everyone told us to wait until he decides himself and it should be easy which I think now is a crock of shit.

I think it is too. I think with some kids, it's just very hard work and that's why I would just grit your teeth and carry on, you're already part way through.

And I know this isn't fashionable in modern potty training but I'd use pullups for the rare situations where an accident would be very upsetting like at the egg hunt (while also avoiding these situations for the next couple of weeks).

With my dc1 I got very good at noticing the need-a-wee hop and so we could rush her onto the loo/potty and pull down the pull up. I don't think it did any harm to keep wearing them while training, and it saved her embarrassment at events like your egg hunt

I think you need to keep going. You've spent three years training him to go in a nappy, it's going to take more than a couple of days to retrain. You'll get there. He sounds very bright so hopefully he can learn to understand the signals his body gives.

Even children clued in to their body ques take weeks to crack potty training. The simplified "it took us less than a week" people throw out in conversation is a blatant lie. It might take some a week, but they're 💯 still having regular accidents.

If you think of potty training as stages, stage one is them realizing a nappy won't catch pee or poo anymore.

Stage two is them figuring out it should ideally go in a toilet.

Stage three is making an effort to get to the toilet before it happens.

Stage four is that happening regularly.

Stage five is that happening reliably.

Stage one takes far longer than people realize! Being consistent here will pay off in the long run. When they have an accident, react very very calmly or you'll create a sense of anxiety around it all for them. Quick phrase "you weed on the floor, wees go in the toilet" then bring them to the toilet to finish. Even if they've already finished bring them, to create the association.

Certain things trigger accidents, sitting for too long or eating / drinking. Take them before and after sitting down for a snack for a few days, even if you don't think they have to go.

You also need to learn their ques. "You're wiggling like you need to do a wee. Let's go sit on the toilet!' Helping them identify the ques / behaviours around it helps them link it all.

Just to add on timings, excess sugar makes it hard to control urine or bowel movements. Easter may be having a negative impact for you.

1. No you dont give up after two days.
2. You dont go out for the day presumably with a kid on day one of potty training fully dressed then wonder why they piss themselves.

Waiting until a kid decides it's time to potty train is just lazy shit parenting. You dont let kids parent themselves.

You stay at home, naked near the potty encourage him to go on the potty every hour ish, praise him when he uses it. give him plenty to drink, having a drink on the potty helps that release. If he isn't on the potty and starts weeing you put him on the potty.

Potty training isn't a part time thing, you dont fit it in around your usual plans, you commit fully to it.

It takes more than 3 days to potty train. You need to keep going and be consistent . Keep putting him on the potty or toilet regularly. No point in asking them to start with as they won't understand, they need to learn to associate the potty with weeing.

It takes time and patience. Don't give up at the first hurdle!

Every single child is different!

our first (boy) cracked it in 2 days and I can count on one hand the number of accidents still

second (girl) we were smug….was regularly having accidents for nearly 12 months!

Also agree leaving the house on day 2 is a disaster!

Yeah I think going out on day 1 or 2 was a disaster waiting to happen

3 years is fairly old tbh, as they have learnt 3 years of just going in nappy. So the later you leave, then longer they need to be untrained imo

You need to stay home for the whole
week. No long trips out.

Fucking hell you sound like a delight. He's not weed on the potty yet because he holds it in. Racing him to the potty when he is weeing is easier said than done when he can hold it back in as soon as he's on it.

Thanks for that. I'm wondering if a slower approach will work for him with training pants. Just to clarify, the egg hunt was literally just us in the bushes at our local park at 8am. No one was around.

Also it was day two.

If he's withholding, it could be from unfamiliarity with the toilet. Is it the big one you're using?

Sounds gross but bring him in with you when you go and model the behaviour you want.

The little squatty pottys are handy to have as they're less intimidating. The carry case ones are good for out and about.

Blowing bubbles is a weird trick that works if it's poo withholding.

And a lot of children withhold because of the amount of sensory input on the toilet. Making light of it "plop / splash" terminology helps. Plus sensory play and relating it back - "this toy plops in the water like a poo in the toilet".

My eldest found the amount of steps involved in toilet training overwhelming. I hit pause on flushing / washing hands until they were comfortable going on the toilet.

No I get it, it's just not practical to stay at home for a week like pps are suggesting, especially when you have other kids. Life doesn't pause.

But I also think "we cracked it in just 3 days" is either exaggeration, or misremembering, or simply true but extremely rare.

My dc1 broke us in by never sleeping through the night until she turned 4. (I also had a nightmare childbirth in spite of learning to breathe perfectly.) So I learnt that in parenting, you can't control everything and you can't rush anything.

Potty training for us wasn't that stressful but it took months. We did use pull ups for big days out for the first month or so, and in bed for a while longer. That eliminated the stress. The all-or-nothing approach to nappies just didn't work for her.

I'd say if he's already 3, and it might take months, don't give up now as you'll have a nightmare at Reception otherwise. Slow and steady, keep at it.

You're probably already doing this but there are lots of good picture books and TV episodes.

This episode was helpful, made dc1 love yelling for her potty:

www.channel5.com/little-princess/season-5/new-toilet

I found that putting some structure into it helped, and lowering expectations. We followed the book Oh Crap - it's short, the tone is annoying, and we ignored a few bits- but it gave us structure to work out where things went wrong and fix them.

For pooh on the toilet, the NHS app Poo goes to Poland was great, along with putting drops of food colouring into the loo and flushing away.

I remember days 2 and 3 being super tough.

Everyone told us to wait until he decides himself

This is bullshit.

You need to pick a good time and commit. I found it exhausting.
We used a combo of juice TV and chocolate buttons, stickers and toys....

I found oh crap! A good book

If he's hyperlexic he is also likely to be on the autistic spectrum so I would look for resources to help potty train autistic children.

I did bribery! Jelly tot would appear for appropriate action. Worked like a charm!

And yes, I did make sure their teeth were cleaned regularly ....
And no they were not demanding jelly tots for every wee when they were 16 ...

I worked on the what's-in-it-for-them principle. The answer is absolutely nothing, so I just made it worth their while...

I think it's about mindset too...

I remember when dd was 2 and a half and we'd gone no nappies by then, she was good at wees but had a poo accident approximately twice a week for a phase. We would just take spare clothes everywhere and plastic bags for bagging up dirty stuff. It happened so often that it was just like changing a nappy, I got it down to a quick routine (the poo was solid so didn't mess through her clothes to the outside). Then on a playdate at the soft play one time, her friend had a poo accident in his pants and his Dad was so upset about cleaning it up, how gross it was... I had to do that twice a week and just shrugged it off each time!

My DD responded very poorly to the tactic of going cold turkey and keeping nappies off. Got very upset. She wasn't ready.
She finally got the hang of wee in the potty at 3 and a half (also autistic) and was dry from then on.
Some kids you do just need to be patient - try different pottys and praise them for sitting on them (even if nothing happens). Apparently blowing bubbles while sitting on the potty is a good way to relax the muscles.
Bribery is acceptable! DD wanted a scooter. I promised her a scooter once she started using the potty.

You've left it very late. There is actually a point where you've missed the window and it takes them longer to learn. You need to stick with it, unless he has disability or learning issues he needs to be trained asap. Is he going to preschool soon?

I'd stick at it, hes 3, its already quite late.

Stay in naked all day. Make him drink loads. Put him on potty every hour. Watch him like an absolute hawk in between. If a wee starts coming out physically get him to the potty so some goes in, then celebrate that.
Be prepared that its absolutely exhausting and intense because of the level of attention you need to give.

If theres an accident, blank face, emotionless voice, oh well, next time do it in the potty please.

One of mine got it in few days, one in one day for wees. In both cases it took weeks longer for poos. So yes it is possible. Get lots of their favorite drinks and give total attention.

One of mine, at 8 years old, still regularly wets at night despite day training at 18m in a day. No daytime accidents at all. So swings and roundabouts really.

GL and don't give up.

I would carry on and adjust your expectations. Going out is just madness. Keep the potty to hand at all times, stay at home for 4 days ir so. You have to watch him like a hawk and put him on the potty as soon as you see a sign that hes ready ro go.

"The second time he put his hands to his head and looked like he was in despair." Good! You want him to be aware and motivated to notice the pre-pee signs so he knows when to go to the potty. It takes some kids days and some kids weeks to go from noticing after, during and then before a wee or a poo. There's a lot for him to figure out.

Don't give up on day 2. It's literally the habit of a lifetime for him to go in his nappy, give him some grace and keep going